Why Do I Keep Hurting Him?

[taytay86]

After years of mistreatment from the men in my life, it's extremely hard for me to open up and love another. I always expect the worst to happen and find myself pushing him to prove to myself that he is just like the rest. I won't lie, I can be very revengeful at times, and instead of thinking of love (loving your enemy) when I'm hurt, and instantly want to hurt him back, sometimes even taking it steps too far (I read a text message he was having with another woman, and because of the subject matter I just knew he was cheating - so I went out and did it out of spite). I guess you can say its satisfactory to me because now I feel like he knows how I feel. This is isn't normal, and I know it.

He's no Saint, but many times I've done things he would never do mostly because of his personality vs. mine. A lot of the things I do to him, especially when I'm angry he would never do, or at least not to that degree. He's shown me time and time again that he wants us to work - but I was too busy trying to prove to myself that he was a liar just like everyone else so I wouldn't end up getting hurt again. This has obviously put a strain on our relationship - so much so that I feel I'm pushing him away which could lead to me pushing him into the arms of another woman. He is the only one to treat me the way he does, and I should be greatful but instead I become selfish. Even when he does mess up, it's nothing compared to what I've dealt with with previous men.

It hurts me, when I see the end result (me hurting him) even though it feels good in the process. But I never seem to think of "love and kindness" when I'm angry - everyone just becomes a blurr, including him - but it shouldn't be that way if I truly love him. Right?

I know I don't deserve him, and I want to love him unconditionally - but I can't seem to get it right.

 

[tiara76]

when you learn to love yourself unconditionally...it will be that much easier to to the same towards him...sounds like you have alot of emotional, mental and spiritual healing to do mama..on yourself.....he sounds like the type of guy that could supportive of you in the process, but gotta turn inwards and work on all that negativity...unless hes engulfed in negativity as well and you two feed off each other, there will come a point where he will walk away

 

[taytay86]

when you learn to love yourself unconditionally...it will be that much easier to to the same towards him...sounds like you have alot of emotional, mental and spiritual healing to do mama..on yourself.....he sounds like the type of guy that could supportive of you in the process, but gotta turn inwards and work on all that negativity...unless hes engulfed in negativity as well and you two feed off each other, there will come a point where he will walk away

Silly question - how do I know for sure that the issue is I need to love myself first- because I believe I do...but you could have a point...

 

[tiara76]

Silly question - how do I know for sure that the issue is I need to love myself first- because I believe I do...but you could have a point...

well i think the main issue is you have unhealed emotional wounds to tend to....things you havent let go, things and people you havent forgiven for past hurts

I can only speak for myself personally on unconditional love and my definition of it is true to me....its honesty, respect, acceptance, forgiveness, tolerance, nurturing, appreciation, caring, giving and understanding and over the years I have learned to truly apply unconditional love to myself with the help of others in my life who helped me get to this point..even the people who "hurt" me

forgiveness has never been hard for me, I did have to learn understanding throughout my years of evolving....and learning to understand people made it that much easier to forgive and let go and move on...

the ego holds on to hurt and pain and reflects it onto others... and batters the spirit...when the spirit is healthy love emanates through it...so working on nurturing your spirit, healing urself is loving yourself

those people in the past aren't the ones today who are hurting you, you are hurting yourself not letting go and moving on and continuing to hurt yourself and others to me personally is not a reflection of self love so thats why I said it

and again....let me add I speak for myself on this so if you feel you love yourself I have no problem standing corrected mama

I wish u the best regardless in workin it out

 

[Ivonnovi]

Try reading a book called 10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives. It's not the "nicest" read there is, but it will provide you some interesting insight as to how to learn to avoid some of the triggers that set your negative behavor into motion. And you can learn from the mistakes of others.

Till then, spend more time thinking your actions completely through and be a little slower to react to the negatives in your life. In the end YOU will have control, and YOU will be happier.

IHTH

 

[taytay86]

Try reading a book called 10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives. It's not the "nicest" read there is, but it will provide you some interesting insight as to how to learn to avoid some of the triggers that set your negative behavor into motion. And you can learn from the mistakes of others.

Till then, spend more time thinking your actions completely through and be a little slower to react to the negatives in your life. End the end YOU will have control, and YOU will be happier.

IHTH

Thanks, I'll check it out.