Advice: Judging your SO's past

[ms.mimi]

Don't ask questions you aren't prepared to hear the answers to. She's got to evaluate who he is now not who he was.

That being said, I don't think any woman should reveal the answers to these kinds of questions at any time in a relationship. Men aren't nearly so non-judge mental as they claim to be.

EXACTLY! I had a don't ask, don't tell policy on that type of information. Unless it's something that can/will effect your relationship/health it's none of your business. And that goes both ways. What good can come from knowing he tag teamed a few times or you slept with a girl or two?

 

[Farida]

I don't judge in the sense that it is not my place to tell you whether you are going to heaven or hell...

But if there is one place to make other judgements it is in relationships. This is your life! The number of times something happens to someone in a marriage and you ask, "Did you have any hint of this when you were dating...?" This is the time to say no to someone who bites his nails because you CANNOT exist with someone who does that...even if it seems ridiculous to others. Some things are deal breakers.

This is the time to sort the seeds from the chaff.

So, she has been with this guy for 2 and a half years. In light of this new information what does this mean? Has he been cheating on her? Did he lie about being in love with her? Is he seeing prostitutes? Basically, has he really changed? If she really knows this man, which if she has done her due diligence in 2 years she should, are these really issues or is this the past?

I did not sleep around so it was important for me not to be with someone who sleeps around. Not because it makes me a better person (it does not) but because we were likely to have similar values and similar baggage. If I met and fell in love with a man who had slept around I would have wanted to see him remain celibate for a significant period of time to prove he had changed. Then the past would be the past. But she sounds like she did not ask or care to ask. If it was so important why did she wait so long?

So her big task is whether or not he is a changed man and looking at the past, does this shed light on his behavior in the relationship? What does it say about the future?

If he has changed but she cannot handle his past it is best to end things and make that a priority for her next relationship. And she had better not be pointing fingers at him with skeletons of a similar nature in her closet.

 

[ladysaraii]

I don't judge in the sense that it is not my place to tell you whether you are going to heaven or hell...

But if there is one place to make other judgements it is in relationships. This is your life! The number of times something happens to someone in a marriage and you ask, "Did you have any hint of this when you were dating...?" This is the time to say no to someone who bites his nails because you CANNOT exist with someone who does that...even if it seems ridiculous to others. Some things are deal breakers.

This is the time to sort the seeds from the chaff.

So, she has been with this guy for 2 and a half years. In light of this new information what does this mean? Has he been cheating on her? Did he lie about being in love with her? Is he seeing prostitutes? Basically, has he really changed? If she really knows this man, which if she has done her due diligence in 2 years she should, are these really issues or is this the past?

I did not sleep around so it was important for me not to be with someone who sleeps around. Not because it makes me a better person (it does not) but because we were likely to have similar values and similar baggage. If I met and fell in love with a man who had slept around I would have wanted to see him remain celibate for a significant period of time to prove he had changed. Then the past would be the past. But she sounds like she did not ask or care to ask. If it was so important why did she wait so long?

So her big task is whether or not he is a changed man and looking at the past, does this shed light on his behavior in the relationship? What does it say about the future?

If he has changed but she cannot handle his past it is best to end things and make that a priority for her next relationship. And she had better not be pointing fingers at him with skeletons of a similar nature in her closet.

First bolded: preach sister!

Second bolded: I think we (not you, just in general) are being a little harsh about her asking or waiting to ask. I'm wondering if she didn't think to ask or to ask in detail. Esp if she was a fairly conservative girl herself. I mean, the things that I've heard that people are into can be shocking and I ever would have thought to ask people questions along those lines.

And also (now talking about other replies upthread), I don't like the insinuation that she should just get over it b/c it's been a year and a half. f we found out that he molested children or had been with a man, we'd have no problem telling her to move on. If she feels uncomfortable with this, she is allowed to change her mind about the relationship and find someone who fits her values.

 

[gabulldawg]

Hmmm. #1 and #4 both make me nervous. erplexed WTF? That's dangerous sexual behavior that could cause the spread of STI's. So I would probably have to re-evaluate our relationship at that point.

 

[LiftedUp]

He purposefully did not tell her these things because he knew if he had, she wouldn't want to be with him (his words).

This is what bothered me.

Lying by omission I tell you.

 

[okange76]

We have now given our opinions. OP what has she decided to do? Leave or Stay?

 

[LovinLea]

We have now given our opinions. OP what has she decided to do? Leave or Stay?

Stay. Her reason: She already has developed feelings for him, it was smart of him to wait to tell her because he was right, she would have left. erplexed

 

[Kindheart]

He should have kept his mouth shut . Why tell her all that stuff ..fool.