50 First Dates: The World of Dating

[SimpleKomplexity]

This is a spin off from my thread.

When dating, I never know what to do. I don't know where is a neutral place to go, what topics to discuss, or what actually to do. I am appalled that many dudes when they approach me their "first date" is often the proposal to watch movies at their house or mine one evening. I don't think that's appropriate because at my age, many of us have our own apartments or homes and it just screams SEX SEX SEX to me even if that is not the actual case. As I pointed out, books such as The Rules and WMLB point out a few things to say on the first date, but leave big gaps in the overall date. Can you give me as well as others some insight on "dating etiquette" so to speak erplexed


Where are good first date meeting spots?
What times?
What should you be looking for?
How should you carry yourself?
What topics do you typically discuss in the first few dates?
What questions do you ask?
What should you be looking for in this young man?
What should you be wary of?
If the conversations starts steering towards sex, how do you avoid them?
What characteristics should you be looking for to give this guy a chance at a second date?

 

[Bunny77]

This is a spin off from my thread.

When dating, I never know what to do. I don't know where is a neutral place to go, what topics to discuss, or what actually to do. I am appalled that many dudes when they approach me their "first date" is often the proposal to watch movies at their house or mine one evening. I don't think that's appropriate because at my age, many of us have our own apartments or homes and it just screams SEX SEX SEX to me even if that is not the actual case. As I pointed out, books such as The Rules and WMLB point out a few things to say on the first date, but leave big gaps in the overall date. Can you give me as well as others some insight on "dating etiquette" so to speak erplexed


Where are good first date meeting spots?
What times?
What should you be looking for?
How should you carry yourself?
What topics do you typically discuss in the first few dates?
What questions do you ask?
What should you be looking for in this young man?
What should you be wary of?
If the conversations starts steering towards sex, how do you avoid them?
What characteristics should you be looking for to give this guy a chance at a second date?

1. Starbucks, museums, parks (picnics), inexpensive sit-down restaurants like Noodles and Company, etc.

2. Afternoons and early evenings are best.

3. Have FUN! But... look to make sure he is respectful and acts like a gentleman with some hometraining.

4. Carry yourself like a lady, of course!

5. What do you like to do? What are your interests? What are you studying in school? Again, light stuff. Leave out religion and politics and that kinda stuff.

6. I ask him about himself. Kinda like the stuff I mentioned in No. 5.

7. See No. 3

8. Be wary of men who are disrespectful, monopolize the conversation, EXPECT you to pay your way on the first date, talking a whole lot and say nothing, question avoidance. (Like they can't tell you what they do for a living/where they study and where they live.)

9. A gentleman should not be bringing up sex discussions on the first date. I would say, "Sorry, but that's not a line of conversation I wish to pursue. So what else would you like to discuss?" If he keeps pushing it, time to end the date!

10. See my above answers! And HE should be asking you for a second date!

 

[CAPlush]

I don't know what are casual meeting spots in your area, but usually a coffee house if you guys just want to talk. If you decide, at the coffee house that you want to see the movie, then go to a theater. Live theater is WONDERFUL as well. I think talking about the area and your spots are good conversation starters. Most people I know love to talk about their favorite eateries, or if they don't go out they want to talk about cooking and shopping to cook. That is a good way to lead on into a 2nd date because eventually he is going to want to either take you to a nice restaurant or cook for you.

Conversations about movies always worked well for me. They still work well for me in any new/awkward social situation where I just don't know what to say.

Make pop culture references in your conversations, to move it along. If you are dealing with a guy who reads, literary references will impress him. But of course be yourself and refer to things that interest you. Don't be afraid to be perceived as nerdy, it's MUCH worse to be perceived as boring. If you have traveled, talk about that too.

 

[Bunny77]

Great idea about the pop culture references!

My last boyfriend said that I won him over on the first date when I told him that I liked Will Ferrell movies!

 

[hopeful]

Based on your post here I don't think you are ready to date just yet. I think you need to start with learning how to really enjoy your ownself, take yourself out on dates if you will, to the movies, bookstore, out to eat and really enjoy yourself. Read, read, read. Romance novels, self-help, etc. Learn how to have a good friendship, at least one good friendship, preferably with a woman. Get yourself a good mentor. Your mother or father have not talked to you about any of this at all? My mom starting talking to me about dating and what was and wasn't appropriate when I was about 13. If your family can't help can an older lady (maybe a professor or and AKA in grad school) take you under their wing and coach you? I think you need to take yourself out of the dating pool for the next year and grow and mature. Dating when you aren't confident or ready is risky for you physically as well as emotionally.

When you really and truly fall in love with yourself and your own company I think you will more naturally know what you want from a relationship and what you bring to the relationship. You will be much less likely to entertain foolishness.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Great advice, Hopeful.

 

[CAPlush]

Great idea about the pop culture references!

My last boyfriend said that I won him over on the first date when I told him that I liked Will Ferrell movies!

Funny movies, I tell ya! My dh and some couple friends we had over spent a good part of the evening talking about Semi-Pro

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Based on your post here I don't think you are ready to date just yet. I think you need to start with learning how to really enjoy your ownself, take yourself out on dates LOL I just wanted to say that this is lame. HAHA Maybe I was doing it all wrong, but a teacher once pointed out that we should tkae ourselves out and eat lunch alone and see what the psychological effects were. I felt alone, bored, and like a loser going out by myself. I simply think things are more interesting to do if you are in the company with others rather than alone. Solitude is a wonderful thing, but in some cases it is torture. Bt ehy, that being said maybe that is an indiciator that i have a little more learning to do. if you will, to the movies, bookstore, out to eat and really enjoy yourself. Read, read, read. Romance novels, self-help, etc. Learn how to have a good friendship, at least one good friendship, preferably with a woman. Get yourself a good mentor. This is really great advice! Your mother or father have not talked to you about any of this at all? Heck to the no! I think silently they assumed that I would not date, especially my father. My mom starting talking to me about dating and what was and wasn't appropriate when I was about 13. If your family can't help can an older lady (maybe a professor or and AKA in grad school) take you under their wing and coach you? I think you need to take yourself out of the dating pool for the next year and grow and mature. Dating when you aren't confident or ready is risky for you physically as well as emotionally. This is very true. I'm not looking to dating for a little while, but I just wanted to get a heads up because like I've said bfore, I know I am not the only one who really don't know these things such as the appropriate way to date, or maybe I am erplexed.

When you really and truly fall in love with yourself and your own company I think you will more naturally know what you want from a relationship and what you bring to the relationship. You will be much less likely to entertain foolishness.

I loved this whoole post!!

I don't know what are casual meeting spots in your area, but usually a coffee house if you guys just want to talk. If you decide, at the coffee house that you want to see the movie, then go to a theater. Live theater is WONDERFUL as well. I think talking about the area and your spots are good conversation starters. Most people I know love to talk about their favorite eateries, good idea or if they don't go out they want to talk about cooking and shopping to cook. That is a good way to lead on into a 2nd date because eventually he is going to want to either take you to a nice restaurant or cook for you.

Conversations about movies always worked well for me. They still work well for me in any new/awkward social situation where I just don't know what to say.

Make pop culture references in your conversations, to move it along. If you are dealing with a guy who reads, literary references will impress him. But of course be yourself and refer to things that interest you. Don't be afraid to be perceived as nerdy, it's MUCH worse to be perceived as boring. If you have traveled, talk about that too.

This was all on point!! I agree with everything including the bolded.

 

[kayte]

I love Hopeful's posts in general and ITA on her stance on establishng loving
female mentorships as a guide...
this forum,for example has helped me...as has women in my life...offline
but I'm going to offer a different viewpoint on the idea of being out of dating for a year.
while you get to know yourself.

Unless you are recovering from a traumtic breakup which often but not always requires some mandatory introspection and solitude....there's no reason ..especially being young & in college...that you can't go out ..right now..

prime time of your life!!!!

..just because dating is bit of a learning curve is not a reason to
hold off or to learn more about you. Multi-task..lol! you can do both!
Just.....start with what you've got!!
Honestly..there is such a thing as waiting to be so evolved you put off the
goodies that are right there..and beside the one of BEST ways of learning is by DOING ....theories and such go out the window when you are across the table
from the guy ..and have to think on your feet
....that's real theoretical practice and how you learn..and also about you

You're so smart and so smart to ask questions and the fact you brought up boundaries right away..ie: inappropriate stuff...and then asked really straightforward pragmatic questions...not only about male female date dynamics but also logistics..
leads me to believe you are lot more clued in than you think..

you're just ...a lil apprehensive..is all...girl,that's natural.

try your best..to think of dating NOT as romance ..that's the trap
..but ONLY as casual outings where you get to hang with a new +male+ friend.
and then be open to what evolves. one date at a time.
Your only obligation apart from being your sweet self,and having fun
is to learn enough about the guy to see if YOU WANT another date..
where you will learn not only more about him but also learn how you are with him
and how does the time hanging out together make you feel?

the following is a good barometer for me...
does he make you feel comfortable...happy? cared for? does he make you laugh?
appreciate what you say? listens ?

SET UP CASUAL DATING BOUNDARIES IN ADVANCE..
then there's no mystery..you can relax cas you ALREADY know
what your bottom lines are...you're not taken by surpise

I'll share mine

1. I don't get in a car with a new date...
personally I have to know you for like a year..before I do..

2. No dates in apartments mine or his or anyplace where this is a bed.

3. No sex. Period. Reserved for the man I marry.

4. While I definitely will flirt and can be romantic and kiss
I always can change my mind and I can always say..
I am uncomfortable and most men BACK OFF becaue they don't want to scare me

5.I get to choose the location and the time frame
for the first few dates till I feel comfortabLe

6. highly public or famliar locales...w/no locations further from my home than a taxi ride or 30 minute subway ride

7. no last minute dates...

8. He pays
or I quietly decide to myself...it's the last date
...sorry feministas

9. I can leave ANYTIME I choose...
{always have money to either pay for yourself
and/or take a taxi..remember do NOT GO ANYWHERE SO FAR
GETTING HOME IS PROBLEMATIC}

10. I date MANY or more than one..more than two...
so that one dating relationship does not seem like an exclusive by default

Go go go..... my sistah
hot fun in the summertime

 

[kayte]

PS Love the title ...50 first dates

Do it and blog them.....
one first date at time

I see SO MANY Possibilties on ALL levels

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

BUMPIN up for more replies

 

[hopeful]

Hey, I just wanted to reply to what you wrote below (in pink), in response to my post. I don't think anyone wants to be alone all of the time. And all of us get lonely and bored sometime. But I believe it is very important for a woman to enjoy her own company. If you are bored and feel like a loser when you take yourself out, what does that say about how you feel about your own company?

Say it's a Friday night and a guy stands you up, do you stay home and have a pity party or do you still go out? If all of your friends bail on you or want to do something stupid on a Friday night do you stay home and do nothing? There will be times when you will have to be alone so you should learn how to do it well. I'm married and have kids but still on occassion love love going out alone and being good to myself. I enjoy seeing whatever movie I want to see, not having to share the popcorn, going to the stores I like at that mall. Anyway, it's just a thought, and I think it makes you more interesting and attractive and much less needy. Of course I love being with my husband too. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

LOL I just wanted to say that this is lame. HAHA Maybe I was doing it all wrong, but a teacher once pointed out that we should tkae ourselves out and eat lunch alone and see what the psychological effects were. I felt alone, bored, and like a loser going out by myself. I simply think things are more interesting to do if you are in the company with others rather than alone. Solitude is a wonderful thing, but in some cases it is torture. Bt ehy, that being said maybe that is an indiciator that i have a little more learning to do