Asking for What You Want

[aribell]

Anyone her struggle now or in the past with being clear and upfront about their expectations from a relationship?

Anyone not that great at saying "This is what I want/need from you?" Or, if it's easy for you, feel free to share why you feel that is.

 

[JustKiya]

Yes, I have. Usually, it was because I wasn't sure how he would react to my request - and I wasn't sure that I could manage my reaction to be able to have a clear conversation.

So, what I did in the early days? I would email him or write him a handwritten letter. I explained to him that my thoughts - esp. highly emotionally charged ones - tended to come out better on paper, and that I wanted to start off the conversation that way. Then, once that initial ice was broken, it was sooo much easier to have a conversation about it, and work out the details.

The more I grew to know, trust, and respect him, the easier it was for me to come straight to him - but even now, if things are really at a fever pitch/an issue we've worked on for a while - he might get an email, first.

 

[aribell]

Yes, I have. Usually, it was because I wasn't sure how he would react to my request - and I wasn't sure that I could manage my reaction to be able to have a clear conversation.

So, what I did in the early days? I would email him or write him a handwritten letter. I explained to him that my thoughts - esp. highly emotionally charged ones - tended to come out better on paper, and that I wanted to start off the conversation that way. Then, once that initial ice was broken, it was sooo much easier to have a conversation about it, and work out the details.

The more I grew to know, trust, and respect him, the easier it was for me to come straight to him - but even now, if things are really at a fever pitch/an issue we've worked on for a while - he might get an email, first.

I think I operate similarly. Letters work so much better for me as well.
I also tend to take too much responsibility for other people's feelings, but that's something else.

 

[CarLiTa]

Yes, I have this issue. some of it is worrying about the DELIVERY of my request. Being assertive without coming across as rude and demanding is an issue for me. I am also learning what it means to stroke someone's ego when making certain requests.

I read this recently, and the last lines were soo on point:

3. Clarifying Expectations

There is nothing more frustrating in a relationship than not understanding what is expected of you. Although many of us wish we could be, we are not mind readers. And because each of us sees life differently and has different backgrounds and life experiences, expecting someone to just “know” is not only unfair but completely unrealistic. It’s important that the person with whom you are dealing with, knows exactly what is expected of them. Doing this will keep them out of the dark and allow them to relate you confidently, knowing that what they are doing is in line with your expectations.

 

[1Aleeesha]

Yeah you have to ask for what you want plain and simple...Men are the worse mind readers known to man...And they see things totally different than we do so you may think the "fact is blatantly obvious" and to him it's not.

You just have to word it in a way whereas he doesn't feel like he's under attack and let him know.

 

[Lylddlebit]

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