Who Doesn't Believe In Divorce?

[JeterCrazed]

um, if he's DL and clean.. divorce...DL and positive I'll be a widow Abusive..I'll be a widow .. Cheats..divorce ...harms my child or any child for that matter...Again, i'll be a widow... Other then that.. nah, aint no divorce happening.

Cheating and positive

Sent from my HTC Inspire™

 

[Browndilocks]

I'm a believer in divorce. All four of my aunt's children have emotional issues & trouble in school because she refuses to leave a drug abusing, non-working, dead beat dad who contributes to their children's mental trauma. It is crystal clear that divorce would actually help the children but she continues to make them suffer by staying married to a selfish fool.

 

[Poohbear]

I also feel like if you believe in divorce, then you do not completely agree with the idea of marriage. Therefore, you should not get married if you are not going to marry "for better or worse, for richer or poor, in sickness and health, etc."

What's considered "for worse" in a marriage is relative and different for everyone. You must decide for yourself what you absolutely cannot and will not put up with in a life long commitment with someone.

For example: If cheating is one of your deal breakers, and if he cheated on you before you get married or if he has the potential to cheat, you should not get married to that man. Now if you are a woman that is strong enough to forgive and reconcile with a cheating partner, then marriage can work for you.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I also feel like if you believe in divorce, then you do not completely agree with the idea of marriage. Therefore, you should not get married if you are not going to marry "for better or worse, for richer or poor, in sickness and health, etc."

What's considered "for worse" in a marriage is relative and different for everyone. You must decide for yourself what you absolutely cannot and will not put up with in a life long commitment with someone.

For example: If cheating is one of your deal breakers, and if he cheated on you before you get married or if he has the potential to cheat, you should not get married to that man. Now if you are a woman that is strong enough to forgive and reconcile with a cheating partner, then marriage can work for you.

hit the nail on the head.

 

[TamedTresses]

I agree with the idea of marriage, and, in some instances, I agree with the idea of divorce. I will not get married with the idea that I will divorce my husband, but if he becomes abusive I will DIVORCE his @ss. Point.blank.period. I am not going to stay in an abusive marriage because I vowed 'for better or worse'. There is better, worse and abuse...not sticking around for the latter.

Also, if I did not know that he was cheating on me and I married him, what then? I should stay? I may or may not have the capacity to forgive him. If I do, and he refuses to repel his whoreish ways then I am DIVORCING his sorry @ss. I am not going to subject myself to that abuse (yes, it's still abuse) and whatever diseases may stem from his unscrupulous behavior.

 

[Browndilocks]

I also feel like if you believe in divorce, then you do not completely agree with the idea of marriage. Therefore, you should not get married if you are not going to marry "for better or worse, for richer or poor, in sickness and health, etc."

What's considered "for worse" in a marriage is relative and different for everyone. You must decide for yourself what you absolutely cannot and will not put up with in a life long commitment with someone.

For example: If cheating is one of your deal breakers, and if he cheated on you before you get married or if he has the potential to cheat, you should not get married to that man. Now if you are a woman that is strong enough to forgive and reconcile with a cheating partner, then marriage can work for you.

I couldn't disagree more. To say that you do not agree with the idea of marriage because of your stance on divorce is rather off target and anal. It's too broad of a subject to marginalize in that manner. Everybody has the potential to do anything (including to stay or not stay with a cheater). But as you mentioned, those things are relative and different for each person.

 

[JFemme]

Keep Living....

tis all~

 

[Poohbear]

I couldn't disagree more. To say that you do not agree with the idea of marriage because of your stance on divorce is rather off target and anal. It's too broad of a subject to marginalize in that manner. Everybody has the potential to do anything (including to stay or not stay with a cheater). But as you mentioned, those things are relative and different for each person.

Browndilocks - So do you just believe in marriage "for better" and not the "for worse" part?

 

[barbiesocialite]

I think that the majority of women who say they " dont believe in divorce" have never been abused, or habitually cheated on. I had a nice wedding only four years ago infront of all of my family and friends. NO ONE could have told me at that time that my husband would fly back overseas and be with his girlfriend and continue the relationship for five years. Ofcourse now that he is home he says he doesn't want a divorce and that he has changed. What I learned from all this is BELEIVE WHAT PEOPLE ARE. I wanted to be in denial, "not MY husband" no way!!! Not a man who has Bible study at his job and goes to church with me and prays with me. NO WAY!!! But, I now accept the fact that yes, my husband the name on prayed with me, went to church with me who I "thought' was my lifetime partner was a serial cheater who spent every penny that our household had for the last five years. Can I get over that?? NO. Somethings are not recoverable and I think this is one of them. Like a poster said earlier divorce is a very deep and painful process. People just dont get a divorce because of bs, usually its something serious. Four years ago did I "believe" in divorce? NO. But then again, I didn't think that I would be cheated on either...

i wouldn't be so quick to assume or judge.

physical abuse is one thing, but in IME & IMO, couples that experience emotional abuse are usually co-dependent from the get go. They both abuse each other. I haven't seen any examples, personally or from other people, where this has not been the case.

Furthermore, this brings me back to the reason why I insist on dating people only from two-parent homes. They have usually seen it all, the good, the bad and the ugly-- and understand the amount of individual testing and work required to make it work. Just my two cents...

 

[Browndilocks]

I do, but not when the "for worse" is "kick my arse, verbally abuse and abandon our babies, steal money and credit cards from my purse leaving our children with nothing to eat" for worse. I am willing to stick a few things out with a person at the cost of my own happiness. Yet when it clearly starts to affect defenseless people who I'm responsible for, whose lives are being endangered & affected, who did not take those vows, then no.

"For better" is sometimes having to BE better.

Sometimes you just have to think.

 

[TamedTresses]

i wouldn't be so quick to assume or judge.

physical abuse is one thing, but in IME & IMO, couples that experience emotional abuse are usually co-dependent from the get go. They both abuse each other. I haven't seen any examples, personally or from other people, where this has not been the case.

Furthermore, this brings me back to the reason why I insist on dating people only from two-parent homes. They have usually seen it all, the good, the bad and the ugly-- and understand the amount of individual testing and work required to make it work. Just my two cents...

In the same token, some of them may have seen that mom will turn a blind-eye to dad's infidelity. Girl's may grow up thinking they must do the same and boys will assume they will be pardoned for stepping out on the marriage. I mean, if a father shows no respect for his daughter's mother, how do they grow up expecting respect from a man. And, if a man teaches his son, by example, that it is ok to step outside of the marriage, what are the odds that his son will not do the same?

Just because someone grows up in a two-parent household does not mean that they have experienced what a healthy marriage is. For all you know they could have been raised in pure dysfunction.

 

[barbiesocialite]

In the same token, some of them may have seen that mom will turn a blind-eye to dad's infidelity. Girl's may grow up thinking they must do the same and boys will assume they will be pardoned for stepping out on the marriage. I mean, if a father shows no respect for his daughter's mother, how do they grow up expecting respect from a man. And, if a man teaches his son, by example, that it is ok to step outside of the marriage, what are the odds that his son will not do the same?

Just because someone grows up in a two-parent household does not mean that they have experienced what a healthy marriage is. For all you know they could have been raised in pure dysfunction.

this all goes back to what @Poohbear said about sincerely believing in the concept of marriage and understanding--via experience--what "for better or for worse" truly means. For various reasons, personal and research, I also believe all families are dysfuntional to an extent anyway because no one is perfect and all human beings are flawed...TBH, most people don't go around airing their dirty laundry (esp when children are involved. i.e. I firmly believe in not arguing or exposing marital problems in front of kids) so what you see on the outside might be very different from reality.

 

[TamedTresses]

this all goes back to what @Poohbear said about sincerely believing in the concept of marriage and understanding--via experience--what "for better or for worse" truly means. For various reasons, personal and research, I also believe all families are dysfuntional to an extent anyway because no one is perfect and all human beings are flawed...

I read what Poohbear wrote, but I was referencing what you stated about only dating people from two-parent households. By your own admission, every family is flawed. So children who grew up seeing their parents accept infidelity in the marriage is no better than the children who saw that mom decided to walk away because she deserved better.

I've known many men who swore they will never cheat on a woman because they saw the pain inflicted on their mom by their father's infidelity...the mom who decided to leave and raise them in a single-parent household. And, there are many girls who expect more from men because their mother did not stay in an abusive, dysfunctional marriage and decided not to 'suck it up and deal with it'.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I read what Poohbear wrote, but I was referencing what you stated about only dating people from two-parent households. By your own admission, every family is flawed. So children who grew up seeing their parents accept infidelity in the marriage is no better than the children who saw that mom decided to walk away because she deserved better.

I've known many men who swore they will never cheat on a woman because they saw the pain inflicted on their mom by their father's infidelity...the mom who decided to leave and raise them in a single-parent household. And, there are many girls who expect more from men because their mother did not stay in an abusive, dysfunctional marriage and decided not to 'suck it up and deal with it'.

Again, values in regards to whats better or for worse are relative. What some may think is deplorable and dysfunctional, others may not blink an eye because it truly is not an issue for them. I personally believe in marriage as both a personal commitment and a civic duty. Unless it's immediately life threatening, I believe in getting married and staying married above all else. It's an intrinsic core value for me. Some people believe in getting married for love and the idea that it's supposed to make you happy. That is not the design or purpose of marriage IMO so my understanding of for better or worse may be different than those looking for love....

 

[TamedTresses]

Again, values in regards to whats better or for worse are relative. What some may think is deplorable and dysfunctional, others may not blink an eye because it truly is not an issue for them. I personally believe in marriage as both a personal commitment and a civic duty. Unless it's immediately life threatening, I believe in getting married and staying married above all else. It's an intrinsic core value for me. Some people believe in getting married for love and the idea that it's supposed to make you happy. That is not the design or purpose of marriage IMO so my understanding of for better or worse may be different than those looking for love....

And, again, I was referencing your statement on children raised in two-parent households. I saw you edited your post...

Furthermore, this brings me back to the reason why I insist on dating people only from two-parent homes. They have usually seen it all, the good, the bad and the ugly-- and understand the amount of individual testing and work required to make it work. Just my two cents...

TBH, most people don't go around airing their dirty laundry (esp when children are involved. i.e. I firmly believe in not arguing or exposing marital problems in front of kids) so what you see on the outside might be very different from reality.

I'm unsure of how kids raised in two-parent households are afforded the opportunity to see the 'good, bad and ugly' and see, firsthand, the amount of individual testing that occurs in a marriage when you stated that most people don't air their 'dirty laundry' in front of their kids. You also stated that you don't believe in arguing or exposing marital problems in front of kids. So in essence, the kids raised in two-parent households only see the good and not the bad, which does not prepare them for the individual testing that occurs in a marriage.

But I digress. We appear to be talking about two different issues.

 

[barbiesocialite]

But I digress. We appear to be talking about two different issues.

we can agree to disagree, marital values are relative depending on one's upbringing. It's all a matter of personal preference

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ I don't understand why you believe a two parent household makes for better marriage partners. There are alot of screwed up husbands and wives who model bad marital behavior to their kids everyday, plenty of people from two parent households are lousy partners for a variety of reasons, and plenty of people from single parent households are stellar partners.

In my experience, that's just not a filter that has any correlation to better relationship behavior.

Better to just keep your eyes and ears open when dating because most people will show and tell you what they're about in short order.

 

[Ladybelle]

Why do all of these convos always end up being about one situation being better than another one? I mean dang...crap happens! I think someone said it already, just keep living!

Sent from my PC36100 using PC36100

 

[Mis007]

Do spouses ever change for the better, or change together, as a couple? Or is change inherently bad in a relationship?

Yes some do, and often marriages are made stronger because of what they had gone through. But one must be dedicated to see it through.

 

[Mis007]

I think that the majority of women who say they " dont believe in divorce" have never been abused, or habitually cheated on. I had a nice wedding only four years ago infront of all of my family and friends. NO ONE could have told me at that time that my husband would fly back overseas and be with his girlfriend and continue the relationship for five years. Ofcourse now that he is home he says he doesn't want a divorce and that he has changed. What I learned from all this is BELEIVE WHAT PEOPLE ARE. I wanted to be in denial, "not MY husband" no way!!! Not a man who has Bible study at his job and goes to church with me and prays with me. NO WAY!!! But, I now accept the fact that yes, my husband the name on prayed with me, went to church with me who I "thought' was my lifetime partner was a serial cheater who spent every penny that our household had for the last five years. Can I get over that?? NO. Somethings are not recoverable and I think this is one of them. Like a poster said earlier divorce is a very deep and painful process. People just dont get a divorce because of bs, usually its something serious. Four years ago did I "believe" in divorce? NO. But then again, I didn't think that I would be cheated on either...

Agree, not only do you have to deal with the death of the marriage, you also deal with judgmental people who are ready to riducule you if you are the one who has ended the marriage and the vicious rumors that is encountered. You may also lose friends and in the process realise true friends versus acquaintances.

 

[naturalgyrl5199]

I think most people believe in divorce but not all for the same reasons. After 4.5 yrs of marriage I do believe divorce is appropriate for many reasons...like-if hubby decided he wanted to use me as a punching bag for example....but after being together 12+ years (been dating since I was 18--and he was 19) we are past a lot of foolishness and pettiness many people still tend to divorce for. I think thats what many people who say they "don't belive in divorce" may be thinking. Most divorces are due to not marrying fpr the right reasons from day 1, or just plain immaturity/lack of communication, or lack of good examples of healthy or long lasting marriage. My hubby says he doesn't believe in divorce. His parents are still married, love each other but he says they both used to put their hands on each other....so who are we to judge? I think people nowadays just don't know how to stay "stay in the kitchen" even if things get hot anymore.....so quick to give up and lack the know how to get things right again....Anyhoo...JMHO.


Sent from my iPhone 4 using LHCF

 

[naturalgyrl5199]

I'm a believer in divorce. All four of my aunt's children have emotional issues & trouble in school because she refuses to leave a drug abusing, non-working, dead beat dad who contributes to their children's mental trauma. It is crystal clear that divorce would actually help the children but she continues to make them suffer by staying married to a selfish fool.

As crazy as this may sound, the separation/divorce of these two may make things worse for the kids. I'm not suggesting she stay at all-cause I would divorce him too. But she has to be prepared for a few steps backwards before progress ensues. The obvious always "sounds" easy but thats not always the case-especially with kids. They may actually love their dad. Though my dad ended up on drugs for a while after my parents divorce and is better now, I still love and adore him and was old enough to understand it wasn't the kids it was him. That and thanks to a mom who let him go but never dogged him out in front of us.


Sent from my iPhone 4 using LHCF

 

[anon123]

Thanks. People wanna get all technical. You know what the hell I mean,

Under that interpretation, "I don't believe in the death penalty" means you believe no one has ever been given the death penalty.

I believe in it, but only for seriously egregious offenses. "Falling out of love" is not one of those reasons to me. Abuse, addiction, that sort of thing, are. Though I expect marriage will improve my life, I don't expect it to "make" me happy. I have had ups and downs, happy times and times of serious depression, single. I don't expect to not have these times married. That's part of life to me. But I've never been married, so what do I know?

 

[Guitarhero]

Hold up...if said man didn't cheat beforehand, are you supposed to now believe that you could handle it? Sure, it says that G-d hates divorce...but it also says that it exists. Divorce happens before the paperwork...perhaps, that is the part G-d hates? The tomfoolery and treachery? Divorce is legal in scripture. For better or for worse being relative to the situation and the individual...what if he gave your a$$ AIDS? I mean, it only takes an imagination of "what it" to realize that divorce is a viable option.

 

[Aviah]

Do spouses ever change for the better, or change together, as a couple? Or is change inherently bad in a relationship?

Mortons

I have a great aunt and uncle, who if it was me in her marriage, I would have left. He used to hit her (and she would come for him, weapons and all), sit at home while she made the money, and that's all I know in terms of the bad. Here they are, 45+ years later still married, and he's a whole different person. Its really cute to see them now. It really surprised me to hear they were ever like that (this was before I was born). However to go through that... I wouldn't have made it, especially with the physical fighting.

 

[Farida]

I don't believe divorce is an option in MY marriage.

I see so many couples that should not even have been together in the first place for very serious reasons. If the pair itself is fundamentally dysfunctional you can't fix that. You can try and engineer a house as solid and as pretty as you want but if the foundation is lacking it is only a matter of time before it all comes crashing down.

If both people are good people, in a well-matched relationship with a good foundation committed to make things work, barring addiction, abuse and adultery divorce should not be an option. When there's no way out, both of you will work to make the "IN" as good as possible. Then again, it all depends on the relationship that it is based on.

 

[natumer]

Divorce is an option. Taking the option off the table might cause people to take you for granted. The vows were taken together for Better or Worse it does not mean you give me your worst. To me it means to be able to deal with the worst situation thrown at us together. Why should you accept someone willingly doing you wrong over and over again. Sickness I get, not your fault (unless you get stds, that's different), poor I can take if it's not beyond your control, worst when you're the one causing me pain and creating the bad situation, that's a problem. People take the vows too literally, they think worst means I will accept anything from you. Instead of looking at the vows that you said in honoring and loving me. So if you're doing wrong in the marriage, those vows were already broken, divorce just make it legal.

If your partner is not on the same page as you, pulling you back and and is not present in your marriage, what do you do ignore it and stay married? It takes two to be in a marriage, one person cannot do it all and you cannot control the other. Marriage is beyond love, beyond two people and even beyond the children. Divorce is very serious and should be considered only as last resort. Marriage is difficult and complicated, that's one of those things to me that is personal and everyone has to do what's best for him/herself.

 

[cutenss]

I use to not believe in divorce, until I got married.

 

[auparavant]

Me. I don't believe in divorce and never have when it is abused...only if absolutely necessary and for serious offenses. It's not a panacea for that ails relationships and is a very serious affair, imho.

 

[sylver2]

my aunt doesnt. her dh never holds a job, lost a lot of their savings, had another child during the marriage, and now flaunts his 20 yr old girlfriend around. hes 50.