2016 Relationship And Dating Thread

summertimewine

summertimewine

*sips tea*
Are you in a long term relationship?
Did you just enter into a new relationship?
Are you thinking of dumping that leech of a partner?
If this emoji gives you feels: :2inlove:

Then welcome to the 2016 relationship thread. Post freely about your relationship ups and downs. Ask for advice, give advice, complain, brag: there are no rules.

:)
 
@frogkisses Do you want to be exclusive?
Here I was thinking you weren't into the whole one on one dating thing :) Don't know where I got that from though.

I'm really concern for SO's safety because he's driving to NC right into the storm.
It's his mummy's bday and he just HAS to go. Love the dedication but I'm nervous about safety.
I want to call him to tell him to turn back but I know he'd be sad if he couldn't make it. Torn.
 
Fine 4s said:
@frogkisses Do you want to be exclusive?
Here I was thinking you weren't into the whole one on one dating thing :) Don't know where I got that from though.

I'm really concern for SO's safety because he's driving to NC right into the storm.
It's his mummy's bday and he just HAS to go. Love the dedication but I'm nervous about safety.
I want to call him to tell him to turn back but I know he'd be sad if he couldn't make it. Torn.
Click to expand...
I'm not into being exclusive just for a title. I'm a firm believer that men try and take advantage of women when they show they /want/ something (like a relationship). I haven't been in an exclusive relationship for about 3 years now because of numerous reasons.
Also the hoe life is fun :look:
But I knew one day a man would seriously pursue me, and I happen to be a great place in my life to accept. If it doesn't work out then :( but I don't mind taking a chance on him by being vulnerable.

Did your SO make it safely?
 
@rogkisses

He changed his mind half way down.
I feel sad that his plan didn't work out.
Thanks for checking in!
 
That :2inlove: emoji totally makes me feel some type of way. :computer: I'm slowly but surely recovering from a double heartbreak that basically happened days apart 3 weeks ago. I was very hurt. I'm back on the dating scene though. I have a date in a couple of days with a man I have no interest in and know this won't go anywhere but I figured why not? I need a distraction to get me out of my funk and get me back on the dating scene.
 
caribeandiva said:
That :2inlove: emoji totally makes me feel some type of way. :computer: I'm slowly but surely recovering from a double heartbreak that basically happened days apart 3 weeks ago. I was very hurt. I'm back on the dating scene though. I have a date in a couple of days with a man I have no interest in and know this won't go anywhere but I figured why not? I need a distraction to get me out of my funk and get me back on the dating scene.
Click to expand...
Don't go. Not fair on you or him. I cancelled a date this week and might reschedule when I'm in a more open place.
 
ms-gg said:
I say go. Most dates don't work out anyway so why not go out just to get to know somebody new?
Click to expand...
You make a good point too! :lol: This was my original mentality when I accepted. I know it won't work out with him because he's 15-20 years older than me, is divorced and has kids in their teens and 20s. I'm only in my early twenties! Plus we've only met on Facebook. Zero attraction.
 
Kinda long...


The bf and I have been dating for two years, and I feel like the relationship is slowly moving towards a breakup. So, I was recently diagnosed with PTSD after coming to terms with the fact that I was sexually abused for a period of 9 years. The BF has knowledge of this and has been supportive of my healing and recovery. Due to how controlled my life was during the years of being abused there are certain areas in my social/emotional/mental development that needs "rewiring" (i.e. trust, sharing how I feel, speaking up for myself, settling for things/people that aren't good for me, etc.). I'm introverted and BF is very extroverted and this on top of my PTSD causes a lot of issues for us.

I've been in therapy, the BF has come with to get educated on childhood trauma victims, PTSD and what that means in terms of our relationship. I recently moved out of state and the BF decided to move too bc he felt a ld relationship would be too difficult for us since I have trouble with communication.

Moving to a new state and not knowing anyone has really amplified our problems since we are now around each other 24/7 with no close friends for an outlet. I find that I when we're at home I tend to shut down because of triggers, moods or nothing at all. We sometimes go days and only say a few words to each other. I end up feeling guilty because I feel that I'm either being selfish or not considering what he needs from me. He tells me that he just wants me to concentrate on healing and doesn't want me to think about what he needs, bc what I need is what matters. Even still, unconsciously he's no longer being affectionate with me. No kisses, hugs, sweet nothings, coloring unless I initiate it. And even when I do he acts like I'm bothering him.

He says that when I'm engaging he sort of gets "incentive" to be affectionate with me and when I'm not he doesn't feel like it. He's trying to learn to do those things even when there's no "encouragement" to do so. I told him I felt he was inadvertently punishing me for things that I am not always able to control.

I've told him I don't think this is gonna work out because 1. We are so different in terms of introvert/extrovert and 2. I'm simultaneously trying to heal from my past and regain my identity while maintaining a relationship. So I feel like what I'm dealing with is kind of sabotaging us. The BF doesn't want to break up over some emotional decision, he wants us to work through this.

I go back and forth because a part of me feels like I'm not relationship material and just am better off alone and not having to carry the responsibility of another person. But then I think about how he's been encouraging and supportive in my recovery. He's thoughtful and only wants the best for me so the other part feels like he's willing to go through the hardest times with me so I should just hold on until we get to smoother roads.

He also has told me on several occasions that if he or I realize that he's hurting me (in terms of recovery) that he will remove himself because ultimately he wants my best.

Today we're snowed in and we're not even talking. We live together now, but are planning to get separate apartments at the end of the year since living together is just not working. I believe the next step will be a breakup. I feel like a burden, he says I'm not but that's what I feel.
 
.:Eden:. said:
Kinda long...


The bf and I have been dating for two years, and I feel like the relationship is slowly moving towards a breakup. So, I was recently diagnosed with PTSD after coming to terms with the fact that I was sexually abused for a period of 9 years. The BF has knowledge of this and has been supportive of my healing and recovery. Due to how controlled my life was during the years of being abused there are certain areas in my social/emotional/mental development that needs "rewiring" (i.e. trust, sharing how I feel, speaking up for myself, settling for things/people that aren't good for me, etc.). I'm introverted and BF is very extroverted and this on top of my PTSD causes a lot of issues for us.

I've been in therapy, the BF has come with to get educated on childhood trauma victims, PTSD and what that means in terms of our relationship. I recently moved out of state and the BF decided to move too bc he felt a ld relationship would be too difficult for us since I have trouble with communication.

Moving to a new state and not knowing anyone has really amplified our problems since we are now around each other 24/7 with no close friends for an outlet. I find that I when we're at home I tend to shut down because of triggers, moods or nothing at all. We sometimes go days and only say a few words to each other. I end up feeling guilty because I feel that I'm either being selfish or not considering what he needs from me. He tells me that he just wants me to concentrate on healing and doesn't want me to think about what he needs, bc what I need is what matters. Even still, unconsciously he's no longer being affectionate with me. No kisses, hugs, sweet nothings, coloring unless I initiate it. And even when I do he acts like I'm bothering him.

He says that when I'm engaging he sort of gets "incentive" to be affectionate with me and when I'm not he doesn't feel like it. He's trying to learn to do those things even when there's no "encouragement" to do so. I told him I felt he was inadvertently punishing me for things that I am not always able to control.

I've told him I don't think this is gonna work out because 1. We are so different in terms of introvert/extrovert and 2. I'm simultaneously trying to heal from my past and regain my identity while maintaining a relationship. So I feel like what I'm dealing with is kind of sabotaging us. The BF doesn't want to break up over some emotional decision, he wants us to work through this.

I go back and forth because a part of me feels like I'm not relationship material and just am better off alone and not having to carry the responsibility of another person. But then I think about how he's been encouraging and supportive in my recovery. He's thoughtful and only wants the best for me so the other part feels like he's willing to go through the hardest times with me so I should just hold on until we get to smoother roads.

He also has told me on several occasions that if he or I realize that he's hurting me (in terms of recovery) that he will remove himself because ultimately he wants my best.

Today we're snowed in and we're not even talking. We live together now, but are planning to get separate apartments at the end of the year since living together is just not working. I believe the next step will be a breakup. I feel like a burden, he says I'm not but that's what I feel.
Click to expand...
Try to make friends and try to found a hobby. When get upset work your hobby til you feel better. This help me when I was recovery from a abuse too.
 
.:Eden:. said:
Kinda long...


The bf and I have been dating for two years, and I feel like the relationship is slowly moving towards a breakup. So, I was recently diagnosed with PTSD after coming to terms with the fact that I was sexually abused for a period of 9 years. The BF has knowledge of this and has been supportive of my healing and recovery. Due to how controlled my life was during the years of being abused there are certain areas in my social/emotional/mental development that needs "rewiring" (i.e. trust, sharing how I feel, speaking up for myself, settling for things/people that aren't good for me, etc.). I'm introverted and BF is very extroverted and this on top of my PTSD causes a lot of issues for us.

I've been in therapy, the BF has come with to get educated on childhood trauma victims, PTSD and what that means in terms of our relationship. I recently moved out of state and the BF decided to move too bc he felt a ld relationship would be too difficult for us since I have trouble with communication.

Moving to a new state and not knowing anyone has really amplified our problems since we are now around each other 24/7 with no close friends for an outlet. I find that I when we're at home I tend to shut down because of triggers, moods or nothing at all. We sometimes go days and only say a few words to each other. I end up feeling guilty because I feel that I'm either being selfish or not considering what he needs from me. He tells me that he just wants me to concentrate on healing and doesn't want me to think about what he needs, bc what I need is what matters. Even still, unconsciously he's no longer being affectionate with me. No kisses, hugs, sweet nothings, coloring unless I initiate it. And even when I do he acts like I'm bothering him.

He says that when I'm engaging he sort of gets "incentive" to be affectionate with me and when I'm not he doesn't feel like it. He's trying to learn to do those things even when there's no "encouragement" to do so. I told him I felt he was inadvertently punishing me for things that I am not always able to control.

I've told him I don't think this is gonna work out because 1. We are so different in terms of introvert/extrovert and 2. I'm simultaneously trying to heal from my past and regain my identity while maintaining a relationship. So I feel like what I'm dealing with is kind of sabotaging us. The BF doesn't want to break up over some emotional decision, he wants us to work through this.

I go back and forth because a part of me feels like I'm not relationship material and just am better off alone and not having to carry the responsibility of another person. But then I think about how he's been encouraging and supportive in my recovery. He's thoughtful and only wants the best for me so the other part feels like he's willing to go through the hardest times with me so I should just hold on until we get to smoother roads.

He also has told me on several occasions that if he or I realize that he's hurting me (in terms of recovery) that he will remove himself because ultimately he wants my best.

Today we're snowed in and we're not even talking. We live together now, but are planning to get separate apartments at the end of the year since living together is just not working. I believe the next step will be a breakup. I feel like a burden, he says I'm not but that's what I feel.
Click to expand...
This is such a hard situation and I'm hesitant to give any advice because I haven't experienced most of what you're experiencing. All I can say is that this man has stayed with you for this long, even agreed to move and live with you. I don't even know a lot of family/friends that would show that amount of dedication.
 
frogkisses said:
This is such a hard situation and I'm hesitant to give any advice because I haven't experienced most of what you're experiencing. All I can say is that this man has stayed with you for this long, even agreed to move and live with you. I don't even know a lot of family/friends that would show that amount of dedication.
Click to expand...

I know, and that's what makes it so hard to move forward. He's dedicated to me, but I can see in his face how exhausting this...I am. He deserves better and I can't help but feel solely responsible. I'm trying to use every opportunity to not fall back into familiar patterns or negative thinking, but it just doesn't always work out that way. I get stuck, can't communicate what I'm dealing with and then I shut him out. It's just an endless cycle of feeling guilty.
 
.:Eden:. said:
I know, and that's what makes it so hard to move forward. He's dedicated to me, but I can see in his face how exhausting this...I am. He deserves better and I can't help but feel solely responsible. I'm trying to use every opportunity to not fall back into familiar patterns or negative thinking, but it just doesn't always work out that way. I get stuck, can't communicate what I'm dealing with and then I shut him out. It's just an endless cycle of feeling guilty.
Click to expand...
I think it's important to understand that he can make his own choices as well. You shouldn't make the choice for him. You two should discuss that you feel like you're holding him back, and it's his choice how he feels.
Now if you feel like he might be prohibiting your recovery then it might be the best idea to breakup.
But to me it sounds like a support system. He's going to be there no matter what state you're in.
 
@.:Eden:.
Do you love him?
Have you been in a relationship with anyone else before him? I'm asking because I'm assuming the abuse stopped a while ago? If so, how have you managed for all these years? How were your relationships?
He's moved with you without you even asking. Take his word, he's ok and fine with the relationship. But if you feel like you want more from him, intimacy wise, you need to ask for it or at least speak on it. This is also part of your healing...speaking up. Going days without speaking especially if it's not you're usual pattern (I know couples who are fine functioning like this) sounds like living with a roommate to me. A major relationship killer. Don't hide behind your diagnosis. Part of healing is pushing through and perhaps you can do more pushing. What you shared with us, you can share with him.
I wouldn't throw him away just yet. Have a convo for relationship expectations once you all move out.

Why do you think it would be a break up? What else is going on?

Every and anyone is worthy of love so stop it right there young lady. It may be that you're not ready to open up and share your heart but you are still worthy and deserving! You should find an inspirational quote or saying around worthiness and repeat it every morning to reprogram your subconscious. Again, this is part of the work you have to do. Sitting in a shrinks office is not enough, you have to do your exercises/homework too.

Keep working at it, reclaim your happiness.

ITA with what the other ladies have said.
 
Last edited:
@Fine 4s
@frogkisses
I do love him, very much.

I walked away from the abuse a little over 2 years ago (it started at 13ish ended at 23). I met my BF during the tail end of me letting go. We were friends during the time I was ending it, but he was not aware of the depth of the situation. All he knew was that I wanted to leave. For the sake of context, my abuse/abuser was church related so the BF only knew of my desire to leave the church and not the sexual abuse that was occurring while I was apart of it. The physical part of it ended maybe 6 months before I met my BF, but I was still attending said church bc I didn't know how to walk away at the time.

I've sat and talked with him word for word, date by date about when it all started, what happened during those years, how it progressed and how it has affected me.

We had a talk about me needing that physical affirmation, and I told him it's not even about sex, affection is my love language. He says he's working on doing better, but when I don't engage with him enough he doesn't feel like giving back to me in that way. So I end up feeling like its my fault that he's not affectionate, because I'm causing him to not want to do so.

I don't feel like I'm hiding. I've only been in therapy for 6 months. I just recently admitted this past summer to friends and family that I was abused. I didn't tell my BF about it until maybe last spring. These behaviors I've developed are due to me not having a voice and being controlled all those years. I've done a lot of work to combat that, and it did involve going to the police and telling my story. Even still, I get stuck and it's hard to come out. I know healing doesn't happen overnight and it's in these moments that I feel he would have less frustrations if we weren't together.

There's really nothing else that's going on to explain. He doesn't cheat, isn't violent, verbally abusive. The focal point behind most of the struggles in our relationship centers around how my abuse has affected me, my thinking, my behaviors and how that in turn makes it difficult for me to engage with him, share with him, talk to him, be confident in myself and my voice. It always comes back to this point.

I've been in the gym to 4-5x a week and eating better, which has helped a little. We're tight on finances so we can't go out much unless we find free events. We've done meetup.com a few times, but not much there. I don't feel like I'm going backwards, I know that I've made strides. My therapist is great and I do my own reading and research. Sometimes I just feel like I'm walking through tar.
 
@.:Eden:.

((((HUGS)))))
And how courageous of you to speak up.
My assumption was that you were much older and that the abuse started and stopped years ago.
The love language issue is a struggle for several folks around here. When two people have different love languages, it takes time to get it right. I'm still adjusting.
You've done great work so far. I have no more to add other than to encourage you to keep fighting.
I feel like this post should have been a new thread for more support.
Again, ((HUGS))
 
@.:Eden:. it really is a tough situation to be in. As an abuse survivor myself, I can relate. You and your bf obviously love each other very much. From what I've read, it seems you started dating your bf soon after the abuse ended. You didn't really have a lot of time by yourself to just reflect, heal, rest and just be free. You went from one tough situation to a good one with no down time in between. I think it might be what you're mourning right now (along with everything else you've lost because of the abuse).

I'm not saying you should break up with him. Only you can decide that. I'll say this though. It's REALLY hard to heal when you have all of these things to juggle. I know when I finally started healing from my abuse I "shut down " emotionally. I stopped dating completely for 3 years (I didn't have a bf though). It was supposed to be 6 months but I loved it so much that I extended it. :lol: I needed that time to be by myself, to have complete freedom, to have no one to answer to or expecting anything from me. I had complete control of my life and I loved it! You might need that too. Only you can decide that though.
 
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