Would you date a man...

[dimechiq]

He treats you nicely, supports you, is there for you, and you're beginning to fall for him. He works everyday, a very hard worker. Is very very good looking, and pays his child support as he should.

But, he has a past reputation for constant cheating on his past wife (divorced 2-3 yrs ago) of which she had to leave because of it, they'd been married 8-9 yrs, and she left with children on her back, and he was constantly at the clubs every Fri, Sat and Sun nights?

And you know of a really nice girl he dated about 5 mos after the divorce and also treated her like dirt and supposedly gave her an STD.

Oh and from time to time this guy was (don't know about now) known to smoke "weed" periodically.

He says he has changed. Yes he has a job (40k/yr), but with 2 small kids for child support. You have a very good paying job and no children. And an excellent reputation of being true to your boyfriends no cheating or clubbing.


2.5-3 years later would you give this type of guy a chance? Do you think he would have changed after this and other drastic changes in his life? Is he worth it? Or would you move on and find another one. (oh and you are in your mid 30's)

 

[Zuleika]

No........

 

[dlewis]

People change and I understand that but No. How he treated his past GF's/ wives says alot to me.

 

[BrickbyBrick]

Things to consider:

1. Has he changed? How do you know besides what he's told you
2. Still smoking weed?
3. Making 40K and he's got child support he has to pay?

I'm not touching the feelings part. But your quality of life sounds like it'll take a hit, at the very least. Not leaning towards a yes on this one.

 

[chicitygirl]

Nope. He has no respect for women or marriage/relationships. If he cheated on his wife, the mother of his children, why would he treat the next woman any better? That plus the drug use and being broke thing, yeah I'm gonna say pass. He's a liability and a headache waiting to happen.

 

[dimechiq]

He hasn't said he still smokes but I know he "used" to.

What I "see" of him shows he's changed. But of course I'm not with him 24/7. He's nice to me and thats really all I know.

Yes the ex wife was really, really cheated on. Badly. And I have had a wall up with him. He's just come around during a very hard time in my life and I find myself depending on him (his convo, dates, support).

But I look at his past (used to club all the time, and the mistreatment of others) and I wonder at 40 has he changed enough for me to give him a chance? He still goes out to the club periodically but not as you used to....does this help anyone with giving advice?

 

[femalegold]

NO you will regret it later

 

[RockCreak]

Girlfriend...keep it movin...if you had to write it all out, you've already answered the questions yourself!

 

[dimechiq]

Things to consider:

1. Has he changed? How do you know besides what he's told you Treats me with respect and loves me
2. Still smoking weed? I haven't seen it. But when I'm not with him I don't know.
3. Making 40K and he's got child support he has to pay? Yes. 2 small children.

I'm not touching the feelings part. But your quality of life sounds like it'll take a hit, at the very least. Not leaning towards a yes on this one.

What if I say the above...

 

[BrickbyBrick]

He hasn't said he still smokes but I know he "used" to.

What I "see" of him shows he's changed. But of course I'm not with him 24/7. He's nice to me and thats really all I know.

Yes the ex wife was really, really cheated on. Badly. And I have had a wall up with him. He's just come around during a very hard time in my life and I find myself depending on him (his convo, dates, support).

But I look at his past (used to club all the time, and the mistreatment of others) and I wonder at 40 has he changed enough for me to give him a chance? He still goes out to the club periodically but not as you used to....does this help anyone with giving advice?

This is a red flag to me. Your dependence on him may be blinding you to things you might not want to see. Step back from it. Resolve the other areas of your life. This will help you get a better look at him. Good luck to you.

 

[dimechiq]

This is a red flag to me. Your dependence on him may be blinding you to things you might not want to see. Step back from it. Resolve the other areas of your life. This will help you get a better look at him. Good luck to you.

Yeap i think you are right. thx

 

[Ms_Delikate]

He hasn't said he still smokes but I know he "used" to.

What I "see" of him shows he's changed. But of course I'm not with him 24/7. He's nice to me and thats really all I know.

Yes the ex wife was really, really cheated on. Badly. And I have had a wall up with him. He's just come around during a very hard time in my life and I find myself depending on him (his convo, dates, support).

But I look at his past (used to club all the time, and the mistreatment of others) and I wonder at 40 has he changed enough for me to give him a chance? He still goes out to the club periodically but not as you used to....does this help anyone with giving advice?

Hmmmm why does this sound exactly like a guy I know...except he is not divorced yet (to my knowledge anyway)...leave that alone girl! Married and in the club...he may chill with you for a while but he may be headed right back to the club once you have a child at home and cannot join him.

 

[panamoni]

A couple of years ago, I would have probably said yes, because I was extremely optimistic and beleived what people said, especially about being able to change. Now, I'd say no -- I would not date someone like that. I now know that it takes more than resolve to change, it takes work.

Chances are, this guy hasn't done any work to change himself, then who he has shown himself to be in the past is who he still is, and I don't have time for that nonsense.

 

[Almaz]

Nope let it go it is something that he is telling you that you want to believe but it is not going to be so. He has left a lot of heartache and despair in his wake.

Would hate to see you on that path also..

You can do better

 

[CandiceC]

^^ I agree with Almaz. You can do better.


If he has really changed, he needs to try to rebuild his family.

 

[BrownieBrie]

((((sigh)))) You already know.

 

[dimechiq]

thx ladies. I didn't know all of this about him up front. after speaking with someone who knew his ex and then talking with others around town then i learned more about him. i'm thinking 2 -3 yrs may not have been enough time for him to "change".

 

[Bunny77]

You can do better

Exact words running through my mind.

Come on ladies, for real now... let's do better than settle for some scraps, 'k?

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

^^ I agree with Almaz. You can do better.


If he has really changed, he needs to try to rebuild his family.

This is the most key part for everything. If he has changed, then he would make right his relationship with the mother of his children and that woman only. This is why dating a man with a child just would be a big red flag.

 

[dimechiq]

This is the most key part for everything. If he has changed, then he would make right his relationship with the mother of his children and that woman only. This is why dating a man with a child just would be a big red flag.

I was told he begged n begged her back but she said no. she was tired.

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

He sounds really shaky.

 

[Almaz]

Oh cry me a river Of course she is tired you would be also if the father of your children and the man you vows in front of G-d and man played you like a fiddle and kept cheating on you. Most cheaters beg and beg to come home and if they do it is okay for a month or 2 and then they slip up and off to the races. C'mon now don't fall for that BS line.

OH baby please take me back this is the LAST time I will ever do that again

Oh I am so sorry I messed up take me back
Oh it won't happen again.

Even if she did and there are marriages that can become stronger after a cheating spouse in many cases it doesn't always happen that way. Because the the spouse that was cheated on is always going to have it in the back of their minds that okay he is going out HE SAYS he is going out with friends but I don't believe him. He says he is at his mothers but when I called he was not there Where was he.

Just thinking about all the distrust after that would stress me out

I was told he begged n begged her back but she said no. she was tired.

 

[Almaz]

Not only Shaky but highly shady

RUNNNNN Forest RUNNNNNNn

He sounds really shaky.

 

[Vinillablue]

HELL NO!!!!!!!....PLEAZZZZZZE!!!!!!.....Don't do it!!!!

 

[honeybuni84]

He hasn't said he still smokes but I know he "used" to.

What I "see" of him shows he's changed. But of course I'm not with him 24/7. He's nice to me and thats really all I know.

Yes the ex wife was really, really cheated on. Badly. And I have had a wall up with him. He's just come around during a very hard time in my life and I find myself depending on him (his convo, dates, support).

But I look at his past (used to club all the time, and the mistreatment of others) and I wonder at 40 has he changed enough for me to give him a chance? He still goes out to the club periodically but not as you used to....does this help anyone with giving advice?

still smoking weed at 40 ?!?!?!? much too old for that
ETA--- still in the club at 40 too?!?!?!?!?!? thats a young man's game. He needs to mature and wise up to life..

 

[caltron]

I would run and not even put any more thought into whether he can change. He sounds like a complete loser to me. He is the type that knows exactly what to do to get you to fall in love with him--and then he shows his true colors.

He treated the other two women like dirt and he will probably end up treating you like dirt too.

 

[Jazzmommy]

No...sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.. you will be next in line.

 

[MizAvalon]

Nope, wouldn't date the supposedly reformed cheater.

Oh, and 40K a year? Where does he live? Isn't that below the poverty level in most places?

 

[firecracker]

Dating isn't the same as courting. To me dating is simply getting to know someone and hanging out in the mean time. If your goal is marriage don't deal with that damn cheating fool. Did you know all this before you started dating him?

 

[texasqt]

thx ladies. I didn't know all of this about him up front. after speaking with someone who knew his ex and then talking with others around town then i learned more about him. i'm thinking 2 -3 yrs may not have been enough time for him to "change".

Are they telling you in terms of "girl he's a dog and you better watch out" or "girl he use to be such a player and he's a changed man now."? Listen to what they are telling you - it's either a red light or a green light that they are giving - you already know.