A commitment phobe broke my heart.

[StarScream35]

I'm sad right now. I was with this guy for 4 months and our chemistry was great. So great that we made it exclusive. This weekend he told me he didn't want to move forward because he wasn't ready to settle down. I was hurt because he led me to believe he wanted to settle down. During our conversation he mentioned he broke up with his prior girlfriend because he wasn't ready to keep it going. I realized I had a commitment phobe on my hand without even realizing it. There were no clues no signs etc. He even talked about us and the future. Seems like the harder I try to be careful, that's usually when I end up with the worst of the worst. I feel so awful and sad right now. Why can't there just be a plethora of good men out there?

 

[sunnieb]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. However, I am glad he told you after 4 months instead of 4 years.

Let your emotions out, cry, then heal. You will make it through this.

 

[auparavant]

I'm sad right now. I was with this guy for 4 months and our chemistry was great. So great that we made it exclusive. This weekend he told me he didn't want to move forward because he wasn't ready to settle down. I was hurt because he led me to believe he wanted to settle down. During our conversation he mentioned he broke up with his prior girlfriend because he wasn't ready to keep it going. I realized I had a commitment phobe on my hand without even realizing it. There were no clues no signs etc. He even talked about us and the future. Seems like the harder I try to be careful, that's usually when I end up with the worst of the worst. I feel so awful and sad right now. Why can't there just be a plethora of good men out there?

My heart goes out to you. Please take this moment to reflect and hold this for future when your heart can bear it better....he did you a favor. You are FREEE!!!!! Take it a run with it and never allow his failings to make you afraid of love again. You did all you could do. He wasn't ready. But you are free...free to love again. Take care of yourself and cry it all out as much as you need to.

 

[DarkJoy]

ugh. Brighteyes35. Sometimes there are no signs. We can do everything in our power to make sure they pass our Litmus tests and still... there's always something.

The other posters give sound advice.

Join us in the Single Ladies Support thread when you are ready and vent all you like... you are certainly far from alone.

 

[StarScream35]

Thanks ladies. I just wish there was someway to deal with the pain. It hurts and I mean bad. Been trying to keep busy but that feeling is still there. I've talked to friends but it's still there. I just wish it were easier!

 

[ManeStreet]

Thanks ladies. I just wish there was someway to deal with the pain. It hurts and I mean bad. Been trying to keep busy but that feeling is still there. I've talked to friends but it's still there. I just wish it were easier!

Its will sound like a cliche but it takes time. Allow yourself to feel however you feel. Let it flow through you. Its natural to feel hurt but hurt doesnt last forever.

Go to your cellphone calendar & count forward 8 weeks. Make a reminder/event saying "Move on & start over from...".

I bet u two months from now that reminder will pop up & u will chuckle to yourself because first you forgot u even created it & secondly it will reveal that you've actually already moved on.

 

[Kinky4Agirl]

I know this is probably too little too late.. But you have to get mad at the situation he left you in and then it will be easier to bear. If he knew he didn't want a serious relationship, then why did he lead you on for 4 months. Did you sleep with him? If so, then he used you and you should be angry as hell. This is tough love my sista. I am telling you like it is. If a man is not ready to commit, then he shouldn't sleep with his casual dates. Since he probably did, then he is a jerk and not worth your tears. When I was dating, I always knew that if he broke up with me and didn't get my goodies, then I hadn't lost anything. But if I had, the break up was always worse.

 

[Allandra]

(((((hugs)))))

Sorry you're going through this (wish you didn't have to). Time will make it all better. The ladies here have give you some good advice.

 

[Son26]

((((((HUGS))))))) I'm so sorry. Same thing happened to me years ago and it is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I agree with the person who said you are now free ...... free to love again (and find the true love of your life). Hang in there, it hurts soooooo much but it does get better.

 

[PopLife]

I'm sad right now. I was with this guy for 4 months and our chemistry was great. So great that we made it exclusive. This weekend he told me he didn't want to move forward because he wasn't ready to settle down. I was hurt because he led me to believe he wanted to settle down. During our conversation he mentioned he broke up with his prior girlfriend because he wasn't ready to keep it going. I realized I had a commitment phobe on my hand without even realizing it. There were no clues no signs etc. He even talked about us and the future. Seems like the harder I try to be careful, that's usually when I end up with the worst of the worst. I feel so awful and sad right now. Why can't there just be a plethora of good men out there?

More than likely he will be back, a lot of commitment phobes get scared and run when they feel like they are getting in too deep or catching feelings. Don't be surprised if he wants to be "friends" with you or keep in contact. Commitment phobes have issues that go way deeper than just being able to commit to a relationship.

Did you notice him having issues making commitments to other things in his life or not liking responsibility?

 

[beloved1bx]

More than likely he will be back, a lot of commitment phobes get scared and run when they feel like they are getting in too deep or catching feelings. Don't be surprised if he wants to be "friends" with you or keep in contact. Commitment phobes have issues that go way deeper than just being able to commit to a relationship.

Did you notice him having issues making commitments to other things in his life or not liking responsibility?

Omg. Get. Out. Of. My. Head.
I just had a breakup last month. Definite commitment phobe. Always picked fights with me and never wanted to apologize or admit fault for anything. Of course he wants to remain freinds, but for some reason got it in his head we were going to act like we were before. Negative. I don't play that. I keep him at arms length and i can tell it bothers him, but that's just not my problem anymore.

These are his issues, not yours. Even if you had stayed together, he probably would've kept pushing you away. I won't be surprised if he pops up again b/c he realizes how awesome you are. You can just try to keep busy. Start making ur own jewelry, take up knitting infinity scarves for anyone in ur fam, do some early spring cleaning...

Sent from my device at Hogwarts using LHCF

 

[StarScream35]

beloved1bx

Hold up, were we with the same man? LOL. Mine sometimes picked petty fights also and never wanted to apologize. And after he broke up with me had the nerve to want to remain friends and still hang out. It was like he was all happy talking about being friends. And wanted to us to see a movie a week from now. I was hayle naw........who you think you dealing with! I don't roll like that bro. This is it, it's over. You are part of my past and will not be part of my present or future. Then he had the audacity to get upset with me for saying this. What is up with these crazy arse men!!

 

[StarScream35]

More than likely he will be back, a lot of commitment phobes get scared and run when they feel like they are getting in too deep or catching feelings. Don't be surprised if he wants to be "friends" with you or keep in contact. Commitment phobes have issues that go way deeper than just being able to commit to a relationship.

Did you notice him having issues making commitments to other things in his life or not liking responsibility?

PopLife

Now that you posed this question and I sit here and think about it, he was very indecisive with smaller things. Like where to go to eat, what to do when we were together. He was also not happy with his career path. Stuff like that. It didn't phase me at the time because lord knows I can be indecisive but perhaps his was directly linked to his phobia somehow.

 

[StarScream35]

I know this is probably too little too late.. But you have to get mad at the situation he left you in and then it will be easier to bear. If he knew he didn't want a serious relationship, then why did he lead you on for 4 months. Did you sleep with him? If so, then he used you and you should be angry as hell. This is tough love my sista. I am telling you like it is. If a man is not ready to commit, then he shouldn't sleep with his casual dates. Since he probably did, then he is a jerk and not worth your tears. When I was dating, I always knew that if he broke up with me and didn't get my goodies, then I hadn't lost anything. But if I had, the break up was always worse.

Kinky4Agirl

Nothing wrong with tough love homegirl! The only thing was we were never casual daters who got intimate during that stage. He was adamant about being exclusive and was very respectful that I wanted to "wait" and get to know him better. You don't find em like that anymore but nowadays even if I do find them, I will make sure my guard stays up!

 

[PopLife]

@PopLife

Now that you posed this question and I sit here and think about it, he was very indecisive with smaller things. Like where to go to eat, what to do when we were together. He was also not happy with his career path. Stuff like that. It didn't phase me at the time because lord knows I can be indecisive but perhaps his was directly linked to his phobia somehow.

Brighteyes35

It is definitely a possibility. Do you know a lot about his childhood? A lot of commitment phobes have abandonment issues from childhood too, which spills over into adulthood if they never deal with it.

I'm not saying you should get back with him if he trys, but a lot of it probably has nothing to do with you. He could think you are the best thing in the world but if he is afraid of commitment, he is only going to go so far. It is an issue he has to recognize, realize it is negatively affecting his relationships and deal with it...until then he will continue to break hearts.

 

[StarScream35]

@Brighteyes35

It is definitely a possibility. Do you know a lot about his childhood? A lot of commitment phobes have abandonment issues from childhood too, which spills over into adulthood if they never deal with it.

I'm not saying you should get back with him if he trys, but a lot of it probably has nothing to do with you. He could think you are the best thing in the world but if he is afraid of commitment, he is only going to go so far. It is an issue he has to recognize, realize it is negatively affecting his relationships and deal with it...until then he will continue to break hearts.

PopLife

That sounds about right! He had issues with both of his parents yet he never wanted to go into detail about it. I tried to press but he would completely shut it down. Strange thing here...........we were at a fair once and just for fun I let this psychic read me. Right off the top she said "Your boyfriend had some serious serious childhood issues that he needs to address". Upon hearing this I relayed it back to him and all he said was psychics are whack and just make stuff up............erplexed

 

[PopLife]

@PopLife

That sounds about right! He had issues with both of his parents yet he never wanted to go into detail about it. I tried to press but he would completely shut it down. Strange thing here...........we were at a fair once and just for fun I let this psychic read me. Right off the top she said "Your boyfriend had some serious serious childhood issues that he needs to address". Upon hearing this I relayed it back to him and all he said was psychics are whack and just make stuff up............erplexed

Brighteyes35

That's very telling...until he resolves those issues (which it sounds like he hasn't acknowledged yet) he will continue to be emotionally unavailable and hurt people even while having the best intentions.

 

[alive]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. However, I am glad he told you after 4 months instead of 4 years.

Let your emotions out, cry, then heal. You will make it through this.

What she said

 

[beloved1bx]

beloved1bx

Hold up, were we with the same man? LOL. Mine sometimes picked petty fights also and never wanted to apologize. And after he broke up with me had the nerve to want to remain friends and still hang out. It was like he was all happy talking about being friends. And wanted to us to see a movie a week from now. I was hayle naw........who you think you dealing with! I don't roll like that bro. This is it, it's over. You are part of my past and will not be part of my present or future. Then he had the audacity to get upset with me for saying this. What is up with these crazy arse men!!

Haha these two are obviously kindred spirits.

Sent from my device at Hogwarts using LHCF

 

[CurlyMoo]

4 months sounds about right for a commitment phobe. And you are just getting your feet wet when the carpet is swept from underneath you. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've had my run ins and I was a commitment phobe myself.

I think there were signs but when we are so into someone they don't register until it's over.

 

[Fine 4s]

Anywhere from 3-6 months I'd say....