"Nice hair for a black girl"

[DayStar]

something Funny
Now My hubby and I have been together for 7 years. So I known his family that long. Why is it every single time I see his aunt which is at any family gathering or event she goes..

Her: Your hair is really pretty

Me---thank U

Her: U sure thats all yours?

Me---umm yes I'm sure

Her(getting louder) all that is yours?

Me---uh yes

Her(very loud entire room can hear)Wow that looks like a weave, U sure?

Me---(entire room staring at me now) umm yes its my hair

Her: Lawdy Lawd Lawd!!

Me--- (while everyone studies my hair)

Hubby comes over near us

Her(she asks him right in front of me)--Is that all her hair?

Him: Yea I told u b4 now stop asking me

This same conversation(episode) happens every single time I see her

-----------------DEAD---------------------------

 

[lexi08]

Here comes another unpopular post.... Not meant to offend.... but to offer a different perspective....

It seems like these kinds of posts seem to serve as backhanded shout-outs for a person's own hair.... It's like a person is never satisfied...either somebody is hating on the hair or challenging the person's ethnicity, racial consciousness or pride, etc., or when someone asks "is that a weave", that's an offensive question. If it's not ok to ask about the hair, there's a VERY EASY way to do this: when someone asks about your hair, then just say "I don't discuss my hair" and move on. That will shut the convo down real quick and folks with get the message to stay out of your hair business.

I guess what I'm saying or asking is what's the point? Are you looking for sympathy or fellowship or affirmation that your hair is ok as is? It's like for some (not all), people want the attention on their hair but when they get it, they fake all out and act all bothered by it. It's quite circular.

OP, I'm not speaking to you personally; I'm using it in the general form....

I agree with your whole post

 

[sonce]

but i think sometimes ladies are being a little mellowdramatic when they post and are like 'like oh my gawd..this lady asked me if my hair was a weave...i'm so totally upset' Or 'some lady wanted to touch my hair...how dare she'!! I mean come on..was it really that bad?

I've never felt the need to create a thread on any forum about these things, but I'm pretty surprised you don't believe people can be genuinely offended by these things. I find it VERY offensive when people ask if my hair is a weave because that question almost always has a racial component to it (people of all races think black women, especially dark-skinned ones like me, cannot grow nice, healthy hair, and they count it as a flaw in our genetic make-up). I am not flattered at all, I will hold a grudge over it, and I will not give a nice answer. I find it VERY, VERY offensive when people try to touch my hair. My head is the center of my energy and a very sacred, delicate place to me. To me, grabbing my hair is like grabbing my boobs--my closest friends, closest relatives, and significant other can do it playfully (and I'll mentally cringe with everyone except my significant other), but someone else is liable to get knocked the **** out (not even kidding). I don't even like people touching my face.

 

[sonce]

A few people have suggested educating the general public about bw hair and hair care. My question is this: at some point, don't you get tired of teaching?

It's frustrating to me, because it's not like anyone ever explained to me about white folks and their hair. Also, at some point, shouldn't you have had enough contact with black people to dispell your myths?

I totally agree with you. I don't waste my time trying to teach white people anything. They can learn by watching me and being around me, just as I learned by watching them and being around them. I've never stopped a white person and asked them to explain to me how their azzes can be so flat that their thongs are baggy, so I refuse to answer insulting questions about black people's hair, African culture etc. The only white people I am patient with are significant others, and the only way someone becomes a significant other of mine is by knowing not to ask stupid questions and understanding black people on a human level.

 

[Bubblingbrownshuga]

I totally agree with you. I don't waste my time trying to teach white people anything. They can learn by watching me and being around me, just as I learned by watching them and being around them. I've never stopped a white person and asked them to explain to me how their azzes can be so flat that their thongs are baggy, so I refuse to answer insulting questions about black people's hair, African culture etc. The only white people I am patient with are significant others, and the only way someone becomes a significant other of mine is by knowing not to ask stupid questions and understanding black people on a human level.

They have been asking about you 'ova there.' You are missed!

 

[DayStar]

I totally agree with you. I don't waste my time trying to teach white people anything. They can learn by watching me and being around me, just as I learned by watching them and being around them. I've never stopped a white person and asked them to explain to me how their azzes can be so flat that their thongs are baggy, so I refuse to answer insulting questions about black people's hair, African culture etc. The only white people I am patient with are significant others, and the only way someone becomes a significant other of mine is by knowing not to ask stupid questions and understanding black people on a human level.

are u tryna kill me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[sonce]

They have been asking about you 'ova there.' You are missed!

Awww thanks. I still have an active username ova there, it's just that I'm not moved to go there anymore. Virtually all of the veterans I loved debating with have left, the hair advice is waaay better over here, and the topics over here are actually new to me. Is ova there still under martial law (heavy censorship) and heavy pressure to DONATEYOUR$$$$$TOTHECOLLECTIVENOWORJESUSWONTLOVEYOU!!! ? (Of course it is ).

 

[sonce]

are u tryna kill me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now you know I aint lying.

 

[STLCoverGirl]

I totally agree with you. I don't waste my time trying to teach white people anything. They can learn by watching me and being around me, just as I learned by watching them and being around them. I've never stopped a white person and asked them to explain to me how their azzes can be so flat that their thongs are baggy, so I refuse to answer insulting questions about black people's hair, African culture etc. The only white people I am patient with are significant others, and the only way someone becomes a significant other of mine is by knowing not to ask stupid questions and understanding black people on a human level.

Lol, that's hilarious.

 

[pistachio]

I understand, but it's just that the original post was about someone making a very ignorant comment regarding someone having nice hair for a black girl. If I made a thread like this then I wouldn't really want the topic to get "out of hand and off topic." I understand with people disagreeing with a thread and posting their opinions, but pretty soon, those opinions become full-fledged discussions that weren't intended with the topic at hand. That's all I meant when I said that no one has to post if they feel that I'm only looking for affirmation, because those comments usually lead to other discussions, which will get heated, and then the thread will get shut down....that's all. No hard feelings.

ITA 100%!!! And you just shut it down with that comment!!!!

 

[pistachio]

BTW, reply as follows the next time you are bothered by this...

"Thanks so much . You have fabulous skin for a white girl - not a crack in sight."

It will definitely make them ponder...

I fell out of my chair laughing at that!!!!

 

[pistachio]

A few people have suggested educating the general public about bw hair and hair care. My question is this: at some point, don't you get tired of teaching?

For my entire schooling, I've gone to schools that are mainly white as in, often times, I'm the only MINORITY period (asian, black, hispanic, etc.) in the entire class or grade. I feel like I've had to explain my hair to everyone. As a child, I had to explain my hair which I can understand (the sophisticated answer of a second grader: "Why doesn't your hair blow when you run?" "Because I'm more special than you are." )...but I had to do explaining even in college.

It's frustrating to me, because it's not like anyone ever explained to me about white folks and their hair. Also, at some point, shouldn't you have had enough contact with black people to dispell your myths?

I also recall a time in high school. A bunch of girls were talking about how black people don't swim and how you'll never see blacks at a swimming pool. The majority of the girls said it was because black people are afraid of water. Only 2 said something along the lines of black people don't swim as much because it messes up 'our hair' it's expensive and time consuming to deal with the hair afterwards, not because blacks are scared or afraid of water. Good for the two girls, but the others -- are they even worth educating?

EXACTLY. Why should I spend the rest of my life educating you when you chose to be ignorant for the first part of yours???

 

[tthreat08]

Yeah, once some years ago I was conducting benchtop research in a biochemistry lab. We had international researchers and such. Well there was this one chick from South Africa (vanilla not chocolate) who I was asked to train on some assays. So, I'm working with her and everything. Now the lab was connected to a University if which I was a graduate student at the time (as was she). She committed to fouls by asking these two questions:

1. Did you ave to take take the TOEFL (TEST OF ENGLISH AS A FIRST LANGUAGE) exam to get into this University beacuse of the whole ebonics thing?

WTF????? Last I checked I was AMERICAN.

2. Why is your hair so nice while all the other Black GIRLS have chewed off hair?

WTH WTF!!!

This was my response:

"Well, of course I didn't have to take the TOEFL exam because this is my country and I am a native English speaker. However, my hair is nice just the same as some white women have long voluminous hair while others have short and stringy hair like YOURS"

Shut her a@@ right up! I still get heated when I think of her nonchalant ignorant comments.

 

[aloof one]

Let me put my two cents in,...
I agree, on the bolded.

Here comes another unpopular post.... Not meant to offend.... but to offer a different perspective....

It seems like these kinds of posts seem to serve as backhanded shout-outs for a person's own hair.... It's like a person is never satisfied...either somebody is hating on the hair or challenging the person's ethnicity, racial consciousness or pride, etc., or when someone asks "is that a weave", that's an offensive question. If it's not ok to ask about the hair, there's a VERY EASY way to do this: when someone asks about your hair, then just say "I don't discuss my hair" and move on. That will shut the convo down real quick and folks with get the message to stay out of your hair business.

I guess what I'm saying or asking is what's the point? Are you looking for sympathy or fellowship or affirmation that your hair is ok as is? It's like for some (not all), people want the attention on their hair but when they get it, they fake all out and act all bothered by it. It's quite circular.

OP, I'm not speaking to you personally; I'm using it in the general form....

ETA: Oh forgot to paste the rest, I typed in Word bc the box mesed up see below:

BUT, I do hate when white folks and others dont act right. And I know the OP wasn't fishing for compliments either. I think some white people feel like theyre making our day when they tell us they think we have come close to what THEY think is beautiful...

I had a cadet tell me he didn't normally think about black girls that way but I was looking sexy (when I had dressed up to go clubbin and had my hair straightened and pulled back). He gave me a once over, a twice over, and stopped at my hair then went back to my chest talking about how good I looked, but acted like I was supposed to feel complimented. Like white girls can even compete with this. What he should have said was, "Man, I wish I had a chance with that, but I don't so I have to take what I can get- white girls."

 

[Connie]

Let me put my two cents in,...

I had a cadet tell me he didn't normally think about black girls that way but I was looking sexy (when I had dressed up to go clubbin and had my hair straightened and pulled back). He gave me a once over, a twice over, and stopped at my hair then went back to my chest talking about how good I looked, but acted like I was supposed to feel complimented. Like white girls can even compete with this. What he should have said was, "Man, I wish I had a chance with that, but I don't so I have to take what I can get- white girls."

Now, it might have been a genuine compliment if he hadn't started with the 'I don't normally think about black girls that way' statement. WTF does he mean by NORMALLY? Like it's abnormal that a man of another race actually finds a black woman attractive. Were you supposed to feel special because he 'normally' thinks of white girls 'that' way, but for once he realized beauty comes in all shades? You were right to let his compliment go in one ear and out the other.

 

[PanamasOwn]

just as much as people have misconceptions about black people, they do so about every other race. I hate to say this, but honestly most of the racist (towards me) people have been black people. and growing up for people to tell you that your daddy isnt your daddy because he is waaayyyy to dark and you came out wwaaayyy to light can mess you up as a little kid.

I dont think that it's just white folks, or indians or whatever. It simply a misconstrued ideal that other races have about your race because either a) they were not exposed to it b) they CHOOSE not to learn... education is SOOOO important people.. there are PLENTY of white folks out there that dont know a damn thing about a black, indian or hispanics girl hair so when they ask a truthful question or make a statement, it should be realized that they are asking a question, obviously, because they don't know. Same thing about a black girl asking something to white person... everything is about culture and understanding.

You can't expect someone who hasnt walked your past or present to sincerly know that somethings "are touchy" ground and shouldnt be treaded around you. People can ONLY make assumptions of their surroundings. and if their surroundings consist of women with chewed up, brittle, no shine, see-through ends of heads and they just happen to ALL be black, what do you expect? A black girl comes out with hair down to her ass with a shine that could blind you, and swang that will knock someone off their seat; OF COURSE YOU STAND OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB!

I say all that to say this... its not a race thing, its a culture thing. People are only as informed as they allow themselves to be OR their surroundings educate them to see.

THIS WAS IN NO WAY GEARED TOWARDS ANYONE..SIMPLY ADDING MY THOUGHTS TO A THRIVING THREAD

 

[Diya]

... its not a race thing, its a culture thing. People are only as informed as they allow themselves to be OR their surroundings educate them to see.

This is an excellent point and I totally agree. It's really easy for us as black women to take offense at other people's genuine ignorance... and sometimes rightfully so, because it stings.

I go to school with mostly asian, indian and white people and I love being surrounded by such diversity. I'm sure one of these days someone will make a borderline offensive comment (albeit with complimentary intentions), and I just hope that if it does happen, I will be able to handle the situation with class and integrity and show to them that not only can black women have to die for hair, but we're not everything else you heard about! I love proving stereotypes wrong.

 

[csmoot]

Notwithstanding the whole discussion about black woman and our ability to have nice hair, some people do make the most ignorant comments and some of them clearly have a racial undertone. As a black person, especially a black woman, and you have continually been in situations in which you are one of the few or the only one at school or the workplace you get to a point where you know the difference when someone is giving you a compliment or asking a stupid question out of their own ignorance or whether they are trying to give you a backass compliment and they harbor some stupid negative stereotype about black women in general. And its NOT a defense to say that black people do the same thing. I am sorry, but when a black person does the similar thing its not based in some foundation that black women are lacking in some sense. (Although some people would say that is true when a black man makes a stupid comment but that is for another thread and I am not going there.)

So yes, I have had white people ask stupid questions or say something stupid about my hair. And I know when its just based on "just dont know any better" or when its really just another extension of their bigoted ideal that black women (or black people in general for that matter) are less than. Its the latter that I absolutely do not put up with and nip in the bud QUICKLY. And yes, this can be done in an appropriate manner and without encouraging other negative streotypes about black women.

 

[chichibean]

just as much as people have misconceptions about black people, they do so about every other race. I hate to say this, but honestly most of the racist (towards me) people have been black people. and growing up for people to tell you that your daddy isnt your daddy because he is waaayyyy to dark and you came out wwaaayyy to light can mess you up as a little kid.

I dont think that it's just white folks, or indians or whatever. It simply a misconstrued ideal that other races have about your race because either a) they were not exposed to it b) they CHOOSE not to learn... education is SOOOO important people.. there are PLENTY of white folks out there that dont know a damn thing about a black, indian or hispanics girl hair so when they ask a truthful question or make a statement, it should be realized that they are asking a question, obviously, because they don't know. Same thing about a black girl asking something to white person... everything is about culture and understanding.

You can't expect someone who hasnt walked your past or present to sincerly know that somethings "are touchy" ground and shouldnt be treaded around you. People can ONLY make assumptions of their surroundings. and if their surroundings consist of women with chewed up, brittle, no shine, see-through ends of heads and they just happen to ALL be black, what do you expect? A black girl comes out with hair down to her ass with a shine that could blind you, and swang that will knock someone off their seat; OF COURSE YOU STAND OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB!

I say all that to say this... its not a race thing, its a culture thing. People are only as informed as they allow themselves to be OR their surroundings educate them to see.

THIS WAS IN NO WAY GEARED TOWARDS ANYONE..SIMPLY ADDING MY THOUGHTS TO A THRIVING THREAD

ITA. Education is very important. It can be very annoying to hear ignorant comments made like "nice hair for a black girl" from white people but how can you really be mad at them when many black people make similar comments about other black people.
Until we as a group stop using terms like "good hair" "bad hair" and "*igger hair", how can we expect others to see the diversity that exists and the beauty in that, if we don't lead by example.
That's what makes LHCF a great place to come. We do celebrate the diversity and beauty that exists within our race... and hopefully when we all leave here and go out IRL, we share that love and beauty with others (black and white).

 

[curlycraze]

I agree, that was an ignorant comment.

 

[Social.Buttahfly]

Totally agree, how is her statement not offensiveerplexed so it is perfectly okay to say to someone "oh wow you speak well for a foreigner", come on people, how you react to something is key but let's not sit here and act like those are okay statements to say to someone.

ITA. I don't have a problem with the OP being offended even though she clearly states that she was not.

I do believe generalizing black people through a less than complimentary perception (i.e. that most don't have nice hair and this girl was an exception to the rule) IS offensive to us collectively.

I would not have taken it as a compliment because I would have taken it as, you offend my sister, you offend me, kind of attitude. You can KEEP your compliment about my hair if you are going to undercut the beauty of my demographic in the process.

I'm not interested in a compliment on my hair from someone who thinks so little of BW's hair as a rule. And, that has absolutely NOTHING to do with seeking out attention on LHCF.

So, if someone is stating that here, I often wonder why anyone would assume the position of psychoanalyst and try to uncover some ulterior motive for someone wanting "attention" when they mention they were offended. Why go that deep? With all due respect, THIS is where we come to discuss our hair, our hair issues and our hair journey with others of like minds. All sorts of topics can and will come up under that umbrella. Why do we feel the need to reign in people's expression all the time?

 

[secretdiamond]

I would have been offended & not known what to say, but I realized I did the same thing this week. There was white patient who was 51 but looked 30. She had amazingly glowing skin & as slim & fit as a model-- she was gorgeous. I didn't realize her age until after I looked at her chart a few min. later. I thought to myself, WOW she looks amazing for her age----- esp. since she's white. erplexed

I didn't think anything of it & kept it moving. I guess my thought was like the co-worker's statement.

 

[mzhotniz86]

pretty much. i had an italian girl i worked with say to me "you're the first black girl i've seen with normal hair". she obviously couldnt tell that it was a weave. most of the relaxed heads i see are pretty jacked up and i know its not just me that has eyes to see it. thats why im hiding out until 2007. dont wanna add to the statistics! lol


this weekend i got told by another girl that theres not many people with dark skin as good looking as me. she really thought she was complimenting me.

me: i met a guy once that didnt believe me that i was born in _____.
her: oh, well theres not many people with dark skin who are as pretty as you so thats probably why he didnt believe you.

I've heard this quite a few times or something like " she is one of the cutest/prettiest dark skinned girls bla bla" why cant we just be PRETTY? why does it have to be that we are cute to be dark skinned? wtf? its a backhanded compliment. its offensive to every other dark woman as well. theres no telling how many people really think like this, and thats what makes it so sad.

 

[hrtbndr21]

Yes, in some part just plain ignorance about our hair is involved. But on another level what gives them the right to be rude/blunt in asking/commenting on our hair. I would never say to a white person "Wow you got a tan now you're not all white and pastey you look normal now." Or an asian person "Hey I like the way you lined your eyes it makes them look so round, you should do it all the time."

The questions and comments I've gotten over the years are blunt and down right rude. Like we're some other splinter species or not human. Is it really such a mystery. I don't go around asking white people why their hair was brown yesterday and blond today. Uh-duh... do they walk through the world with their eyes closed?

 

[StLucianSweetie]

I would have been offended & not known what to say, but I realized I did the same thing this week. There was white patient who was 51 but looked 30. She had amazingly glowing skin & as slim & fit as a model-- she was gorgeous. I didn't realize her age until after I looked at her chart a few min. later. I thought to myself, WOW she looks amazing for her age----- esp. since she's white. erplexed

I didn't think anything of it & kept it moving. I guess my thought was like the co-worker's statement.

but....the point is this is that you thought it to yourself, and did not just blurt it out without thinking.

 

[seeminglysweet]

Yes, in some part just plain ignorance about our hair is involved. But on another level what gives them the right to be rude/blunt in asking/commenting on our hair. I would never say to a white person "Wow you got a tan now you're not all white and pastey you look normal now." Or an asian person "Hey I like the way you lined your eyes it makes them look so round, you should do it all the time."

The questions and comments I've gotten over the years are blunt and down right rude. Like we're some other splinter species or not human. Is it really such a mystery. I don't go around asking white people why their hair was brown yesterday and blond today. Uh-duh... do they walk through the world with their eyes closed?

She is a rude and blunt type of person but never about anything with any relevance.

For example, she will come out and say "I have a boil on my vagina" or "I think there is a condom stuck inside of me" or "your boobs look huge in that sweater." (in the middle of a conference call with a client).

But when I ask her how my performance is on the job she would be too afraid to speak up and tell me.

I have moved on to a different company but I still see her and she is hands down the most manipulative and naive person I have ever met - which is a dangerous combination.

 

[ChocolateSoda]

Hi all. I've been lurking on this site for a while and this is my very first post. I would love to put my 2cents in:

I've always been offended when people would say I had "good hair". To me nothing was good about it. Yes it looked curly, but I have fine, fragile, limp, dirty brown looking hair. If you look at it wrong it breaks. I always thought "what's good about it?" As kids my cousin had the blackest, thickest, strongest "nappy" hair and she would have the prettiest afro puffs I have ever seen. I used to cry 'cause my puffs would hang limp. To me, Her hair was the epitamy of beautiful black hair. To me she had the "good hair". She could use a super-de-douper perm and keep steppin'. Everything broke my hair and I would have to get it cut short and kids would laugh at me. I hated it.

And why should I have to be the one to "school" people? Not my job. I usually just ignore folks for the most part. I realize now that my hair is beautiful too, I just had to learn how to take care of it.

I've found that people can be very stupid and will say the most inappropriate things about just about any subject. I had a co-worker say something derrogetory about Native Americans and I quickly ran him out of my office. 'Cause who knows what he's saying about African Americans when my back is turned.

I love this board and have learned a wealth of info!!

 

[BeetleBug]

Hi all. I've been lurking on this site for a while and this is my very first post. I would love to put my 2cents in:

I've always been offended when people would say I had "good hair". To me nothing was good about it. Yes it looked curly, but I have fine, fragile, limp, dirty brown looking hair. If you look at it wrong it breaks. I always thought "what's good about it?" As kids my cousin had the blackest, thickest, strongest "nappy" hair and she would have the prettiest afro puffs I have ever seen. I used to cry 'cause my puffs would hang limp. To me, Her hair was the epitamy of beautiful black hair. To me she had the "good hair". She could use a super-de-douper perm and keep steppin'. Everything broke my hair and I would have to get it cut short and kids would laugh at me. I hated it.

And why should I have to be the one to "school" people? Not my job. I usually just ignore folks for the most part. I realize now that my hair is beautiful too, I just had to learn how to take care of it.

I've found that people can be very stupid and will say the most inappropriate things about just about any subject. I had a co-worker say something derrogetory about Native Americans and I quickly ran him out of my office. 'Cause who knows what he's saying about African Americans when my back is turned.

I love this board and have learned a wealth of info!!

Welcome to the Board. I hope you enjoy your stay here!

 

[*Muffin*]

I have a white guy friend and one time we were talking about something, and eventually the subject veered onto black people. So of course I used the term "we" when talking about this subject (because I am black) and he just looked at me strangely for a while. He eventually asked me "You consider yourself black?" I looked at him like he was stupid and said "Of course I consider myself black" and he said "well, I never considered you black." . He didn't mean it in a hurtful way, but I still was kind of offended by this. Since when did being black be a bad thing? It seems that the term "Black" or "of African descent" has become synonymous with ugly to some people. I happen to think that we black people are a very beautiful race, so I never understood why some people would think otherwise.

 

[*Muffin*]

Hi all. I've been lurking on this site for a while and this is my very first post. I would love to put my 2cents in:

I've always been offended when people would say I had "good hair". To me nothing was good about it. Yes it looked curly, but I have fine, fragile, limp, dirty brown looking hair. If you look at it wrong it breaks. I always thought "what's good about it?" As kids my cousin had the blackest, thickest, strongest "nappy" hair and she would have the prettiest afro puffs I have ever seen. I used to cry 'cause my puffs would hang limp. To me, Her hair was the epitamy of beautiful black hair. To me she had the "good hair". She could use a super-de-douper perm and keep steppin'. Everything broke my hair and I would have to get it cut short and kids would laugh at me. I hated it.

And why should I have to be the one to "school" people? Not my job. I usually just ignore folks for the most part. I realize now that my hair is beautiful too, I just had to learn how to take care of it.

I've found that people can be very stupid and will say the most inappropriate things about just about any subject. I had a co-worker say something derrogetory about Native Americans and I quickly ran him out of my office. 'Cause who knows what he's saying about African Americans when my back is turned.

I love this board and have learned a wealth of info!!

You made a beautiful point by saying this. I don't tolerate derrogatory talk about ANY race. To me, we are all brothers and sisters in this world. And welcome aboard!