Why do we wait on the Lord for a husband and not for long hair?

[envybeauty]

Long title, but that is essentially what I am asking. Even longer vent below.....

I often hear women (more often Black women because my friends/family/LHCF members are mostly black) talk about waiting on God to bring a good man their way. Not denying that but ......

These same women talk about wanting to grow their hair and they jump on a bandwagon to proactively do something about that desire. Yet, when they desire a mate, they do nothing proactively. Not sure if I am making sense.

God put hair on all of us and our hair grows (slowly but surely). Yet, rather than just waiting for our hair to grow, we try all sorts of shampoos, pre poos, post poo, poo poo, and what not to get long hair . If someone right now were to post that a certain product got them an inch a month for a year, half of us would have the product in our hands the very next day. My point is that we are proactive when it comes to wanting something -- in this case, long(er) hair.

Turn to men. God put men and women on earth. Men are everywhere. Women want good men (and yes, they are out there). Yet, most women just wait for one to come their way. They do nothing proactively to get one. They go to work, go home, go back to work. Most women don't go to different places to PROACTIVELY increase the chances that they will attract a greater number of men than if they just sit home and do nothing.

Yes, hair grows on all of us, but we know that we have to PROACTIVELY do something to get it to where we want it to be. Same with finding a mate. We have to do more than just sit and wait on God to drop one in our laps. We don't just sit and wait on the Lord to grow our hair to whatever APL, BSL, MBL we want. We clarify, moisturize, condition, seal, dust, massage, henna, hot oil, heat, no heat, the list goes on as to what each of us does (amongst a laundry list things) to keep it strong as it grows. Again, WE DON'T JUST WAIT ON THE LORD FOR LONG HAIR, SO WHY DO WE SO OFTEN JUST WAIT ON HIM FOR A HUSBAND.....

I felt the need to say something as I am tired of reading yet *another* statistic about the low marriage rates of Black women (see nytimes.com for article about only 30% of black women being married), while hearing a MAJORITY of Black women stating that they want to get married. The numbers don't add up and I believe it is because Black women tend not to be proactive when it comes to seeking a mate.

DISCLAIMER: I'm not saying that engaging in a particular proactive activity will guarantee finding a good man (no more than a particular product or method will guarantee healthier or longer hair, yet we all try to do different things in our quest to get the length we want).

 

[Southernbella.]

I agree with you.

I made a vow not to date while I was waiting for my husband, but I was proactive about being found. I went on group dates and kept my eyes and ears WIDE open. I also kept my mouth open. Anyone who knew me knew what I would and would not accept, so I didn't have to worry about deadbeats or losers. I figured out what I loved to do and did it. I worked on myself during that single time. I got closer to God and my family and friends. I was proactive about being content, and I believe that made me more attractive to potential suitors, speeding up the process. I was married at 23.

 

[envybeauty]

That's what I'm talking about..... someone who was proactive and got what she wanted (no wonder you have such nice long hair...you know how to be proactive about stuff).

 

[Divine Inspiration]

we try all sorts of shampoos, pre poos, post poo, poo poo, and what not to get long hair.

Hilarious!

I agree with you. I think the issue is lack of know-how. On top of that, many women, particularly Christian black women, have issues with approaching men, and they have not yet found the medium between being available in the various places and approaching men & seeming desperate. I think some women are so leary of the latter that they'd rather do nothing at all. There is a way to get out and mingle and increase the chance of meeting a man without coming off as desperate.

I don't think black women are groomed on this kind of thing anyway. I think in general black women, especially Christian ones, are very relationship/marriage minded. The dating scene is uncomfortable for many of us, and we would prefer to be settled and situated. Sometimes the sheer amount of work of getting to know a person and feeling them out is overwhelming...enough to make women stay home even though they long for companionship.

So, I totally understand where you're coming from, but I think the issues surrounding women not being more proactive are complex. They stem from childhood, insecurities, baggage, convenience, and lots of other things. However, I believe people DO what they really want to DO. So some women will be completely prepared to go to a mixer or a single's ministry outing with hopes of meeting someone. My only issue with that is the feeling of things being forced or orchestrated. I prefer meeting people in a very natural way because for me, there's less brain work. What I mean by that is having to figure out whether I'm "forcing" whatever it is I have with this person since I went out of my way to meet them to begin with. Thus far, God has brought people in and out of my life with perfect timing so I don't like doing too much hunting and posing to meet people. I've never been the type to go to clubs, etc yet I've met plenty of men. I think we have to trust our intuition and God when deciding how "available" we should be to men. From my observation, as long as we're living a full life, meaning hobbies, interests, church functions, outings with friends, etc, we don't have to make special plans to go places to meet men. God will bring folks to us in the funniest ways if we are still.

Good post...definitely something to consider.

 

[Shimmie]

I hear you...

Women have been taught, threatened, shamed, and chastised to NEVER EVER chance a man. ETA: I meant to say 'Chase' a man. Perhaps there's something to that 'slip'...."We're' not taking a chance on men. Hmmmm? :scratchch:

'We' (loose terms) are taught that it's not lady-like nor becoming to do such. It's the MAN who does the pursuing and not the woman. "When a MAN finds a wife....and so on.

We're good girls...obedient to what we have been taught. And that's the answer to your question....as to why?

Personnally, I don't think a woman should 'chase' after a man. I prefer to be pursued. It's nice to be pursued.

HOWEVER..."WE's all FREE..... "I think"....

BTW: Great Post of Yours....

 

[envybeauty]

Hilarious!

So, I totally understand where you're coming from, but I think the issues surrounding women not being more proactive are complex. They stem from childhood, insecurities, baggage, convenience, and lots of other things.

I hear you on that. Because there are so many Black women stop at nothing to get long, healthy hair (especially on LHCF)....I think the complexities can be overcome.

Just like with hair. There are soooooooo many women on this board that have really long hair....longer than they ever had in their life! Longer than most females in their families. They learned from this board so many tips and tricks, etc. and they applied what they learned to get long hair. Despite the fact that they may have had beadie bees and bushy tails during childhood, etc. Despite not seeing many black women with hair down their backs. Despite going to salons for years to get burned, singed, and scalped. Despite seeing women in their communities, churches, work places, on tv with short hair or weaves to indicate they can't grow hair. Despite all this, they retrain their brains, behaviors, and attitudes to take a proactive stand to get long hair.

I just wish more women would wake up to this like they did to getting long hair. Especially on LHCF where too many of us just sit back and state we are waiting on the Lord for a husband.....

 

[envybeauty]

I hear you...

Women have been taught, threatened, shamed, and chastised to NEVER EVER chance a man.

'We' (loose terms) are taught that it's not lady-like nor becoming to do such. It's the MAN who does the pursuing and not the woman. "When a MAN finds a wife....and so on.

We're good girls...obedient to what we have been taught. And that's the answer to your question....as to why?

Personnally, I don't think a woman should 'chase' after a man. I prefer to be pursued. It's nice to be pursued.

HOWEVER..."WE's all FREE..... "I think"....

BTW: Great Post of Yours....

I hear you but I think you are one step ahead of what I was thinking of. I was thinking of women who claim they don't know where/what to do to meet men period. I believe that a man should chase too but first you have to have a man in mind. A lot of women simply don't have men in mind. They hang out with their girlfriends, their sisters, their sorors, etc. and they don't get out to meet men...much less men to chase after them. Know what I mean.....

 

[Southernbella.]

That's what I'm talking about..... someone who was proactive and got what she wanted (no wonder you have such nice long hair...you know how to be proactive about stuff).

Thank you!

 

[melodee]

Good post.

Something else to think about:

Most often we do all of these things to hasten growth, when we should relax and marvel in the locks that we have been blessed with at this time. I was recently reminded that an illness can mean a total loss of hair, and that's beyond our control.

This doesn't mean we can't take the best of care for our hair. But, I think we should praise Him for what we've got.


ETA:Then we can do this, we set ourselves up for more blessings.

It's the same way with waiting for that man, when we praise Him despite what we don't have, it says to God "I am confident that my blessing will come pouring in. There's nothing wrong with asking with boldness, in fact, it's encouraged!!

 

[envybeauty]

Good post.

Something else to think about:

Most often we do all of these things to hasten growth, when we should relax and marvel in the locks that we have been blessed with at this time. I was recently reminded that an illness can mean a total loss of hair, and that's beyond our control.

This doesn't mean we can't take the best of care for our hair. But, I think we should praise Him for what we've got.


ETA:Then we can do this, we set ourselves up for more blessings.

It's the same way with waiting for that man, when we praise Him despite what we don't have, it says to God "I am confident that my blessing will come pouring in. There's nothing wrong with asking with boldness, in fact, it's encouraged!!

I agree. I believe women (and men!) should praise God. He blesses us above and beyond what we deserve. I also believe God helps those who strive to help themselves.

 

[Shimmie]

I hear you but I think you are one step ahead of what I was thinking of. I was thinking of women who claim they don't know where/what to do to meet men period. I believe that a man should chase too but first you have to have a man in mind. A lot of women simply don't have men in mind. They hang out with their girlfriends, their sisters, their sorors, etc. and they don't get out to meet men...much less men to chase after them. Know what I mean.....

All too well......I'm one of them I'm either with my family; out with my girls (both married and single) at Church, almost always for Intercessory prayer...I'm can't resist the 'call' to pray for someone...

AND I take a lot of Dance classes and I'm at the gym a lot. I'm always actively doing something.

Truthfully, God has already told me that I am getting married and to move when He says to move. His very words to me were, "Just be Ready. He that will come will come and will not tarry."

I believe Him. God has never lied to me. In every situation that I have been in, God has been there to guide me.

You have to know when God is speaking to you about your life. Yes, we are to be pro-active. Ruth was...did she not take heed to the advise of Naomi? She laid at the feet of Boaz while he slept; she worked in the fields that he owned. Even Rahab... a 'known' woman, was pro-active. She volunteered refuge for the men of Joshua and mis-guided the enemy chasing them...did they not reward her and take her with them? She became the mother of one of the seed in the Bloodline of Jesus.

Esther was pro-active. She followed her uncle's instructions to a 'T'. She kept her mouth shut and allowed herself to be prepared and therefore selected to be the Queen. Yes it was God's plan, indeed, but Esther did not have to yield, obey and take heed. She could have blown it away.

Proactive also means to prepare, not just be out there.

* Get out of depression and self-pity and get your body together.
* Take Dance lessons...go to the gym. Walk...I mean take long walks and stop riding everywhere. Get the lead out...you'll feel better about yourself and not feel inadequate regarding your 'assets.'
* Save some money... don't be broke when you finally do meet someone. Have a little something going on for yourselves.
* Clean your house. Why go out looking and being found only to have him come to your home that all dusty and musty from years of tears, waiting on him to finally come?
* Start taking better care of your hands and feet. Get rid of cuticles and Crust. Why meet him, and shake his hand and have his hands that shook yours, clawed to death?
* Have a clean mouth. Get all of your dental work done and out of the way... if you want this man to stay.
* Clean out the refridgerator. Make some room for homemade ice tea and fresh water.
* Buy new underwear that matches. He doesn't have to see them, but just 'me' knowing what I'm wearing underneath, gives me that extra boost of confidence and a prettier smile.

If we're going to be pro-active, we may as well do it right...!

One last thing...Pray "Lord lead us this day NOT into temptation. Deliver us all from all evil. Give us this day, our daily bread (daily wisdom) and please Father God, keep all of the counterfeits away. Clear the paths for him to come along... In Jesus' name, I thank you for it... Amen.

 

[envybeauty]

All too well......I'm one of them


Proactive also means to prepare, not just be out there.

* Get out of depression and self-pity and get your body together.
* Take Dance lessons...go to the gym. Walk...I mean take long walks and stop riding everywhere. Get the lead out...you'll feel better about yourself and not feel inadequate regarding your 'assets.'
* Save some money... don't be broke when you finally do meet someone. Have a little something going on for yourselves.
* Clean your house. Why go out looking and being found only to have him come to your home that all dusty and musty from years of tears, waiting on him to finally come?
* Start taking better care of your hands and feet. Get rid of cuticles and Crust. Why meet him, and shake his hand and have his hands that shook yours, clawed to death?
* Have a clean mouth. Get all of your dental work done and out of the way... if you want this man to stay.
* Clean out the refridgerator. Make some room for homemade ice tea and fresh water.
* Buy new underwear that matches. He doesn't have to see them, but just 'me' knowing what I'm wearing underneath, gives me that extra boost of confidence and a prettier smile.

If we're going to be pro-active, we may as well do it right...!

Amen to that!!!! :notworthy

 

[Bunny77]

I don't think black women are groomed on this kind of thing anyway. I think in general black women, especially Christian ones, are very relationship/marriage minded. The dating scene is uncomfortable for many of us, and we would prefer to be settled and situated. Sometimes the sheer amount of work of getting to know a person and feeling them out is overwhelming...enough to make women stay home even though they long for companionship.

This is sooo true.

I know whenever I mention dating to black women, and particularly Christian black women, the response is usually, "I don't believe in casual relationships; I'm looking for marriage," as if dating automatically means that you are having sex with that person.

I know I've casually dated at least 3 men each year over the last four years and I haven't slept with any of them. People are surprised when I say this because they assume that there's no way one can do this without getting involved sexually. I explain that some of these guys may not make it past one date, some make it to two... very few get to three or more, in which then I'm looking at them at relationship material. But the point is, I'm getting out and meeting men with no expectations in the beginning... THEN I can start thinking more seriously if one emerges from the initial pack.

While it's great that black Christian women are looking for marriage, there's a disconnect between the ultimate goal and the first step... even the most marriage-minded man might be scared off if you're talking marriage on the first date (which many women do to see if he's worth their time)... but you can't get to the point where you're talking marriage unless you go out with the man and get to know him!

So I agree that you can still be pursued and not chase a man, but be proactive at the same time. You just need to do more than the same old, same old... if the regular work/school/church/home isn't yielding any results, then it's time to get involved in more social events to expose yourself to more men.

And don't be afraid to go on dates!

 

[Divine Inspiration]

This is sooo true.

I know whenever I mention dating to black women, and particularly Christian black women, the response is usually, "I don't believe in casual relationships; I'm looking for marriage," as if dating automatically means that you are having sex with that person.

I know I've casually dated at least 3 men each year over the last four years and I haven't slept with any of them. People are surprised when I say this because they assume that there's no way one can do this without getting involved sexually. I explain that some of these guys may not make it past one date, some make it to two... very few get to three or more, in which then I'm looking at them at relationship material. But the point is, I'm getting out and meeting men with no expectations in the beginning... THEN I can start thinking more seriously if one emerges from the initial pack.

While it's great that black Christian women are looking for marriage, there's a disconnect between the ultimate goal and the first step... even the most marriage-minded man might be scared off if you're talking marriage on the first date (which many women do to see if he's worth their time)... but you can't get to the point where you're talking marriage unless you go out with the man and get to know him!

So I agree that you can still be pursued and not chase a man, but be proactive at the same time. You just need to do more than the same old, same old... if the regular work/school/church/home isn't yielding any results, then it's time to get involved in more social events to expose yourself to more men.

And don't be afraid to go on dates!

I completely agree.

 

[Ucha123]

Great thread-taking notes

 

[cocoberry10]

Great thread, and responses!

I agree with what most of you are saying. I definitely think the church has also contributed to the confusion many women feel. Like Bunny said, many women don't realize that dating does not have to equal sex.

It's just like when you meet a new female friend. There are no expectations, and you "date" in the sense that you hang out and get to know one another. You share things about yourself, and there's a natural chemistry that makes you want to spend time with these people. If we could be more relaxed, things may go easier.

But before you can be in a relationship with a man, you do have to be comfortable with yourself. Just like with our hair. As my hair has grown out, I've realized that some of the things that work for some women, don't work for my hair. I've had setbacks, and I've rushed out to get the products that "guarantee growth." But you also have to find what works for you.

I finally found a regimen that works well for my hair, and it's really simple. So women should be more proactive, but part of that is finding what works for you as an individual.

For example, if you are more reserved, you may have to put yourself out more, than someone that's outgoing. You may have to smile more, so that people don't think you are mean. On the other hand, if you are extremely outgoing and almost overbearing, you may want to tone it down a little so as not to scare people off. I'm not saying to change yourself completely (God made us each the way we are), but just being more open.

A lot of my married friends have also mentioned meeting their husbands in the most unexpected ways. So, if an opportunity to try a new activity comes, maybe you should. Or if you know you like certain things, make an effort to go to these things.

 

[InnerSoul]

Hilarious!

I agree with you. I think the issue is lack of know-how. On top of that, many women, particularly Christian black women, have issues with approaching men, and they have not yet found the medium between being available in the various places and approaching men & seeming desperate. I think some women are so leary of the latter that they'd rather do nothing at all. There is a way to get out and mingle and increase the chance of meeting a man without coming off as desperate.

I don't think black women are groomed on this kind of thing anyway. I think in general black women, especially Christian ones, are very relationship/marriage minded. The dating scene is uncomfortable for many of us, and we would prefer to be settled and situated. Sometimes the sheer amount of work of getting to know a person and feeling them out is overwhelming...enough to make women stay home even though they long for companionship.

So, I totally understand where you're coming from, but I think the issues surrounding women not being more proactive are complex. They stem from childhood, insecurities, baggage, convenience, and lots of other things. However, I believe people DO what they really want to DO. So some women will be completely prepared to go to a mixer or a single's ministry outing with hopes of meeting someone. My only issue with that is the feeling of things being forced or orchestrated. I prefer meeting people in a very natural way because for me, there's less brain work. What I mean by that is having to figure out whether I'm "forcing" whatever it is I have with this person since I went out of my way to meet them to begin with. Thus far, God has brought people in and out of my life with perfect timing so I don't like doing too much hunting and posing to meet people. I've never been the type to go to clubs, etc yet I've met plenty of men. I think we have to trust our intuition and God when deciding how "available" we should be to men. From my observation, as long as we're living a full life, meaning hobbies, interests, church functions, outings with friends, etc, we don't have to make special plans to go places to meet men. God will bring folks to us in the funniest ways if we are still.

Good post...definitely something to consider.

I like the way you voiced this.. and I agree with everything on this post. Yes I want to be married, but am still single!! but your last sentence bolded part is what I believe truly!!

 

[mch5683]

Hilarious!

I agree with you. I think the issue is lack of know-how. On top of that, many women, particularly Christian black women, have issues with approaching men, and they have not yet found the medium between being available in the various places and approaching men & seeming desperate. I think some women are so leary of the latter that they'd rather do nothing at all. There is a way to get out and mingle and increase the chance of meeting a man without coming off as desperate.

I don't think black women are groomed on this kind of thing anyway. I think in general black women, especially Christian ones, are very relationship/marriage minded. The dating scene is uncomfortable for many of us, and we would prefer to be settled and situated. Sometimes the sheer amount of work of getting to know a person and feeling them out is overwhelming...enough to make women stay home even though they long for companionship.

So, I totally understand where you're coming from, but I think the issues surrounding women not being more proactive are complex. They stem from childhood, insecurities, baggage, convenience, and lots of other things. However, I believe people DO what they really want to DO. So some women will be completely prepared to go to a mixer or a single's ministry outing with hopes of meeting someone. My only issue with that is the feeling of things being forced or orchestrated. I prefer meeting people in a very natural way because for me, there's less brain work. What I mean by that is having to figure out whether I'm "forcing" whatever it is I have with this person since I went out of my way to meet them to begin with. Thus far, God has brought people in and out of my life with perfect timing so I don't like doing too much hunting and posing to meet people. I've never been the type to go to clubs, etc yet I've met plenty of men. I think we have to trust our intuition and God when deciding how "available" we should be to men. From my observation, as long as we're living a full life, meaning hobbies, interests, church functions, outings with friends, etc, we don't have to make special plans to go places to meet men. God will bring folks to us in the funniest ways if we are still.

Good post...definitely something to consider.

AMEN! I love this post and I agree with what you are saying. It's truly about finding a balance. I struggle with this because I find to avoid coming across desparate or like "I'm looking" for a man I have settled by not socializing at all. It truly is about just living, enjoying your life, and trusting God to do the rest!

 

[Forbidden]

This thread is on time! How did I miss this one?? Wonderful insight and food for thought ladies!