Yo-Yo Relationships~

[tibb1908]

I really don’t like giving relationship advice to anyone however my niece (we’re 4 years apart in our 40‘s yep~40’s) she keeps asking me for advice about her on and off again relationship of 10 years. Yes, I said 10 and I’m annoyed thinking about this relationship. I’ve never given her any. We’re really close and I try to keep my opinions to myself regarding this relationship. There wasn’t any cheating but the relationship is tumultuous in my opinion (outside looking in). I want to tell her to just end it and be done with it. They tried to get back together two years ago but she went through his things at his house and she asked questions about woman in his journal and he broke up with her because he said that she didn’t trust him. They stay “friends” through each of the breakups even when he’s dating other people. Eventually, he started calling her (same cycle) and taking up all her time on the phone I mean hours this was in February after a breakup. These are times that I feel he’s emotionally abusive because he knows she’ll take his calls and he uses her to get over his last relationship. The last time he broke up (I say broke up but they weren’t a couple and he reminded her that they are just friends but acted like a couple w/o sex he said he didn’t want to confuse things in the relationship) with her was at the end of November or maybe it was a mutual decision. She took him on a romantic weekend and he refused to sleep with her and of course she was upset. He contacted her today and asked for another chance ( of course I rolled my when she asked me should she do it) mind you he told her that he wasn’t in love with her but he loves her and wants to go to counseling to try to fix it. He said that he wants to get married to her but again he isn’t in love with her. I feel drained writing this seriously.

*****I don’t understand this and I’m sighing thinking about this messy relationship.

I think he uses her as an emotional crutch, he’s toxic, he says that he’s a lot to deal with, he’s spoiled and he knows that she’ll take him back.

I know we’re not therapist but what would you say to her although I don’t think it will matter. I’m really at a loss because I would have been done with this situation a long time ago. I want to tell her that she is enough, she’s worthy of love from someone who loves and respects her and who will put her first. I don’t know if I will say something however my niece is one of my best friends and I want her to be happy but I know he’s not the one for her.

 

[Plushottie]

She enjoys this game so I wouldn’t say anything. She will have to be broken on her own and until then it’s none of your business as any logic will be passively anger her. Codependency at its finest.

 

[Lylddlebit]

After 10 years of foolishness, any hope of healthy marriage between her and that man is gone for good and she will only endure the unacceptable if she continues to stay. Since you don't typically offer advice and she is directly asking you for it, that is an advantage to reach her. It positions your authenticity to be received. Tell her the truth then let it be.

ETA:
You can't make her make good decisions, but you can be one authentic person in her life, who has her best interest at heart. It is obvious that she needs that.

 

[Bette Davis Eyes]

That one thing that help me move on was regret for the time I wasted. I can never get back those years or feminine energy. Its going to be a bitter pill for her to swallow and you being as genuine as you can will help her. Even if she doesnt realize it at the time.

 

[Browndilocks]

At this point the only way of helping her would be 100% unfiltered honesty. Whether she chooses to listen is on her, but how can you say you care about her yet sit back and not say anything? You really want your niece to marry someone who outright said he isn't in love with her? IDC how close we are in age, I'd default to auntie bear mode. I will never understand how people can say they're close to someone and literally sit back and watch as they make fools of themselves. You owe it to her as her aunt to put it out there. If she's asking for your opinion you should tell her, because that's the type of friend she needs. Sometimes people are stuck pretending and as long as they have others pretending with them, nothing will change.