Who Doesn't Believe In Divorce?

I don't believe in divorce for petty reasons (i.e. he doesn't put the toilet seat down, she doesn't have his dinner ready when I get home, etc). However, for serious problems in which one or both parties can't let it go (i.e. husband/wife cheats and doesn't show remorse OR wife/husband can't trust him/her afterwards no matter how hard they try), or truly irreconcilable differences (i.e. Man has been a closeted homosexual for years and then comes out of the closet, physical or sexual abuse of children, etc) then I don't see the problem. We weren't meant to live our lives miserable and kids DO pick up on tension.


That said, DH and I have been married for over ten years now. We've had some ups and downs, but nothing that has made divorce seem appealing. Perhaps my opinion would be different if I had experience (God-forbid).
 
I have a cousin who recently divorced her husband, and one of the reasons was because he didn't go to the gym with her to workout (which I think is a dumb reason to divorce). He was a big guy and she was petite and in shape.
 
One of my colleagues divorced her first husband because she said that he was "boring." He was a homebody and she likes to travel.
Now THAT'S a petty reason to divorce.
 
Poohbear said:
I have a cousin who recently divorced her husband, and one of the reasons was because he didn't go to the gym with her to workout (which I think is a dumb reason to divorce). He was a big guy and she was petite and in shape.
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Are you sure thats not just the excuse she told you? It is possible she was ashamed or embarrassed about the real reason and just told you the gym story.

On a side note, I heard on the news yesterday that courts are actually taking Alzheimer's as a reason to get divorced.
 
Poohbear said:
Not really. People are who they are. Most of the time in a relationship, a woman ignores how the man really is and then starts hoping that he changes into the man she wants him to be over time which usually doesn't happen.
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I agree. Unless some sort of addictive substance has been introduced, human beings rarely undergo radical changes.

All too frequently, couples will enter into an interpersonal relationship as an unevenly unyoked unit; with each having their own set of skewed perceptions and expectations of themselves, their partner and the union as a whole.


 
tmhuggiebear said:
Are you sure thats not just the excuse she told you? It is possible she was ashamed or embarrassed about the real reason and just told you the gym story.

On a side note, I heard on the news yesterday that courts are actually taking Alzheimer's as a reason to get divorced.
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There were other reasons that I cannot remember. I know another one was about eating. She's a vegetarian and he's not. She wanted him to eat like her. And he was a homebody I think. She liked to go out and party. Most of the reasons were petty, nothing serious like abuse or cheating.
 
I am currently engaged, and my fiance and I have talked about how we feel about divorce and for us, divorce is not an option.
He says all the time "there is no out" so I guess for us,THIS IS IT!
(But neither of us has a crystal ball, so who knows what the future holds!:lachen:)

Question:
What happens if you are married to someone who develops a gambling addiction and they constantly squander the finances?
Blow through your kids' college funds and all your savings?
Get a second mortgage on the house to support their habit?
Max out the credit cards?

If you all have been to counseling about the gambling and they still don't stop and it goes on for years and years, getting progressively worse, is there ever a point where divorce in an option in cases like these?
Or do you separate with no intention to divorce?

What about changing faiths?
I don't mean switching denominations, but changing who/what/how they worship?
What if your spouse quits the faith that you two currently practice and instead joins a cult?

Extreme, I know, but not impossible. Just curious to know where you all stand in these scenarios.

I know what I would do in both instances.....be back later with my answers.

Minx

ETA: Sorry to hijack your thread, Pook!
 
Do spouses ever change for the better, or change together, as a couple? Or is change inherently bad in a relationship?
 
I do. If he cheats or if he stops believing in God or if he becomes morbidly obese and wont change or if he is morbidly obese and stops washing his *** and can't get out the bed (not due to sickness or injury just laziness)....any of those and I am out.

Sent from my DROID3 using DROID3
 
I don't.

I feel like my parents f*cked up my life by breaking up lol Whenever they get irritated with my decisions, I like to make them feel guilty by reminding them that thanks to them I'm a product of a broken home. So they aren't mad at me, they are mad at themselves for poor parenting lol
 
Lol barbiesocialite, nice diversion

but the thing is, imo, bad parenting does not equal singe parent homes. some people are better apart. Some people can coparent really well. All versions of families and parenting require commitment and thought.

Mortons of course change isnt an inheritently bad thing... but i definitely think that there is something to be said for... change. in needs, wants, desires... etc.

What spacetygrss said sounds like something they should have figured out before getting married.
 
I know a lot of Christians who believe you should only divorce under the worst circumstances, and then if you do, you can never remarry or be in a relationship! That's the way they believe at my husband's church. Well, that's the way it was, until the pastor changed the "rules" so that his morbidly obese daughter could have her only chance at love, I guess. She wasn't married before, but her husband was. As far as I know they were against that sort of thing, but he let them get married at his church. I love when people hypocritically bend their own rules to suit their purposes.
 
Minx said:
Question:
What happens if you are married to someone who develops a gambling addiction and they constantly squander the finances?
Blow through your kids' college funds and all your savings?
Get a second mortgage on the house to support their habit?
Max out the credit cards?
Click to expand...

There is counseling and ways to hide your money. No, I wouldn't want to live like that but, unless he is mistreating me, we can work through a gambling problem.

If you all have been to counseling about the gambling and they still don't stop and it goes on for years and years, getting progressively worse, is there ever a point where divorce in an option in cases like these?
Or do you separate with no intention to divorce?
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What will separating do? Probably make them gamble even more. When you really care about someone you're there for them. I know it's draining and it's hard, well like is hard at times. Often times when we think we can't handle anymore, we prove how strong we are.

If things didn't change and our family was in danger (like losing our home, car, etc. etc.) yes, I would have to separate.

What about changing faiths?
I don't mean switching denominations, but changing who/what/how they worship?
What if your spouse quits the faith that you two currently practice and instead joins a cult?
Click to expand...

Hahaha! So, what? People learn and grow. As long as my husband doesn't start eating pork and trying to get me to eat it that's him. We'll be separated on judgement day.

Just don't bring no voodoo spell casting stuff up in here... some religions will be cause for us to sleep in separate rooms though. :nono:
 
I don't believe in divorce, and don't think anyone should walk into a marriage with their attorney on speed dial - but crap happens and sometimes divorce is unfoseeable, unpreventable, and neccessary.
 
Poohbear said:
Not really. People are who they are. Most of the time in a relationship, a woman ignores how the man really is and then starts hoping that he changes into the man she wants him to be over time which usually doesn't happen.
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Thanks is not enough, this is so very true. Women expect men to change and men expect women not to. It rarely, if ever works that way. The man you get at the altar is usually the man he's gonna be. If he changes - it's usually for the worse. If he wasn't romantic before you said I do, the wedding license won't change that and so on and so forth.
 
Ladybelle said:
I don't believe in divorce, and don't think anyone should walk into a marriage with their attorney on speed dial - but crap happens and sometimes divorce is unfoseeable, unpreventable, and neccessary.
Click to expand...

Thanks isn't enough.

There's A LOT of idealism going on in this thread. I agree that there are plenty of couples breaking up for dumb reasons, but divorce has always been around and there will ALWAYS be instances when divorce will be the appropriate response to a situation.
 
Poohbear said:
Not really. People are who they are. Most of the time in a relationship, a woman ignores how the man really is and then starts hoping that he changes into the man she wants him to be over time which usually doesn't happen.
Click to expand...

That goes into my question about the "changed" thing. I sometimes want to ask "Did they really change, or did your thoughts about them change?"
 
Everyone I've know who has divorced has done it for the "acceptable" reasons of cheating, abuse, or addiction. Usually it affects other parts of the marriage (all three can be related to money issues, for example), but those are often that catalyst and what pushes people over the edge.

For example (these people are still married, but it still shows the thought process), I know of a couple where the man cheated and brought home a disease. She did not divorce him directly after the cheating. However, all his other faults seemed to magnify in light of his infidelity (while she pushes the real issue aside) and so she talks about divorce for the dumbest reasons. The real reason she is having problems with her husband is still the infidelity.

I know many divorced people and in my experience people aren't divorcing just because. I'm sure some people do, but I don't think it's as rampant as people believe.
 
I actually wish my parents divorced. They didn't like each other and argued every day all day. Tried to work it out and it didn't work. Miserable, just miserable. They were better when they were apart. When they separated me and my sis were so damn happy!

My mom believed in working it out and it killed her. Literally. My dad stressed her out so bad she got stress inducing health problems. :nono: Worried about him. :nono:

I never plan on divorcing DH, but if need be, shooooooot....I'll be throwing him papers so fast. :lol: DH believes in working things out. I do too, but sometimes talking and counseling just doesn't work. But now that I have my DD, I'll make it work as much as I can.
 
I do not believe in divorce over stupid stuff however if the atmosphere is hostile beyond repair, their is abuse, sexual abuse, drug use, or chronic cheating it is not worth staying married. I've heard of way too many stories of marriages where one person fought to work things out and it ended very badly.
 
pookaloo83 said:
I actually wish my parents divorced. They didn't like each other and argued every day all day. Tried to work it out and it didn't work. Miserable, just miserable. They were better when they were apart. When they separated me and my sis were so damn happy!

My mom believed in working it out and it killed her. Literally. My dad stressed her out so bad she got stress inducing health problems. :nono: Worried about him. :nono:

I never plan on divorcing DH, but if need be, shooooooot....I'll be throwing him papers so fast. :lol: DH believes in working things out. I do too, but sometimes talking and counseling just doesn't work. But now that I have my DD, I'll make it work as much as I can.
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(((((HUGS))))

I've heard this story so many times from children who had to go through this and from therapist who have had to treat children who lived in hostile environments where divorce would have been the best option. Most parents think that they should work things out for the kids but that's often one of the worse things too do. When they "work" things out it should be for each other 1st then the kids. I know of a family where the mother went back to a bad marriage and her husband killed her and her children are still messed up til this day and it happened years ago. It wasn't worth it at the end of the day.
 
tamz412 said:
Lol barbiesocialite, nice diversion

but the thing is, imo, bad parenting does not equal singe parent homes. some people are better apart. Some people can coparent really well. All versions of families and parenting require commitment and thought.

Mortons of course change isnt an inheritently bad thing... but i definitely think that there is something to be said for... change. in needs, wants, desires... etc.

What spacetygrss said sounds like something they should have figured out before getting married.
Click to expand...

I've spent adequate time on both sides of the fence (two-parent and single-parent) since I was already in my teens when my parents marriage dissolved. There is def a lesser of the two evils ime. There was def more structure, disclipine and higher expectations for personal and social behavior. I think it Thiends that said that men as a rule are the law, and in absence of the law there is usually anarchy. Particularly with me being older than most blk children in experiecing a rift in household structure, I took my father not being in the house daily as a free for all bc there were fewer consequences. Grant it he still picked us up from school daily and my mom made us spend weekends with him, but its diff when there were two parents in the house all day everyday to maintain order and ensure all the child's needs are met (personal, social, emotional and financial) provided me with more of a sense of security and stability. That experience def gave me perspective on why there need to be two parents in the home and I wouldn't wish that experience on my children. I also feel like my parents were arrogant, selfish and short-sighted and using their kids as guine pigs in the decision bc they can't relate and never lived through it bc they always had both their parents. I felt abandonded by both of them...

Tbh, my only saving grace was that I went to live with my grandparents so I wasn't entirely raised by a single mother.

Furthermore, I also don't particualrly like who either one of them have evolved into as indivudals since the dissolution of their marriage. They were more loving, nurturing and supportive overall before.now that I'm an adult and can see my parents as individuals, its clear as day to me that they deserved each other and it was no accident they managed to marry each other outa millions of other ppl in the world...

The two-parent home was far from perfect but ill take the periodic bickering and complaining over a single parent home any day...
 
I think people think marriage is some perfect thing and the other person is a perfect person that will always be perfect. Not so. People are not infalliable, your spouse may fail you-but if you believe in marriage, the committment of it and no so much the person you married, if that makes sense. Commit to the commitment. I committed to the marriage, which to me was greater than committing to DH. He's a mortal man, I only have that much faith in God.

I have a very limited list of reasons to get a divorce-like beating me, my kids or incest/rape of my kids. I don't really have infidelity as a "deal breaker" per se. I think a one time situation, a couple could heal from.
 
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Zaynab said:
I think people think marriage is some perfect thing and the other person is a perfect person that will always be perfect. Not so. People are not infalliable, your spouse may fail you-but if you believe in marriage, the committment of it and no so much the person you married, if that makes sense. I always said I committed to the marriage, which to me was greater than committing to DH. He's a mortal man, I only have that much faith in God.

I have a very limited list of reasons to get a divorce-like beating me, my kids or incest/rape of my kids. I don't really have infidelity as a "deal breaker" per se. I think a one time situation, a couple could heal from.
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same here. I'm not even invested in worrying about it either. You can't predict the future, all people change during the course of a lifetime and you control people and they will do what they want to do... I wouldn't be surprised if the men--maybe even women--in my family have cheated in the past. Regardless if they have/haven't that wouldnt be a good enough reason for the women in my fam to allow him to weasel outa the marriage that easily lol A serial cheater is one thing, but accidents happen. 30-50 years is along time to be with one person every single day of your life and not have some some dirt somewhere along the line. Sorry, but I simply don't think that highly of ANYONE's character...
 
lol 5 is for those marrying young.

many of my married friends/associates got pregnant months after the wedding. It actually annoys me lol. it's like cant you learn about your huband for a while since you two ever actually lived together sheesh instead of hiding behind babies, doesnt help that most of their courtships were about a year or less.
 
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I think people should work things out unless there are abuse (sexual, physical, or emotional) problems.

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