Why do I still have to defend my hair? Vent!(sorry its long)

[Mdmommy99]

Out of nowhere my sister-in-law told me that she and her husband were having a conversation about what styles were appropriate for work. She relaxes about 2 times per year and has very thick, beautiful hair that was bsl but she now wears in a bob and always straightens. Basically she asked me whether I thought it was appropriate to wear natural hair which she referred to as an "afro" to work.

Of course I'm looking at her like erplexed because I have natural hair so obviously if I thought that it was unprofessional I wouldn't have it. She went on to say that she felt it didn't make her comfortable and would feel the same way about a mohawk or said that it was similar to men growing their hair or beard really long and not grooming or cutting it.

By this point I just felt like One because I couldn't understand why she brought this up to me out of nowhere other than to basically call my look unprofessional. The other reason that I also explained to her is that a mowhawk is style. Natural hair is not a style. In fact it is just the way that my hair grows out of my head. I just don't have a perm. So it isn't a style that you have a problem with, but its my hair's texture that you have a problem with, which is a problem. She didn't say anything after that, but it just really frustrates me to have the hair on my head be called unprofessional just because it doesn't grow out of my head straight. My hair is always neat and well taken care of, so I fail to see the unprofessionalism in that.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just am upset and felt like LHCF would probably be the only place that I could talk about it. I am a very "live and let live" person. I am not on a natural crusade and couldn't care less if another woman wanted to relax her hair every 2 weeks, but it just seems ridiculous to me to constantly have to defend myself for not relaxing. It also makes me really mad that Black women are the only people I ever have to have this conversation with. No one else seems to have so much to say about the hair on my head.

Thanks for listening. I feel better now.

 

[BlaqBella]

I was just thinking of how grateful i am for LHCF and the people here. But it sounds like to me (feel free to correct me here) that she has a PROBLEM with OUR HAIR (her's included) otherwise why does she relax & then make comments about hair that must grow out looking something similiar to hers. Peoples ignorance makes my arse hurt.

 

[NikStarrr]

By this point I just felt like One because I couldn't understand why she brought this up to me out of nowhere other than to basically call my look unprofessional. The other reason that I also explained to her is that a mowhawk is style. Natural hair is not a style. In fact it is just the way that my hair grows out of my head. I just don't have a perm. So it isn't a style that you have a problem with, but its my hair's texture that you have a problem with, which is a problem. She didn't say anything after that, but it just really frustrates me to have the hair on my head be called unprofessional just because it doesn't grow out of my head straight. My hair is always neat and well taken care of, so I fail to see the unprofessionalism in that.

VERY profound statement. I think you handled the conversation well, mama.

 

[Mdmommy99]

That was my same thought. I love healthy straight looks as well as healthy natural hair, but it amazes me that sometimes people forget that their hair doesn't grow out of their head like that.

 

[Mdmommy99]

VERY profound statement. I think you handled the conversation well, mama.

Thank you. I have been natural for years and had to deal with a lot of ignorance at the beginning but I guess its been a while since I've had to have this conversation. I just feel like at this point there are so many people who don't relax that having to defend it would have gotten old by now.

 

[Southernbella.]

It's ingrained in her, just like it was ingrained in most of us before we knew differently.

My bffs have changed their speech (if not their thinking) around me. One used to say "ni**a hair" and the other always talked about how nappy her new growth was. Now they kind of tiptoe around the subject of hair because they know I'm not going to take too kindly to negative talk about natural hair or nappy hair.

Give her time. I understand your frustration, and I think you handled it very well. Just try to remember that some people are truly brainwashed about natural hair, and they have to want to be educated about it. Even then, they may not really get it, but they may at least keep their negative comments to themselves.

 

[NikStarrr]

Thank you. I have been natural for years and had to deal with a lot of ignorance at the beginning but I guess its been a while since I've had to have this conversation. I just feel like at this point there are so many people who don't relax that having to defend it would have gotten old by now.

You'll be surprised (or not) at how "old school" black ppl still are in regard to this hair stuff. I think being on the hair boards regularly kind of makes us forget how it really is out there in the real world.

 

[jada1111]

Out of nowhere my sister-in-law told me that she and her husband were having a conversation about what styles were appropriate for work. She relaxes about 2 times per year and has very thick, beautiful hair that was bsl but she now wears in a bob and always straightens. Basically she asked me whether I thought it was appropriate to wear natural hair which she referred to as an "afro" to work.

Of course I'm looking at her like erplexed because I have natural hair so obviously if I thought that it was unprofessional I wouldn't have it. She went on to say that she felt it didn't make her comfortable and would feel the same way about a mohawk or said that it was similar to men growing their hair or beard really long and not grooming or cutting it.

To THIS, I would have said "Well, don't wear it then. Is someone forcing you to go natural and wear an afro or something? Why are you bringing this up?"

And would have patiently waited for her response. I'm sorry, but I don't do stupid very well.

 

[mscocoface]

Keep your head up and vent anytime you want to. We understand and unfortunately it may not be the last time you will need to deal with her or others.

 

[BostonMaria]

I hate it when people are passive aggressive. If she has a problem with your hair she should just come out and say it, not tip toe around the subject. Ugh.

 

[asubeauty]

I wonder why YOUR hair would bother other people so much. It's amazing how some of "us" get so bothered by someone deciding not to get a relaxer. I mean dang!

 

[beans4reezy]

Since when did natural hair become unproffessional? Would your sister-in-law make the same conclusion about a Caucasion woman with a really curly texture?

 

[beans4reezy]

I wonder why YOUR hair would bother other people so much. It's amazing how some of "us" get so bothered by someone deciding not to get a relaxer. I mean dang!

And yes, this is so true, but my question is why does our hair bother OUR people so much? I'm approaching a year and I haven't relaxed my hair. My hair looks natural. With my family, it's like I've created some cardinal sin by not enslaving myself to touch-ups. It's sad, it's like for a majority of us, mentally we are enslaved. If it isn't straight- it isn't pretty or professional!

 

[andromeda]

I have the perfect video for you, OP - "Don't explain yourself" - http://www.youtube.com/user/glamazini#p/u/5/xOQGS1HhnR0. I actually started a thread on it yesterday. Hope it puts a smile on your face!

I think you handled the situation pretty well.

 

[darlingdiva]

Out of nowhere my sister-in-law told me that she and her husband were having a conversation about what styles were appropriate for work. She relaxes about 2 times per year and has very thick, beautiful hair that was bsl but she now wears in a bob and always straightens. Basically she asked me whether I thought it was appropriate to wear natural hair which she referred to as an "afro" to work.

Of course I'm looking at her like erplexed because I have natural hair so obviously if I thought that it was unprofessional I wouldn't have it. She went on to say that she felt it didn't make her comfortable and would feel the same way about a mohawk or said that it was similar to men growing their hair or beard really long and not grooming or cutting it.

By this point I just felt like One because I couldn't understand why she brought this up to me out of nowhere other than to basically call my look unprofessional. The other reason that I also explained to her is that a mowhawk is style. Natural hair is not a style. In fact it is just the way that my hair grows out of my head. I just don't have a perm. So it isn't a style that you have a problem with, but its my hair's texture that you have a problem with, which is a problem. She didn't say anything after that, but it just really frustrates me to have the hair on my head be called unprofessional just because it doesn't grow out of my head straight. My hair is always neat and well taken care of, so I fail to see the unprofessionalism in that.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just am upset and felt like LHCF would probably be the only place that I could talk about it. I am a very "live and let live" person. I am not on a natural crusade and couldn't care less if another woman wanted to relax her hair every 2 weeks, but it just seems ridiculous to me to constantly have to defend myself for not relaxing. It also makes me really mad that Black women are the only people I ever have to have this conversation with. No one else seems to have so much to say about the hair on my head.

Thanks for listening. I feel better now.

So many people STILL don't understand it. It's just like when people say, "Oh, you wear your hair natural." I can't wear my hair natural. It's just natural--that's it!

 

[Mdmommy99]

Since when did natural hair become unproffessional? Would your sister-in-law make the same conclusion about a Caucasion woman with a really curly texture?

I actually used this as an example when I was talking to her. I said that if you take a White woman with curly hair or even a black person with a very loose curl that decides to wear their hair in its natural state, it doesn't get questioned. I am doing the same thing with my hair that they are. It is just a different texture. She didn't have anything to say but "hmmm" I guess she wasn't feeling that response.

 

[Mdmommy99]

I have the perfect video for you, OP - "Don't explain yourself" - http://www.youtube.com/user/glamazini#p/u/5/xOQGS1HhnR0. I actually started a thread on it yesterday. Hope it puts a smile on your face!

I think you handled the situation pretty well.

Love it! I wish I had seen it earlier so that I could have perfected my blank stare for that conversation.

 

[GaiasDaughter24]

you handled it very well. I don't understand why she's so concerned with YOUR hair. When people make comments like that (my in-laws are great for it about EVERYTHING. ugh.) it makes me wonder, do they REALLY think you're going to change because of their opinion? Usually i jus does the opposite and makes you defensive.

 

[Mdmommy99]

So many people STILL don't understand it. It's just like when people say, "Oh, you wear your hair natural." I can't wear my hair natural. It's just natural--that's it!

My sentiments exactly. It's funny that there are few to no other natural things that people are so opposed to. No one would say "I think you look bad with your regular color eyes. You should get contacts." Yet they feel so comfortable saying it about hair. To me it amounts to about the same thing. Every now and again I feel like there shouldn't even be a term called natural hair. There should just be hair, relaxed hair, color treated hair etc. I know I'm doing a lot with that thought but that's kind of how all of the other cultures do it. It just bothers me that hair as-is can be seen as something alternative or weird.

 

[sharifeh]

It seems you were making some very good points to her. I hope some of it got through her ignorant head.