"Nice hair for a black girl"

[PaperClip]

Disclaimer: I am not looking for affirmation. If I wanted some, I would post some pics.

Now this is honest! Nothing wrong with wanting affirmation. Just cut to the chase and own that desire! Call it out for what it is and it will be given.

 

[punchinella]

The conversation started out with her asking me about doing hot oil treatments with olive oil, because a former hairstylist that works in our office told her that her hair was brassy and needed a good trim and a couple months of intensive deep conditioning.

I let her try some Elucence MB and she likes it but that is not a deep conditioner.

She asked me for all of my "tricks" for hair/beauty and I told her I didn't have any tricks, I just do what works for me. This is when she said "nooo you have to have tricks....how come you have such nice hair for a black girl?"

We are friends at work and I didn't take offense to her comment because I know she wasn't being malicious but it's just eye opening to hear something like that said outloud.

It makes you think that as a whole, they feel we don't have "nice" hair.

I have read this post a couple of times and it does not seem like she is venting at all, she even states that she did not take offense.
It looks like she was just giving us some food for thought. IMHO

 

[Southernbella.]

I have read this post a couple of times and it does not seem like she is venting at all, she even states that she did not take offense.
It looks like she was just giving us some food for thought. IMHO

I agree. If she had been offended, though, I would understand why, and I wouldn't think it melodramatic. This is a hair board, so any posts about hair are appopriate, IMO.

 

[chayil0427]

This reminds me of a few months ago I was in Beauty Brands here in Dallas. It's a salon and spa with attached store. The store sells many salon brands and has a section of salon brands made for ethnic hair. They have great products and the staff is really nice.

Yet one night a girl, an employee in the store part of the operation, began questioning me about black hair and relaxers the conversation naturally led to hair growth and she questioned why so many black women have damaged hair....I explained as best to my knowledge...and then finally she asked what I think she was wanting to ask all along

"so what makes their hair look nappy?"

I didn't want to get into the fact nappy is a word most black people use to just describe really kinky hair and not damaged or unattractive hair and simply said that many black women abuse chemicals and have antiquated ideas about caring for their hair, but we're gaining new knowledge all the time. I even told her about LHCF and suggested she log on and view some of the pictures of you beautiful ladies.

She was totally innocent and I could tell she just had been wondering about "our" hair and felt like I was a nice person she could ask without offended, but it's rather sad all the same that some white women have a misconception that all black women have short dry nappy hair. I hope that we ladies on LHCF can lead the pack in changing these misconceptions and spreading the word to our sisters on healthy hair care.

Chayil

 

[sylver2]

something Funny
Now My hubby and I have been together for 7 years. So I known his family that long. Why is it every single time I see his aunt which is at any family gathering or event she goes..

Her: Your hair is really pretty

Me---thank U

Her: U sure thats all yours?

Me---umm yes I'm sure

Her(getting louder) all that is yours?

Me---uh yes

Her(very loud entire room can hear)Wow that looks like a weave, U sure?

Me---(entire room staring at me now) umm yes its my hair

Her: Lawdy Lawd Lawd!!

Me--- (while everyone studies my hair)

Hubby comes over near us

Her(she asks him right in front of me)--Is that all her hair?

Him: Yea I told u b4 now stop asking me

This same conversation(episode) happens every single time I see her

 

[*ElleB]

As a WHOLE, we don't. That's why we corner the weave market. I mean, we have a really nice thing going on here at LHCF but I definitely do not see much hair like I see in this forum in the gen pop. Why pretend? erplexed

Thank You...And to the OP, you DO have nice hair for a Black girl because you know how to properly care for it as we know that lots of other black women (don't front, alot of us used to BE one of them) don't know jack squat about good hair care....

 

[zora]

I guess my foundational point is this: we cannot know or control what other people think or say about our hair, weight, whatever. So I'm gently encouraging that we reframe such conversations to either shut them down completely if they cause offense or turn the question back on the person (not in an offensive way) and make it a teachable moment, ESPECIALLY if they have hair issues.

For those that choose to have healthy hair, people are going to ask. It's the burden of enlightenment.

Yes, yes, yes. It amazes me how many stories I hear from people who 'complain' that someone told them that they have 'good' hair, or that they're pretty for a dark-skinned woman, etc and just sit there a smile because the person didn't know any better. DUH!!!

C'mon, people. Let's start educating people out there. We don't have to yell, get an attitude or even lecture but we have to start giving them for food for thought so they'll think (imagine that) before they make another comment like that.

So yes, sometimes I do wonder if the person who received the backhanded compliment or whatever you want to call it is secretly or even unconsciously pleased with the comment.

 

[Priss Pot]

ok some of those backhanded comments are meant to be flattering when the person says them, but to me, it's not. I often get the "you're pretty for a big girl" comment, and while initially it seems like a nice compliment, it's really not. So what are they saying??? Big girls can't be pretty??? I don't like those comments. I'm not gonna go crazy on somebody for saying it, but I will correct them no doubt.

 

[ART11]

BTW, reply as follows the next time you are bothered by this...

"Thanks so much . You have fabulous skin for a white girl - not a crack in sight."

It will definitely make them ponder...

 

[seeminglysweet]

I have read this post a couple of times and it does not seem like she is venting at all, she even states that she did not take offense.
It looks like she was just giving us some food for thought. IMHO

Yes food for thought, that was what I was doing. I wasnt offended and i'm still not. My SO on the other hand, slept on it and woke up quite livid about it.
In addition to her comment she also asked if she could go to the salon I go to and if my stylist does white girl hair...I said I'm not sure but I know she could at least give you a conditioning treatment....She then said "oh yes, thats what I need, some shea butter or something like that to fix this mess"

I still am not offended by that comment, although that was just another step down a potentially dangerous path. I have found that the more I work with white people the more I realize they have NO CLUE about anything outside of their own experiences. I mean I do use shea butter in my hair sometimes....*shrug* so I'm not sure I have the right to get offended. It's a very thin line.

I also don't mind the post taking a different turn, there have been some interesting comments made and if we can't discuss things like this here than what are we here for.

 

[seeminglysweet]

Yes, yes, yes. It amazes me how many stories I hear from people who 'complain' that someone told them that they have 'good' hair, or that they're pretty for a dark-skinned woman, etc and just sit there a smile because the person didn't know any better. DUH!!!

C'mon, people. Let's start educating people out there. We don't have to yell, get an attitude or even lecture but we have to start giving them for food for thought so they'll think (imagine that) before they make another comment like that.

So yes, sometimes I do wonder if the person who received the backhanded compliment or whatever you want to call it is secretly or even unconsciously pleased with the comment.

I agree with this, especially the bolded.

 

[pink_n_green_iz_me]

I don't think people are looking for sympathy, I think this website also serves as a place for us to vent when others make simple comments about our hair. Yes they are backhanded compliments but I don't think anybody wants negative attention. People want positive attention regarding their hair. Someone saying your hair is nice and then asking are you mixed is a backhanded compliment. Like you must be mixed because your hair is pretty. So for all you ladies who have received an ignorant comment I feel ya pain. I have had people ask me if I had tracks cause my hair is thick.

I get that all the time. Yes I am mixed and yes my hair is pretty, but you know what, I NEVER let anyone's opinion of me or my hair validate me. I just laugh that ish off

 

[jasmin]

I agree with TSUprincess.

BTW, reply as follows the next time you are bothered by this...

"Thanks so much . You have fabulous skin for a white girl - not a crack in sight."

It will definitely make them ponder...

I love it. I might even take it further.

 

[zora]

BTW, reply as follows the next time you are bothered by this...

"Thanks so much . You have fabulous skin for a white girl - not a crack in sight."

It will definitely make them ponder...

That's something I would definitely say.

 

[MissYocairis]

I agree. If she had been offended, though, I would understand why, and I wouldn't think it melodramatic. This is a hair board, so any posts about hair are appopriate, IMO.

ITA. I don't have a problem with the OP being offended even though she clearly states that she was not.

I do believe generalizing black people through a less than complimentary perception (i.e. that most don't have nice hair and this girl was an exception to the rule) IS offensive to us collectively.

I would not have taken it as a compliment because I would have taken it as, you offend my sister, you offend me, kind of attitude. You can KEEP your compliment about my hair if you are going to undercut the beauty of my demographic in the process.

I'm not interested in a compliment on my hair from someone who thinks so little of BW's hair as a rule. And, that has absolutely NOTHING to do with seeking out attention on LHCF.

So, if someone is stating that here, I often wonder why anyone would assume the position of psychoanalyst and try to uncover some ulterior motive for someone wanting "attention" when they mention they were offended. Why go that deep? With all due respect, THIS is where we come to discuss our hair, our hair issues and our hair journey with others of like minds. All sorts of topics can and will come up under that umbrella. Why do we feel the need to reign in people's expression all the time?

 

[Proudpiscean]

ITA. I don't have a problem with the OP being offended even though she clearly states that she was not.

I do believe generalizing black people through a less than complimentary perception (i.e. that most don't have nice hair and this girl was an exception to the rule) IS offensive to us collectively.

I would not have taken it as a compliment because I would have taken it as, you offend my sister, you offend me, kind of attitude. You can KEEP your compliment about my hair if you are going to undercut the beauty of my demographic in the process.

I'm not interested in a compliment on my hair from someone who thinks so little of BW's hair as a rule. And, that has absolutely NOTHING to do with seeking out attention on LHCF.

So, if someone is stating that here, I often wonder why anyone would assume the position of psychoanalyst and try to uncover some ulterior motive for someone wanting "attention" when they mention they were offended. Why go that deep? With all due respect, THIS is where we come to discuss our hair, our hair issues and our hair journey with others of like minds. All sorts of topics can and will come up under that umbrella. Why do we feel the need to reign in people's expression all the time?

ITA: well said!

 

[seeminglysweet]

ITA. I don't have a problem with the OP being offended even though she clearly states that she was not.

I do believe generalizing black people through a less than complimentary perception (i.e. that most don't have nice hair and this girl was an exception to the rule) IS offensive to us collectively.

I would not have taken it as a compliment because I would have taken it as, you offend my sister, you offend me, kind of attitude. You can KEEP your compliment about my hair if you are going to undercut the beauty of my demographic in the process.

I'm not interested in a compliment on my hair from someone who thinks so little of BW's hair as a rule. And, that has absolutely NOTHING to do with seeking out attention on LHCF.

So, if someone is stating that here, I often wonder why anyone would assume the position of psychoanalyst and try to uncover some ulterior motive for someone wanting "attention" when they mention they were offended. Why go that deep? With all due respect, THIS is where we come to discuss our hair, our hair issues and our hair journey with others of like minds. All sorts of topics can and will come up under that umbrella. Why do we feel the need to reign in people's expression all the time?

very well said.

 

[Southernbella.]

ITA. I don't have a problem with the OP being offended even though she clearly states that she was not.

I do believe generalizing black people through a less than complimentary perception (i.e. that most don't have nice hair and this girl was an exception to the rule) IS offensive to us collectively.

I would not have taken it as a compliment because I would have taken it as, you offend my sister, you offend me, kind of attitude. You can KEEP your compliment about my hair if you are going to undercut the beauty of my demographic in the process.

I'm not interested in a compliment on my hair from someone who thinks so little of BW's hair as a rule. And, that has absolutely NOTHING to do with seeking out attention on LHCF.

So, if someone is stating that here, I often wonder why anyone would assume the position of psychoanalyst and try to uncover some ulterior motive for someone wanting "attention" when they mention they were offended. Why go that deep? With all due respect, THIS is where we come to discuss our hair, our hair issues and our hair journey with others of like minds. All sorts of topics can and will come up under that umbrella. Why do we feel the need to reign in people's expression all the time?

On point, as usual. I have a few theories, but I will keep them to myself so as not to play psychoanalyst myself.

 

[Country gal]

I agree with Zora regarding educating folks on how ignorant the backhanded compliments really are. I school folks on how ignorant they sound. They will never learn if you keep making excuses for them. I had a guy stare me up an down, then he told me I was so pretty for a dark skin woman. I told him your compliment was cool up until the for a dark skin woman. The other brothers around shook their heads when he said the dark skin part.

 

[Kimberly]

Yes food for thought, that was what I was doing. I wasnt offended and i'm still not. My SO on the other hand, slept on it and woke up quite livid about it.
In addition to her comment she also asked if she could go to the salon I go to and if my stylist does white girl hair...I said I'm not sure but I know she could at least give you a conditioning treatment....She then said "oh yes, thats what I need, some shea butter or something like that to fix this mess"

I still am not offended by that comment, although that was just another step down a potentially dangerous path. I have found that the more I work with white people the more I realize they have NO CLUE about anything outside of their own experiences. I mean I do use shea butter in my hair sometimes....*shrug* so I'm not sure I have the right to get offended. It's a very thin line.

I also don't mind the post taking a different turn, there have been some interesting comments made and if we can't discuss things like this here than what are we here for.

I think it's great that you are able to be so positive regardless. You could have went off on her and probably fed into some other stereotypical thoughts she may have had and your whole post could have been very different. I thnk it's great that she felt comfortable enough with you to have the dialogue.

What I got from your original post was more of a food for thought perspective. I talk to my white coworkers about my hair sometimes. I know they are wondering today why I'm sitting here with a ball cap on in the office.

Actually, your post reminded me of my first full time job when I was about 19 in a small town in Middle Tennessee. I was one of the few black people working there. There was me and a guy on my shift and a chick and guy on the second shift. Anyway, the little safety guy came up to me one evening while I was working and struck up a conversation and asked me if there were a lot of "colored people" where I was from (Memphis - southwest Tennessee) and I started laughing. I asked him "What 'color' of people do you mean?" and he turned bright red! I told him that I wasn't offended but that we generally don't cotton to being called "colored" anymore and I went on to talk to him about Memphis' diversity as compared to the area we were in at that time. At that job, I was often the first black person they had seen in person and/or had an opportunity to speak to.

 

[melodee]

I guess what I'm saying or asking is what's the point? Are you looking for sympathy or fellowship or affirmation that your hair is ok as is? It's like for some (not all), people want the attention on their hair but when they get it, they fake all out and act all bothered by it. It's quite circular.

That's why I also simply say "thanks" when someone compliments my hair, whether I'm wearing add ons or not. It's really not their business. And it proves I'm doing something right in order for folks to take notice.

I really think that people come on here to vent or to share hair comments that they wouldn't share with their friends or family. I think we've all gotten the "you're ______(insert pretty, intelligent/well spoken, well behaved, light skinned) for a Black girl.

 

[melodee]

I agree with Zora regarding educating folks on how ignorant the backhanded compliments really are. I school folks on how ignorant they sound. They will never learn if you keep making excuses for them. I had a guy stare me up an down, then he told me I was so pretty for a dark skin woman. I told him your compliment was cool up until the for a dark skin woman. The other brothers around shook their heads when he said the dark skin part.

ITA with my girls Country and Zora. I do this, as well as my sister. She was out of the country and a young child of European decent ( child of a family that hosted her) asked her "when are going going to get white?". She said that my sister was "too tanned" and that"she should be white because dark skinned people are ugly.

My sister explained to the child that she happened to think that dark skinned people are beautiful to her and that she loves how she looks. She proceeded to inform the mother and explain that although people have preferences and that's okay, to make remarks about detesting people based on skin color was offensive and wrong and that Mom should help her to realize this. I was so proud of my girl for this.

 

[Blu217]

Whenever someone has said something to me that illustrated an innocent ignorance about black folk--and you can usually tell the difference between an insult and plain ole' cluelessness--I don't take offense. I take it as an opportunity to educate. Usually people are really curious and just want to know but are afraid to ask, so why not clue them in and spread some knowledge? They might spread the word when their non-black friend makes an ignorant comment, once they actually have heard the truth straight from the source.

People like to feel like they've got some inside knowledge their friends don't--and in my experience, they just LOVE to let folks know what they learned from "us." With a little patience and even a bit of humor, you can enlighten a lot of people. I know I've successfully schooled a few people and opened a few minds.

 

[2cute2B4gotten]

I think we all know our hair is fine as is. What stinks is the assbackwards thinking of other people. Wether they are intentionally or unintentionally being offensive, they believe they are justified in saying what they're saying.
Perhaps I got a different message out of the posts, but I don't think the problem lies in the individuals' hair, but rather the assinine comments made by the offending party.
I have had my share of stupid comments. And while I want hair attention, that doesn't mean that I want it in any form I can get it.
Personally, I'd much rather have, "Wow, your hair is very pretty"... than to have something derogatory tagged onto the end of it.

Exactly...which is why I never let those comments go... I politely "inform" the offending party that their comments are inappropriate. I think we need to stop allowing people to openly and blatantly attack what God gave us. Comments like that are insulting...intentional or not.

 

[2cute2B4gotten]

something Funny
Now My hubby and I have been together for 7 years. So I known his family that long. Why is it every single time I see his aunt which is at any family gathering or event she goes..

Her: Your hair is really pretty

Me---thank U

Her: U sure thats all yours?

Me---umm yes I'm sure

Her(getting louder) all that is yours?

Me---uh yes

Her(very loud entire room can hear)Wow that looks like a weave, U sure?

Me---(entire room staring at me now) umm yes its my hair

Her: Lawdy Lawd Lawd!!

Me--- (while everyone studies my hair)

Hubby comes over near us

Her(she asks him right in front of me)--Is that all her hair?

Him: Yea I told u b4 now stop asking me

This same conversation(episode) happens every single time I see her

This is just too damn much.

 

[PaperClip]

So, if someone is stating that here, I often wonder why anyone would assume the position of psychoanalyst and try to uncover some ulterior motive for someone wanting "attention" when they mention they were offended. Why go that deep? With all due respect, THIS is where we come to discuss our hair, our hair issues and our hair journey with others of like minds. All sorts of topics can and will come up under that umbrella. Why do we feel the need to reign in people's expression all the time?

There's a big difference between reigning in people's expressions and asking about the expression or thought. If I have that much power as being implied here, then I'm in the wrong line of work. Regardless of the work I would and shall do, I use my power of persuasion and inquiry for good and not for evil. I do not apologize for asking. The freedom of expression goes both ways. Just as I'm doing the asking, I must be able to accept the challenge to be asked as well. Nothing neither undercover nor deep about it. I went directly to the source and I'll do that every time, always making sure that my tone is respectful and courteous.

 

[DAX]

This has turned into a very interesting thread. In reading a lot of the responses, most of you remember when someone made a backhanded comment regarding your hair or weight. I am glad that we are interested in analyzing such comments.

I had to do a lot of soul searching this month because I have had a few "comments" made to me that I let get me down and some even made me mad, but then I considered the persons who made the comments and I decided that some people have inter conflicts with their own self-esteem which makes it so easy to come at someone with negative comments.

I have a co-worker who is very color struck and has a distaste for darker skinned people. I came to work one day and was telling her that I had met a guy who thought that I was Dominican. For some reason, sometimes people ask me if am I from the Islands or am I Cuban or Dominican. I believe it is my skin tone because I don't have naturally straight hair, I have fine strands that need mild relaxing. Well, my co-worker said "I don't know why people ask you that, I could see them asking me that questions because I am light skinned and I have nice hair". I was like, WHAT. I could believe that she came out of her mouth like that.

Well, I thought about it for a minute and then I asked her what makes her think that just because she is light skinned that she looks "other" than Black? She replied that she just thinks because she is light with nice hair that she looks like she has "something in her". I didn't comment on the hair because she does not have "nice" or "good" hair. Actually, she highlighted her hair and now it is very damaged and has broken off. I did let her know that her hair looked very damaged and that I could recommend some conditioners to fix her "nice" hair. She has that brown paper bag mentality. I feel sorry for her. She believes that you cannot be Black and beautiful unless you are light skinned or have "something" in you.

As for the weight issue. I have had comments made to me as well suggesting that I would be a dime piece if I was slim. Personally, I think that TSU Princess is very pretty regardless of how much she weighs. I have never seen her body, just her headshots and in her recent photos her hair is in a bun and she has on no makeup that I can see, yet she has the most beautiful face. If she lost weight, she would be the same "pretty" women with less body fat. Being plus size doesn't make one ugly. I know some really ugly skinny women!

Also, why does every Black women with a nice length of healthy hair have to have a weave and be called a liar if they say they don't?

I think that comments about hair whether positive or negative should be shared in order to see what the public thinks about Black hair and the myths surrounding the perceptions. Maybe this site will reach hundreds of thousands of Black women and help them understand that having nice hair is about taking time and care, no matter what grade it is.

 

[MissYocairis]

There's a big difference between reigning in people's expressions and asking about the expression or thought. If I have that much power as being implied here, then I'm in the wrong line of work. Regardless of the work I would and shall do, I use my power of persuasion and inquiry for good and not for evil. I do not apologize for asking. The freedom of expression goes both ways. Just as I'm doing the asking, I must be able to accept the challenge to be asked as well. Nothing neither undercover nor deep about it. I went directly to the source and I'll do that every time, always making sure that my tone is respectful and courteous.

Who said you or anyone else here had that much power? You don't. We don't and shouldn't. I said we "feel the NEED to" reign in the expressions of others. That's quite different. What difference does it make if someone is looking for validation by way of mentioning to their peers that they got a compliment? I suppose it's something that does not seem as relevant to me as it does to you and others and that's cool. But, if someone, not saying that the OP is that person, but, if someone is fishing for a compliment in a round-a-bout way, so? How does that affect the quality of exchanges here? You can either give one or withhold one.

I find that oftentimes we seem to want to question the motives of OP's on certain subjects as though they are not to be trusted or taken on face value and quite frankly, it's unbecoming.

But, that's just my opinion. We will continue to respect each other and coexist. It's deeper for some than others. For some, it's hair talk. For others, we suspect there might be more underneath the surface. It is what it is.

 

[PaperClip]

Who said you or anyone else here had that much power? You don't. We don't and shouldn't. I said we "feel the NEED to" reign in the expressions of others. That's quite different. What difference does it make if someone is looking for validation by way of mentioning to their peers that they got a compliment? I suppose it's something that does not seem as relevant to me as it does to you and others and that's cool. But, if someone, not saying that the OP is that person, but, if someone is fishing for a compliment in a round-a-bout way, so? How does that affect the quality of exchanges here? You can either give one or withhold one.

I find that oftentimes we seem to want to question the motives of OP's on certain subjects as though they are not to be trusted or taken on face value and quite frankly, it's unbecoming.

But, that's just my opinion. We will continue to respect each other and coexist. It's deeper for some than others. For some, it's hair talk. For others, we suspect there might be more underneath the surface. It is what it is.

It was the point in bold that read as a bit accusatory as if I was picking on the OP, and that was not the case. This particular post at this particular time provoked my thought about what I asked about. I also made note in my first post that I was not speaking to the OP personally, but it was general questions.

I know more now about this topic than I did when I first posted, so for me, it's all good. I always appreciate a rigorous, respectful conversation, as long as everybody remains courteous and direct.

 

[kristina]

ITA. I don't have a problem with the OP being offended even though she clearly states that she was not.

I do believe generalizing black people through a less than complimentary perception (i.e. that most don't have nice hair and this girl was an exception to the rule) IS offensive to us collectively.

I would not have taken it as a compliment because I would have taken it as, you offend my sister, you offend me, kind of attitude. You can KEEP your compliment about my hair if you are going to undercut the beauty of my demographic in the process.

I'm not interested in a compliment on my hair from someone who thinks so little of BW's hair as a rule. And, that has absolutely NOTHING to do with seeking out attention on LHCF.

So, if someone is stating that here, I often wonder why anyone would assume the position of psychoanalyst and try to uncover some ulterior motive for someone wanting "attention" when they mention they were offended. Why go that deep? With all due respect, THIS is where we come to discuss our hair, our hair issues and our hair journey with others of like minds. All sorts of topics can and will come up under that umbrella. Why do we feel the need to reign in people's expression all the time?

Love, love, love this post!
And my 2 cents RelaxerRehab is that your observation was also a thinly veiled way of saying 'so what?' or 'who cares?' in response to the OP rather than even considering whether the comment made was or would be offensive. That's why I can understand where CBC is coming from, even if this was not your intention.

I personally would be offended by the qualified compliment "nice hair for a black girl", the necessary implication is that my hair is only nice if judged by this (more likely considering the context) lowered standard. The qualification overwhelms the compliment to me and if it were me I would draw her attention to the problem with the comment (in a gentle way if I thought she was just clueless).