Are Little White Lies Acceptable or an eventual evil?

TopShelf

TopShelf

Sewing & Growing Gamma Gal
A few weeks back I went to a spa with 2 " budding" friends. One who is on marriage #2 and the other who has been in her relationship for 8 years (((no she does not want to get married. She has already been married) I know that statement will come up)

This is how the conversation went:

8years: Damn I have to call him to say goodnight but I don't want him to know that I went to the spa.

Me: why not? will he get upset
8years: No, he won't get upset, I just don't want to have that conversation.
Me: What conversation? If he won't get upset then what's the big deal.
8years: I just don't want to have that conversation.
Me: I am confused. Is it going to be a negative conversation?
8years: No it's not going to be negative. You just don't understand. That's why you don't have a man.
Me::confused::confused::confused: as if I have never had one before?
8years: (to the married woman) you understand what I's saying right?
marriedwoman: shakes her head in agreement
8years: sometimes in relationships you have to tell little white lies

Later on that evening the topic came up again and she stated that her man really does not like it when she does things w/o him and he likes to whine, so to prevent that she just doesn't mention certain things to him. I said okay and left it at that because clearly the single chic has no clue.

It got me to thinking are little white lies acceptable? When are they not? Don't these lies turn into arguments (when found out) and make people suspicious later on?
 
maybe i'm just young, but i don't believe in lying period, especially in intimate relationships. that stuff just builds up over time, you get used to not being honest, and your relationship's foundation starts to get shaky.

i rather be up front and say "i rather not talk about that" than lie about something.
 
Maybe she didn't feel like answering 1000 questions. It depends on the man I guess. Some men you can just say ABC to and they say "ok" and leave it at that. Then other men you got to go through the whole alphabet with them before they are satisfied hahaha
 
Dang, all that over a trip to the spa.

Lying about little things, leads to lying about big things. = Relationship being a lie in my book.
 
I will agree to an extent. I think her lying about going to the spa is extra, but I "lie" a lot about the male attention I get. :lol: I'm sure DH doesn't want to hear about everytime I get hollered at, or guys flirting at work or whatever. I only omit things that I think are innocent. If something ever crossed the line I would tell him.
 
gabulldawg said:
I will agree to an extent. I think her lying about going to the spa is extra, but I "lie" a lot about the male attention I get. :lol: I'm sure DH doesn't want to hear about everytime I get hollered at, or guys flirting at work or whatever. I only omit things that I think are innocent. If something ever crossed the line I would tell him.
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but how would something like that even come up?
 
What does you being single have to do with the convo? I hope she doesn't have children she doesn't seem to have any patience for curiosity.
 
nadaa16 I am getting used to it. Married people, people with children and women with a man use it as a dig, when you ask them things that make them uncomfortable.
 
Here she is "lying" by omission. I don't see this similar to a white lie actually. I would assume that if he asked her what she did today, then she would tell him what she did which would include the spa. However, by comment, i thought her to mean that she is not going to volunteer that information.

I don't really see why she is calling this a white lie unless she plans to not tell him that she went to the spa should he ask what she did today.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
LaBelleLL said:
Here she is "lying" by omission. I don't see this similar to a white lie actually. I would assume that if he asked her what she did today, then she would tell him what she did which would include the spa. However, by comment, i thought her to mean that she is not going to volunteer that information.

I don't really see why she is calling this a white lie unless she plans to not tell him that she went to the spa should he ask what she did today.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
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she works out of a town (from him) a few days a week and sometimes on weekends, so their conversations usually consist of the question' "what did you do today?".
 
I don't lie, but I will omit things if I don't want to deal with questions or requests (oh since you have the day off could you...oh could you stop at abc and bring me xyz). Sometimes I just don't feel like it, so I won't call him until I'm too far away for him to ask me to do something extra.
 
He sounds controlling and she is covering up for it. Otherwise why lie to someone who is out of town about going to the spa with your girls? She needed permission to go, she didn't get it and is trying to avoid an argument.
 
maybe she asks him for more money that she actually needs and doesn't want him to know she spends it on pampering or shopping ,men see those things as unnecessary and wasteful.
 
I don't understand why you were so persistent in asking her why she didn't want to tell her guy. Since it's a "budding" friendship I assume you don't know either of the ladies too well. I think that is why she got smart with you because you were pressing her. I don't agree with what she said to you but I understand her frustration. I am very private about my relationship with dh IRL and tend to be vague until I am really close with the person and trust them which sometimes will take months or even years. I tend to tell my dh most things but sometimes once you know a person well you know what their response will be and you just don't want to hear it or like someone said be asked a bunch if questions. Maybe he is controlling or jealous or insecure idk but everyone has quirks and every relationship has it quirks. Based on the little snippet she shared it's hard to surmise anything deep about their relationship IMO.

I do agree that white lies can come back to haunt you. But I have discovered over the years it's best to lie sometimes because my truth is not always what's most important. Sometimes it's best to be encouraging to another person than say well I think... Sometimes what I think is less important than what they think or feel. Hope that makes sense. Overall, though, best to be truthful most of the time.
 
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hopeful said:
I don't why you were so persistent in asking her why she didn't want to tell her guy. Since it's a "budding" friendship I assume you don't know either of the ladies too well. I think that is why she got smart with you because you were pressing her.
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hopeful If a person does not want people to ask a question then they should not make any statements out loud. When she made the statement, she made it with a sigh and the thought of calling him seemed to cause her a little distress.
 
I don't see the point of lying about a spa day but I'm not in her relationship. I don't tell my husband everything I do(or buy) but if he asked me about something I would tell the truth.
 
TopShelf said:
hopeful If a person does not want people to ask a question then they should not make any statements out loud. When she made the statement, she made it with a sigh and the thought of calling him seemed to cause her a little distress.
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I understand but people slip up sometimes and then retreat, and I think should be allowed the opportunity to do so. But I understand and she could have just said listen I don't want to discuss it further vs. insulting you. I just wanted to give you another perspective.
 
I don't know...

I don't tell my FH every little detail of my day and he is a pretty level headed man that doesn't mind me having a life and having fun without him. He does not need to know EVERYTHING that I do. He knows and trusts that I love him, I respect him, and am with him for companionship, not for him to be my overseer.

I do think the OP was prying a little too much into the dynamics of the other woman's marriage. Even if she exclaimed out loud her frustration, I would have stopped at
"No, he won't get upset, I just don't want to have that conversation."

On the flip-side, I don't agree with the other woman using "You just don't have a man..." as her comeback. How childish of her.

Now I DO tell my FH about male attention I get because he needs to know that he has a stone-cold fox on his hands who can and will have other options if he ever chooses to act an a$$. :yep::yep:
 
Thanks mail tai . I guess i didn't see it as prying since i did not initiate the topic of conversation. I was actually just curious as to what could be the worse thing that could be said. Especially since i have never dealt with anyone who questioned me about something of this caliber. but i will definitely keep that in mind.

I appreciate everyone's responses.
 
No, I don't lie to DH. I see no reason to lie about anything.

She's been with dude for 8 years and has to lie to him about going to the spa with friends? If it unnerves her so to have to "explain" her whereabouts to him then she can easily leave since she is financially secure and doesn't need him to pay bills.

I travel for work and DH is fine with it. However, I recognize that some people do try to plant seeds of doubt. This may be why her dude wants to know the details of her day. He may have someone else in his ear.

Her dig at you was childish. I didn't see it as prying on your part at all but more genuine concern. If she didn't want anyone to comment on her audible sigh about her relationship then she could have kept that to herself.
 
naturalmanenyc said:
No, I don't lie to DH. I see no reason to lie about anything.

She's been with dude for 8 years and has to lie to him about going to the spa with friends? If it unnerves her so to have to "explain" her whereabouts to him then she can easily leave since she is financially secure and doesn't need him to pay bills.

I travel for work and DH is fine with it. However, I recognize that some people do try to plant seeds of doubt. This may be why her dude wants to know the details of her day. He may have someone else in his ear.

Her dig at you was childish. I didn't see it as prying on your part at all but more genuine concern. If she didn't want anyone to comment on her audible sigh about her relationship then she could have kept that to herself.
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The most weird thing was that she said that he does it too so it was all just confusing to me
 
I remember experiencing something similar before I got married. I lied about hanging out with a GF because at the time DH was being very clingy. I didn't want to deal with his feelings being hurt because I spent my free time with someone other than him.

I don't recommend it but I certainly understand.
 
I don't agree with "white lies" per se, but I think filtering is a must. I used to be extremely open and all "honesty is the best policy" and "why can't I tell him every little thing? I want us to know every little thing about each other" until I learned the hard way.

I think there is a fine line between this and dishonesty. It is simply a matter of tactfulness and discretion.
 
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