After years of mistreatment from the men in my life, it's extremely hard for me to open up and love another. I always expect the worst to happen and find myself pushing him to prove to myself that he is just like the rest. I won't lie, I can be very revengeful at times, and instead of thinking of love (loving your enemy) when I'm hurt, and instantly want to hurt him back, sometimes even taking it steps too far (I read a text message he was having with another woman, and because of the subject matter I just knew he was cheating - so I went out and did it out of spite). I guess you can say its satisfactory to me because now I feel like he knows how I feel. This is isn't normal, and I know it.
He's no Saint, but many times I've done things he would never do mostly because of his personality vs. mine. A lot of the things I do to him, especially when I'm angry he would never do, or at least not to that degree. He's shown me time and time again that he wants us to work - but I was too busy trying to prove to myself that he was a liar just like everyone else so I wouldn't end up getting hurt again. This has obviously put a strain on our relationship - so much so that I feel I'm pushing him away which could lead to me pushing him into the arms of another woman. He is the only one to treat me the way he does, and I should be greatful but instead I become selfish. Even when he does mess up, it's nothing compared to what I've dealt with with previous men.
It hurts me, when I see the end result (me hurting him) even though it feels good in the process. But I never seem to think of "love and kindness" when I'm angry - everyone just becomes a blurr, including him - but it shouldn't be that way if I truly love him. Right?
I know I don't deserve him, and I want to love him unconditionally - but I can't seem to get it right.
He's no Saint, but many times I've done things he would never do mostly because of his personality vs. mine. A lot of the things I do to him, especially when I'm angry he would never do, or at least not to that degree. He's shown me time and time again that he wants us to work - but I was too busy trying to prove to myself that he was a liar just like everyone else so I wouldn't end up getting hurt again. This has obviously put a strain on our relationship - so much so that I feel I'm pushing him away which could lead to me pushing him into the arms of another woman. He is the only one to treat me the way he does, and I should be greatful but instead I become selfish. Even when he does mess up, it's nothing compared to what I've dealt with with previous men.
It hurts me, when I see the end result (me hurting him) even though it feels good in the process. But I never seem to think of "love and kindness" when I'm angry - everyone just becomes a blurr, including him - but it shouldn't be that way if I truly love him. Right?
I know I don't deserve him, and I want to love him unconditionally - but I can't seem to get it right.
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