Why don't they just be up front? (Vent)

[greenandchic]

I've been dating a man I met late January of this year until last month. We've seen each other an average of 1-2x a week - dinners out, parties he's thrown, wine tasting, etc. The last time I went out with him was May 3rd. We've exchanged a few emails, but no plans have been made to see each other. When I've hinted at it, he's busy.

When we were together, we have a great time; we have a lot in common, love to laugh, hold hands, talk, kiss, etc. We never got far enough in our "relationship" where we've reached a rough point, so he didn't argue. We were never sexual so I can't say he he got what he wanted and is done with me, nor did he ever even pursue sex with me (with me turning him down) so that's not the issue either.

I think I might know why he's no longer interested in me: I am disabled, on disability and work part-time. He is much more materially stable and probably don't want someone to weigh him down financially due to the fact that I probably make a small fraction he does.

I started to really like him, but I know now the feeling is not mutual. I wish he would just tell me he's no longer interested, tell me he's serious about someone else, of whatever so that I can emotionally move on. Why do guys do this - leave the other person hanging?

 

[Seeking8Rights]

I would just flat out ask him if he has thought about moving forward (at some point) in the relationship.

 

[greenandchic]

I would just flat out ask him if he has thought about moving forward (at some point) in the relationship.

I forgot to mention that - I did, but he never answered my question (via email).

 

[Duchesse]

I think that alot of times it's just easier to fade out (not nicer, mature, responsible..just easier) than to let a person know that you don't like them or that you don't share the same feelings. I've done this in the past unfortunately...and it was recently done to me

How long has it been since he has last initiated contact? You could be assuming that he isn't interested.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

I forgot to mention that - I did, but he never answered my question (via email).

Hmm, it sounds like he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but either way he needs to just be honest with you.

I can't say why some men (or people) rather do this because the reasons could vary depending on the person/situation.

If it were me, I would leave him alone and let him initiate contact from here on out. The truth will come out in his actions over time.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Men can be something else at times.

 

[greenandchic]

I think that alot of times it's just easier to fade out (not nicer, mature, responsible..just easier) than to let a person know that you don't like them or that you don't share the same feelings. I've done this in the past unfortunately...and it was recently done to me

How long has it been since he has last initiated contact? You could be assuming that he isn't interested.

The last time that he initiated? I think it was in April. The last email I got from him was this past Thursday in response to mine.

Hmm, it sounds like he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but either way he needs to just be honest with you.

I can't say why some men (or people) rather do this because the reasons could vary depending on the person/situation.

If it were me, I would leave him alone and let him initiate contact from here on out. The truth will come out in his actions over time.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Men can be something else at times.

I will do that.

Reminds me of a certain Denise Williams song!

 

[jennboo]

I agree with the poster who said it's easier ( not right, nicer, or mature, just easier). Dude may have checked out a while ago and felt guilty about spending time with you and seeing how your feelings for him were growing. I also think that men aren't very good at articulating their feelings and the reasons they do things (or at least, they want us to believe that). He may not have wanted to get into a big discussion/conversation, with you asking him about the 'why's' and the 'how's', probably didn't want want to risk you 'convincing' him that what ya'll had was great and should continue.

I've done this to a few guys (went out on a series of dates, had a great time, i just wasn't feeling the guy and i chumped up and stopped responding to their contacts). It was just easier than saying "i'm not interested", especially since i wasn't emotionally invested. I kind of figured, oh well, he'll get over it .

But, of course, it happened to me, recently as well! For the life of me i don't know what happened. Dude just stopped calling. I guess he subscribed to the "its just easier" mentality with me and thought "she'll get over it"... I'm still working on that . Karma for ya.

I think people are just prone to taking the easy way out. Sometimes enduring something a bit uncomfortable for the sake of someone else's feelings makes you a bigger person.

Good luck, OP.

 

[greenandchic]

Update: I did make one last effort to communicate with him a few days ago via text. oke:, but it was all for not. A friend helped me gain prospective emphasizing that it really is his issue. When someone can go 5 years without dating, never been in a serious relationship (serious enough to lead to engagement when they WANT to get married) and they're 47, something is up. I suspected early on that he had a fear of intimacy, but I decided to put that thought on the back burner.

There wasn't anything that would have indicated that he was no longer into me when we last went out - the night ended with him putting my new office chair together .

I'm no longer blaming myself for his behavior. Its so easy to put all that on to me and wonder what I may have done wrong...

 

[C@ssandr@]

Update: I did make one last effort to communicate with him a few days ago via text. oke:, but it was all for not. A friend helped me gain prospective emphasizing that it really is his issue. When someone can go 5 years without dating, never been in a serious relationship (serious enough to lead to engagement when they WANT to get married) and they're 47, something is up. I suspected early on that he had a fear of intimacy, but I decided to put that thought on the back burner.

There wasn't anything that would have indicated that he was no longer into me when we last went out - the night ended with him putting my new office chair together .

I'm no longer blaming myself for his behavior. Its so easy to put all that on to me and wonder what I may have done wrong...

Good! and don't forget that.

 

[firecracker]

I'm sorry this happened. Its hard to hurt or be upfront to someone you respect and like but they are not where you are or need them to be at a certain point in your life.

I say this because the guy I'm with now/3rd time is the charm in 10 years. I dumped him in 2008 by changing my numbers and falling off the face of the earth. When I actually did return his calls, well actually I needed him for something a year later I used my dad's death and the stress of it as an out/excuse of why I did him like that because he is one of the nicest and most considerate people I have ever met in my life. I know it was punkish especially because I usually have no problem telling men kick rocks. I just couldn't do it upfront or be honest about it because outside of his situation at the time he was perfect for me. It had to do with finances too and he had a young child at the time. My child was at university and I planned my life out to make that happen really really early. Then I fell at work 2005 and my life has been hell on earth since. If I didn't work for who I work for and all the benefits ninjas wouldn't even think twice about saying uh uh no thank you she is going to be a burden.

Again I know its hurtful but more than likely he has alot of respect for you as a person and doesn't want to hurt your feelings or possibly lose your friendship all together. I know others that have been in a similar situation and they handled it poorly as well.

I know its hard. One of the many reasons that I won't take total disability is because I know how working and able bodied folks view people on ssi or disability even if its beyond their control.

Keep your head up and don't give up on finding the man that is perfect for you that will accept you for you.

 

[God_Favor]

I'm happy you have closure on this. Now you can be in aligned with life and happily move forward and leaving the past where it belongs, behind you!!!

 

[SmileyNY]

Regardless of what his deal was.... You shouldn't put all of your eggs in one basket. Date around and find a good fit for you.

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[greenandchic]

SmileyNY - I think that's my problem: I've never been one to "date around". I don't have the emotional capacity to date one guy one week and another guy the next. I like to be able to get to know someone without the complication of someone else being in the mix. I know that's probably not how the rest of the world dates, so that could be no surprise I am where I am now. I also don't meet too many people in general - especially since I'm still somewhat new to this area.

firecracker - Thank you for sharing your experience. You're so right about how the rest of the world feel about people on total disability/SSDI if you're young and healthy looking. When I first started this job back in April, it was a huge relief because now I can say where I work and what I do and not, "I'm on SSDI" even though I still on disability too.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I started to really like him, but I know now the feeling is not mutual. I wish he would just tell me he's no longer interested, tell me he's serious about someone else, of whatever so that I can emotionally move on. Why do guys do this - leave the other person hanging?

Because men hate confrontation, period. erplexed

That's basically it in a nutshell. They would rather phase out if you will, and gradually STOP calling you or asking you out instead of being UPFRONT and honest with you about their feelings and why they've stopped initiating contact. It has happened to me countless of times before.

Please don't take it personally.

Honestly, I've done the same thing before when I wasn't really feeling a guy, and I've had it done to me also.

To be truthful, consider yourself FORTUNATE. He has shown his true colors.....do you really need him to verbally give you an explanation telling you WHY he doesn't want to continue dating you? Naaaa....you don't need that. Just move on and let his ACTIONS speak clearly for themselves. I know it may be hard, and I know sometimes we may want "closure", but honestly....sometimes closure is waaay overrated.

I've now realized that sometimes it's just better to let it go and move on. Now if you two were introducing each other to family and getting super duper serious, then YES...I would say that he DOES owe you an explanation. But from your post it sounds like you two were in the latter stages of getting to know each other.

I'm no longer blaming myself for his behavior. Its so easy to put all that on to me and wonder what I may have done wrong...

Good for you! Whatever you do, DON'T blame yourself. If anything, his actions say more about HIM than it does about you.

You didn't do ANYTHING wrong. So please, don't feel bad or guilty.

Sometimes there's just nothing we can do differently to make someone change their mind about us.

ETA: Plus, if he really is a 47-year old man and has never been married before, that is a huge red flag to me. If anything I think you may have dodged a bullet.

 

[SmileyNY]

@SmileyNY - I think that's my problem: I've never been one to "date around". I don't have the emotional capacity to date one guy one week and another guy the next. I like to be able to get to know someone without the complication of someone else being in the mix. I know that's probably not how the rest of the world dates, so that could be no surprise I am where I am now. I also don't meet too many people in general - especially since I'm still somewhat new to this area.

I think that's the issue. You're too emotionally invested when it comes to dating. Just because you are attracted to someone at first and like them, doesn't mean that they deserve your undivided affection and attention. They could turn out to be someone completely different that who you thought they were. That's why it's good to look at dating the same why employers look at interviews: find a good fit. Don't get prematurly emotional. You're doing yourself a disservice by constantly putting all of your chips on the table for the first guy you think you may like.

 

[greenandchic]

I think that's the issue. You're too emotionally invested when it comes to dating. Just because you are attracted to someone at first and like them, doesn't mean that they deserve your undivided affection and attention. They could turn out to be someone completely different that who you thought they were. That's why it's good to look at dating the same why employers look at interviews: find a good fit. Don't get prematurly emotional. You're doing yourself a disservice by constantly putting all of your chips on the table for the first guy you think you may like.

Great points. My experience with dating is limited. I went from marriage to a few long-term relationships and never really had a phase where I "dated". I honestly don't know how to at this point. LOL When I met this guy in January, I wasn't seeing anyone else and and there was no one else that came around since then. I know how to meet people, but it doesn't come easy to me so its really is a one at a time situation for me....

 

[hopeful]

You can date one person at a time and still be more nonchalant. Like the other poster said, move slowly, be observant, pick up on hints too. To me your response to this guy falling off was as if you had been dating for about a year, not a few months. You need to find a way to be more whatever. People fall away how they want to fall away, you can't control that. I used to be very upfront with people but honestly it just often isn't worth the effort. Most people you tell them I want to move on to xyz, I'm no longer interested in having a relationship with you, your organization, whatever. They never say thank you for the honesty and KIM. There's always hurt feelings, a million questions, attempts to make you feel bad about your decision, etc., etc. so it's almost like what's the point in being upfront? Just my 2 cents.

 

[MissJ]

They leave women hanging so that they can walk back into our lives like nothing happened. Then when something "better" comes along they will leave again.

 

[Lilmama1011]

I'm pretty sure you already know, this is predominately a selfish world. Most people do stuff because they have intention in getting something out of it. With you telling him you don't have no more income instead of him saying I will help you out in anyway he leaves. You can tell that he wasn't emotionally attached to you because If he would of been he would of still been by your side. All he heard was someone I have to take care of and said "nah ah". He wasn't right for you and wouldn't have been good for marriage (If your considering getting married). He couldn't even mouth the words for richer or poorer and mean it! Because If things go wrong he would be out. Better you found out the real him before Yal relationship got anymore intense! Sorry for you meeting a jerk, remember karma is a b$&@ !!!