Am I Wrong???

[gabulldawg]

Currently, all of my SO's friends are single. They like to hang out a lot, especially late at night. So, every time him and his friends hang out he ends up staying out until 2 or 3am! Today I put my foot down and flat out told him that if he wants to be with me he needs to stop staying out so late. His actions show me that he enjoys "playing single" and doesn't appreciate being in a relationship. I also told him that his friends can stay out and do a lot of things that he can't do because he has a woman at home waiting for him and they don't. He said he understood where I am coming from, but I guess he is having a hard time telling his friends that he has to make a sacrifice for our relationship! This is CONSTANTLY an issue for us and I'm truly sick of putting up with it. I really want him to feel where I am coming from because at this point is it really going to make or break our relationship. He's constantly talking about marriage, but I don't feel he is anywhere near ready if he thinks he's going to disrespect me by coming home all hours of the night with me waiting for him at home. Was I wrong for my ultimatum?

 

[Farida]

How often does he do this?

Going out once in a while and staying out late with single friends I think is OK, as long as there's no funny business involved, when you are unmarried.

However, as a relationship gets more serious, these parts of life are slowly phased out. That's why married people tend to make friends with married couples. It is so much simpler that way.

I think what is key is how he will react to the ultimatum. He knows this hurts you and most good men will stop doing something no matter how big or small if their woman feels disrespected by it. I don't think a man talking marriage at this stage should be going out and staying out late with single friends.

 

[Deluxe]

If you don't like the behavior because you believe it will have a negative impact on your relationship then I think you did the right thing by telling him you find it unacceptable. I also think people who are ready for serious commitments don't regularly go out and party with friends all night without their SO.

You obviously feel like he may not be for you if he cannot stop going out like that so your ultimatum was a valid course of action for you. Listen to your gut now, instead of three years later.

 

[Maynard]

How old are you two? Just curious....

 

[Farida]

How old are you two? Just curious....

Interesting. I asked FH what he thought and Gin he asked the same question. He said that he would think the guy isn't mature enough to realize the demands of a committed relationship. Perhaps he isn't ready to let go of his "youth" and "bachelor" days (which doesn't mean he is cheating, just means he wants to behave like a man with no priorities.

By the way, how'd it go with his mom driving by?

 

[Maynard]

Interesting. I asked FH what he thought and Gin he asked the same question. He said that he would think the guy isn't mature enough to realize the demands of a committed relationship. Perhaps he isn't ready to let go of his "youth" and "bachelor" days (which doesn't mean he is cheating, just means he wants to behave like a man with no priorities.

By the way, how'd it go with his mom driving by?

Well, I was just thinking based on the background info that she gave in previous posts (In regards to Moms doing the drive bys), that he might not be that old/ready for a relationship of that sort (which is prob why Moms is doing the drive by's)

I mean you said the guy just bought his first house...and you arent supposed to be living there right? Seems like you do, if you are giving him ultimatums of when he should be coming home and what not. Im sure Mom's has a reason to be doing such drive bys b/c she might have suspected that you are doing more than "visiting".

Not to say that he's cheating, but maybe he's just enjoying life...you guys sound pretty young and you cant get these days back.

I think you should do that same...

 

[gabulldawg]

Well, we have been together for 3 years, and he has been steadily bringing up the marriage thing. He's even told me to expect a ring within the next few months. I am 24 and he's about to be 27 next week actually. I'm not necessarily saying that he would have to stop hanging out late now, but I have been told by a lot of married women, even on this board, that it's important to express what will and will not fly in a marriage as soon as possible, and that you can't let a man go along doing what he's been doing all along and THEN try to change his behaviors once you say "I do." After I bugged him about how I felt he did apologize and say that last night would be the last time and that he was going to tell his friends that he can't be hanging out late anymore. So all I can do is wait and see if he holds up to his word.

As far as commitment goes, I'm pretty positive that we are both equally committed. I have never caught him doing nothing wrong in 3 years, and believe me, I have checked up from time to time. That's just how I am - I like to know that I'm not the only one who's staying true, especially when people are talking about marriage. So overall I do trust him when he tells me things.

I have expressed to him how i feel about his parents, also, including the whole idea that his mom isn't letting him grow up. There is NO WAY I'm marrying a man whose parents still treat him like he's a child. His argument is that he is an only child and that it's been the 3 of them for so long and I guess it's hard for them to let go of that. I see where he's coming from, I GUESS, and I'm trying to be patient about that issue. It's actually funny because one of his male cousins is dating this girl and we are experiencing some of the same problems, and it was really nice to vent with her about it recently. Her SO's mom is very protective over him, too. But I do hope that over time he deals with that issue because I would hate to have to do it myself.

Anyway, I hope I answered all of the questions!

 

[gabulldawg]

Interesting. I asked FH what he thought and Gin he asked the same question. He said that he would think the guy isn't mature enough to realize the demands of a committed relationship. Perhaps he isn't ready to let go of his "youth" and "bachelor" days (which doesn't mean he is cheating, just means he wants to behave like a man with no priorities.

By the way, how'd it go with his mom driving by?

Yea I can agree with your FH. We have had the talks about him hanging out with single guys all the time. I have asked him if that makes him feel like he wants to be single and he SWEARS no, and understands that his friends are lonely and have no one to "go home to" like he does.

 

[gabulldawg]

If you don't like the behavior because you believe it will have a negative impact on your relationship then I think you did the right thing by telling him you find it unacceptable. I also think people who are ready for serious commitments don't regularly go out and party with friends all night without their SO.

You obviously feel like he may not be for you if he cannot stop going out like that so your ultimatum was a valid course of action for you. Listen to your gut now, instead of three years later.

Same here, but I don't know if he understands that. I definitely know that we will have to do some premarital counseling to straighten all of this out of we do decide on marriage. I know that men are sometimes slow and it takes them a while to understand things.

 

[gabulldawg]

How often does he do this?

Going out once in a while and staying out late with single friends I think is OK, as long as there's no funny business involved, when you are unmarried.

However, as a relationship gets more serious, these parts of life are slowly phased out. That's why married people tend to make friends with married couples. It is so much simpler that way.

I think what is key is how he will react to the ultimatum. He knows this hurts you and most good men will stop doing something no matter how big or small if their woman feels disrespected by it. I don't think a man talking marriage at this stage should be going out and staying out late with single friends.

Thanks again for some great advice. I think I will sit down and have a serious talk with him today about all of these points that were brought up in this thread (and any more that may come).