Agree or disagree: If you have to ask yourself if you're in love, you're not.

[Glib Gurl]

I was talking with a friend of mine a while back and she decided to cut off this guy who she was talking to . . . because she wasn't sure how he felt about her (even though she was gaga) over him. She told me, "If he has to ask himself if he loves me, then he doesn't."

Do you agree with this sentiment? Would you feelings be different if it were the other way around (a man pining over a woman)?

 

[Charlie555]

I totally agree because a man will always SHOW you how he feels.

 

[Katherina]

I look at these situations from the perspective of a woman being pursued by a man. Was she being pursued or was he pursuing her? I don't have any experience pursuing men so I can't offer help in that area.

I think she was right for cutting it short. I don't play games with men who don't know what they want. From what I've seen, that just leads to months or years of not knowing what they want, until a breakup finally happens. If he really wants her for commitment, he'll know it.

So I do believe that love can blossom, but I don't know that it's safe to wait around (unless she's just dating just to date). I think if she's interested in a commitment, she should look for a man who knows what he wants (commitment), and knows it's her he wants.

 

[luvn_life]

Not from a man's perspective because they don't know alot things... They often claim they're in love when they aren't and vice versa. Since women are more emotionally in tune, if we don't know how we feel about someone that usually means we aren't in love. But, if she is not getting what she needs then its good that she cut the relationship off before her feelings continued to progress. Alot of times women stay around and then get upset when things don't change.

Also, alot people don't really know what love is... They know when they like someone, but they don't know what the difference between love and like. If I was with someone and they asked did I love them (without me coming to that conclusion on my own) I would probably have to think about it

 

[Mis007]

I neither agree or disagree, yes one can love someone and know it instantly, but one can also grow to love someone.

 

[caltron]

I think for men especially, they pretty much know early on whether they love a woman or not. They just aren't very complicated when it comes to that and it's harder for them to hide it. They almost always let you know pretty early on how they are feeling. Women just don't always accept it at face value.

I do think it's possible for people to grow to love each other though, but even there, a man is going to give you some pretty clear clues that his feelings are changing.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I disagree...especially if you've never been in love before. you're going to want naturally question those intense feelings and desires for someone if its new to you.

However I dont think its fair to act like an arsehole or string the other person along if you arent sure about your feelings and what you ultimately want.

 

[Mis007]

I disagree...especially if you've never been in love before. you're going to want naturally question those intense feelings and desires for someone if its new to you.

Off topic, your cornrows are lovely.

 

[Sasha299]

I think people don't question it enough and thus end up mixing up like/lust for love. If more people questioned their feelings (and were honest in their responses) then maybe there would not be as many divorces.

 

[ambergirl]

I voted yes to the general question because I think most women know if they're in love or not, but I think in general men are either confused about their emotions or afraid to cop to them so it may be a different situation for them.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Personally, I think that if your friend had to ASK her boyfriend whether or not he was in love with her, then he's not in love with her. That really tells me a lot, because either he is NOT communicating verbally that he's "in love", OR...his actions aren't SHOWING that he's in love.

And if that's the case, then your friend did the right thing in cutting things off. Because trust me, when a man is "in love" with you, YOU WILL KNOW. He won't be able to hide it. Even if he can't verbally always express his feelings towards you (some men just aren't "emotional" or "verbal") his ACTIONS will ALWAYS tell you what you need to know. You will have "SIGNS". He'll show you that he's putting you and the relationship first.

If you have to ask...then you already have your answer IMO.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

^^^^ But at the same time I would feel a certain way if my SO broke up with me because I wasnt in love with him. Im not BTW. For some it takes time to develop those feelings. So long as Im being respected and there's "something there" to eventually develop into that in the near future why break up?

ETA: If its like 3 years and he still doesnt know then obviously.....thats wasting his time and hers. But if its a fairly new relationship under a year or so I would see how things go.

 

[Syrah]

I voted yes to the general question because I think most women know if they're in love or not, but I think in general men are either confused about their emotions or afraid to cop to them so it may be a different situation for them.

Say this again.

I also think love is something you choose, not something that happens to you - so different people go through different processes to choose love. For some it is confused with lust and excitement. For others, it is an easy choice. Or not so much.

It depends on the person.

But when a man loves YOU, you feel it. And you know it. The fact that she didn't feel it, or didn't know it and needed to ask tells me that the answer is "no".

 

[YankeeCandle]

In my opinion, the "shouldn't have to ask yourself" school of thought is rooted in the "True Love is a shivery, starburst, comet-blazing, spine-tingly tidal wave of sensation" notion. Sure, anyone who has such emotionally and physically violent reactions doesn't need to ask themself much to determine the level of their attachment.

I am of the second school: Feelings are complicated; they can take a long time to develop, and, even once developed, they can ebb and flow over time. It's no coincidence I feel this way because MY school of thought is rooted in the "true love comes in many forms and faces; spine-tingly starbursts not required."

In my opinion, many more people who claim themselves "in love" would do well to "ask themselves" if they are in love instead of using sensation (emotional, mental, or physical) as the chief barometer.

 

[LoveisYou]

Relationships are never black and white, so this is a hard question. It depends on the situation. Sometimes it takes time for ppl to "fall in love." For example, I remember asking my cousin how he knew he loved his wife. He said when he first met her, he liked her, but he didn't pursue her, because he wanted to "do him with other women." (shakes head) Years later, their paths crossed again and he asked her out on a date and the courtship began. She became pregnant about 1.5 years later (before marriage). He said he realized he was in love with his wife when he looked at her carrying his child and realized that he wanted no one else to mother his child. He said she was never more beautiful and that he felt lucky to have met such an incredible woman. So no it wasn't instant, but he loves her. You should see them together, the cutest couple!!!!!


Every relationship is different, and love is deeper than feeling butterflies. I think the true representation of love is commitment. Being committed to that person and that relationship so much that you work together to weather the storms, being so commited that you would never do anything to intentionally hurt your partner. Being commited enough to make the choice to be loyal and faithful. That level of commitment takes time. I personally don't condider instant attraction or butterflies love.

 

[Syrah]

I am of the second school: Feelings are complicated; they can take a long time to develop, and, even once developed, they can ebb and flow over time. It's no coincidence I feel this way because MY school of thought is rooted in the "true love comes in many forms and faces; spine-tingly starbursts not required."

In my opinion, many more people who claim themselves "in love" would do well to "ask themselves" if they are in love instead of using sensation (emotional, mental, or physical) as the chief barometer.

Agreed. I think people have a heard time separating the situation from the man/woman. In other words, people fall in love with situations and scenarios - folks love dates, the conversation, the environments in which you interact with another person - and confuse love for all these things with love for a person.

Loving someone requires that you strip away all of that.

 

[PopLife]

Relationships are never black and white, so this is a hard question. It depends on the situation. Sometimes it takes time for ppl to "fall in love." For example, I remember asking my cousin how he knew he loved his wife. He said when he first met her, he liked her, but he didn't pursue her, because he wanted to "do him with other women." (shakes head) Years later, their paths crossed again and he asked her out on a date and the courtship began. She became pregnant about 1.5 years later (before marriage). He said he realized he was in love with his wife when he looked at her carrying his child and realized that he wanted no one else to mother his child. He said she was never more beautiful and that he felt lucky to have met such an incredible woman. So no it wasn't instant, but he loves her. You should see them together, the cutest couple!!!!!


Every relationship is different, and love is deeper than feeling butterflies. I think the true representation of love is commitment. Being committed to that person and that relationship so much that you work together to weather the storms, being so commited that you would never do anything to intentionally hurt your partner. Being commited enough to make the choice to be loyal and faithful. That level of commitment takes time. I personally don't condider instant attraction or butterflies love.

Excellent post especially the bolded.

I don't necessarily agree with the notion that all men instanly know when they are in love with a woman...

 

[Glib Gurl]

Two more quotes for the LHCF wisdom blog!

In my opinion, the "shouldn't have to ask yourself" school of thought is rooted in the "True Love is a shivery, starburst, comet-blazing, spine-tingly tidal wave of sensation" notion. Sure, anyone who has such emotionally and physically violent reactions doesn't need to ask themself much to determine the level of their attachment.

I am of the second school: Feelings are complicated; they can take a long time to develop, and, even once developed, they can ebb and flow over time. It's no coincidence I feel this way because MY school of thought is rooted in the "true love comes in many forms and faces; spine-tingly starbursts not required."

In my opinion, many more people who claim themselves "in love" would do well to "ask themselves" if they are in love instead of using sensation (emotional, mental, or physical) as the chief barometer.

Relationships are never black and white, so this is a hard question. It depends on the situation. Sometimes it takes time for ppl to "fall in love." For example, I remember asking my cousin how he knew he loved his wife. He said when he first met her, he liked her, but he didn't pursue her, because he wanted to "do him with other women." (shakes head) Years later, their paths crossed again and he asked her out on a date and the courtship began. She became pregnant about 1.5 years later (before marriage). He said he realized he was in love with his wife when he looked at her carrying his child and realized that he wanted no one else to mother his child. He said she was never more beautiful and that he felt lucky to have met such an incredible woman. So no it wasn't instant, but he loves her. You should see them together, the cutest couple!!!!!


Every relationship is different, and love is deeper than feeling butterflies. I think the true representation of love is commitment. Being committed to that person and that relationship so much that you work together to weather the storms, being so commited that you would never do anything to intentionally hurt your partner. Being commited enough to make the choice to be loyal and faithful. That level of commitment takes time. I personally don't condider instant attraction or butterflies love.

 

[caribeandiva]

You know you're truly in love when you don't need reassurance from others that you are in love. You trust your instincts and other people's opinions are just that, opinions.

 

[kbragg]

I'm in the middle. I do believe emotions are complex and some people are more cautious about allowing themselves to fall for someone especially if they've been hurt before. On the other hand I DO think men know right away if they'd wife a girl or not. Men are very methodical and have pretty clear intentions when they approach a girl. A lot of times women miss this IMO and that's how they get caught up and strung along for years. He may have been just looking for a good time and never had any intentions of getting to know you on more than a superficial level.

The woman on the other hand may think "Oh this guy is the type I'd want to marry." and gets caught up, gives up the booty early and then ends up wondering why he never commits. She's now made herself a consistent source of sexual satisfaction and a guy is not likely to give that up unless he finds better. Eventually he may marry her after years and years because he realizes she's the best he's going to get, maybe kids are in the picture now and he wants to do the right thing etc. but generally these end up being the "it's just a piece of paper" type relationships.

For the most part though guys know IMO.