Would you force your daughter to transition?

[JustKiya]

Force? No.

But I wouldn't pay for her relaxers, or for any of her hair upkeep. If she wants a relaxer, she'll have to work/babysit to pay for it, because I will not. Period. And she doesn't have a choice until she's 16, either. She will be natural, until then.

I'd be kinda sad, if she chose to get a relaxer, but - her hair, her choice.

 

[hothair]

When you say "teenage" how old is that? i.e closer to twelve or to 18? If she's closer to twelve then I think you're very nice to let her have an install, how long is her hair? Maybe what you want to start doing is styling her own hair, ie flat iron once a week, and the wng/ braid outs till the next wash. She needs to learn how to maintain her own hair.

If she's closer to 18 you both may have to compromise. Speak to her about wanting to relax - make sure its not a frustrated whim - same with most transitioners.

Show her pics of her damaged relaxed hair and two set regimens, one for relaxed the other for natural make it clear either way she can't ignore her hair or it'll be chewed up.

I think in this case you would have to respect her choice if she still wants to relax but let her sign an undertaking that she sticks to the relaxed regimen (eg wash, DC once a week etc, how frequently she touches up ) anytime she falls off she gets to pay for her own touch up, or get a touch up a LOT later than the agreed time(ie you agreed 8 weeks, no maintenance= 12 weeks)- at least it'll help stretch her relaxers that way.

Good luck BTW don't have a daughter but is based on my mum refusing me a relaxer till I ended up doing it without her knowledge when I was with my cousins. I was about 11 and she refused to pay for another relaxer and I ended up back natural, mad, but natural

 

[msa]

My best friend did this to her daughter who is 13. She resents her mother so much because of this.

My friend pretty much stopped taking her to get a relaxer and get her hair done regularly. What's frustrating is that she hasn't educated herself on how to take care of her transitioning hair. So she leaves it up to the daughter to do her own hair. this results is a matted, dry, shedding mess.

Her daughter begs her to get it blow dried and flat ironed, but my friend refuses. She is natural herself, and is very militant. And has this mindset of 'not conforming to what society thinks is beautiful'. Her daughter goes to a predominantly white school, and she gets picked on constantly. Her hair is usually a mess, so that makes it worse. I try to talk my friend in at least compromising, but she doesn't want to hear it.

Lately she's been letting her get kinky twists, but the bullying and teasing at school hasn't stopped. Her daughter still begs for a relaxer, and now her family has resorted to 'telling off' my friend for 'doing that' to her hair.

Her hair hasn't grown much, and looks even worse than when it was relaxed.

exactly, it totally affects her right now. and she is a bit darker, so they call her names like midnite and blackie,nappy head. sigh. im not in the same state as them, so i can't help physically.
i did tell her of the forum, but she's not interested. and she also monitors her daughters computer activity, which she should, but it always goes back to square one of the daughter asking for a relaxer/blow out etc. its no getting through to the mother.

The issue with your friend isn't forcing her child to be natural. The issue is her neglecting her child's hair. I've been natural my whole life (went to an all white wealthy school) and I was in foster care so I didn't have anybody helping me with my hair or taking me to a salon and I still didn't go to school with my hair looking a mess.

Since the child is 13, and can clearly do her hair on her own, why don't you send her a care package? Put in it a wide tooth comb, goody ouchless bands, shampoo/conditioners/moisturizer, and write her up a little regimen that she can follow when her hair isn't in the kinky twists. Since she can't access the board, you can give her the tools to help take care of her hair herself. In fact, you could say they're your extra products and let her mom know that you thought her daughter could use them since you'll never get to them all. That way she doesn't think you're trying to overstep her and that it's just a nice gesture.

I think it would be a valuable lesson for the girl to learn that her hair is manageable without a chemical and without heat. And she won't be able to figure that out by herself.

 

[envybeauty]

With the right products and techniques, you can press and flat iron natural 4b hair without it reverting a day later even in the south. On the flip side, not every relaxed head leads to breakage/dryness. With proper application, conditioning, etc., relaxed hair can be very healthy.

That said, I would explore options with her. Buy some hair magazines and look at pics to see what she likes and what she is willing to wear. Everything from Alicia Keyes type braids, Gabby Union/Bev Johnson type weaves, Jada Pinkett presses, etc. and then look into maintenance, products, etc. Silicon mix, Sabino Moisture block, Chi Silk infusion, Keracare Hydrating Poo, Aphogee 2 step....... all products that people have praised above others for different reasons. Clarifying, sealing, crown & glory............all techniques that people have used to accomplish different things.

I would not force her to do anything, especially I was not that knowledgeable about the road ahead.

 

[msa]

She is 15 years old.

Yes, 'force' is a harsh word. I guess I am not really forcing her because I havent said transition or else!!!! But, she keeps complaining that she wants a relaxer and I continue to encourage her to stick with the transition so that we can get her healthy again!

She is very happy with the progress thus far, just frustrated with all the work that it takes ( detangling is a big chore for us) and with the heat and humidity when it frizzes her hair.

I can braid really well so I do all the styling ( she even has her friends asking me to braid their hair...LOL) ....I think microbraids are next on the list!!!

ETA: the reason for the transition is because of chemical damage. The stylist left relaxer in the back of her head and it was not until I said no more relaxers, did her hair start to grow back. ( almost 2 years!!!!)

Force isn't a harsh word. She's your child, you get to make these decisions and she has to follow along. Granted, it probably seems stupid to her because you let her be relaxed in the first place...but when you know better you do better. Actually, if the only reason you're doing this is because of chemical damage, that may be why she's having a hard time. She may just be thinking, well why can't I have a relaxer and just avoid chemical damage.

Anyway, since you can braid then there's no reason she can't stay fly in braided styles. I'd caution against microbraids because they can really tear up the edges, even when people are careful. But regular sized braids look really cute too.

 

[brucebettye]

I have no children, but talk to your daughter about her hair goals and what she really wants. I remember my mother did my hair until I was about 13. I had bsl hair and loved it being natural. But once I got a perm and over a period of six months it broke off to ear length and I was so upset. I cried for weeks. What you may want to do is find styles that she likes and give her a year to see if she likes it before she considers perming it again. Your daughter may be so impressed with the hair growth that she may not want a perm again. Just keep on talking with your daughter to let her know that your are there to help her no matter what.

 

[Leeda.the.Paladin]

Well I hope that I will never have a daughter that was once relaxed and has to transition...meaning I hope my daughter/s will be natural and hopefully I can instill in them a love for their hair.

Now...would I make my daughter transition if, hypothetically, she was relaxed? Yes. My house, my rules, no chemicals

 

[shasha8685]

My mom made me transition after my first relaxer (at age 12) broke my hair off really badly. My mom basically washed my hair weekly and kept it braided. During the summer, I had cornrows (which I hated getting only because she braids so hard) and during the school year, my mom would put 2 french braids in my hair and I would keep it moving.

Ultimately, what my mom said went. She saw that my hair was breaking off and it didn't do that prior to relaxing so she set out to fix it. If/when I have kids, I would probably do the same thing if that were to happen to my daughter.

 

[CandiedLipgloss]

That's so sad-children are so mean sometimes!! Have you told your friend about the board?

I did, but it doesnt look like shes interested in joining.

 

[Taina]

I will make all the possible to make her hair healthy with or iwthout a relaxer. If she want to have her hair relaxed i will definetely try that she have a beautifull hair, but if we can't keep her hair beatifull, not breaking off or falling out, i will deffinetely force her to transition or to chop it all off.

The hair is so important in a woman's life, and if there is one girl i will not like to see with ugly/damage hair, is my daughter.

 

[CandiedLipgloss]

Thank you for this advice. I have suggested many things, most she bought and said it didn't work. But you are right. i will send her a package. That's a good idea.

The issue with your friend isn't forcing her child to be natural. The issue is her neglecting her child's hair. I've been natural my whole life (went to an all white wealthy school) and I was in foster care so I didn't have anybody helping me with my hair or taking me to a salon and I still didn't go to school with my hair looking a mess.

Since the child is 13, and can clearly do her hair on her own, why don't you send her a care package? Put in it a wide tooth comb, goody ouchless bands, shampoo/conditioners/moisturizer, and write her up a little regimen that she can follow when her hair isn't in the kinky twists. Since she can't access the board, you can give her the tools to help take care of her hair herself. In fact, you could say they're your extra products and let her mom know that you thought her daughter could use them since you'll never get to them all. That way she doesn't think you're trying to overstep her and that it's just a nice gesture.

I think it would be a valuable lesson for the girl to learn that her hair is manageable without a chemical and without heat. And she won't be able to figure that out by herself.

 

[Anew]

Yes I did, she had her hair texlaxed ONE time back in 2007 and I just let it grow out. I cut the straighter ends off earlier this year. She just turned 10 on the 4th

I have always loved her hair, I believe we have the same hair type so I'm excited to see what my natural hair will look like. She doesn't think I'll go through with it.

 

[CocoBunny]

How did she get the original relaxer? Did she sneak off and get it?

If not then I am confused as to why if she was permitted to get the relaxer she should be forced to transition.

My thinking is that if I chose to my daughters hair, then it's up to me to maintain the relaxer and the health of her hair.

The whole my house my rules thing really doesn't apply because if I am the one who allowed the relaxer to take place.

Now if she snuck off a got the relaxer with out my permission, that's a completely different story.

 

[ladytee2]

The issue with your friend isn't forcing her child to be natural. The issue is her neglecting her child's hair. I've been natural my whole life (went to an all white wealthy school) and I was in foster care so I didn't have anybody helping me with my hair or taking me to a salon and I still didn't go to school with my hair looking a mess.

Since the child is 13, and can clearly do her hair on her own, why don't you send her a care package? Put in it a wide tooth comb, goody ouchless bands, shampoo/conditioners/moisturizer, and write her up a little regimen that she can follow when her hair isn't in the kinky twists. Since she can't access the board, you can give her the tools to help take care of her hair herself. In fact, you could say they're your extra products and let her mom know that you thought her daughter could use them since you'll never get to them all. That way she doesn't think you're trying to overstep her and that it's just a nice gesture.

I think it would be a valuable lesson for the girl to learn that her hair is manageable without a chemical and without heat. And she won't be able to figure that out by herself.

That is a great idea.

 

[DDTexlaxed]

As a kid, I was forced to relax my hair. My mother was uneducated about it and each time she did my touch ups, she would relax my whole head. I was under the assumption that I needed a relaxer until I learned about transitioning here. It will probably take her time to adjust her thinking. She is young and natural hair is not as popular as relaxed hair seems to be. I hope everything works out for the best.

 

[MRJ1972]

Thanks Ladies for all of your suggestions and advice!!!

I encouraged my daughter to try to make it through the winter months without getting relaxer and see how it goes.

She absolutely loves the natural hair she had as a child, but she is not interested in the discipline it takes to getting it back to that state! ( typical teen-no patience )

Good news is that she has an older friend that she absolutely adores and looks up to who is also transitioning to natural, so whenever she complains, I always say "so and so" is still hanging there, you can do it.

If she just does not want to convert to natural after we get into the winter months, then I will take her to her old stylist that kept her hair really healthy...( however, I will be hating life, because this stylist is always booked and we spend all night at the salon!!!)