You're Touchy Feely And He's Not?

[Libra08]

@GeorginaSparks you sound a lot like my SO. I want to cuddle after sex every time and he's just ready for bed. I think I've gotten over that one now though bec he does a pretty good job wearing me out

@hopeful thanks much for all of your input! The one thing that really hit home for me that you mentioned is taking time for myself. I haven't been feeling to secure with myself so it is highly possible that I could be reaching out to him for extra security when I should just be working on myself.

And thanks to everyone for not going straight to the you should break up advice. Although he has trouble with physical affection he does do well with acts of service. He gets an A+ in that area it's just not a trait that I readily recognize. I'm learning to appreciate though and I make sure to tell him each time that i appreciate what he does for me. I know he's trying so I should just take @Fine 4s and wait until he catches up with me.

 

[CaraWalker]

i dont know that you want to tip him off by asking verbally... just keep an eye out.

 

[Libra08]

i dont know that you want to tip him off by asking verbally... just keep an eye out.

I asked him about the porn to thing before I saw your response and he was super adamant that he prefers to have sex with me than watch porn. He wasn't th least bit offended either. I also decided to challenge myself by not mentioning the affection thing for a month. He says he's trying and I believe him. I just need to sit back and let him do his thing without reprimanding him. And also take this time for some me time and self improvement. He also mentioned that his family wasn't big on affection so I'm just going to have to work with him.

 

[discodumpling]

Im the opposite. He craves touching stroking etc. I do not. Further he is clueless and can't take a hint when ive had enough. Now off to read the rwst of the thread to see what can be done.

 

[sweetvi]

I don't think talking about it will help. I mean he knows what you want but isn't into it. It's not his way. I think you need to think about if you want a long-term relationship with someone who may not be able to meet your physical needs. To me it's less about him and more about you and what you want/need. I think talking about and asking for affection is embarrassing. IMO it puts you in a position of weakness, always asking for his help to make you feel secure. You're a lovely, soft woman and you are needing to request physical affection. Women always feel like they have to ask for stuff. Not many men would be in a relationship with a woman if they had to constantly ask her for what they wanted and she acted reluctant and bothered. You know men let it be known they want whatever it is they want and we women tend to try to please.

I think you should fall back and make sure you are happy. Make sure you are not giving too much of yourself away without geting enough back in return. Reciprocity and balance is really important in a relationship. Really take good care of you. Give yourself more time, attention and affection. I have found that whenever I think I really want something from someone else it's really me trying to get my attention. Then what I wanted comes more easily or naturally, or it becomes more easy for me to walk away.

always love your responses....

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Interesting.

Its the total opposite for me.

I struggle with touch.

It was my lowest category out of the five Love Languages.

One of my girlfriends noted that of all her friends I'm the only one she doesn't hug.

Yup, this is me too. It's also my lowest Love Language.

My BF is much more of a touchy feely person than I am. He's mentioned more than once that I'm not affectionate in that way. Something I have to work on, but it just doesn't come naturally to me.

 

[MsKinkycurl]

My SO and I are in the same situation. I mentioned that I am affectionate early in the relationship because I know I like physical affection more than some people. The biggest hurdle was realizing that he will never consistently match the level of physical affection that I like to give/ receive. Our brains are just wired differently. I had to decide that I was ok with that.

After that the second biggest hurdle was finding a happy balance between SO being more affectionate and my holding back a bit. I also had to become comfortable with being the one to initiate.

It helps that I know he cares for me because he shows it in his own love language quite often. So usually in my less understanding moments he does something to make me realize what I have around the same time.

HTH!