SeatownSista
Well-Known Member
She should have walked away months ago. I would just stop returning his calls and start dating others. Him not being ready to make a commitment after dating for close to a year says a lot...
When to walk away...?
- Thread starter zzirvingj
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
She is just handing him all the power. If he was crazy about her he woulda been locked her down. I'm sorry for her because it would easier if he was acting up, but the truth is that it seems he likes her but is not falling in love with her. She needs to get clear with what she wants and have the courage to reject someone who in essence is rejecting her. He is saying you are good enough to date, but not good enough to be my girlfriend or wife. I hope they are not being intimate. That would definitely send him the wrong message.
chocolat79
Well-Known Member
Everybody has pretty much said everything I was thinking. I'm kinda with prettyfaceANB on this one that she should have an "internal" time limit and if he's not committed to her by then, she should walk away. Best case scenario #1: he'll be distinctly (and painfully) reminded of what he lost with the first "love" and commit before she finds someone else. Best case scenario #2: she'll be free of someone who only saw her as an option and she wouldn't have wasted multiple years, only one, and she can move on with someone who will commit to her within a more acceptable period of time.
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ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Exactly. He may be a perfectly good man...he's just not into her and is thinking there's better out there (probably dating others as well)
By the way, I'm curious if they're sleeping together too. If so, he is answering her question and the answer is NO, he just wants to keep her hanging for back up sex.
GeorginaSparks
Well-Known Member
Thats what I would do.
She doesnt owe him any explanations because he doesnt care about her enough to commit.
zzirvingj
New Member
Just curious: What do you ladies consider to be a more acceptable period of time?
zzirvingj
New Member
I agree with you. And they have been intimate (I think it happened around the 6 month mark).
I talked to her yesterday, by the way. Another poster stated something about how she should tell him what she wants, ask if he's ready, and move on if he's not. I kinda think she's already done the 'telling him what she wants' part--that happened during the whole 'convo' they had a month or so ago. During that convo is when he had made the whole "I want to see how we are over time and different situations" comment....
She seems like she's ready to make a move and risk being hurt a little now rather than more later. She said she feels like moving on is the right thing to do, that it's just hard because he seems like a good man who does like her. Anyways, she agreed she needs to start seeing other people. She said since they've developed a friendship, she would probably at least send him a short email about them not being on the same page and that she's decided it's best they not continue anymore.
I don't know...she seems like she knows what she needs to do at this point?
zzirvingj
New Member
Yeaaaa.....I kinda agree with this statement.
I was looking back at my posts yesterday and what stands out to me most is the fact he let someone go who he was *in love with*. When I asked her about this again yesterday she said he couldn't explain why he let her go; that he didn't realize until a couple of years later that he was in love and it was way too late then.
ANYWAYS....I don't know; I just get the feeling that he does indeed really like her based on what *I've seen*/*she says*, maybe even a lot...but I don't think that it matters. In other words, I don't think he intends to do anything about it regardless of his feelings or lack thereof. So I agree with what everyone's said about moving on.
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itismehmmkay
Well-Known Member
8mths is too long. If a husband and family is what she wants, she needs to date w/ that agenda. I'll soon be back in the dating game, but I plan to be remarried and have more kids. And while things may not always happen when you want them too, you can control how much time you waste.
A good time period is 2-3mths IMO. Really, after about a month if a guy is already feeling sometimey I may pull back at that time. But maybe I just have a different mindset for what I want and I pay attention to signs better and earlier these days.
As far as how to handle her current situation? Pull back ~50%. So if she was talkign to him everyday, talk to him only 3X a week or so. Eventually just 1X, then none. And if she's sleeping with him, she should shut it all down.
A good time period is 2-3mths IMO. Really, after about a month if a guy is already feeling sometimey I may pull back at that time. But maybe I just have a different mindset for what I want and I pay attention to signs better and earlier these days.
As far as how to handle her current situation? Pull back ~50%. So if she was talkign to him everyday, talk to him only 3X a week or so. Eventually just 1X, then none. And if she's sleeping with him, she should shut it all down.
childoftheKing
New Member
I would not have asked him anything. I would have said, look this is the deal. Its been 8 months, I'm not getting any younger here.
Then I would have found something else to do with my precious time. A new hobby or something. He would have two weeks after that day to figure himself out. And he would have to be really creative about it too.
8 Months? no sah.
Then I would have found something else to do with my precious time. A new hobby or something. He would have two weeks after that day to figure himself out. And he would have to be really creative about it too.
8 Months? no sah.
chocolat79
Well-Known Member
I would say an acceptable period of time is no more than 3 months, depending on the circumstances, excluding long distance which is slightly unique. IME, I've been in a committed relationship within a month with all my exes, but I wouldn't take a man seriously if we weren't in a committed relationship by the 3-month mark.
Men know what they want when they see it. He may not express it to you right away, but HE knows and will do what he needs to keep her around, if he's serious.
Men know what they want when they see it. He may not express it to you right away, but HE knows and will do what he needs to keep her around, if he's serious.
zzirvingj
New Member
Someone inquired with me about this thread so I decided to copy and post an update here about my friend:
She didn't break it off with the guy when I thought she would; she just did it the other week. From the conversations I had been having with her over the past couple of weeks, she thought she was ready, but then it took her several weeks to go through with it. In other words, it seems she was starting to fall for the guy more than she had admitted/more than I had realized.
Anyways, I realized this was the case after having several conversations with her over the past few weeks. She seemed to be struggling with her decision and kept mentioning things like:
-why has he spent every holiday with her since they met?
-why introduce her to his brother, coworkers, friends, etc. if he wasn't looking to get serious?
-why does he 'act' like her boyfriend by checking in with her during work hours, always initiating dates 1-3 times every week, sending her 'notes' via text about how he cares, misses her, etc.?
-etc.?
I couldn't answer those questions.
But after enough thought, she called him and they talked. She confirmed that he was not ready to commit and he admitted that he was still dating other women. As far as the commitment thing goes, she said he made a statement that, 'when it comes to choosing a mate, it would be someone he spends the rest of his life with and he has to be sure of himself that he can love that woman in the way she deserves to be loved.'
??
She said he went on to say that he hadn't been dating the other women 'like they were dating' and that he'd been giving them a lot of thought, and was still thinking about them and if it wasn't serious he wouldn't be seeing her still or giving it any thought at all. He said they should meet and talk about it. If I remember correctly, when he mentioned he had been seeing other people still, that's when she stated that she could not continue seeing him because they were on different pages.
She said he had said 'he couldn't tell what the future holds but he doesn't let people in his life like he did with her & has been okay with women just walking away in the past and never talking to them again. But he was going to have a hard time not having her in his life, and something else about time/the future that I can't remember.
So I just spent a whole bunch of keystrokes to say it took her longer than I thought, but she did end up breaking it off. She's actually been very down about it, a lot more than I expected, so I've just been trying to listen/console.
She didn't break it off with the guy when I thought she would; she just did it the other week. From the conversations I had been having with her over the past couple of weeks, she thought she was ready, but then it took her several weeks to go through with it. In other words, it seems she was starting to fall for the guy more than she had admitted/more than I had realized.
Anyways, I realized this was the case after having several conversations with her over the past few weeks. She seemed to be struggling with her decision and kept mentioning things like:
-why has he spent every holiday with her since they met?
-why introduce her to his brother, coworkers, friends, etc. if he wasn't looking to get serious?
-why does he 'act' like her boyfriend by checking in with her during work hours, always initiating dates 1-3 times every week, sending her 'notes' via text about how he cares, misses her, etc.?
-etc.?
I couldn't answer those questions.
But after enough thought, she called him and they talked. She confirmed that he was not ready to commit and he admitted that he was still dating other women. As far as the commitment thing goes, she said he made a statement that, 'when it comes to choosing a mate, it would be someone he spends the rest of his life with and he has to be sure of himself that he can love that woman in the way she deserves to be loved.' ??
She said he went on to say that he hadn't been dating the other women 'like they were dating' and that he'd been giving them a lot of thought, and was still thinking about them and if it wasn't serious he wouldn't be seeing her still or giving it any thought at all. He said they should meet and talk about it. If I remember correctly, when he mentioned he had been seeing other people still, that's when she stated that she could not continue seeing him because they were on different pages.
She said he had said 'he couldn't tell what the future holds but he doesn't let people in his life like he did with her & has been okay with women just walking away in the past and never talking to them again. But he was going to have a hard time not having her in his life, and something else about time/the future that I can't remember.
So I just spent a whole bunch of keystrokes to say it took her longer than I thought, but she did end up breaking it off. She's actually been very down about it, a lot more than I expected, so I've just been trying to listen/console.
dannie
Well-Known Member
Dang, that sucks for your friend 
erplexed.
This thread is right on time for me. I've been dating a guy since the end of March and he has never once mentioned anything about a commitment. We're a little bit past the three month mark so I asked him this weekend:
Me: how much do you like me?
Him: huh...lol, what kind of question is that?
Me: just answer the question, on a scale of 1 to 5
Him: lol..why? how much do u like me?
Me: I like you, if we stopped talking I would be a bit sad.
Him: I like you too, but I wouldn't be sad if we stopped talking. I mean, I would miss you but I wouldnt be sad about it.
Me:
Well obviously that was my answer right there
but I found it comical that as I was reading this thread I glanced at my cell phone and my photo album had randomly opened itself and landed on a pic of him no less. I'm like "okay I get it, he's just not that into me"!
Anyway, on to the next one. Matter fact from now on dudes got a 3 month period to make moves or I am out! I aint getting no younger over here.
erplexed. This thread is right on time for me. I've been dating a guy since the end of March and he has never once mentioned anything about a commitment. We're a little bit past the three month mark so I asked him this weekend:
Me: how much do you like me?
Him: huh...lol, what kind of question is that?
Me: just answer the question, on a scale of 1 to 5
Him: lol..why? how much do u like me?
Me: I like you, if we stopped talking I would be a bit sad.
Him: I like you too, but I wouldn't be sad if we stopped talking. I mean, I would miss you but I wouldnt be sad about it.
Me:
Well obviously that was my answer right there
but I found it comical that as I was reading this thread I glanced at my cell phone and my photo album had randomly opened itself and landed on a pic of him no less. I'm like "okay I get it, he's just not that into me"!Anyway, on to the next one. Matter fact from now on dudes got a 3 month period to make moves or I am out! I aint getting no younger over here.
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calmsensual1
New Member
Man this same exact thing happened with my husband. he would spend like 6 days a week at my house. And after the 6 month mark there was still no commitment. I was all ready to charge him to the game when I finally told him I felt like his damb jump off.
He was like youre not my jump off youre my girlfriend! I was just like huh? You never told me! And thats when we began. I guess I got lucky.
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He was like youre not my jump off youre my girlfriend! I was just like huh? You never told me! And thats when we began. I guess I got lucky.
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zzirvingj
New Member
I don't think he had mentioned it per se, no. (But I will say these days I think most people assume you're seeing others until a person tells you otherwise...right?)
hopeful
Well-Known Member
For most women it's best to not have an ongoing sexual relationship without a commitment unless that's just how you roll. The woman is always in control of her body and should not share it with someone who is not on the same page with her. Hopefully in the future she will be more discriminating and make sure she and the guy are on the same page. I would never just "date" anyone past 3 or 4 months, and I would not be intimate with anyone who was not committed to me and only me.
dannie
Well-Known Member
Dang, that sucks for your friend
This thread is right on time for me. I've been dating a guy since the end of March and he has never once mentioned anything about a commitment. We're a little bit past the three month mark so I asked him this weekend:
Me: how much do you like me?
Him: huh...lol, what kind of question is that?
Me: just answer the question, on a scale of 1 to 5
Him: lol..why? how much do u like me?
Me: I like you, if we stopped talking I would be a bit sad.
Him: I like you too, but I wouldn't be sad if we stopped talking. I mean, I would miss you but I wouldnt be sad about it.
Me:
Well obviously that was my answer right there
Anyway, on to the next one. Matter fact from now on dudes got a 3 month period to make moves or I am out! I aint getting no younger over here.
UPDATE!!
So I had pretty much written off old boy in my head after that comment but I didnt say anything, plus he started pulling back this week, so I called him out tonight and said if hes not interested lets not waste each others time.
He goes on to say he's been thinking about his comment too, and I'm awesome, and swell, goodie goodie gum drops
but hes not ready for a relationship. No..really? *gasp* Of course he wants to be friends. :scratchch Hmm, how about you go *** yourself? How the hell are you on a dating site, but you claim you not ready to date? I digress. I admit the OFFICAL rejection stung and I cried for a exactly one min; but then I realized I dont like him all that much anyway, I'm just tired of failing over and over and over again. I was willing to keep dating him and see what happened but if he's already written me off, oh well.
I just came back to update because I want to just say ladies, if you are with a guy for months and he hasnt tried to make it official 9.5 times out of 10 its because he has no intention to!! Dont sit around waiting for him to bring it up, call him out so you can be crystal clear about his plans with you (or in my case.. lack thereof
). If he doesn't close the deal then nothing was lost, infact you saved yourself emotions and time. So when the right man does come along, your not all drained and empty from dealing with ****'s like I was seeing, who will just waste all your damn energy if you let him. So please take it from me and OP's friend, if he hasn't commited to you after a few months, call him out and save yourself the heartache!!!
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