Workaholic BF's and SO's

[Overjoyed]

The guy I am currently seeing a a bonafide workaholic. We haven't been an item all that long (seeing each other since January and dating since April) but from day one it was evident that he was a workaholic.

He is a teacher by day and businessman every other free hour of the day. On the weekdays he works from 7am-7pm as a teacher and most of the time after work he is helping his 92 year old grandfather do something around his house. On the weekends he is either doing maintenance on the apartment building he owns, tending to one of his 3 lots by cutting the grass, tending to his used car lot or doing work on his website....it never stops!!!

He is very successful and has accomplished a great deal for someone of his age 37 and he admits that he has lost out on a lot of years of leisure and dating because of working so much (he has never had a serious relationship). Knowing that the school year was coming to an end on many occasions I have asked the same question, "So what are your plans for the summer" to the point where I think if he probably thinks I am crazy for asking the same question everytime we talk.

Anywho, this past Friday was the last day of classes and he now has the summer off so once again I asked him about his plans for the summer. His response was, "I have so much work to do with getting one of the apartments ready to rent and putting up the huge billboards up for businesses to rent to advertise on each lot that my summer is going to be a busy one". Oh yeah I forgot to mention he wants to buy a horse with his business partner and find a jockey to race it as a business investment.

This past weekend I dropped a hint about wanting to go to a bed & breakfast for the last 6 years, but it just never happened. His response was those bed & breakfasts are always in some crazy, way out place. Since we are in the early stages of our relationship I feel this is the best time to kinda/sorta in the most subtle way without sounding pushy to address his need to maintain a healthy balance between work and a relationship.

One of my male friends says I shouldn't say anything because I wanted an ambitious man, but my thought is there is a fine line between an ambitious man and a workaholic. My female friend on the other hand feels I should suggest to him flat out instead of beating around the bush about taking a mini-vacation. I'm trying to be rational and find the best approach to address this situation. There is part of me that is thinking if him & I were in a long term relationship maybe I wouldn't feel the way I do because the implication would be "he is doing this for us". And sometimes I feel if he doesn't make time for us to spend together for our relationship to grow it will never be that way because we won't last.

I hope I am not sounding selfish and bossy. Are my concerns valid? Also, what have been your own personal experience with workaholic boyfriends and husbands? And lastly what is the best approach to address this?

 

[Divine Inspiration]

I'm on my Blackberry so I'm not going to say everything but I'll be back.

For now, nip it in the bud NOW. I have dealt with several workaholics and as a busy woman myself, I can apprecuate the hustle. However, I can not and will not compete with a man's work for his attention. The situations worked out better when I addressed the issue early on instead of waiting. If you wait, they usually get resentful of you and the way you played it or they tell you they don't understand why this is 'all of a sudden' a big deal even though you've been peeved for months.

It doesn't sound like this man really has time for a relationship. He needs to understand that he cannot continue working fiftyleven hours a week and have a meaningful long-lasting relationship...especially not in the beginning. You have to put in that time and lay that foundation for the first year or so.

Have a sit down with him and just ask how he plans to govern himself. It's not about giving ultimatums and NO, you are not being selfish. A romantic relationship in its infancy can not grow and flourish off of 1.5 hours a week.

I had to learn the hard way that some men love work more than anything else and they'd rather WORK than be boo'd up with a woman. The fact that he's 37 and hasn't had a serious relationship sends up a red flag to me. He's been consistently choosing work over having a life or a relationship...he will have to CHANGE if this relationship will last.

I said a lot so maybe I won't come back with more but I could write a book on this topic because 99% of the men I've dated have been super busy or closer workaholics. Deal with it now.

 

[firecracker]

Work is an addiction for many. A man that is truly interested will make the time to do the things you enjoy and want to do if he doesn't want to lose you. You may still have to worry about his work addiction later down the line.

 

[Overjoyed]

I'm on my Blackberry so I'm not going to say everything but I'll be back.

For now, nip it in the bud NOW. I have dealt with several workaholics and as a busy woman myself, I can apprecuate the hustle. However, I can not and will not compete with a man's work for his attention. The situations worked out better when I addressed the issue early on instead of waiting. If you wait, they usually get resentful of you and the way you played it or they tell you they don't understand why this is 'all of a sudden' a big deal even though you've been peeved for months.

It doesn't sound like this man really has time for a relationship. He needs to understand that he cannot continue working fiftyleven hours a week and have a meaningful long-lasting relationship...especially not in the beginning. You have to put in that time and lay that foundation for the first year or so.

Have a sit down with him and just ask how he plans to govern himself. It's not about giving ultimatums and NO, you are not being selfish. A romantic relationship in its infancy can not grow and flourish off of 1.5 hours a week.

I had to learn the hard way that some men love work more than anything else and they'd rather WORK than be boo'd up with a woman. The fact that he's 37 and hasn't had a serious relationship sends up a red flag to me. He's been consistently choosing work over having a life or a relationship...he will have to CHANGE if this relationship will last.

I said a lot so maybe I won't come back with more but I could write a book on this topic because 99% of the men I've dated have been super busy or closer workaholics. Deal with it now.

I couldn't agree with you more.

In his defense when love didn't come his way he focused on work and yes, it has paid off for him bigtime. He is a workaholic, but he realizes though it has reaped big benefits I can see in his eyes when we talk how he regrets letting time pass by he can never get back. I don't want to make him seem like a horrible person because he is a wonderful person. Besides from past relationships I have learned early on if there is something that bothers you to speak up immediately or else when you do sometime down the road expect to hear,"Well it must not have been a problem from the beginning if you never said anything".

 

[WomanlyCharm]

The man is successful enough to DELEGATE.
There are plenty of people he could hire to mow grass, fix up the apartment building...no need for him to do all that himself.

I dated a workaholic...I asked, requested, pleaded, begged then out and out demanded for us to spend real time together...but there was always one more assignment to finish, another trip overseas for a project, you know the drill.

I started taking fun trips with my girlfriends...then he got worried and upset. But he kept up the brutal work schedule.

By the time he decided to drop work and plan a nice vacation for the two of us, it was too late. I was already gone.

You definately haave valid concerns. Tell him what you want, what you need. Hopefully he'll respond accordingly.

 

[Divine Inspiration]

I know exactly what you mean. I'm certainly not villifying him...men like him usually are nice guys...that's why you even bother with them to begin with but you still have to be assertive with the issue because they WILL flip the script on you 4 months in when the working has gotten to be too much for you. Then it's the whole, "This is how I was when you met me/You can't change me" speech. It's just smarter to set some boundaries now and if he insists on not slowing down, then you can make an informed decision. I've dated men who seem to realize that all work and no play is not good for them and has been unhealthy in many ways, but actually changing is usually something different.

Just don't let his wonderful qualities keep you frpm addressing this if it's important to you. It's not fair to either of you for you guys to fall out over this 6 months from now and for you to be like, "Ugh, I shoulda squashed this out the gate..."

Good luck!!!

I couldn't agree with you more.

In his defense when love didn't come his way he focused on work and yes, it has paid off for him bigtime. He is a workaholic, but he realizes though it has reaped big benefits I can see in his eyes when we talk how he regrets letting time pass by he can never get back. I don't want to make him seem like a horrible person because he is a wonderful person. Besides from past relationships I have learned early on if there is something that bothers you to speak up immediately or else when you do sometime down the road expect to hear,"Well it must not have been a problem from the beginning if you never said anything".

 

[Overjoyed]

There are plenty of people he could hire to mow grass, fix up the apartment building...no need for him to do all that himself.quote]

My sentiments exactly. I was thinking like ok, 3 lots over an acre and a half??? you can pay someone to do that to free up some of your time. I could understand if he was a struggling businessman, but he is far, far, far from being in the situation of not being able to afford to hire someone to cut the grass. He lives below his means, but every now and then something comes out to let me know that he is LOADED!!!!! Not to make this a racial thing, but this man is not a brotha and I was thinking maybe this is a common practice among white men....this is not to be mistaken as me making this an acceptable practice.

 

[DayStar]

OMG..i just spoke to mr. man kinda about this...i need advice too....how do i tell him we need to spend more time together without sounding needy?

Mr. Man is a BONIFIDE workaholic...he is taking 4 law school classes just in spring alone FULLTIME yes yall heard me PLUS he has 1 internship at his deans office (attorneys office) and 1 internship for a judge in detroit...this man come home at like 9:30-10pm every night...and wakes up at 6:00am.....so do i...so today i got pissed off and sent him a text message telling him that he is distant and that i feel like im the only one trying to get to know him.....he understood...we will be speaking tonight...i dont know how to tell him that he needs to make time..even if its 5 minutes or "bye".....now dont get me wrong...when we are together..WE ARE TOGETHER....but i left his house since sunday of LAST weekend..and hadnt heard from him ....but lawd let me not call and he throws a fit talking about im MIA and dont call to see if he is dead

 

[barbiesocialite]

I prefer being in relationships with workaholics actually because I'm a loner and hate people up under me and I just have a thing for ambitious, driven overachievers. Unfortunately this also means that in order to maintain that level of success they have to dedicate more time than the average person to achieving career goals, which also means i cant demand huge amounts of attention that might jeopardize their ability to accomplish these goals. So considering my history with these types, I know exactly what its like to feel ignored, underappreciated & in competition with someone's various careers/activities. Matter of fact I opted for academia/research as a career path over becoming a lawyer because I need to be time-flexible and I dont want my future children to feel neglected.

Reality is that I wont be receiving as much time from my spouse as my friends' get from their SO's who are regular 9-5ers so I cant measure commitment & sincerity by those measures. However, I have also found a few coping mechanisms that work for me in relationships such as: jointly allocating "us" hours of the day and specific date nights, familiarizing myself with SO's past, current & anticipated career obligations & patterns so I already know what to expect in advance, come to mutual understanding of what qualifies at as a healthy fulfilling relationship based on realistic life circumstances, & most importantly, establishing what we both need from the other in order to feel loved & secure.

It all boils down to communicating and compromising together to prioritize their gazillion tasks to maximize both career achievement and support our relationship growth. "I ease up on demanding excessive time, you give......" Your guy def should give up some of the uncessary things like mowing that he can hire someone to do, thats gotta go lol

My final .02 cents, some may agree & others disagree: workaholics usually only work well with other workaholics or women that dont mind adapting their own lives to their SO's life to deal with the time issue regarding their SO's busy schedule (this ranges from anything like willingly adjusting social/work schedule or choosing to adopt new extra curricular activities to opting to live the life of a stay-at-home mom)

 

[ElizaBlue]

Please sit down with this man and let him know how you feel. It could be that because you have not said anything about feeling neglected, that he thinks his lack of time is okay with you.

True the manual things that he is doing could be hired out. But he may be like a lot of self starters he got to where he is by doing it himself and just doesn't consider getting someone else to do it for him.

My BF is telling to say have a healthy discussion not a complaint session. Don't make him feel like his businesses are unimportant but explain to him that your desire to spend time with him should be prioritized as well.

 

[itismehmmkay]

In my experience, workaholics seem to want to work at you, too. Yes, they always have something to do, but they'll purposely always add something to this list, including you.

I find that they're addicted to the chase and hustle a little bit more than most men. So, unless you're that woman who naturally stays busy herself, it ends up being too much energy IMO. And yes, these guys do get older, but it's the same thing...they'll always find something to do. I'm thinking you should just keep him as a friend, and start backing away now.

 

[chinadoll]

First, you have to establish that if he's truly an workaholic, because some men use that excuse to avoid commitment. Some Workaholics don't even know that their schedules "hurts" the relationship, because they are so used of the routine, that they forget important stuff. Don't ask him point blank on why you don't spend time with me, because that sounds desperate, instead say is there anyway that I can help you with your businesses, because it's the only (emphasis on only) time I get to see you without you being busy (or something to that effect) If he's smart, which I'm sure he is, he will get the point. If not, I can't help you, lol...

 

[Duchesse]

Uh oh...this thread I must subscribe to...I've entered the "I work six days a week and I'm always on the lookout for a hustle so I think it's okay to go out less than once a week because I'm so busy" world with the new dude.

My friend and I were discussing the "spectrum" when it comes to dating guys. Either they have too much free time aka no good job and want to see you all the time, or no time at all aka the workaholic.

 

[lux10023]

having dated, investment bankers, doctors, lawyers, ceo's, small business owners and etc--all i can say is

gotta have a serious talk about it--its either communicate your true feelings on quality time or become apart of their to do list--which the later is not an option in my book

i always tell these types of men--you put 100% into your job and career then **** put 100% into this relationship and me as well--cant make it any clearer on the subject-matter

very good to fully understand all apsects of your SO's job or career once you familairize yourself with what they have to do now, past and present in regard to their job--you can then come to the table with a good stance on the subject matter of quality time

but in all honesty--ppl make time for the ppl they care about period--my *** is busy 24/7 365---i use to tell past dudes all the time im so busy--im too busy--i have work to do--im traveling here and have a presentation to make, clients to call--which i did BUTTTTTTTTTT

if i met someone who i cared enough about--who actually imparted value into my life--who i wanted a serious relationship with--who i could see a future with--I MADE TIME FOR THEM--ppl make time for the things that are important to them

plain and simple.

 

[DayStar]

i think i might have to press pause on mr. man...because i feel like a broken record.

 

[Menina Preta]

The guy I am currently seeing a a bonafide workaholic. We haven't been an item all that long (seeing each other since January and dating since April) but from day one it was evident that he was a workaholic.

He is a teacher by day and businessman every other free hour of the day. On the weekdays he works from 7am-7pm as a teacher and most of the time after work he is helping his 92 year old grandfather do something around his house. On the weekends he is either doing maintenance on the apartment building he owns, tending to one of his 3 lots by cutting the grass, tending to his used car lot or doing work on his website....it never stops!!!

He is very successful and has accomplished a great deal for someone of his age 37 and he admits that he has lost out on a lot of years of leisure and dating because of working so much (he has never had a serious relationship). Knowing that the school year was coming to an end on many occasions I have asked the same question, "So what are your plans for the summer" to the point where I think if he probably thinks I am crazy for asking the same question everytime we talk.

Anywho, this past Friday was the last day of classes and he now has the summer off so once again I asked him about his plans for the summer. His response was, "I have so much work to do with getting one of the apartments ready to rent and putting up the huge billboards up for businesses to rent to advertise on each lot that my summer is going to be a busy one". Oh yeah I forgot to mention he wants to buy a horse with his business partner and find a jockey to race it as a business investment.

This past weekend I dropped a hint about wanting to go to a bed & breakfast for the last 6 years, but it just never happened. His response was those bed & breakfasts are always in some crazy, way out place. Since we are in the early stages of our relationship I feel this is the best time to kinda/sorta in the most subtle way without sounding pushy to address his need to maintain a healthy balance between work and a relationship.

One of my male friends says I shouldn't say anything because I wanted an ambitious man, but my thought is there is a fine line between an ambitious man and a workaholic. My female friend on the other hand feels I should suggest to him flat out instead of beating around the bush about taking a mini-vacation. I'm trying to be rational and find the best approach to address this situation. There is part of me that is thinking if him & I were in a long term relationship maybe I wouldn't feel the way I do because the implication would be "he is doing this for us". And sometimes I feel if he doesn't make time for us to spend together for our relationship to grow it will never be that way because we won't last.

I hope I am not sounding selfish and bossy. Are my concerns valid? Also, what have been your own personal experience with workaholic boyfriends and husbands? And lastly what is the best approach to address this?

I would ask him if he wanted to do a mini-vacay again. If he gave you a bunch of reasons why he was too busy, I would then suggest another activity a few days or weeks down the line, like going to an amusement park, or the museum, or a city tour (something that takes an entire day to do), and see what he says. If he says he's too busy for that, I would start looking for a new man. I'm in my early twenties, but IMO, 37 is too old for a man to never had a serious relationship. Does he have commitment issues?

My boyfriend can somewhat be a workaholic during the week (in the office by 8 something, leaves office at 7.30 - 8 PM). However, thankfully, his weekends are pretty free. I just couldn't see myself dating someone who never had time to just be with me. And by 'be' I mean just relaxing with one another, not necessarily on a date or outside the house.

 

[Mynappturalme]

My SO is a workaholic. Since his work is very important and I understand that, I work with him. Sometimes we go to Starbucks and fire up our laptops and work together and talk.

Now I notice that he makes more of an effort to spend quality time with me. I have no complaints because I know that he works hard and when he he is not working he makes up for it.