Wow, I became the girls I looked down on, who am I?

[SurferBabe]

I just came out of a year long relationship in which I was engaged. I'm mid-twenties and he's early twenties. When I met him he really didn't have anything going for himself but a part-time job and no HS Diploma, but he said he had aspirations of becoming rich, and I believed him.

I made more than him and often paid for stuff. When he lost his job I bought us food, bought him gas, and gave him a little money for himself. He looked for work but there are not many opportunities without a HS Diploma. I was laid off and we were both out of work which made things hard for us. He was very kind, caring, loving, etc... but he really didn't seem to have aspirations to provide. Some men will go rake leaves everyday in order to make sure they have the things they need. I had to ask my mother/father for money most of the time.

I became very down and depressed because of this. I always wanted more for my life and realized I wasn't where I wanted to be at my age. The more depressed I became, the more depressed he became. So I broke up with him because I needed time to work on myself. We agreed that once I got better, we would work on us. He said he would spend this time working on himself as well--getting a GED, finding a job, etc... He said he wasn't looking to be with anyone else, nor was I.

Three days after the breakup, he meets an 18 year old college freshman. A week later they start spending a lot of time together and get intimate. Now three weeks have passed and he has said that though he loves me, he's conflicted as to who he wants. They have actually started talking about their future together. His family hates her and loves me, and they have told me that he said he's with her because she's working on being a doctor so she's going to be rich and he doesn't have to worry about money with her. They are living off of her student loan money. Obviously his family believes he has lost his mind and that he has become obsessed with money--something he never cared much about before.

I've been so depressed lately because I feel like he replaced me with someone who can provide. I realized how stupid it is for a woman to feel this way. He's in his twenties depending on an 18 year old to buy him food and here I am upset that she can provide what I can't. I sound just like the women I looked down on, but now I realize that love can make you irrational.

I need some tough love. Why was I so dumb??

 

[Raine054]

I don't even know where to start.....

You dodged a bullet. A huge bullet. Be grateful and find someone who can and will provide for you.

 

[Keshieshimmer]

I think firecrackercan give you that tough love.

Well love makes you feel irrational at times. He sounds pretty lame and you clearly know this. Yeah that 18 year old, she probably won't make it through undergrad. Just change your number now before he starts calling you again.

 

[Sunnrayy]

One word. LOVE. Girl RUN FOR THE HILLS! And be HAPPY HE IS SUCH AN IDIOT AND SHOWED HIS TRUE COLORS. Look I'm gonna give you the tough love you asked for. Im in my late twenties and I've been where you are. Only difference is my guy was almost 40. He fell on hard times and I was buying him food, and gas, loaning him money etc. because when he had money he did things for me. But I soon realized that he was just looking to be taken CARE OF under the guise of chasing his dream. He had no intention on finding a job while he pursued this dream. I WAS HIS JOB/PAY DAY. Where he went wrong: i am NOT A SUGA MOMMA. We had this same sort of scenario and brother was on to the next who could help him financially. I recently had a talk with some girlfriends about how roles seemed to have reversed and especially where I live out in Cali brothers are looking to be taken care of financially by their women. Whether an old sugar momma or a young one. They just want to be taken care of and don't want to work. Since women are so independent and holding down well paying jobs, a lot of men feel that they can ride on the coat tails of successful women with low sef esteem who will sponsor a man just to say they have one. The mere fact that you are questioning how you became this woman you despise shows you AIN'T THAT CHICK. AGAIN I SAY RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK. He is a male jigolo and looking for a free ride, you see it doesn't matter from who girl. An 18 yr old?!! Really dude. Let him be the almost pedophile and for sure gold digging male heaux that he is and MOVE ON.

 

[kismettt]

"respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that doesn't serve you, grow you, or make you happy".

love yourself first. prioritize yourself. if you love yourself, you can never imagine accepting someone who isn't on your level and can't provide you with what you need from a relationship. no one should be with someone who brings them down or doesn't build/improve their life in many ways. self-love is a necessity and starting point. when you love yourself, you know your limits and what you are willing to accept and what you absolutely will not.

one quality that is a must for me is having your own that is equivalent to mine (job, degree, car, financially responsible, etc) + exhibiting the values that i find necessary (ambition, drive, etc).

this 18 year old is young & foolish to support someone else on a debt that she will have to pay back on her own. but you are older and you know better now. and honestly, looking at the qualities you listed (kind, caring, loving). those are all things you can find in yourself. what does he have to offer you that upgrades or adds value to your life? in comparison to what he does that negates it.

you saw the quality of his character and how he leads his life. and if anything, this affirms it. this is him showing you very clearly who he is. and you have the opportunity to leave him be. and better, to really think about what you need, want, and require. don't settle--you are better than that, you deserve more than that.

but you have to believe it & know it.

 

[mallysmommy]

and they have told me that he said he's with her because she's working on being a doctor so she's going to be rich and he doesn't have to worry about money with her.

this would dry up my tears with the quickness....hell to the naw playa these birds are meant for each other.........

 

[kismettt]

& clearly looking down on people and thinking "it could never be me" didn't work. so adjusting that pedestal could be a starting point. knowing your worth doesn't mean that you have to look down on others who aren't there yet.


it was you.

and knowing it can and or was you is probably a good reminder moving forward. "never again".

 

[DarkJoy]

Your story is almost identical to mine! Sheeeeit!

Raine is correct. Be glad it happened.

Imagine this story in twenty years, which is how long it took me to realize what you have!!!! I kept trying and trying to make him happy and to provide more and more. These men are spoiled, have no aspirations for themselves and are chronically depressed. You become their co-dependent. How do I know? I lived it day in and day out.

Like yours, 2 months after the separation, he's claiming he's in love with the only enemy in the world I have. A woman who betrayed me years ago trying to get at him...I'm sure she's a great provider too. She can have that mess. He's almost 40, never had a real job, and at his age---good luck. If they last, they will spend their golden years on the streets since he will spend every dime she makes--as he did me.

Don't be co-dependent. Work through your depression--I bet 80% of it was having to deal with him. BTDT got the life-long t-shirt. You are worth more than a pocketbook. He is less than a man--he is a boy who was probably spoiled by his mother and never learned to care for himself, like my ex.

And you know what? Play mother to your own child when you have one. Not to a grown man who should have learned how to navigate his own way through this world.

You will be ten times the woman his current heaux is. He will never be a man. You win.

 

[NYAmicas]

Obviously his family believes he has lost his mind and that he has become obsessed with money--something he never cared much about before.

I've been so depressed lately because I feel like he replaced me with someone who can provide. I realized how stupid it is for a woman to feel this way. He's in his twenties depending on an 18 year old to buy him food and here I am upset that she can provide what I can't. I sound just like the women I looked down on, but now I realize that love can make you irrational.

I need some tough love. Why was I so dumb??

Oh he cared about money before, as long as it's not expected of him to provide it.

Yes love can make one behave irrationally but interspersed in your OP, there is also some awareness gleaming through. He is a textbook user OP and most likely this 18 year old will also realize in time how he is a restriction more than a comeup. Using her for her loan money? They're discussing the future so soon? Unless she is a super genius the DR. path is a way from now and I dont see them lasting. *Hugs* Yes ma'am he is a glaring RED SIGN. Do not want.

 

[SurferBabe]

& clearly looking down on people and thinking "it could never be me" didn't work. so adjusting that pedestal could be a starting point. knowing your worth doesn't mean that you have to look down on others who aren't there yet.


it was you.

and knowing it can and or was you is probably a good reminder moving forward. "never again".

I definitely agree. This was my mother and it was very hard on us growing up and watching her take care of men and never have anything for herself. I always told myself that I would NEVER do that, but the high aspirations that I had for my life didn't come through when I expected. I lowered my standards because I didn't believe I was worthy of someone who could and would support me. Now I am working on myself and trying once again to get where I want to be. I felt so threatened by this girl because at that age, I had all of my plans laid out and just KNEW I would be successful at this age, and I'm not.

 

[loveafterwar]

True Kang in the makings lol. "I'm a young loser looking for 2 women to take care of me because I have no desire to do anything myself. Woe is me for having to make such a tough decision on who to choose." Gimme a break dude. He did you a huge favor.

 

[Barbieglamour]

I'm sorry you're hurting OP. But you need to know you can do and deserve better. This is not the kinda man you want to be sad or feel you "lost" something over.

sounds like he's a user. certified Kang.

what kinda man rides on the cutails and accomplishments of a woman. sounds like he wants to be the girl in the relationship while the woman wears the pants. There wont be any leading or providing from this dude right here.

 

[Sunnrayy]

I definitely agree. This was my mother and it was very hard on us growing up and watching her take care of men and never have anything for herself. I always told myself that I would NEVER do that, but the high aspirations that I had for my life didn't come through when I expected. I lowered my standards because I didn't believe I was worthy of someone who could and would support me. Now I am working on myself and trying once again to get where I want to be. I felt so threatened by this girl because at that age, I had all of my plans laid out and just KNEW I would be successful at this age, and I'm not.

Why would you feel threatened by her? EdgyGirl don't do that to yourself
I KNOW you feel down but this little girl doesn't realize who he is and you DO. REALIZE THAT GOD HAS BLESSED YOU AND SHOWN YOU THIS MAN'S TRUE COLORS. GOD HAS PROTECTED YOU FROM HURT THAT WOULD AND COULD AFFECT YOUR LIFE IN A HORRIBLE WAY.
The last thing you should feel is threatened. You should feel SORRY for her. Because right now she doesn't see what you have been blessed to see about him.

Also, this really doesn't matter but I will say it any way. At that age, WE ALL THINK WE HAVE OUR LIVES FIGURED OUT. BUT BABY, WE ALL SEE AT SOME POINT THAT WE WERE ACTUALLY IN FOR A RUDE AWAKENING. It's called LIFE. I think Maya Angelou put it best "Life for me ain't been no crystal stair....."

Life is hard and full of trials and tribulations. This is one of yours but GOD can bring you out better on the other end. I know it's hard for you to grasp now because you still love him, but God is trying to teach you something right now and he will often keep on presenting us with the SAME test until we pass it and learn the lesson.

 

[Jasmataz]

He's a lazy bum who wants his woman to take care of him. Don't feel bad that you can't provide for him, you shouldn't have to provide for any man. Find someone who wants to provide for YOU. And he's not in love with that girl, he's in love with what she can do for him.

You said that he told you "he's conflicted as to who he wants", well make it easy for him by removing yourself as one of his "options". You're better than that. Find you a man who wants to be with you, and ONLY you.

I'm not going to lie, there were a lot of obvious red flags from the jump. No GED, only one part-time job, allowing you to give him money for food, gas, etc.

Please don't feel sad. Be excited that you dodged this massive bullet, and you can go out here and find you a real man. Please, please, please, cut him off immediately, and never talk to him again!

 

[SurferBabe]

Thank you ladies, and all of this reasoning made sense over a year ago, but something went terribly wrong in my thinking. I had to leave college for financial reasons and I beat myself up over it, especially since I wasn't able to attend full-time to finish in 4 years. I just always knew I'd have a Ph.D someday, and here I am with not even a 4-year degree to my name. From that point on I just felt like I didn't deserve better. I made okay money, but nothing like what I would have made with a degree. I settled for less because I figured no educated man would want me. Now here I am, and I see this girl with youth and a bright future (Doctor) with the guy I once loved. Of course I dodged a bullet, thank goodness, but it hurts.

 

[SurferBabe]

He's a lazy bum who wants his woman to take care of him. Don't feel bad that you can't provide for him, you shouldn't have to provide for any man. Find someone who wants to provide for YOU. And he's not in love with that girl, he's in love with what she can do for him.

You said that he told you "he's conflicted as to who he wants", well make it easy for him by removing yourself as one of his "options". You're better than that. Find you a man who wants to be with you, and ONLY you.

I'm not going to lie, there were a lot of obvious red flags from the jump. No GED, only one part-time job, allowing you to give him money for food, gas, etc.

Please don't feel sad. Be excited that you dodged this massive bullet, and you can go out here and find you a real man. Please, please, please, cut him off immediately, and never talk to him again!

I've already done that and it felt good, but it's hard. You can't fully get over someone if you are still talking to them so I am no longer going to speak with him. What made me keep doubting myself is that he kept telling me he loved me and wanted us to be together again. It borders on emotional abuse by drawing me in and then letting me down. I know God is watching after me and protecting me from him, I just need to trust Him.

 

[Barbieglamour]

I've already done that and it felt good, but it's hard. You can't fully get over someone if you are still talking to them so I am no longer going to speak with him. What made me keep doubting myself is that he kept telling me he loved me and wanted us to be together again. It borders on emotional abuse by drawing me in and then letting me down. I know God is watching after me and protecting me from him, I just need to trust Him.

@EdgyGirl

I've had one situation like this: I changed my number, deactivated/deleted my social networking accts and studied abroad. As miserable as I was I still put concentrated effort in keeping busy, improving and diversifying MYSELF in pursuit of MY goals & dreams. It worked.

Not saying its the best solution for you, but sometimes you gotta go cold turkey. Maybe you should consider a new cell num or move or something of that sort. Either way you need to take the focus off of him--what he's doing, what he's thinking, what he did--and place the focus back on yourself. Remember, you cant change the past, you cant change other people and the only person you can control is yourself. what's done is done time for you to KIM. Clearly he is't thinking about or worried about your well-being or happiness, why waste any more energies on someone who's only concern is themselves. Focus on YOU doing/being better from this situation. Trust me, moving on and your success will heal wounds a lot faster than you think.

"Don't make someone a priority when to them you're only an option."

Dude is a nonfactor now.

 

[Mortons]

You need to CELEBRATE! Jump for joy! Do a church praise dance when they play the 'falling out music'! Girl, he just FREED YOU! You can now find you a man who is worth of your time, feelings and respect. A man who will contribute to you and your household emotionally, financially, and mentally. You have SOOOOOO many good things coming your way by letting go of this road to nowhere relationship!

 

[SeatownSista]

Wow, how pathetic. That man is not worth pining over. His new fool/girlfriend has a long way to go before becoming a doctor and her future is looking quite dismal if she is planning on spending her future with that loser, racking up student loan debt to support him.

 

[awhyley]

I think @firecrackercan give you that tough love.

Along with ThatJerseyGirl since she doesn't take any prisoners.
OP you are so lucky, you should be on your knees thanking God for taking that fool out of your life.
This is one where time will definitely heal your wounds.

 

[Anakinsmomma]

You dodged a bullet OP. He does not sound like a provider and if that's what you want, you need to keep looking.

Try not to look at it as him replacing you. How could he replace such a beautiful hardworking young woman with a youngling who is so short sighted she is using her student loan money to support a grown arse man? He just found the first young thang to stroke his ego.

As for the looking down on part, well, lesson learned. You never know where you might end up.

 

[Anakinsmomma]

Thank you ladies, and all of this reasoning made sense over a year ago, but something went terribly wrong in my thinking. I had to leave college for financial reasons and I beat myself up over it, especially since I wasn't able to attend full-time to finish in 4 years. I just always knew I'd have a Ph.D someday, and here I am with not even a 4-year degree to my name. From that point on I just felt like I didn't deserve better. I made okay money, but nothing like what I would have made with a degree. I settled for less because I figured no educated man would want me. Now here I am, and I see this girl with youth and a bright future (Doctor) with the guy I once loved. Of course I dodged a bullet, thank goodness, but it hurts.

Yea, I thought I was gonna be a Dr too at 18. 12 years later I'm in the Nypd taking nursing classes. Stuff happens, her future is NOT guaranteed. And using her financial aid to support that kang... If she doesn't get rid of him soon (don't have his baby girl!) she might max out her financial aid.

And what's keeping you from going back to school? It's never too late.

 

[FrazzledFraggle]

I feel like I keep repeating myself but i know this is not the Christian forum. I just can't help but see most things through spiritual lenses. I really feel like God's hand was in this situation and that he took something from you because you wouldn't let go of it on your own. That relationship was not for you and God in His grace and mercy helped out out of that situation. Now, you just need to let him go and move on. It will hurt for awhile but it is for the best. What a blessing that God intervened.

Lesson: God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

[OhTall1]

Walk away and be grateful that you were able to see him for was he truly is before you got married and established a family with him.

 

[closertomydreams]

Girl, you should thank your lucky stars that you're not with him any longer. He will only drag that new girl down to his level. Be proud of yourself for noticing the signs and making the decision to not be with him.

 

[Fine 4s]

I think @firecrackercan give you that tough love.

Well love makes you feel irrational at times. He sounds pretty lame and you clearly know this. Yeah that 18 year old, she probably won't make it through undergrad. Just change your number now before he starts calling you again.

Coming from what I just had to listen to, firecracker is tough but she is understanding as well, she won't put you down. Some are just...well, I ain't judging. We ALL have moments where we don't make the best decisions.

Where hopeful at?

 

[spelmanlocks]

It's easy to get caught up when your heart is involved. You aren't the first woman to lose their common sense over a guy. Just take it as a learning less and promise yourself you won't make the same mistake again.

Now this little boy you were dating is not ready for an adult relationship. He sounds very immature by going around and depending on various women to fund his life. He does not sound interested in getting a GED and no decent paying job is going to hire someone without at least a high school diploma. I can guarantee you over time you would get tired of paying for everything and you would become very resentful of him when he constantly has his hand in your pocket and has nothing to give back.

 

[mychai]

OP - I'm actually very proud of you for leaving him when you saw how this relationship was affecting you. I know you intended to get back together, but like everyone is saying YOU DODGED A BULLET!!

Please don't ever feel like you are some pathetic woman. You knew your worth, that's why you left. *** this guy and don't feel anger towards the new girl. She truly truly deserves your pity, because at 18, this guy is all set to pull a number on her.

 

[firecracker]

NEVER BECOME THE MAN IN A RELATIONSHIP!! A REAL MAN WOULD NEVER TAKE MONEY FROM A WOMAN. He is a user/gigoloo that is why he is on the next chick that can provide for him.

Please stop talking to his lying arse pack of gypsies called family. If they were worth a grain of salt they would have disowned his arse for his trif behavior when he dropped outta high school not to mention watching him take advantage of a woman. He was all about the money from the giddy it up with you.

You should be very thankful you are rid of him and who cares about the newest chick he is going to use for money. As long as you are not her you should be jumping for joy. At least now you no longer have to be the chick that you said you'd never be. Its time to getcho life together and have higher standards the next love go round. We all live and learn. Your pain will subside and hopefully you will grow from this horrid experience.

Be very grateful for your family because you were lucky they gave you one red hot cent while having a loser nonproducer on your arm. Remember anybody can tell you what they want but the proof is in the pudding aka their actions. Next time allow a man to be a man to you. Don't listen to the words that are coming out of his mouth, look at his actions. Have some standards for the next one. If he doesn't have a diploma high school or otherwise he can't do a damn thing for himself let alone for anyone else.

You deserve more and better. Don't waddle to long in his piss because now is the time to work on getting your own life together. He gon be 30 looking dumb and stupid. I'm sure he will be trying to get his next paycheck pregnant to seal the deal.

It going to work out you just gotta put in some real work on yourself and move past this dummy behavior.

 

[Evolving78]

& clearly looking down on people and thinking "it could never be me" didn't work. so adjusting that pedestal could be a starting point. knowing your worth doesn't mean that you have to look down on others who aren't there yet.


it was you.

and knowing it can and or was you is probably a good reminder moving forward. "never again".

THIS! you never know what turns you may take in life. you just have to learn, move on, and go forward. but you need to let this one ride. he doesn't want to be responsible. just imagine if you were to get pregnant by him?