51+ and not together

[CurleeDST]

Ok so I was talking with some family members yesterday and one of them has a friend who is 50 years old. Slightly overweight, cute face, active member of a black sorority - graduate chapter, divorced with a grown daughter who is away in college.

She meets a man in church who is also 50 plus years old, single, never been married, no children, a deacon at the church, and temporarily unemployed. His car is also out of commission for 6 months and he lives in a rooming house.

Fast forward 18 months later. He still lives in the rooming house, his car is fixed but can't be driven out of town, he is working as a custodian (2nd job in 12 months) and he is still with my family member's friend who is active at the same church as he is.

Situation #1:

During the earthquake he went to his girlfriend's house to stay with her. When her electricity went out he left her there and went back to his rooming house. She was left to call all over town looking for someone to stay with.

Situation #2:

They were going out on date night and ultimately come to find out date night was staying home, watching a movie, eating pizza at her house.

Situation #3:

Her daughter can't stand him and he doesn't like her either.

Situation #4:

He says he doesn't want to be married and she claims she wants to be married again.

Overall, my family member and her daughter both think men aren't honest in the beginning of a relationship and it causes situations like these. My husband, nephew and I agree that it isn't that the men lie...they may want to be in a relationship - just not with YOU!

So my family member is trying to figure out how to tell her friend to drop this loser. I told her he must have something going on that we can't see which is why he is still around 18 months later.

What do you all think? Is he a loser simply b/c he may not be as financially secure, stable and driving the nicest whip?

 

[SamandI]

He's a loser because he's selfish and doesn't seem to be doing much with his life at the ripe old age of 50+. 18 months is 18 months too long for this foolishness.

 

[hopeful]

After 18 months she obviously likes him and/or thinks this is the best she can do. I wouldn't bother talking to a 50 year-old woman about her relationship. If there were children involved and I feared for their safety I would say something. But a 50 year-old woman with a college-aged daughter? Nope.

 

[CurleeDST]

What we were trying to figure out is why her friend tolerates him. My family member thinks it is because she is a slightly overweight. I do not view that as an excuse. We all can't be a size 2 and I know too many overweight lovers who get their fair share of attractive men who have it going on.

Now what I did say is, perhaps it is not her weight but her ATTITUDE that she can't do better than what she has is what is causing her to settle for this.

 

[MzLady78]

What do you all think? Is he a loser simply b/c he may not be as financially secure, stable and driving the nicest whip?

No, he's a loser due to situations #1 and #2, especially #1.

I think a big part of the issue is probably her age if she wants to get married again. She probably feels like this might be her last shot and hopes he'll change his mind about not wanting to get married..

 

[calmsensual1]

Situation #4:

He says he doesn't want to be married and she claims she wants to be married again.
What do you all think? Is he a loser simply b/c he may not be as financially secure, stable and driving the nicest whip?

Grand opening- grand closing. I don't see the point in discussing why we think he's a loser. Especially when you've already told us why he is. Just tell her to let him go.

 

[ThickHair]

Now what I did say is, perhaps it is not her weight but her ATTITUDE that she can't do better than what she has is what is causing her to settle for this.

^^^^ Yup, it has nothing to do with weight.

She is 50, I would leave her alone, she likes him and he likes her, their relationship is no one's business. All because everyone else thinks ill of him, doesn't mean she does or should. So far as her grown daughter, she needs to mind her own business also.

Only sticking point for me is that she wants to be married and he doesn't. Her own common sense should be taking her out of this relationship.

 

[CurleeDST]

The reason for the loser question is because my family member tends to base it on what he has or rather what he doesn't have.

She feels he should have been at least engaged once in his 51 plus years.
She feels he should have a reliable card.
She feels he should have a stable enough job.
She feels he should have a much better living situation.

And while that may be true, my family member is having some trouble with at least 3 of the 4 items I listed above. So I wonder if there is a double standard going on.

Grand opening- grand closing. I don't see the point in discussing why we think he's a loser. Especially when you've already told us why he is. Just tell her to let him go.

 

[Browndilocks]

Ok so I was talking with some family members yesterday and one of them has a friend who is 50 years old. Slightly overweight, cute face, active member of a black sorority - graduate chapter, divorced with a grown daughter who is away in college.

She meets a man in church who is also 50 plus years old, single, never been married, no children, a deacon at the church, and temporarily unemployed. His car is also out of commission for 6 months and he lives in a rooming house.

Fast forward 18 months later. He still lives in the rooming house, his car is fixed but can't be driven out of town, he is working as a custodian (2nd job in 12 months) and he is still with my family member's friend who is active at the same church as he is.

Situation #1:

During the earthquake he went to his girlfriend's house to stay with her. When her electricity went out he left her there and went back to his rooming house. She was left to call all over town looking for someone to stay with.

Situation #2:

They were going out on date night and ultimately come to find out date night was staying home, watching a movie, eating pizza at her house.

Situation #3:

Her daughter can't stand him and he doesn't like her either.

Situation #4:

He says he doesn't want to be married and she claims she wants to be married again.

Overall, my family member and her daughter both think men aren't honest in the beginning of a relationship and it causes situations like these. My husband, nephew and I agree that it isn't that the men lie...they may want to be in a relationship - just not with YOU!

So my family member is trying to figure out how to tell her friend to drop this loser. I told her he must have something going on that we can't see which is why he is still around 18 months later.

What do you all think? Is he a loser simply b/c he may not be as financially secure, stable and driving the nicest whip?

Things should have stopped @ the bolded. And what makes him a loser particularly is that at his age, he seems to have never been able to get it together on his own. He can't handle getting it together enough to actually be considerate of another person, obviously.

 

[CurleeDST]

I think if she wants to deal with all the other things that is on her. He is showing her who he is. The moment he bailed on her when she lost electricity (and they are a bonafide committed, couple) - all bets are off.

They also have not spent a holiday together. He goes to see his parents and hasn't taken her with him even though he knows (because she has told him) she would like to spend the holiday time together with him. He says he could not go home to see his parents during the holidays he would be very sad.

 

[Evolving78]

this man doesn't want to have anything to do with her long-term. she is just there when he needs some "attention." she needs to move on. i know it gets harder out here for middle aged women wanting to settle down. a lot of middle aged men don't want to get involved like that again. my mother's friends have the hardest time finding a man. so many of them are divorced and single, but want to be married. they want someone to grow old with. now that their kids are grown and they paid their dues, they want love in their lives, but just cant seem to get that.

that is the main reason why i refused to stay in that hopeless marriage of mine. i didn't want to spend all of my years with someone, paying my dues, just to get divorced 30 years later. i didn't want to start over late in life, because i wasted my time with someone i couldn't grow with.

 

[Mis007]

She needs to listen to when dude says he's not ready for a relationship right now it means he's not ready for (i.e. doesn't want) a relationship with YOU !!!

 

[ArrrBeee]

You lost me when you said he lives in a rooming house. Makes me think of the movie "Lackawanna Blues".

 

[CurleeDST]

What IS a rooming house? A house where you rent a room?

 

[ThickHair]

What IS a rooming house? A house where you rent a room?

Yes.............

 

[topnotch1010]

I agree with shortdub78, she's just available when he wants a little "attention". She might be discouraged at the tough dating scene and thinks this is the best she can do.

It's unfortunate because it's pretty obvious that he's not that into her.

Sent from Topnotch1010's Samsung Galaxy Tablet using LHCF

 

[Ganjababy]

I think this lady probably believes that having half a man is better than having no man at all. She is an adult who chooses to be in that situation. Her life, her choice.

 

[tibb1908]

Wow! You know I've been enough relationships to know by now what doesn't feel good. Even beyond all the obvious reasons that we wouldn't be together i.e. temporarily unemployed. His car is also out of commission for 6 months and he lives in a rooming house.

The one that stands out to me most is "What he wants and what you wants is different" and what kind man leaves you without electricity.