Why Do So Many Women Feel That They Don't Have A Choice/power?

[LoveisYou]

Yea, I can already hear the reasoning "men do the choosing," which to some women seem to mean that they really don't have a choice.

I can't listen to ONE MORE story of a woman in a situation where she is behaving as if she doesn't have any power over what she chooses to put up with. I know matters of the heart are complicated, but you DO have a choice regarding:

-the kind of men you date;
-whether or not you choose to give "everything" to a man who refuses to commit to you
-your standards when dating/in a relationship with a man
-the choice to speak the truth about what you want. If you want a relationship stop pretending that "come over and chill" is good with you. You are lying to yourself and that man
-Being with men who abhors the idea of marriage even though you want to be married.

etc. etc.

You can't control anyone, you can only control yourself. You do have power, YOU ALSO CHOOSE.

Jumping off soap box.

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

Was this just to vent? I don't quite understand. If women feel this way then oh well to them.

 

[hopeful]

I agree OP. Women give up too much of their power.

 

[brownb83]

Well if they don't know they have power or taught that they have power, how can they know if they are giving it up? Some women don't know better. If no one taught you how are you supposed to know? No one taught me ish about men or relationships. I Learned through trial and error. It takes courage for a women to use her power. Especially if she's never used it.

 

[CaraWalker]

just to clarify, you are sick of women acting like they don't have any power or control over.... what is it exactly? being single? being in bad relationships?

i think there are two different kinds of helplessness here - one is the low self esteem/victim method, the other is just full of ****

the victim helplessness - i'm not good enough so im just going to take whatever i can get. there is nothing i can do to change this.

the full of **** helplessness - i know that i am actively participating in and contributing to these negative circumstances but in order to avoid having to take responsibility for it i'm going to pretend like it is all out of my control and there is nothing i can do to change this

a lot of women have a lot of learned helplessness though, and some of it is just part of the socialization of women and girls. we are taught tons of things that discourage autonomy and independence, so if you don't know any better you would think you are "trapped" in certain circumstances because the only way to get out of them is to behave in ways women aren't taught to behave. you want to be married, but women aren't supposed to be assertive. you want to have sex without commitment but women aren't supposed to have casual partners. you want to leave him, but women are worthless without a man. etc.

women who have a.) the self esteem to conduct themselves in manners to avoid scenario one, b.) the integrity to view themselves critically enough to avoid scenario two and c.) the strength of character to escape scenario three are probably not as common.

 

[LoveisYou]

Well if they don't know they have power or taught that they have power, how can they know if they are giving it up? Some women don't know better. If no one taught you how are you supposed to know? No one taught me ish about men or relationships. I Learned through trial and error. It takes courage for a women to use her power. Especially if she's never used it.

I get it. I do; nevertheless it irks me that so many of us deem ourselves powerless. Sometimes I want to be like, you know you don't have to accept this right?

I know we all make mistakes or have done/put up with things that are beneath us. Where does the buck stops?

 

[LoveisYou]

just to clarify, you are sick of women acting like they don't have any power or control over.... what is it exactly? being single? being in bad relationships?

i think there are two different kinds of helplessness here - one is the low self esteem/victim method, the other is just full of ****

the victim helplessness - i'm not good enough so im just going to take whatever i can get. there is nothing i can do to change this.

the full of **** helplessness - i know that i am actively participating in and contributing to these negative circumstances but in order to avoid having to take responsibility for it i'm going to pretend like it is all out of my control and there is nothing i can do to change this

a lot of women have a lot of learned helplessness though, and some of it is just part of the socialization of women and girls. we are taught tons of things that discourage autonomy and independence, so if you don't know any better you would think you are "trapped" in certain circumstances because the only way to get out of them is to behave in ways women aren't taught to behave. you want to be married, but women aren't supposed to be assertive. you want to have sex without commitment but women aren't supposed to have casual partners. you want to leave him, but women are worthless without a man. etc.

women who have a.) the self esteem to conduct themselves in manners to avoid scenario one, b.) the integrity to view themselves critically enough to avoid scenario two and c.) the strength of character to escape scenario three are probably not as common.

THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[LiftedUp]

Um everyone like different things *shrug*

If you choose not to have a choice then who am I to say no?

 

[LovelyRo]

I get it. I do; nevertheless it irks me that so many of us deem ourselves powerless. Sometimes I want to be like, you know you don't have to accept this right?

I know we all make mistakes or have done/put up with things that are beneath us. Where does the buck stops?

Some women get caught up in the idea of being with a person and allow feelings to get involved knowing deep down inside that that person will never be what they want/need. They don't want to let go; so, they hold on to whatever that person offers until they are able to come to terms with the reality of the situation.

 

[summertimewine]

It comes, from the time we are born, we are taught that ideal relationships are when a man sweeps you off your feet, and he KNOWS you're the one. It takes all of the control away from the woman. There are little to no identifying features of this woman, she just pretty, and can be slightly funny, but she definitely doesn't have any strong features (talks to much, bossy, loud, slutty etc) Because of this some women don't feel like they can be loved for who they are. They want this fairytale but since its an unobtainable goal they take whatever slim pickings they can find and force it to work no matter the consequence.

Eg: Think of Future (the rapper lol) and his baby mama (not Ciara). She was literally so happy to just be in the presence of the man who fathered her child. She just picking at scraps, and he's giving her just enough attention for her to brag to her friends and talk about all the good he's done and how they will never find a man like him etc. Like thats the ultimate goal in life...

Its a delusion and most woman cannot escape entirely. I think most woman are on varying levels of delusion.

 

[nlamr2013]

I didn't read the whole op yet but women do the choosing. If dude approaches you toy can say no

Ooh on read the op I agree women choose.

 

[kikigirl]

Low self-esteem from past abuse or lack of role models that taught her how to interact with men.

There are so many wounded women. And sometimes, a person does not even know where her repeated self-defeating or destructive patterns come from.

This is why women should always have a good support network. Not just women your age, but older women as well. If you come from a dysfunctional family, seek positive role models in good and emotionally safe circles.

But even the conscious seeking of a support network comes after her awareness that she lacks something that she is trying to fulfill through the relational crumbs that men offer...

So OP, I agree that some women give too much control to men. How to change that is hard, because IMO, it's a childhood wound that is simply manifesting itself in adulthood.

 

[sunnydaze]

There are many women out here like the ones OP discussed, dealing with scraps from men b/c they feel they have no power to do better. Then you have the opposite, the women who realize their power and use that to attract who they want into their lives and be treated the way they want. I can't speak for anyone else, but I've been stuck in the middle ground for a while: I have too much self esteem and knowledge of my worth to tolerate anyone who doesn't treat me a certain way, but yet haven't quite figured out how to tap into the power I have and use it to my advantage. I've noticed the women I know who stay dating are not in purgatory; they either tolerate scraps or they've figured out their power.

 

[PeaceFlow]

My mum is **** with men and my father was an absent one, so I don't know where my power and confidence with men originated from. I'm grateful though. I feel repelled by any behaviour that resembles how he was. Instant disinterest and dry panties LOL. Sometimes less than stellar childhood examples drives you in the opposite direction.

I do see women who don't claim their power. I just feel sad sometimes when it's a friend and I know they could have a great love life if they made better choices. There's nothing you can do though, so I try not to think about it often.

 

[tibb1908]

I think some women get caught up in the history and they get lazy, don't want to look for another man or maybe they don't think that they can find the type of man they want so they settle for the familiar.

I know these type of women but I mostly don't say anything about their relationships because they know better.

 

[simone103]

Women (and men) are basically conditioned off a patriarchal system. If you look at the concept of marriage a lot women seem to think that simply being chosen to get married by a man is the epitome of success, when it really isn't. Now if you have a positive relationship with that person before getting married that should be the over-riding factor.

 

[Kurlee]

People in general don't know they have power and can choose. Many, regardless of gender feel like they have to do what society, their peers, partners, co-workers, and the media is telling them is "normal". Very few actually step out of the box and really try to think for themselves because from a very young age, we are taught to value particular ways of doing things and ideas as "normal". People tend to very badly want to fit in.

 

[Kindheart]

just to clarify, you are sick of women acting like they don't have any power or control over.... what is it exactly? being single? being in bad relationships?

i think there are two different kinds of helplessness here - one is the low self esteem/victim method, the other is just full of ****

the victim helplessness - i'm not good enough so im just going to take whatever i can get. there is nothing i can do to change this.

the full of **** helplessness - i know that i am actively participating in and contributing to these negative circumstances but in order to avoid having to take responsibility for it i'm going to pretend like it is all out of my control and there is nothing i can do to change this

a lot of women have a lot of learned helplessness though, and some of it is just part of the socialization of women and girls. we are taught tons of things that discourage autonomy and independence, so if you don't know any better you would think you are "trapped" in certain circumstances because the only way to get out of them is to behave in ways women aren't taught to behave. you want to be married, but women aren't supposed to be assertive. you want to have sex without commitment but women aren't supposed to have casual partners. you want to leave him, but women are worthless without a man. etc.

women who have a.) the self esteem to conduct themselves in manners to avoid scenario one, b.) the integrity to view themselves critically enough to avoid scenario two and c.) the strength of character to escape scenario three are probably not as common.

Very good post . I totally agree

 

[mochalocks]

Good post.

 

[sweetvi]

Women (and men) are basically conditioned off a patriarchal system. If you look at the concept of marriage a lot women seem to think that simply being chosen to get married by a man is the epitome of success, when it really isn't. Now if you have a positive relationship with that person before getting married that should be the over-riding factor.

@simone103 you hit the nail on the head. I was taught to get married but never what to look for in a male. I knew the basics such as career , finances etc. but wasn't taught about looking for those red flags, For example, does he have a temper, does he know how to communicate, how does he handle conflict, etc? Some women will get the ring and realize sh,,t hit the fan after the I do's because they never addressed issues that may arise beforehand. this reminds me of that show married at first sight with Jess and her hubby. This man has a short fuse, argumentative and non compromising. Many women put up with it just to have the ring..

 

[ambergirl]

The giving up power is directly related to the fear of singleness and single shaming. This forum engages in some of the most virulent single shaming I have ever seen...even as we know many black women will spend significant portions of their life single.

So long as the absolute worst insult you can hurl at a black women (other than being gay) is that she's single and we continue to buy into that shame, we will continue to see women giving up their power to be with itty bitty pieces of some pathetic man.

 

[Fine 4s]

Some of your words in this thread are giving me LIVE ladies!
Love it....

 

[Fine 4s]

@simone103 you hit the nail on the head. I was taught to get married but never what to look for in a male. I knew the basics such as career , finances etc. but wasn't taught about looking for those red flags, For example, does he have a temper, does he know how to communicate, how does he handle conflict, etc? Some women will get the ring and realize sh,,t hit the fan after the I do's because they never addressed issues that may arise beforehand. this reminds me of that show married at first sight with Jess and her hubby. This man has a short fuse, argumentative and non compromising. Many women put up with it just to have the ring..

This show FASCINATES me. Like it's a social experiment to the detriment of these women and men.
All in the name of the ring.

On another note how does biology play a part in this? Any thoughts.

 

[LoveisYou]

The giving up power is directly related to the fear of singleness and single shaming. This forum engaged in some of the most virulent single shaming I have ever seen...even as we know many black women will spend significant portions of their life single.

So long as the absolute worst insult you can hurl at a black women (other than being gay) is that she's single and we continue to buy into that shame, we will continue to see women giving up their power to be with itty bitty pieces of some pathetic man.

So true, we have used shamed as a sword to cut people down. Sad. Unfortunately we use relationship statuses to define our worth, instead of realizing we've been worthy since birth.

 

[LiftedUp]

The giving up power is directly related to the fear of singleness and single shaming. This forum engages in some of the most virulent single shaming I have ever seen...even as we know many black women will spend significant portions of their life single.

So long as the absolute worst insult you can hurl at a black women (other than being gay) is that she's single and we continue to buy into that shame, we will continue to see women giving up their power to be with itty bitty pieces of some pathetic man.[/QUOTE]

This is very true!

 

[ThirdEyeBeauty]

You have to be careful with people who shame others. Sometimes there is more to the story that has absolutely nothing to do with you but they want you to think so.

I cannot stress enough to find out the different emotions of your man--especially how he acts when he is angry or upset.

 

[Kurlee]

The giving up power is directly related to the fear of singleness and single shaming. This forum engages in some of the most virulent single shaming I have ever seen...even as we know many black women will spend significant portions of their life single.

So long as the absolute worst insult you can hurl at a black women (other than being gay) is that she's single and we continue to buy into that shame, we will continue to see women giving up their power to be with itty bitty pieces of some pathetic man.

Thanks for saying the bolded with no apologies. Many threads in this forum should definitely come with trigger warnings. It's really unfortunate and extremely demoralizing for women of all walks of life. People need to be more conscientious, empathetic and mature. Your relationship or childbearing status does not define your worth as a woman.

 

[TrueBeliever]

The giving up power is directly related to the fear of singleness and single shaming. This forum engages in some of the most virulent single shaming I have ever seen...even as we know many black women will spend significant portions of their life single.

So long as the absolute worst insult you can hurl at a black women (other than being gay) is that she's single and we continue to buy into that shame, we will continue to see women giving up their power to be with itty bitty pieces of some pathetic man.

This seems to be a running theme on a lot of AA dominated message boards. It seems to always come down to it being the woman's fault for being single.
Like it's a negative circumstance such as carrying a criminal record.

 

[fletgee]

The power we have or lack as women comes from many factors. I feel it starts with our parents. Mom and dad are our first glimpse of male/female relationships. And as little girls we identified with Mommy. We saw how she handled her mate, voice and attitude within that relationship. Was she happy, sad, controlling, soft spoken, bold or just went with what dad wanted no matter how she felt? It was a strong influence as to how we embraced our power as women.

I totally embrace my power. Men are attracted to me
because they say I know what I want and will not settle for less. I keep high my heels and my expectations
high. That's power.