Q. In-laws: After meeting my now sister-in-law, my brother washed his hands of our family and his former friends. We used to be quite close and to the extent of my knowledge there wasn't a specific incident that led to his current behavior other than meeting his wife and adopting her lifestyle and family. While I acknowledge that his life is his choice, I'm struggling to deal with the impact his abandonment has had on my parents. For example, when my brother married he only invited a handful of his relatives and friends (we didn't even take up a whole table at the reception) to a 300-person ceremony and my immediate family appeared in exactly two of thousands of photos. My mother cried for weeks afterward and family friends constantly talk about staging an intervention. My brother and his wife never visit my parents and he only calls if my SIL is not around. Now they have a small child and my father refuses to acknowledge the child to keep from getting attached and my mother's heart is broken by not being able to have a relationship with her grandchild. The situation is only made worse by a plethora of pictures and comments online to the tune of "My mother is the best grammy ever!" and "(Baby) is so lucky to have such an amazing family!" in reference to my SIL's folks. I hate having all the holiday appearances and grandchildren needs fall on my shoulders, but more importantly, I hate seeing my parents hurt without knowing the reason why. What can I say or do to help the situation?
A: I'm going to take your word that this is not a case in which your brother is distancing himself from an abusive or overly controlling family, but that your sister-in-law is engaging in a systematic campaign of alienation of affection. These situations are both heart-breaking and baffling for the family left behind. For some reason, certain people are vulnerable to a cult-like romance in which the new partner dictates who is acceptable and who is not. We recognize more clearly when it's a husband who isolates his wife from her family and friends that he's dangerously controlling. From your description, your brother is being terribly manipulated by his wife. Unfortunately, your brother willingly signed up for this. Either his wife has him convinced that your family is toxic, or he realizes he will pay too big a price at home if he tries to see his family. That he does call when his wife is out indicates he has a glimmer of understanding that his situation is not normal. Your brother is an adult and presumably competent, so painful as it is your family might have to recognize there's not much you can do. Perhaps you, however, can act as a bridge. If you're in the same town, suggest lunch with your brother. Tell him how much you all miss him and say that now that you're both parents you want the cousins to get to know each other. Don't lay on a guilt trip, but see if there's an opening to get the kids together, which could lead to more contact generally. I think your father's position vis-a-vis the child is counterproductive. Your family does not want to give your sister-in-law evidence to build her case that you are all cold and unloving. So all of you should mark the baby's birthday with gifts and cards. You should occasionally call or email neutral good wishes, even if they are not returned. And all of you should stop looking at the social media announcements of your sister-in-law, which aren't so much a news feed as a daily twisting of a knife in a wound.
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/...e_my_brother_disowned_us_for_his_in_laws.html
A: I'm going to take your word that this is not a case in which your brother is distancing himself from an abusive or overly controlling family, but that your sister-in-law is engaging in a systematic campaign of alienation of affection. These situations are both heart-breaking and baffling for the family left behind. For some reason, certain people are vulnerable to a cult-like romance in which the new partner dictates who is acceptable and who is not. We recognize more clearly when it's a husband who isolates his wife from her family and friends that he's dangerously controlling. From your description, your brother is being terribly manipulated by his wife. Unfortunately, your brother willingly signed up for this. Either his wife has him convinced that your family is toxic, or he realizes he will pay too big a price at home if he tries to see his family. That he does call when his wife is out indicates he has a glimmer of understanding that his situation is not normal. Your brother is an adult and presumably competent, so painful as it is your family might have to recognize there's not much you can do. Perhaps you, however, can act as a bridge. If you're in the same town, suggest lunch with your brother. Tell him how much you all miss him and say that now that you're both parents you want the cousins to get to know each other. Don't lay on a guilt trip, but see if there's an opening to get the kids together, which could lead to more contact generally. I think your father's position vis-a-vis the child is counterproductive. Your family does not want to give your sister-in-law evidence to build her case that you are all cold and unloving. So all of you should mark the baby's birthday with gifts and cards. You should occasionally call or email neutral good wishes, even if they are not returned. And all of you should stop looking at the social media announcements of your sister-in-law, which aren't so much a news feed as a daily twisting of a knife in a wound.
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/...e_my_brother_disowned_us_for_his_in_laws.html
