You're Touchy Feely And He's Not?

Libra08

Libra08

Well-Known Member
Are any of you ladies in a relationship with SOs that aren't big on physical touch? I love being touchy feeling. I love random kisses, hugs, and strokes. It helps me feel secure in a relationship but my SO isn't too big on it. How did you adjust to this?

Thanks!
 
It depends. If he knows this is an important way for you to express love, he will figure out his comfort zone around touch and allow you to be touchy feely, at least a little.

My ex wasn't touchy feely at ALL. not in public, not at home. and he made it difficult for me to even reach out and hold hands sometimes. it was a constant stresser, not because he wasn't into it. but because he wouldn't let me express love in ways that were normal for me. Not a red flag, but just be mindful of it, OP.
 
If it's your love language, you should tell him. And then you guys can ease into helping him feel comfortable with it and you get the touch you need.

I struggle with touch. I don't really like being touched randomly; however, I think it's one of my secondary languages. Like it's something I really do want and crave, but I have to be really comfortable with someone to be cool with it.
 
I don't think talking about it will help. I mean he knows what you want but isn't into it. It's not his way. I think you need to think about if you want a long-term relationship with someone who may not be able to meet your physical needs. To me it's less about him and more about you and what you want/need. I think talking about and asking for affection is embarrassing. IMO it puts you in a position of weakness, always asking for his help to make you feel secure. You're a lovely, soft woman and you are needing to request physical affection. Women always feel like they have to ask for stuff. Not many men would be in a relationship with a woman if they had to constantly ask her for what they wanted and she acted reluctant and bothered. You know men let it be known they want whatever it is they want and we women tend to try to please.

I think you should fall back and make sure you are happy. Make sure you are not giving too much of yourself away without geting enough back in return. Reciprocity and balance is really important in a relationship. Really take good care of you. Give yourself more time, attention and affection. I have found that whenever I think I really want something from someone else it's really me trying to get my attention. Then what I wanted comes more easily or naturally, or it becomes more easy for me to walk away.
 
The more I do me and take good care of me, the more dh is up under me. When I'm like I want this, I want that. Why don't you? etc. the less I get and the more frustrated I become. You have to be more me centered and put more of your actions and activity and thoughts toward you. I bet when he met you you were minding your own business and doing you. And I bet he did what he had to do to get you.
 
hopeful said:
I don't think talking about it will help. I mean he knows what you want but isn't into it. It's not his way. I think you need to think about if you want a long-term relationship with someone who may not be able to meet your physical needs. To me it's less about him and more about you and what you want/need. I think talking about and asking for affection is embarrassing. IMO it puts you in a position of weakness, always asking for his help to make you feel secure. You're a lovely, soft woman and you are needing to request physical affection. Women always feel like they have to ask for stuff. Not many men would be in a relationship with a woman if they had to constantly ask her for what they wanted and she acted reluctant and bothered. You know men let it be known they want whatever it is they want and we women tend to try to please.

I think you should fall back and make sure you are happy. Make sure you are not giving too much of yourself away without geting enough back in return. Reciprocity and balance is really important in a relationship. Really take good care of you. Give yourself more time, attention and affection. I have found that whenever I think I really want something from someone else it's really me trying to get my attention. Then what I wanted comes more easily or naturally, or it becomes more easy for me to walk away.
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hopeful said:
The more I do me and take good care of me, the more dh is up under me. When I'm like I want this, I want that. Why don't you? etc. the less I get and the more frustrated I become. You have to be more me centered and put more of your actions and activity and thoughts toward you. I bet when he met you you were minding your own business and doing you. And I bet he did what he had to do to get you.
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if that is who he is not going to care.

OR

he will use it as a manipulation tactic. Indian giver. Give to appease and then steal it back.


Personally I love people that love physical touch so I can be withholding.:look:

Certain personalities types of male personalitirs are this way--super nerds and legit religious unmarried conservatives. He's not going to GAF
For me, as far as I concerned I was raised a certain way and I am comfortable with a certain amount of affection. Period. It is what it is. this is one of the topics where there is very much little influence someone that was not involved the person's upbringing or married to that will change much. this is at the very much at the foundation of a person's character.

I have had boyfriends and girlfriends before and I will change a lot but this is one thing I am NOT interested in changing unless I want to. Not my love languge. Its the love languge that makes me most uncomfortable. I'm not going to hold your hand, hug you, sex you, unless I want to. The end. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person that feels this way. Get over it or move on.

I have to feel emotional bonded OR physically/financially obligated or indebted to want to experience physical touch.


.
 
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I haven't had much experience with men who are not interested in physical touch. It is a huge turn off for me. One guy I briefly dated was all touchy feely in the beginning, then a couple of weeks later expressed how he didn't like holding hands, touching and randomly kissing. I observed how he had no problems with it when he was TRYING to get some. So if you don't like affection, then we will have a problem having sex. We didn't last very long after his confession. It is one of those requirements in a relationship for me.
 
Libra08 said:
Yeah he does. I would guess like 3 to 4 times a week.
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Not speaking personally but I've noticed this is a bad sign for men. Like she they replace the need for physical touch with porn. It's not all that rare. It actually seems to happen often enough. At the same time it might be a sign of passive aggressive frustration or stress, something that may need to be explored by you're inquiry and/or possibly something deeper.
 
What has he said about it? I'm just curious because I'm not at all touchy feely and I've had guys complain that I am not affectionate or that I'm distant. The crazy thing is, sometimes I feel like I am being affectionate and putting myself out there since I don't usually touch people at all :look: I'm generally trying but it never seems like enough.

Maybe you can quantify it for him. Like be specific. I don't know to what extent you all have discussed this, but I know just telling someone who is not affectionate to be more affectionate is unhelpful. I've never understood what specifically and to what extent cuddly people need to feel affection to be fulfilled in a relationship.
 
barbiesocialite said:
Not speaking personally but I've noticed this is a bad sign for men. Like she they replace the need for physical touch with porn. It's not all that rare. It actually seems to happen often enough. At the same time it might be a sign of passive aggressive frustration or stress, something that may need to be explored by you're inquiry and/or possibly something deeper.
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Thank you for this perspective!
 
InsertCleverNameHere said:
What has he said about it? I'm just curious because I'm not at all touchy feely and I've had guys complain that I am not affectionate or that I'm distant. The crazy thing is, sometimes I feel like I am being affectionate and putting myself out there since I don't usually touch people at all :look: I'm generally trying but it never seems like enough.

Maybe you can quantify it for him. Like be specific. I don't know to what extent you all have discussed this, but I know just telling someone who is not affectionate to be more affectionate is unhelpful. I've never understood what specifically and to what extent cuddly people need to feel affection to be fulfilled in a relationship.
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He replied with that's just not him. He said he would try, then I brought it it yesterday that I needed affection. He told me he thought he was being affectionate. So it sounds like you and him are a lot alike.
 
barbiesocialite said:
Interesting.

Its the total opposite for me.

I struggle with touch.

It was my lowest category out of the five Love Languages.

One of my girlfriends noted that of all her friends I'm the only one she doesn't hug.
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I am the same way. I met a guy who was not touchy feely and I learned I prefer the man to be touchy feely to balance me out. Usually I can tell after the first or second date whether he is touchy feely.
 
Libra08 said:
He replied with that's just not him. He said he would try, then I brought it it yesterday that I needed affection. He told me he thought he was being affectionate. So it sounds like you and him are a lot alike.
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I think some people are touchy and some aren't. It's probably one of those things you'll have to decide if you can tolerate or not. I probably wouldn't be able to. If it is your love language, and if he really wants to be with you, then he needs to figure out a way to get over it. It wouldn't be fair for you to consistently fulfill his love language and he not reciprocate.
 
I've been on both sides of this coin. I remember the first time I felt the way my ex felt about me. Most of my life I was not touchy feely lovey dovey....I turned that way when I turned 40. Not sure why...but I feel grateful to see this thing from both ends now. Plus I feel I was most comfortable with myself when I was less into that. Being TFLD gives off a vulnerability I do NOT enjoy.
 
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ChasingBliss said:
I've been on both sides of this coin. I remember the first time I felt the way my ex felt about me. Most of my life I was not touchy feely lovey dovey....I turned that way when I turned 40. Not sure why...but I feel grateful to see this thing from both ends now. Plust I feel I was most comfortable with myself when I was less into that. Being TFLD gives off a vulnerability I do NOT enjoy.
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I like what you are saying here. That's why I think it's best not to judge people for how they show love. Like @barbiesocialite said you have to accept people for who they are and how they are. Plenty wonderful people are not TFLD. They just may not be the one for you. Or they might be. I used to be very LD but not really TF. I find myself becoming more TFLD though and sometimes I'm not at all. It just depends on the day and the person I'm with.
 
barbiesocialite said:
Not speaking personally but I've noticed this is a bad sign for men. Like she they replace the need for physical touch with porn. It's not all that rare. It actually seems to happen often enough. At the same time it might be a sign of passive aggressive frustration or stress, something that may need to be explored by you're inquiry and/or possibly something deeper.
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The most touchy feely guy I know is an avid porn fan. In fact he is in a similar situation to OP. So, I'm not so sure about the correlation to porn

OP, I will tell you the same thing that I told him. If your partner is not willing to budge, then move on. There are some people who are not touchy feely and folks tend to assume that there is always a past trauma or emotional issue when this is not the case. They simply express themselves differently. I can only imagine how frustrating that is because touch and quality time are my two love languages by a longgg shot. I won't tolerate anything else.
 
^i think that guy might be an exception. i would agree that generally guys who are not touchy feely have some issues with porn, masturbation, and overall discomfort with intimacy. if you're ever dating a guy who finds it in any way easier, preferable, or comparable to masturbate than have sex, RUN.

speaking for myself, i was less comfortable with physical affection when i still had some issues with vulnerability and intimacy. i am much more comfortable across all levels of intimacy now, and am much more comfortable with physical affection as a result. maybe one doesn't necessarily cause the other and maybe it's not like that for everyone but for me they were definitely related.
 
Libra08 said:
Thanks for all of the responses ladies. I guess I was just of the mind that if someone really cares for you, they'll show you with affection. Thanks for the different perspectives, especially those who aren't really affectionate.
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They should:yep:. We're just saying people show it different ways and judging people or trying to change people is a losing battle. What matters most is that you feel loved and secure within the relationship. It starts with you feeling loved and secure within yourself but within a relationship we all desire certain things. We are all different. My advice is:
*Love yourself and take good care of you, be really affectionate and sweet with yourself
*Believe that you deserve the type of relationship you want
*Someone not loving you how you want may mean they don't love you or it may be they do but don't show how you want
*If you don't feel loved and secure within your relationship and your guy can't or won't satisfy your needs, then maybe he isn't the one for you. And that's okay too.
*If the only way you can get your needs met is by repeating yourself and begging for what you want, you will become resentful and your self-esteem will take a blow
*What you want and desire is very reasonable. I hope you get what you want and deserve :kiss:
 
i think this is manifested in different ways for men, different, but very particular and consistent ways.

op let me tell you a couple of stories about my experiences with this.

just for context, i am usually very good and comfortable with intimacy. i was always comfortable with sexual intimacy and through the process of a couple of worthwhile long term relationships i became comfortable with relationship intimacy. (vulnerability was one of those things i had to grow on.) so i have a lot of experience with the sexual connection; the way you are open and connecting with your partner during sex.

i had a bf who the first time we slept together it was obvious to me he was blocking the connection. the entire relationship we struggled to connect with each other during sex because he was guarded and had walls up. we had a few blissful times together in the honeymoon period, which tricked me into thinking i just had to get past his barriers. but after awhile, he would close right back off again. there was only a sweet spot of window of him being willing to connect with me, and that wasn't who he was - the guarded closed off afraid to connect person was who he was.

so, ok, i learned from that. second example: i had a friend with benefits. now for me, if i have a "FWB" there actually is a friend component to the relationship; not just the FB thing. so we were cool enough for him to tell me, during one bout of our off and on FWB relationship (depending on what we had going on with real life dating, it wasn't consistent) that he had developed impotence from masturbating too much. apparently there's a new thing called Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. what this meant for him was that he would masturbate out of boredom and not even being aroused and eventually, since he had trained himself to complete masturbation with a penis that wasn't even fully erect, normal arousal and normal sexual functioning just stopped.

you know what i else though? i went right on and connected this to his discomfort with intimacy. we were hooking up (due to his little problem :giggle: the sexual relationship was different, but still prsent) and we were literally talking and in contact all day every day and yet... when we were together, even though we'd have a great time, i felt uncomfortable being able to be affectionate with him. he was the kind of guy who would take it the wrong way and to mean a whole different coloring book of nonsense if i randomly wanted to hug up on him or kiss him. and if i had to have some stupid conversation and reassuring him that i wasnt catching "feelings" for him every time i wanted to touch him, like, that's just stupid and too much work for me. i have had no strings attached relationships with the full blast of physical affection that stayed no strings the whole time. so his weird reaction to physical affection being to the point where i felt like i couldn't even be nice to him, like, there's too much going on for me and i don't have time to be banging someone who freaks out if i want to hold his hand.

now... im not saying these things are ALWAYS related and connected. BUUUUUT, if you do notice any funny business with masturbation or inability to function properly during sex... keep the antennae up.
 
This is opposite of my and DH. I dont like to touch people and im not good with hugging, holding hands and even kissing :look: while he is. i get up and go find food after coloring and he wants to cuddle. We have kinda adapted to each other and make it work.
 
My guy was more touchy than I was but now I'm catching up. Not sure if it has to do with feeling more secure or happy or falling in love but I caught up.
Not so much with the kisses though. He still outdoes me there.
 
Thanks @CaraWalker for the examples! I'm going to outright ask him if he prefers masturbating over sex. If I stay for the week, he won't masturbate. But we only have sex like 2 or 3 times a week. We work 14 hour days so physically i wouldn't mind having sex more, but mentally I'm just not there.
 
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