Am I Being A Diva For Being Disappointed?

TinyBlu

TinyBlu

Well-Known Member
So I've been dating a guy for 9 months (6 months exclusively), and it's been the most peaceful relationship I've had... ever. We get along well, no drama. He's consistent. While that is a good thing, I've noticed that he's also consistent with his poor choices of gifts.

Let me back up. I'm probably not easy to pick gifts for because I'm NOT enamored with things. Quite the opposite. I don't carry purses. I don't wear jewelry... despite being financially comfortable, I don't HAVE a lot. I don't NEED it. I'm more of a minimalist only surrounding myself with things that I value opting to find joy from those intangible things that we take for granted (quality time, nature, etc). For me, it really is the THOUGHT that counts... meaning that I'll take a dime store trinket wrapped in love over an expensive "you're getting this because this is what I'm supposed to do" mindless waste of money any day.

That being said, my guy has consistently fallen short on every holiday so far. We've had his birthday, my birthday, Christmas and Valentine's day to date, and I've been left disappointed each time.

For instance, for my birthday, he got me a grocery store fruit basket and a balloon from the dollar store. On his birthday, I hand made him a gift basket with his fraternity colors and filled it with his favorite snacks and drinks. For Christmas, I got him a custom decanter and glass set (he likes whiskey). He had some wine shipped to my home which arrived a week late because he clearly ordered it at the last minute. In anticipation of today, I ordered some lingerie he expressed that he liked ($100) and was gonna surprise him later. Due to a power outage, I was unable to retrieve the order from my apartment's package retrieval system, and now I'm thinking of returning the lingerie in light of what I got today.

Today, he literally got me some Reeses cups and two cards that were intended for him!! A couple weeks ago, I bought two Valentine's day cards with plans to give them to him today. I must have left the bag at his house because I couldn't find them. I received them today from HIM. As for the Reeses cups, that is my favorite candy, but that just seems so last minute.

I don't want to seem ungrateful, but his gifts just seem to be so last minute... like something to check off a to do list which makes me feel like an after thought. I'm wrestling with whether to say anything or just chalk it up to us not seeing eye to eye on that. Am I making too much of this?
 
:lol: I'm mad he gave you the cards he found in his house. At least he gave both of them to you!

I would guilt him about the cards and ask him where did he think they came from. :mad:

"Bad" gifting isn't a deal breaker for me. I've exchanged many of DH gifts over the years.....though I won't do it anymore, but that's another story.
 
I would talk to him about it. Tell him how it makes you feel and then tell him what you want as gifts when the holiday comes around. Some guys are just bad at gifting. They don’t care or take it seriously. It sounds like you’re very thoughtful with your gifts and expect him to be the same, but your expectations are too high. What would make you feel better is probably a. not being as thoughtful with your gifts with him, (from experience as a thoughtful gift giver I get resentful when I put so much time and energy into a gift and people gift me scraps) b. Don’t expect any nice gifts from him (I wouldn’t suggest this because it seems like it’s important to you, c. Tell him what you want (it’s a win win situation, surprises are nice but he’s not good at it).

Also just to add, no you’re not being a diva, he was dead wrong for giving you Reese cups and the two cards you bought for him. As women we read a lot into gifts and see them as a reflection of how our significant other feels about us, but guys see it as “uh here is an extra errand I have to run”. Based on what you described about him he seems like a nice guy. But I wouldn’t hold it in. I would definitely tell him how I feel.
 
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Is he cheap, lazy, or does he think he doesn’t have to impress you?
I’m certainly low maintenance on personal things....except sheets but my lazy *** spouse will give me a gift card to a shop at which I purchased a gift for someone else. This year was no different.

i purchased Coach purses for my DD and DIL. Mr. No Imagination decided I needed a new purse also. I don’t.
 
That’s not his Love Language, but it’s obviously yours. I’d definitely confront him about the cards, but tell him how his actions make you FEEL. When you are calmer, why don’t y’all do the “5 Love Languages” quiz. Does he show his love through Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch? Just because they’re not his doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be mindful of what makes you happy, but communication is the first step towards that. :-) Best wishes to y’all.
 
Why won’t y’all talk to these men? Lol The minute I realized they were cards I’d bought, I would have asked “W..T..F is your problem?”.

How many people could have left Valentine’s Day cards at his house, where he’d have no idea it was you? Does he live with other people? If so... he just decided to steal someone else’s cards? Where/who did he think they came from??

The way it SEEMS is that he knows the cards were for him, but assumed they were from someone else. And since there was nothing written, he figured he’d go ahead and regift. That’s bigger than just being a bad gift.
Bad gifting is a common man issue that can be remedied. But last minute/afterthought/stolen/found/regifted gifting, especially when the relationship is so new, is a red flag for me.
 
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I would be bothered. I'm fairly simple too but i know what I want and I just say that. Like I wanted a new food saver and he got me that. I needed a new air fryer and it will be here Tuesday.
My husband is very thoughtful though and I appreciate that. He puts a ton of thought into what he does so yes I would be bothered by the terrible gift giving. Besides what I asked for he created a book just for me. It was so cute.
The cards he woulda got a wtf for real.
 
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It’s too early in y’all relationship for him to be so careless and inconsiderate. This isn’t just bad taste, it’s him not showing effort. After you handmade a gift basket and got a custom decanter, he should have felt such shame that made him determined to go all out for today. Should have planned a weekend getaway, private helicopter ride, etc.

nah, there’s no teaching him. he doesn’t value you enough.
Imo, throw him back to the streets :look:
 
So my DH is inconsistent in his gift giving. He tries but he picks out some awful stuff Or is completely off the mark.

But he does other things that I consider more important. There are some men who give great, elaborate gifts, but suck at everything else.

now he was wrong for giving you those cards lol. Is he absent minded or something? If it’s important to you, I would definitely bring it up to him.
 
Have an attitude, diss his presents, outwardly show being appalled by his effortless gifts while at the same time giving suggestions. For example "What imma do with some daggone peanut butter cups? You could have at least gotten me a few bundles of hair." Clown him. This is prime time when being a B usually gets you what you want.

ETA - I'd call him out on those cards too. That's a punk move.
 
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I'm with the talk to him and be direct crew. If you have standards for holidays, birthdays and gift giving then address it. You may be doing too much and according to your post he is doing too little. But neither of you are mind readers and it needs to be discussed.

After discussing it, and if you can't come to an agreement, you have to decide how important this is to you.

And it is OK to feel disappointed.
 
Soooo... I did bring up the cards by mentioning that it was "so funny" that I had purchased the same cards a couple weeks ago and it was "interesting" that they showed up. He never really came clean about the cards, but at least he knew I was onto him.

As for the giving of gifts, I started the conversation by asking him how he felt about holidays, etc. I've seen what he does for his family and it appears that he just throws money at the problem. Case in point... he sent his mother a case of meat. That was enlightening. He also stated that it makes him a bit uncomfortable that I DON'T value things because in the past, he would give a designer purse or a gift card or jewelry. Since I didn't mention wanting anything, he went with the "safe" favorite candy.

I get it. He's bad at giving gifts, and he tried. We agreed on a couple things. I would give him access to an Amazon wish list (I would go bananas over a new pair of Uggs) and since he like throwing money at an issue, we chose a local food pantry, and he wrote a check. We also agreed to spend this weekend volunteering there and speaking my love language... quality time.

There are a lot worse issues I could be dealing with, so I'm glad I approached it tactfully. He doesn't do subtle. I get it, and I may ease up on my gift giving, because I end up so stressed trying to do the perfect gift. Equal effort, equal reward...
 
frizzy said:
Everybody ain't good at everything.

If he's checking off all the other boxes, just have a conversation about this, and give him a chance to improve.

We all come with different requirements and deal breakers. Choose yours.....and let us know what you decide.
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That's why I took a step back. He really does check all the boxes and some things that I never knew were important to me. While I didn't want him to think it was OK to just throw something together, I didn't want to make a huge deal out of something or make HIM feel unappreciated. I think I found a happy medium.

Besides, he's consistent. He's more of a "how much is it?" kinda guy and he'll just give you the money. He literally just gave his (grown) daughter and son a fistful of cash and had me pick up something for his grandkids and paid me back. It's just not his wheelhouse.
 
TinyBlu said:
Oh lawd! I can't teach him? Let me go make an Amazon wish list.
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Ooh,, Amazon wish list is a great idea! I'm LOLing at the regifted cards. I wouldn't know whether to be mad, disappointed, or to start laughing. I bet my face would have looked so confused. Times like that I begin to think I must be the one who's tripping. Like, did I buy these cards, or am I imagining things? Also LOL at the case of meat :rofl: at least that's useful.
 
TinyBlu said:
Soooo... I did bring up the cards by mentioning that it was "so funny" that I had purchased the same cards a couple weeks ago and it was "interesting" that they showed up. He never really came clean about the cards, but at least he knew I was onto him.

As for the giving of gifts, I started the conversation by asking him how he felt about holidays, etc. I've seen what he does for his family and it appears that he just throws money at the problem. Case in point... he sent his mother a case of meat. That was enlightening. He also stated that it makes him a bit uncomfortable that I DON'T value things because in the past, he would give a designer purse or a gift card or jewelry. Since I didn't mention wanting anything, he went with the "safe" favorite candy.

I get it. He's bad at giving gifts, and he tried. We agreed on a couple things. I would give him access to an Amazon wish list (I would go bananas over a new pair of Uggs) and since he like throwing money at an issue, we chose a local food pantry, and he wrote a check. We also agreed to spend this weekend volunteering there and speaking my love language... quality time.

There are a lot worse issues I could be dealing with, so I'm glad I approached it tactfully. He doesn't do subtle. I get it, and I may ease up on my gift giving, because I end up so stressed trying to do the perfect gift. Equal effort, equal reward...
Click to expand...

The Amazon wishlist is a good idea in general. But in your case, don’t you think it’s sending mixed messages? You made it a point to let him and us know that you don’t care for things, but now you would “go bananas” over a pair of Ugg’s.

How about not doing gifts at all? Instead you two just plan something special to do together. DH and I haven’t exchanged gifts in years. We’ll go out for a nice dinner, take a trip, do a staycation, go museum hopping, go to an amusement park, etc. Sometimes we go shopping together, and we each just get what we want. I actually love things, lol, but I value time with my DH more, particularly because I don’t get to spend a lot of it with him due to the nature of his profession.
 
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You let him off the hook—-you’re GOOD. I would have been pissed about the cards and would have made it a character fault.

I really don’t think Valentine is about the gift but conveys whether your partner is still into you enough to know your interest or likes. The gift doesn’t have to be expensive but it should be thoughtful. Yes, my spouse never gets it right and we are approaching a half century together and it irks me. I hate the lack of thoughtfulness. Probably a gift I remember the most him turning over my garden plot in preparation of early planting. That didn’t end well—he suffered with a bad back muscles for the next two weeks.

ME: I don’t think I would convey to a new romantic interest that he doesn’t have to put much effort or thought into a gift. Understand loving Reese Penut Butter Cups but Godiva, Ghirardelli, and of course See’s makes them also. Reese’s are for “while I was at the store today” gift. Make him put some effort into it.

Yes, I’m a hard person to gift because quiet frankly I have pretty much everything....there is nothing materially I need, but I do get a kick out determining if he is noticing what are my interests. Him—it’s easy. He spends 4-5 hours a day on his bike or thinking about riding his bike. The other hours he thinks about bowling. I convey my love and support of his interest by buying gear that usually improves safety or comfort while riding. I also know that he really likes a brand of candy that must be ordered and did so in advance to ensure delivery. Him he never thinks about it UNTIL I’m purchasing something for someone else— I purchase valentine gifts for everyone. The only times he comes close is when he collaborates with DD and then it is usually late because he doesn’t plan. I then get a PICTURE of the gift, framed and packaged by DD.

ETA: I think men assign the value to us that we assign to ourselves. They tend not to think ahead when it is not about them. I should have required more mental effort from him in the early years....but that’s deep water under a very long bridge.
 
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