Advice desperately needed: How do you break his heart?

[Serenity_Peace]

Ladies: the thread entitled "Do you love white men" got me to thinking about a really sad situation that I'm in.

Please bear with me. I really need advice and I'm about to drop a load on ya'll.

Here's my story:

I'm in a really sad situation right now with a white man. It can get potentially very bad if I don't handle it right.

He really loves me and pratically wants to marry me! He calls me all the time, sends me at least 10 emails a day, wants to wine and dine me...

I know, right! Be careful what you wish for. All my life I've prayed to have a guy be totally, madly in love with me...who loves, respects and wants to be with me ONLY. What I didn't clarify with the Lord is that I would have to feel the same way about him. In this case, I don't. It's NOT because he's white.

So, anyway there's this white guy I'm seeing who adores me, but I just don't feel the same about him. And guess what? I feel HORRIBLE about it. I mean, other than the fact that he's a Republican and wears his pants up to his titties, he's essentially a good guy. He has wonderful parents. And they don't seem to mind at all that I'm a black woman.

There are also other things that are confounding the relationship in addition to the fact that I don't have any feelings for him. One, he has a terrible degernerative disease that affects his eyesight. He could go blind one day and there's nothing that can be done about it. He can't see at night or even a lot of times during the day, so when we go out, I have to drive most of the time. It's irritating to me as well. I'm sorry to say that and I feel awful for feeling this way, but I always find myself in the caretaker position. I don't really want to be in that position. Just once, I want to be taken care of. I'm a black woman who needs a man to take care of her...not the other way around.

Two, I think this disease also affects his hearing. I find myself having to repeat everything I say twice. He has horrible hearing, and when I ask him about it, he says that he has trouble "sometimes." I leave it alone, but I don't think he's telling me the entire story.

So, the bottom line is that I am in a loveless relationship.

I want to be friends with this guy but he wants more. I've told him over and over--perhaps thousands of times--that I don't feel the same way and I want our friendship to last because he's been there for me during a very difficult time in my life. He says that he accepts my decision and yet he'll often make remarks about us finding a house together or getting married. And I always have to correct him. I feel absolutely horrible...like I'm the biggest bytch in the world because here it is a wonderful man that I've prayed for (sans his Republicanism/conservatism), and yet I can't make myself fall for him because I'm not attracted to him. I've never even kissed him or allowed him to kiss or touch me.

I'm sorry for the storybook. I was just venting I guess. I'm so very saddened by this situation. I told him that my heart is breaking because I'm breaking his heart. I begged him to start dating other women, but he tells me that it's *his* decision not to date. (He's 43.) When I ask him why he doesn't want to date, he tells me it's because he "feels confident about the future." When I ask him what he means by that, he says that he's confident. I then tell him that I don't feel the same way about him. I wish I did and I really want to love him in a romantic sense, but I really don't and no matter how hard I try, the feelings are not there. And yet, I think he's holding on in case something develops. And to be honest, I am so relieved when I'm not around him. I hate to say this, but I am really very happy and feel like a huge weight has been lifted when I'm not around him. He calls. I seldom call back. He asks to hang out with me. I make up excuses for why I can't. He tries to pull me close to him to kiss me. I push him away. I mean really, man...don't you get it? Can't you tell by my body language that I don't want you?! What's it going to take!!?!

I know that it's terrible for me to make things up so I don't have to be around him, but I warned him that it's not fair to me or him to hang on to this fantasy of us being together. I told him that it's unfair to him because I think he should find a woman who will feel the same way. It's not fair to me because I want to feel free to get out there and date and not feel guilty when I'm out with a guy. I am sad that here it is mid-summer and I have not been out on ONE date! And I'm a cute girl, too!

In all seriousness, the end of it all is that I'm not only really sad and frustrated, I sometimes get worried. Whenever I tell my friends about this--especially my guy friends--they warn me that this guy could be potentially dangerous. Because he can't seem to accept that I don't want a relationship with him, no matter how much I protest and firmly tell him no, my friends think that he will NEVER accept it or let me go and find someone that I truly want to be with. I honestly feel that I am trapped. I want to date other men, but my conscience makes me feel guilty for wanting to do so.

I am desperately in need of advice from my LHCF sisters on this one...

 

[MizAvalon]

Sounds like you are just gonna have to do a complete and total cutoff. With some men "just friendship" isn't possible. I would just stop all communication with him. Maybe, if you like, tell him one last time that the two of you are not a match and then cut him off. Hard, I know, but if you are concerned for your safety you need to cut ties with this man.

 

[Whimsy]

Cut homeboy off.
Don't feel bad about this!!!
Are you kidding me.
You want what you want and DESERVE to have what you desire.
A quality man is out there who can see, hear, wine dine you, treat you like a princess and add to the joy in your days.
This dude is obviously not doing a thing for you, why stay with him.
"friends" my ass.
Cut him off.
Be happy, sh*t.

(was that rude? cuz if so, i wasn't tryin to be)

 

[Crysdon]

It seems like you feel obligated to be in this guy's life. Maybe you should cease all communication so that he doesn't think you're leading him on.

I also don't believe this is the man that God has sent to you. You will know in your heart when He blesses you with that man.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

You haven't done anything wrong. It is HIS decision to continue to pursue someone who has been upfront about the feeling not being mutual. If you were leading him on, that's one thing, but it seems from your post that you have been honest all along.

I know it must be hard, I've had my heart broken and sometimes I feel guilty when I think about the guys I've turned down who were good men. It's like, God sends these men along, and I push them away in exchange for the trash. But I can't continue to think like that, neither can you.

You deserve to be HAPPY, and happiness comes from you being content with whomever you decide to get involved. It wouldn't be fair for you to be with someone, and live unhappily.

As far as his seeing and hearing problem, don't feel guilty. It's unfortunate that these conditions might become a barrier between himself and whatever relationships he might seek in the future, but it's better to be honest with yourself about what you're looking for, instead of being with someone, and being miserable for the rest of your life, if you're miserable, you'll make HIM miserable.

Sometimes you just have to be selfish. It sounds bad, but you gotta look out for YOURSELF sometimes, and you can't consider everyone's feelings. Once you cut things off once and for all, and he truly gets the message, and lets go...he might actually find someone who will return the feelings, and that's what he needs. So do what you have to do, for you! Cause at the end of the day, you have to live with your decisions and their consequences for the rest of your life.

 

[Christa438]

I've been in a relationship where I didn't feel the same for the other person as he did for me. I've been there a couple of times. because you may know how it feels to have your herat broken, you may not want to break someone else's heart. But sometimes it just can't be helped. One guy that I broke it off with, we're still friends to this day. The next boyfriend that I dumped, we're not friends. That's life. I can tell you that one guy sensed that I didn't love him like that, this guy was going through some things too, and he told me that he didn't want me to stay with him out of pity. I realized he was right and I let it go with relief.

 

[Twisties]

Cut homeboy off.
Don't feel bad about this!!!
Are you kidding me.
You want what you want and DESERVE to have what you desire.
A quality man is out there who can see, hear, wine dine you, treat you like a princess and add to the joy in your days.
This dude is obviously not doing a thing for you, why stay with him.
"friends" my ass.
Cut him off.
Be happy, sh*t.

(was that rude? cuz if so, i wasn't tryin to be)

why am i cracking up at this.

but move on if you are not happy, follow whimsy's advice.

 

[Whimsy]

why am i cracking up at this.

but move on if you are not happy, follow whimsy's advice.

glad i could make you laugh

 

[Christa438]

...
(was that rude? cuz if so, i wasn't tryin to be)

No, well i didn't think so. She asked for help from her LHCF sisters. And this is how me and my sistas talk to each other. We don't mean to be rude but we are straight up with each other. We do our best to keep it real.

You were right. She shouldn't be feeling guilty...now if she was leading him on, then she could feel guilty. I think he should feel guilty for taking advantage of the fact that she's a caring person with a kind heart.

 

[mermaid]

*sigh* Okay, I'm gonna say it and hope this doesn't blow up;
If the fact that he's white isn't the issue, then why did you mention it?
Why have you let the "relationship" get to the point where he's falling this hard for you? Surely you must have seen the signs before he got to the point of truely being hurt? Obviously he's gonna keep pursuing this as long as you are letting him in the hopes that you will come around and get some feelings he can work with.
Okay, that's all my questions for now. Hopefully your answers will help you to just take a stand and make the break, because stringing him along is not going to do him any favors.

 

[cocoberry10]

If you really don’t like this guy, the worst thing you can do is stay with him for sympathy or pity reasons. If you really care about this guy (even as a friend) then remember a friend would always want the best for his or her friend. And because you do not feel the same as he does, he deserves better. He deserves someone who will truly appreciate him.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

Cut homeboy off.
Don't feel bad about this!!!
Are you kidding me.
You want what you want and DESERVE to have what you desire.
A quality man is out there who can see, hear, wine dine you, treat you like a princess and add to the joy in your days.
This dude is obviously not doing a thing for you, why stay with him.
"friends" my ass.
Cut him off.
Be happy, sh*t.

(was that rude? cuz if so, i wasn't tryin to be)

Maybe that's what I need. I need someone to get in my a$$ because I know that what I'm doing is wrong. It's wrong for me and it's wrong for him. I also borrowed money from him, so I think that's one of the reasons why I feel trapped and can't cut him off. That's a long story. Please don't ask. But I'm paying him back. I won't be done paying him back until perhaps the end of the summer. Still, I know what you're saying. I need to be cussed the **** out for getting myself into this sad situation...and remaining in it!

 

[Serenity_Peace]

It seems like you feel obligated to be in this guy's life. Maybe you should cease all communication so that he doesn't think you're leading him on.

I also don't believe this is the man that God has sent to you. You will know in your heart when He blesses you with that man.

Maybe I needed to hear someone say this to me because I've been so riddled with guilt. It's the greatest guilt that I've ever felt. And I thought for a time that perhaps God wanted me to be with this man and is teaching me how to be compassionate and to love with all my heart, unconditionally. Like maybe God is testing me to see what kind of heart I have.

I want to love this guy, but my feelings aren't there. But, at the same time, in the back of my head maybe I'm doubting God or feel like I'm disobeying the Lord because he really is a good man. Maybe sometimes I feel that I'm asking for too much. I've wanted this all my life. Now I have it, but I don't love him.

 

[ultrasuede]

You really should not feel guilty as you were very honest and upfront about your feelings. You can't force your feelings,and you owe it to yourself to seek a satisfying relationship so that you can be happy. The longer you prolong the break the harder it will be.

 

[Christa438]

leech

Marriam-Websters Dictionary
Main Entry: 1leech
Pronunciation: 'lEch
Function: noun
3 : a hanger-on who seeks advantage or gainsynonym see [/COLOR][/B][SIZE=-1]PARASITE[/SIZE]

He thinks you'll change your mind or fall for him over time. trust me, that will NOT happen. All that will happen is that time will keep passing by. You may love him, but it's only a friendly love--and that's all it will ever be. It isn't fair to him or you (whether he realizes it or not) for you to miss out on the kind of love where you and your SO feel the same about each other.

Free Yourself, Serenity Peace!
Don't feel bad. You're doing the right thing.
You have to follow your heart and your mind.

 

[SouthernTease]

Don't feel sorry mamma...
cut him off....
don't "sweetheart" him...
better to leave him cold
than to string him along.
Never ever settle for less than what you want.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

*sigh* Okay, I'm gonna say it and hope this doesn't blow up;
If the fact that he's white isn't the issue, then why did you mention it?
Why have you let the "relationship" get to the point where he's falling this hard for you? Surely you must have seen the signs before he got to the point of truely being hurt? Obviously he's gonna keep pursuing this as long as you are letting him in the hopes that you will come around and get some feelings he can work with.
Okay, that's all my questions for now. Hopefully your answers will help you to just take a stand and make the break, because stringing him along is not going to do him any favors.

Thanks, Mermaid. Those are fair questions.

Let me clarify: I only thought about mentioning the fact that he's white because of a previous thread that I read on loving white men. In fact, I'm attracted to white men and they are attracted to me. So, no it's not a problem. I was also raised in a fairly progressive household. Both parents dated white people after they divorced. (I'm blessed to say that my parents are still good friends. )

Also, yes. I knew that he liked me from the beginning. And from the beginning (a year ago), I told him that I wasn't interested in a relationship but that I liked him as a person. This man is a wonderful guy. I know that he wanted to get physical with me, but when I told him no, he accepted that. To this day, he has never disrespected me, though he sometimes tries to sneak in a kiss. I push him away and he doesn't try anything else. But he has since confided in me that he loves me, and throughout it all, I have tried to be very honest with him about my feelings. He tells me that as long as we can hang out, then it's his decision to deal with it.

Yes, I am probably wrong for still hanging out with him. And yes, I am definitely wrong for lying to him when I don't want to see him. I take full responsibility for that.

And I fully understand that as long as I continue to allow this to go on, the situation only becomes more desperate. I know that I have to do something about this.

 

[cocosweet]

I think you're gonna have to cut him off period since your other efforts at being upfront with him ain't working.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

I think you're gonna have to cut him off period since your other efforts at being upfront with him ain't working.

Thank you. I know you're right...

 

[Serenity_Peace]

leech

Marriam-Websters Dictionary
Main Entry: 1leech
Pronunciation: 'lEch
Function: noun
3 : a hanger-on who seeks advantage or gainsynonym see [/color][/b][SIZE=-1]PARASITE[/SIZE]

He thinks you'll change your mind or fall for him over time. trust me, that will NOT happen. All that will happen is that time will keep passing by. You may love him, but it's only a friendly love--and that's all it will ever be. It isn't fair to him or you (whether he realizes it or not) for you to miss out on the kind of love where you and your SO feel the same about each other.

Free Yourself, Serenity Peace!
Don't feel bad. You're doing the right thing.
You have to follow your heart and your mind.

Yes, he *IS* hanging on in hopes that my feelings changed. He has shared his deepest, darkest secrets with me. Even his disability is unknown to many of his lifelong friends. But you are right. I recently had to shut him down for using the typical guilt trip on me:

Why do good guys always finish last?

Why do women ask for a good guy, then don't want him and instead want someone to treat her bad?

People get married for reasons other than love and attraction; they want security and stability.

And trust me, he knew how to get to me with these issues and I guess he did. I'm trying hard not to feel bad. I think I need therapy. This is not the first time that I've been in this situation and didn't leave because I didn't want to hurt the person or create conflict and that led me down a very bad road. I know that most of the problem lies within...

 

[vevster]

>>I mean, other than the fact that he's a Republican and wears his pants up to his titties, he's essentially a good guy.<<

That was enough for me, why did you start dating him?

 

[Magus484]

>>I mean, other than the fact that he's a Republican and wears his pants up to his titties, he's essentially a good guy.<<

That was enough for me, why did you start dating him?

.


But seriously. You need to find a way to cut him off. Write him a letter, if you can't say this to his face. Tell him everything you feel... gently. HOwever, in the letter, tell him why you are writing it in a letter, so that he doesn't think that you are a coward who can't say it to his face. Emphasize that you told him that you felt this way before and let him know that...

 

[Mizani_Mrs]

I think you owe it to him to cut him off and not continue to string him along. I just think that he's gotten caught up in the 'pursuit' of you and he's enjoyin it cause it makes him feel like a man, and now he's falling deeper and deeper in love with you. I agree with your friends...it could potentially get dangerous. But since you are his friend, i think cutting him off COLD is very heartless and inconsiderate. I think that you should tell him as of august 1st our relationship will change, we will no longer be hang out buddies...i would like for you to move on. and i want to move on and date as well. U can email me and call once a week, but we cannot hang out nor spend time together. wow what a tough situation to be in. but on another note, about him being blind.... blind folx are more than capable to get around and take care of themselves and wouldnt need anything frm you. So dont feel like you will be 'caregiver'.... Maybe after he gets over you and starts dating, maybe yall can be friends.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

>>I mean, other than the fact that he's a Republican and wears his pants up to his titties, he's essentially a good guy.<<

That was enough for me, why did you start dating him?

Get of here, Vev! I knew that would pull your chains.

Honestly, I asked God for a LIBERAL!!! A progressive!! I guess he meant a white man who would date a black chick!

 

[Serenity_Peace]

.


But seriously. You need to find a way to cut him off. Write him a letter, if you can't say this to his face. Tell him everything you feel... gently. HOwever, in the letter, tell him why you are writing it in a letter, so that he doesn't think that you are a coward who can't say it to his face. Emphasize that you told him that you felt this way before and let him know that...

If you can believe it, I've actually written countless letters because admittedly, I was a coward in the beginning. When letters didn't work, I became frustrated and had numerous, serious "talks" with him. That doesn't appear to be working. He's still inviting me to his beach house in Ocean City for godsake. And then, I guess the final straw for me was him telling me that he wants to find another job at my place of employment. I told him that there were no jobs available...and that was the truth!

 

[Serenity_Peace]

But since you are his friend, i think cutting him off COLD is very heartless and inconsiderate. I think that you should tell him as of august 1st our relationship will change, we will no longer be hang out buddies...i would like for you to move on. and i want to move on and date as well. U can email me and call once a week, but we cannot hang out nor spend time together. wow what a tough situation to be in. but on another note, about him being blind.... blind folx are more than capable to get around and take care of themselves and wouldnt need anything frm you. So dont feel like you will be 'caregiver'.... Maybe after he gets over you and starts dating, maybe yall can be friends.

I think the guilt and possibly the risk of being "cold" and callous as you say is what's stopping me the most. Truth is, he is the kindest, most considerate man I've ever met. But, yes, he can get demanding and a little pushy and that scares me. Let me not call him for one day. He'd be calling and emailing demanding why I haven't responded, even though I could legitimately be at an offsite meeting somewhere. And I'm thinking thank God he can't see at night, otherwise he'd be banging down my door wondering why I haven't called him back...see...that's him calling me right now!

What I'm hoping is that he will start dating other women and I'd start dating other men and then he realizes that his feelings are different. I want him to fall in love with someone else to ease my guilt, pain and shame.

 

[Amber_moon]

REPUBLICAN?????? RUN GIRL!! RUN FO YO LIFE!!!! RUN FO DA HILLS!!!!


No in all sincerity, he is probably a very nice guy. But if you do not have feelings for him, then there isn't much you can do to change that. And please do not try and "force" yourself to like him.

If you are not in love.... you are not in love. And as oversimplified as that may sound, its the truth. And in the long run, if you DO marry him, and have children, you'll feel the SAME way about him as you do now maybe worse. And If hes a great guy, he doesn't deserve to have you hating him. (which is exactly where it will end up if you marry him)

So do the right thing (its never easy) and cut him off. Call him on the phone and tell him exactly how you feel. (don't let him interrupt you while you are doing it either because he will try to talk his way back in... damn republicans! they all do that! j/k lol) Dont call him, don't take his calls, don't go out with him, don't accept any invitations from him for a long while. Just cold turkey him.

But thats it.

Dont fool yourself into thinking that he will accept this "just friends" stuff either. Hes already proven that he will not. And because he cant accept that... than YOU cannot accept the relationship as it currently is.

Protect yourself.

 

[yourleoqueen]

Serenity_Peace, I'm just curious, but...

1) How old are you? I ask cuz from the back of yo head you don't look a day over 20, and if he's 43 uhm...

2) How dangerous could a nearly blind and deaf man be?

 

[vevster]

Get of here, Vev! I knew that would pull your chains.

Honestly, I asked God for a LIBERAL!!! A progressive!! I guess he meant a white man who would date a black chick!

Confession time.... I actually dated a guy that voted for Bush in the last election. It was downhill from there.

 

[Serenity_Peace]

Serenity_Peace, I'm just curious, but...

1) How old are you? I ask cuz from the back of yo head you don't look a day over 20, and if he's 43 uhm...

2) How dangerous could a nearly blind and deaf man be?

Awwww.....thank you, thank you! I'm 35 going on 36 in October. Yes, I have thought about these things. And I really do love him as a friend, but DAYYUUUMMM...he called me tonight asking me for a "favor." When I asked him what the favor was, he said: come with me to Ocean City, just to get me away from this place. I told him that we'd talk about it later. I have always turned him down when he asked about going with him. This would give me an open to have yet another "talk" with him. I asked him before if going with him to Ocean City would be a "romantic thing." He said NO, but there's just something about going away to the beach, two people, male and female alone. I just don't feel comfortable. He tells me that he just wants to get me away to relax and enjoy myself. I believe him, but if he didn't feel the way he did about me, I'd feel better about going. But I just don't feel comfortable and I will tell him this. He's also been badgering me about going to OC so much. He won't let it die...