Women Who Moved For A Partner/Moved In W/Partner

[GreenEyedJen]

Hi ladies!

I am in a situation that I am getting kind of antsy about and need some advice.

I am in a LDR. This is easily the most connected I've ever felt to someone. For example, I've had an ex that I could not get over. I thought he was the one that got away. We broke up in 2007, I've been in two serious relationships since that one (not counting my current one) and I never could get my ex out of my head. Within the first week of dating my SO, I thought that he could make me forget about my ex. And he has. We even put it on FB, which is a huge deal for me. I'm very private and in the almost ten years I've been on FB I've never changed my relationship status.

Anyway, we live about seven hours driving distance from each other, but in the same state. He was born and raised here. I wasn't. I'm graduating law school this week and rent my house directly from the school, so I will either need to move out at the end of this month, or four days after the Bar Exam. Although I'm not a fan of this state I've decided to take the Bar here, mainly because I have yet to find a job anywhere.

He wants me to move in with him. I am going up there as a "test run" for a week. He has a very flexible job, but has just signed a lease for an apartment on the beach before we started talking about what I was going to do after school, plus as I already stated I have to move anyway. I've never been up there so it will be a new experience. I will be meeting his family for the first time. The closer it gets to the time for me to go up there, the more nervous I get. I am so used to my space (I've lived alone since 2007) and I'm scared about being dependent financially on a man. My parents are still married and my Dad paid all the bills their whole marriage, but my parents met in grad school and my mother has always had her own money. Both my parents have cautioned me to never depend on a man for money, and I agree. I don't know how long I'll be without a job, you know? At the very least, it will be until August, as I will be studying for the Bar and it's not advised to work while doing so.

My questions for you ladies:
1. If you moved for or in with a partner, what did you consider before doing so?
2. For LDR ladies: How much "uninterrupted" time had you spent with your partner before deciding you were comfortable with a move?
3. How long were you dating before moving?
4. Anything else I should consider?

 

[RocStar]

Congrats on graduating!

Have you guys talked about marriage? I always told myself I wouldn't move away without a ring. Something to think about.

 

[GreenEyedJen]

Thank you!

Yes, we have. We're both amenable to the idea but haven't talked about a specific time frame. I'm actually a little scared of the idea of marriage, TBH. I think he picks up on that. Do you generally think that moving in with someone before an engagement works against the woman?

 

[ThickHair]

What would be your move if he was not in the picture?

IMHO you should get your own.

 

[GreenEyedJen]

I'd stay here until the beginning of August, hoping and praying I found a job before I'm booted out of here. If I don't have a job I'd more than likely have to move back to Philly with my parents, whom I haven't lived with since I was 18 (I'll be 29 Friday). I'll try to get a job outside my field before that happens, though.

Please expound, ThickHair. I'd like to know your reasoning. Would you feel different if there was some type of real commitment, like a ring? Do you generally think women shouldn't live with anyone but their spouses?

 

[janiebaby]

I've always said I wouldn't live with a man until I'm married but I can be over his house all the time to where it "seems" like we live together As long as you can move in with your folks should there be an emergency and if you have friends you can stay with if you have to move out and get your own place. I'd say go for it. It seems you live quite a distance from home.

 

[ThickHair]

ThickHair. I'd like to know your reasoning. Would you feel different if there was some type of real commitment, like a ring? Do you generally think women shouldn't live with anyone but their spouses?

I would feel different if you were engaged with a date. Nah, I am not pro shacking.

In the end you have to make the best decision for you. I do hope you explore all your options before moving in with him.

BTW are you in Pittsburgh? I live in Da Burg.

 

[GreenEyedJen]

Thanks, ladies.

Nope, I'm all the way in The Sunshine State. More than a 1,000 miles from my immediate family. I haven't truly thought about the idea of moving home as that would present it's own set of problems, but that would more than likely hurt our relationship.

I have family that lives within 20 miles of him, but I'm not close to them. They are coming to my graduation but I haven't seen them in years.

 

[Farida]

I would advise against it. For both moral and secular reasons.

If your morality says it's ok, then ok.

But, especially since you are not getting married any time soon:

1. I do not advise being financially dependent on a man who is not your just husband. Move in with family if you have to. If things do not work out with him you will feel more pressured to stay because you need him for money. I am a lawyer and many of us could not find work for a long time after the bar. You do not want to be stuck with him because you have no job prospects. You know how the market is. Still, better you are with your parents or broke and alone than dependent on a guy after things go SOL.

You said yourself you are not hot on this state so why tie yourself to it even more? He was born and raised in this state which means he has all the ties, grounding and support and all you will have is him. No thanks. If you liked this place and were established I would be more for it....

2. If you move in, I believe you are more likely to put up with B.S. in your relationship because you have taken such a big step and intertwined your lives. Living apart gives you more space and clarity. And an LDR is different than being around each other all the time. Very different. You may decide you cannot stand each other.

3. If you are marriage-minded, statistically people who shack up are more likely not to get married, and more likely to be divorced after they do. Plus, if I were a friend or family member I just don't have as much excitement and desire for your wedding and gifts if it takes place after you were you were already living together.

4. In general family will respect you less. Especially if they are more traditional. For many family members you are replaceable until you...aren't. The fact that he would be shacking with you without marrying you would tell them they don't have to treat you as a permanent fixture. What does your dad think? Your dating life begins to set the groundwork for your married life and if your dad does not like this he will start off by not liking him.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

^^

#1. All day.

 

[TayMac]

I'm not for or against shacking. But it seems like you would be making the move because you have run out of options. I would want a different motivation behind it.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

I would advise against it. For both moral and secular reasons.



2. If you move in, I believe you are more likely to put up with B.S. in your relationship because you have taken such a big step and intertwined your lives. Living apart gives you more space and clarity. And an LDR is different than being around each other all the time. Very different. You may decide you cannot stand each other.

This times a million, no this times infinity. long distance relationships aren't real life because you're both are always on "vacation mode" when you interact with each other. I learned this lesson the hard way. 3 out of the 4.5 years I was with my ex were long distance. everything was peaches 'n cream until the day to day revealed his true personality. Good luck to you.

 

[nlamr2013]

yeah no unless your name is on the lease I would not. Especially since you dont know anyone in the area. I personally would not move in with someone wtihout being married but thats me.
How are the job prospects in that area? no sense moving there and cant find a job using your degree.
as far as ldr I know of 3 couples who were in them and they spent weekends together at most before they got married and moved in together.

 

[GreenEyedJen]

Thanks for your detailed response, Farida. I've addressed some of the things you mentioned below.

I would advise against it. For both moral and secular reasons.

If your morality says it's ok, then ok.

But, especially since you are not getting married any time soon:

1. I do not advise being financially dependent on a man who is not your just husband. Move in with family if you have to. If things do not work out with him you will feel more pressured to stay because you need him for money. I am a lawyer and many of us could not find work for a long time after the bar. You do not want to be stuck with him because you have no job prospects. You know how the market is. Still, better you are with your parents or broke and alone than dependent on a guy after things go SOL.

You said yourself you are not hot on this state so why tie yourself to it even more? He was born and raised in this state which means he has all the ties, grounding and support and all you will have is him. No thanks. If you liked this place and were established I would be more for it....

I wouldn't stay with him for financial reasons. I'd call my parents to help me before that. Plus, I still have a good amount of money saved; enough to get away and get home. However, since I am taking the Bar here I do want to stay in this state. I think it would be much more difficult to find a job from 1,000 miles away. Also, and I think someone else mentioned this, I would be put on the lease if I did decide to move up there. We talked about that, and that's a must for me. I haven't seen the terms of the lease yet but it might require that I be listed anyway.

He was born here, but his family is from Chicago. Neither of us feels married to this state.


2. If you move in, I believe you are more likely to put up with B.S. in your relationship because you have taken such a big step and intertwined your lives. Living apart gives you more space and clarity. And an LDR is different than being around each other all the time. Very different. You may decide you cannot stand each other.

I have been in LDR before, and I agree.

3. If you are marriage-minded, statistically people who shack up are more likely not to get married, and more likely to be divorced after they do. Plus, if I were a friend or family member I just don't have as much excitement and desire for your wedding and gifts if it takes place after you were you were already living together.

As a social scientist in my past life, I'm aware of these statistics. However, I can't imagine living with someone for the first time after we've exchanged vows. I also think that people who live together before marriage tend to be more liberal in their views of marriage in general, which is why they're less likely to get married and more likely to get divorced. That's one of the reasons why I'm a little scared of marriage. I take it very seriously and there aren't many men that see it the way I do. I think he does. I think both of us growing up with both parents affected this.

4. In general family will respect you less. Especially if they are more traditional. For many family members you are replaceable until you...aren't. The fact that he would be shacking with you without marrying you would tell them they don't have to treat you as a permanent fixture. What does your dad think? Your dating life begins to set the groundwork for your married life and if your dad does not like this he will start off by not liking him.

His family, or mine? I don't know actually know what his family will think. I'm hoping to gage them when I visit in a couple weeks. My Dad thinks I'm "begging for a room." As stated upthread, both my parents are against the idea of being financially dependent on a guy. However, I don't want to be any more of a financial burden on them. They have enough things going on right now. Besides that, my parents are attorneys as well, and you know how they think. They've been scrutinizing the whole thing.

 

[Prettymetty]

Congrats on graduating and good luck with everything

 

[ivyness]

I moved in with my ex fiancé not because I wanted to but because i HAD to. He insisted I move in with him after my dad died and I left work because I just could not deal. I had always insisted we would live together after marriage.

There is nothing as hard as coming from being independent to taking money from a man. I became resentful. All the habits that I hadn't seen when I had my own place started to piss me off. He started slacking off because it was HIS house and HIS money. And I left him because he was NOT my husband and I didn't have to take any of his bull****.

Again, might have worked out if I was earning my own money (I doubt it) BUT, it served as my lesson. I am never putting myself in a situation where I give a man control over my life again. Nope. Never again. **** that ****.

ETA. I would move in with my parents till I was on my feet. Then if possible you BOTH look for a new place. I'm telling you this man was, I though, the love of my life, big Tiffany's engagement ring, picked up his stuff when he was at MY house. No warning signs whatsoever. DO.NOT.DO.IT. till you are on your feet and want to and have a plan!

 

[kaykari]

Move home, get yourself together, then decide. I agree with your dad. Dont put yourself in that position.
If you like, you could get in apartment near him in after you figure out your work. I have been dependent on a man before...he was a good guy, but I will never ever do it again.

 

[1QTPie]

Do it if you want to do it. You are an adult. If you don't have children, you don't really have anything to lose. Be clear about what you need, make sure that you have money to take care of yourself, and make friends.

You can even consider a roommate situation with "strangers" just so that you have your own before you two cohabitate.

Be prepared for it to end. Engaged or not. You just never know.

 

[Amarilles]

My experience was all the contrary.

Before moving, I guess the main thing I considered was his commitment to me and if he would be able to hold it down, and more importantly if he was willing, because like you I wouldn't be able to work. Also, you need a plan B.

He moved from Europe to Canada to be closer to me (as in, in the same hemisphere, lol) and then I moved from my hometown (Miami) to Canada. Afterward we moved back to his home country where we're now living, and we're now married. We've been together for 5 years, 2 years and some travelling back and forth, 2 years and some in Canada, then we had to be apart for a little, then moved to his home country where we've been since January. We got married last month.

I wouldn't say you need a ring to move but you need to see serious commitment on his part. I personally was very dependent on my (now) DH but then boyfriend when I moved to Canada. In fact, he paid for all my classes to learn French, as he refused to let me use my money because I could not work there. He paid every bill. Now we're in Europe and I'm unable to work here still, and he's still covering everything on the financial front.

It really depends on the person. It's true LDR can make it hard to judge a relationship for what it is but how will you find out what it is if you're not together? DH bought us a condo which we chose, every piece of furniture is to my liking and choosing...not every man will throw in your face that it's his place and space. I think you should move. Prepare for the "what if" but you have to be closer to fully know.

 

[GreenEyedJen]

My experience was all the contrary.

It really depends on the person. It's true LDR can make it hard to judge a relationship for what it is but how will you find out what it is if you're not together? DH bought us a condo which we chose, every piece of furniture is to my liking and choosing...not every man will throw in your face that it's his place and space. I think you should move. Prepare for the "what if" but you have to be closer to fully know.

Thanks for the response Amarilles! Glad to hear from a person that seems to have been through pretty much what I'm thinking about doing.

The quoted and especially the bolded seem to be my thought process. As I stated in my first post in this thread, I feel more connected to him than anyone else I've dated. Three exes have wanted me to move in with them, and that's been when I've decided to end the relationship; I wasn't feeling the same as they were. But I'm feeling good about him. I've never wanted kids but being with him has opened that door for me. I don't think moving back up north would be beneficial; I definitely want to explore the connection further. I don't feel old, but I'll be 30 next year. "Good men" are getting snapped up and I can't imagine giving one up because I had to leave the state.

It's funny that you mentioned the condo and furniture; he chose his new place based on my suggestions and wants to wait until Memorial Day weekend to go out and get stuff so we can do it together.

Do you mind if I pick your brain a bit more? How much uninterrupted time did you have with your husband before you moved in? Meaning, did you guys just do weekend/week trips, or did you spend extended periods of time in Europe? It sounds like you didn't really get over your...anxiety, for lack of a better word, about being financially dependent on him before you moved. I don't think anxiety was the emotion you were experiencing but my brain is running on empty right now so I can't think of anything better. Is that the case? What was your Plan B (I'm assuming you had enough saved to just leave if necessary)?

Feel free not to answer if I'm prying too much, but from what little you've said it sounds like I'm you a few years ago. Haha.

 

[Nayeli]

Like Amarilles, I'll give you an alternate perspective, OP.

I was in a LDR for three years, when I graduated law school and decided I wanted to practice in the State where my SO lived (partly because he still had several years of grad school left in that state). I moved into his apartment and studied for the bar. I'll spare you my dad's reaction.

In short, it was that summer that proved to me that he would be a great husband. He cooked, cleaned, brought me lunch when I was holed up studying and reassured me when I broke out in crying fits (the bar will do that to you). Each and every day, he'd drop me to bar review, pick me up when class was over, drop me off at the student center to study and then come back for me at night. I had a real problem with getting up to go to class, until one day he said, "the car will be leaving at eight, with or without you." Sure enough, I got up late, and saw him revving the engine when I went outside.

At the end of the summer, I got my own apartment in the city and knew that was the man I wanted to marry. Our first anniversary is coming up soon, and my dad is now saying from the first time he met him, he knew he was the one .

You, and you alone, know your circumstances! Use wisdom and you'll be fine.

 

[Amarilles]

Do you mind if I pick your brain a bit more? How much uninterrupted time did you have with your husband before you moved in? Meaning, did you guys just do weekend/week trips, or did you spend extended periods of time in Europe? It sounds like you didn't really get over your...anxiety, for lack of a better word, about being financially dependent on him before you moved. I don't think anxiety was the emotion you were experiencing but my brain is running on empty right now so I can't think of anything better. Is that the case? What was your Plan B (I'm assuming you had enough saved to just leave if necessary)?

Feel free not to answer if I'm prying too much, but from what little you've said it sounds like I'm you a few years ago. Haha.

Lemme say that I think it's such a great sign that he wants to wait to choose things with you Mine started the same way too, I hadn't yet decided if I was moving to Canada but he was already sending me photos and blueprints of all of the apartments he was looking at and chose the one that I liked best. It was so unecessary yet very sweet.

The most time we ever spent together without interruptions was one month. The first year I was flying to Paris (his hometown) every 3 or so months, staying at most 2 weeks. The second year he was coming to see me in Miami. We had all kinds of apps to always feel close. My favorite at the time was Google Latitude where we could always see where the other person was on Google maps. I just loved knowing if he was at work or at home and it helped with the insecurities that come with LDR.

Giiirl the word you're looking for is "overwhelmed" It was never easy having him paying for everything. The most irrational thing I did was sneaking out while he was sleeping, and began my trip to take my car from Canada (Montreal) back down to Miami alone and by myself. That was after finding the receipts for the $300 a month he was paying to keep MY car parked in an underground lot. I got sh*t from everyone in my life for doing that, but it was very overwhelming...he covered everything for me, all my immigration crap the city and province required, school payments. It was sweet and horrible at the same time.

My Plan Bs were: If staying in Montreal, I'd have my language school set me up with a small apartment (which were discounted for students) or staying with a host family if no rooms were available. If not staying in Canada, then I would've gone back home to Miami, most likely to parents'. Once I made good friends in Canada I included them in my Plan Bs.

Definitely talk to your guy about it. DH and I spoke about the possibility that it wouldn't work and then we've both relocated for nothing (more me than him as he was still advancing his career in Canada). He promised me that even if I were to cheat on him, that he wouldn't put me out and I could stay with him until I get a job and place in Miami and then move back. I believed him, but I still had my Plan Bs.

 

[FemmeCreole]

Thank you!

Yes, we have. We're both amenable to the idea but haven't talked about a specific time frame. I'm actually a little scared of the idea of marriage, TBH. I think he picks up on that. Do you generally think that moving in with someone before an engagement works against the woman?

I am pro-shacking up because I want to see what I'm getting into before I make vows to commit to someone for life.

I've been in an LDR before and we discussed beforehand that it would have to be a situation where one of us or both would have to move at some point in order for the relationship to flourish and move to the next stage.

With DH we lived together as well...I think the key is to be on the same page with your partner and making the move because you both want to.

 

[tinkat]

1. If you moved for or in with a partner, what did you consider before doing so? 2. For LDR ladies: How much "uninterrupted" time had you spent with your partner before deciding you were comfortable with a move? 3. How long were you dating before moving? 4. Anything else I should consider?

I considered everything. I am use to moving for myself but it was different this time bc I was moving to be with my SO. It's a huge risk. I was scared of the unknown. I wanted to go but was scared bc I am from the south and most of my fam is down south. I was moving to a different region and he was the only person I would know. I am use to depending on myself. But then I thought more positively. This move is for us and we are a team. He is a good man and has shown in many ways that he will take care of me. There is nothing wrong with a man taking care of you, just always have a plan a, b, and c. Having a good support system and not allowing anyone sway YOUR decision is important. My mama said I could always come home worst case scenario. Make sure you are doing it for yourself. The biggest concern was financial. Luckily the company I work for is nationwide and I was actively looking for a position. I gave my resignation letter three weeks prior to my move and the the last week of my last position I was offered an interview within the company. I wrote down my goal at the first of last year to move closer to my SO with a job and it happened. You can make anything happen if you want it to. It just has to be at the right time. Bc honestly once I had let go of trying to find a job within the company it happened with ease. At the time it felt like it didn't happen quick enough, but looking back it was not bad. My goal was to move by dec 1st 2013 and I started working on dec 2. My SO and I moved together after dating for a year and 4 months. The longest time we spent together before that was 3 weeks. When you are equally yoked as they say it will work out. The biggest thing is making sure you both are on the same page and that your values are the same. When I say values I don't mean personality or even education. I mean character values that normally stay the same. My SO and I from the beginning knew that we wanted to find a partner for marriage and are values aligned. Before I met him I wrote down my top five values and he fit all five. That's how I knew he was worth the move. It has benefited both of us the move. We support each other, we love each other even when we get on each others nerve, and we grow together each day. I do get home sick, yes but the pro out weigh the cons.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[tibb1908]

Make sure that you have a conversation about expectations and think about what you need from him and find out what he needs from you as well. Is he ok with taking care of the bills by himself? What is the time frame for to you find a job in your field or outside of it. How you split the bills? It sounds good but you just have to be realistic, try to contribute something to the bills if possible.

Btw congrats on your graduation.