Advice: Judging your SO's past

[LovinLea]

I am very non-judgmental...to a fault, so its hard for me to try to give advice about something like this. My good friend has a boyfriend who has a good deal more experience than her. She is very religious and conservative. (I am too IRL) She is saying that he really didn't tell her these things about himself when they first met (didnt want to scare her) but now feels more comfortable.

She says she doesn't tell me everything because she doesnt want me to judge him (I agree. A relationship is between two people). But they did some questionnaire and some answers bothered her:

1. He has had sex with someone without even knowing her name.

2. He has been the "other man".

3. He has lied to say "I love you" to a lot of women.

4. He would have sex with a prostitute if he didnt have to pay.

She is starting to feel like he is a garden tool/not respect him. Her question is basically is she judging him too harshly. Then she says she doesnt care and she trusts him.

ETA: Been together a year and a 1/2

 

[Lucie]

That's really her call. Some people really have a sordid life, meet someone, fall in love and do right by them. Some people, fall in love and do whatever they can get away with. She needs to figure out if her disgust (or whatever she is feeling) will be the ending of her relationship. Good luck to her.

 

[CaraWalker]

after a year and a half ummmm what does she expect to do about it now? suddenly she is worried hes a ho and she never thought so before? i cant with religious piety.

 

[LovinLea]

after a year and a half ummmm what does she expect to do about it now? suddenly she is worried hes a ho and she never thought so before? i cant with religious piety.

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned she was religious. People already think Christians are judgmental.


They are talking about marriage and she said "turn a ho into a househusband", which tickled me because I feel like normally men are judging women off their past but not the other way around.

 

[Fine 4s]

Funny thing is, that sounds about right for most of the dudes I know lol!

I need to expand my search *gulp*

 

[CaraWalker]

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned she was religious. People already think Christians are judgmental. They are talking about marriage and she said "turn a ho into a househusband", which tickled me because I feel like normally men are judging women off their past but not the other way around.

that ho has been her bf for the past two years already though. shes already been running round with a ho. i guess now its different bc she knows about it

 

[TokyoReina]

That's his past...but how does he treat her now? If he's treating her well and she's happy...I wouldn't make it an issue unless it became an issue. As in he starts reverting to old habits or his past actions come back to bite.

What kind of questionairre is this? and how did she get the answers?

 

[Holla]

She is worried about marrying someone unequally yoked. She is conservative and he doesn't sound like he is the same. The questions about his past didn't raise an eyebrow but the one about sleeping with hookers did because that is what he would do in the FUTURE. She should be concerned.

 

[okange76]

While being religious and conservative, I hope she has not slept with him. If she has, then she has no dog in this fight because she should have remained celibate. He is pretty much the norm for most men. She should not have asked him the questions if she was not ready to deal with the truth.

If she can't deal with him, then she needs to find a religious and conservative guy. Unfortunately, many have the exact same past as this man before they decided to change and be better. If he is treating her respectfully then she should give him a chance until he proves otherwise.

 

[MD_Lady]

I don't see your friend as being judgemental and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting someone who has values and experiences that are similar to yours. I will say that, if she "trusts him" and "doesn't care", she needs to make sure her words mirror her actions (because a lot of people say they're cool with XYZ about their SO, until they have an opportunity to use it against them).

 

[LiftedUp]

Wait, they were together a year and a half and she's now finding this out! Wow! Telling someone I love you and not mean it, I can deal with. The rest is a hard pill to swallow.

eta: Now that I rethink it, I would chalk it up to lying by omission.

 

[lux10023]

i know a lot about dh's pasttt--and he wasnt a saint..neither was i but....
what was listed is a no for me and its more about character/moral for me

 

[Mai Tai]

How does he treat her now OP? Is he reformed? Has any of his past characteristics manifested themselved in their current relationship?

If he is a changed man truly, then I would say to hell with #1-3, but #4 really bothered me. First of all, what type of "prostitutes" let you sleep with them without paying, and second, stating that he would engage in this type of activity if the opportunity presented itself is a HUGE red flag.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I am judgmental and very proud of it so here's my take.

Now that the blindfold is off, the friend should evaluate the last year and a half to figure out if there has been anything off about this dude. Are there any red flags or glaring issues that she may have overlooked? Forget the prostitute question, is she one of the women he's said "I love you" to without meaning it?

I notice that this is a year and a half relationship that is still boyfriend/girlfriend. You say she is thinking about marriage but has he ever brought up the subject?

 

[Southernbella.]

I have to agree that he sounds like a lot of men I know in their younger/college years. The question is if he is that same person or if he's changed. If he was doing all this up until they met, I would run for the hills. If he had been on the straight for awhile when they met, then I'd say she's being judgmental for a whole year in. If that stuff is that important to her, she should have inquired a long time ago.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

 

[Country gal]

I use to think your past is your past. People can change. Looking at his past actions are very important. People don't change because the grow older. They have to show me they are serious about leaving this past behind.

 

[RoseTintedCheeks]

Don't ask questions you aren't prepared to hear the answers to. She's got to evaluate who he is now not who he was.

That being said, I don't think any woman should reveal the answers to these kinds of questions at any time in a relationship. Men aren't nearly so non-judge mental as they claim to be.

 

[LovinLea]

I have to agree that he sounds like a lot of men I know in their younger/college years. The question is if he is that same person or if he's changed. If he was doing all this up until they met, I would run for the hills. If he had been on the straight for awhile when they met, then I'd say she's being judgmental for a whole year in. If that stuff is that important to her, she should have inquired a long time ago.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

He was "the other man" when they met. Then he stopped talking to that woman who was in a relationship. Took about a month courting and than asked for an exclusive relationship. erplexed Does that change things?

 

[LovinLea]

How does he treat her now OP? Is he reformed? Has any of his past characteristics manifested themselved in their current relationship?

If he is a changed man truly, then I would say to hell with #1-3, but #4 really bothered me. First of all, what type of "prostitutes" let you sleep with them without paying, and second, stating that he would engage in this type of activity if the opportunity presented itself is a HUGE red flag.

She says she trusts him. So I would assume he's behaving. She never really complains about him...just talks about how different his lifestyle is from her conservative one.

 

[LovinLea]

Don't ask questions you aren't prepared to hear the answers to. She's got to evaluate who he is now not who he was.

That being said, I don't think any woman should reveal the answers to these kinds of questions at any time in a relationship. Men aren't nearly so non-judge mental as they claim to be.

This is what I find interesting. Tables turned. I feel like men do this all the time. Like on Couples Therapy, Ghostface wouldn't take that girl seriously after she told him she stripped for a short time years before they met.

 

[LiftedUp]

Funny thing is, that sounds about right for most of the dudes I know lol!

I need to expand my search *gulp*

Ironically it's opposite to the guys I know. It may fit about two persons but they're just acquaintances.

 

[CaraWalker]

I have to agree that he sounds like a lot of men I know in their younger/college years. The question is if he is that same person or if he's changed. If he was doing all this up until they met, I would run for the hills. If he had been on the straight for awhile when they met, then I'd say she's being judgmental for a whole year in. If that stuff is that important to her, she should have inquired a long time ago.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

this is my concern and why i am so dismissive of this question. she apparently had no doubts about his character the entire time but now that she has been given this information she wants to side eye. if he never told her this she would think of him in the same positive terms she always has. now you wanna get on your high horse.

how do you treat someone in your life with a level of love and respect you apparently feel they deserve, but they tell you something about their past and suddenly theyre not worth that love and respect anymore? he would be a fool to stay with her, as would any woman who was faced with this same reaction from a man. folks swear they know what theyre dealing with then wanna get righteous when they start digging for info they cant handle. your friend is a hypocrite.

 

[locabouthair]

How does he treat her now OP? Is he reformed? Has any of his past characteristics manifested themselved in their current relationship?

If he is a changed man truly, then I would say to hell with #1-3, but #4 really bothered me. First of all, what type of "prostitutes" let you sleep with them without paying, and second, stating that he would engage in this type of activity if the opportunity presented itself is a HUGE red flag.

I agree. The others I'm meh about but number 4 is a big one.

 

[Browndilocks]

Why be so concerned about his past now? She's opening the door for a lot of insecurity on her part and foolishness from him. Once a guy tells you stuff like that, the next thing he's going to do is see when he can try it on you. Not worth it to reach back and make judgments on things that are beyond your control. If he was a rapist or killer I'd want to know but the stuff mentioned is petty IMO.

 

[LovinLea]

this is my concern and why i am so dismissive of this question. she apparently had no doubts about his character the entire time but now that she has been given this information she wants to side eye. if he never told her this she would think of him in the same positive terms she always has. now you wanna get on your high horse.

how do you treat someone in your life with a level of love and respect you apparently feel they deserve, but they tell you something about their past and suddenly theyre not worth that love and respect anymore? he would be a fool to stay with her, as would any woman who was faced with this same reaction from a man. folks swear they know what theyre dealing with then wanna get righteous when they start digging for info they cant handle. your friend is a hypocrite.

I think you're being a little harsh. He purposefully did not tell her these things because he knew if he had, she wouldn't want to be with him (his words).

This is someone who's spent her life in church or at school until she met him.

I'm feeling that the general consensus is to get over it. If not, let him go. About right?

 

[CaraWalker]

I think you're being a little harsh. He purposefully did not tell her these things because he knew if he had, she wouldn't want to be with him (his words). This is someone who's spent her life in church or at school until she met him.

my point is you cannot rely on judging someones character based on what they do and do not tell you. that is a fools errand. thats what your friend did, and her reaction because of it leaves her looking foolish.

 

[nlamr2013]

I mean if she's religious as long as his behavior is in the past he is supposed to be a new ' creature' saying that, lol Idk if I would be able to look past it lol

 

[greight]

I give him credit for telling her and being honest.

That said, I do not blame your friend one bit for having misgivings. He just told her the truth (essentially lying out of omission because he knew she wouldn't be down with his past) and she has grown to love him in the last 1.5 years.

Only your friend can assess whether or not he is the person who has changed from his past. It's tough.

 

[DarkJoy]

i know a lot about dh's pasttt--and he wasnt a saint..neither was i but....
what was listed is a no for me and its more about character/moral for me

I agree with this and i am in no way religious. Not sorry to say I dumped a man who confessed to seeing a prostitute. I would also dump one for lying about love to get laid.

Morals. Character. Integrity.

Eta. Telling me means he's giving me free will to decide. Like women, sometimes men need to keep their freaking mouths shut.

 

[chronicity]

If their relationship has been fine up until now and he hasn't shown any signs of weak character, then I don't think she should read too much into this. To be honest, none of those answers would cause me to run for the hills (but I'm not religious or conservative).

Being the "other man" is bad, but if it happened once and he regrets it, then it's kind of petty to hold it over his head.

Why did he tell women that he loved them when he did not? Was it because he was trying to seduce them into bed, or was it because he didn't want to hurt someone's feelings? A conversation could reveal a lot here. Again, if this is a behavior pattern he has abandoned over time, I don't think it's fair to condemn him for life.

The sex thing and the prostitute thing...yes, these reveal a difference in values. But why is it only now that this is coming to light? If i were uber religious and sexual chastity was a value of mine, it seems like she and him would've already talked at length about their past experiences. You don't even need to know someone's count to get a sense of how they view casual sex, and if it's important that you not be with someone who is casual with sex, then it's kind of silly to wait more than a year to figure out their attitudes on the subject. It makes me think the OP's friend hasn't really gotten to know him beyond the superficial.

She needs to talk to him. That's what married people need to be able to do with each other when they are concerned about something.