When to walk away...?

[zzirvingj]

So I was being a good friend and listening to a friend of mine the other day; she was telling me about a situation that she is going through and asked for my insight.

She's been dating a guy for about 8 months. Up until last year she hadn't dated in quite a while (we're around the same age; early 30's). She doesn't have any kids but does want a husband and family. I remember when she met this guy she was dating someone else too but I guess that person kinda "fell off". Anyways, she's been talking about him a lot lately and she seems to be growing much closer to him. As far as I know, he makes alot of time for her and is actually 'courting' her in terms of the dating/paying/really getting to know her/being consistent/etc.

The other day she mentioned that she was frustrated. She says they've never had any talks about being "committed" so she brought it up and they talked about past relationships, etc. She said she explained to him that she considered them to be 'dating' and asked what were his thoughts on them continuing to 'date' versus actually committing to one another (and being in a relationship). She said he stated something about being a very rational person and that he always waits and wanted to wait to see how things were "over time and different situations".

She asked me what I thought about it and how she should proceed (start back to dating others? not change a thing and still only see him?) Honestly from what I know about the two of them and how he treats her I wasn't sure what to say?? I mean, I want to say just go ahead and date others but they seem like they would be a good match and he does seem to really care about her so I'm confused for her. I was in a similar situation myself and I chose to just back off but in looking back I'm not sure if that was the best decision...erplexed

Sorry this is so long but what I'm getting at here is: what would you do? If this was your friend would you tell her to "hang in there"? When do you know it's time to walk away from something because you're questioning if it's not going to progress?

She's not the first friend of mine who's been in a situation like this so I'm curious to know what are your thoughts on this type of situation and if you've experienced something similar, what you chose to do about it.

ETA: FYI I posted an update to this story on page 3

 

[Zuleika]

8 months is a long time. If he wanted to commit he would have done so by now. She should move on, he's wasting her time. And all that crap about him always waiting . This is the sort of man that dates a woman for years dumps her and within 2 months he commits to someone else.

 

[mischka]

If I was dating someone I really liked, I would have had the exclusivity conversation long, long before 8 mos.

 

[ThickHair]

8 months is a long time. If he wanted to commit he would have done so by now. She should move on, he's wasting her time.

NO, she is wasting her time, SHE has control over this whole situation.

 

[crlsweetie912]

^^^^^^^^^^
What they said....he may be dating others you never know. But to date someone for 8 months without having any commitment discussion seems awfully fishy to me.

 

[zzirvingj]

NO, she is wasting her time, SHE has control over this whole situation.

This is in line with my thoughts and what I wanted to say but it's good to hear others feel similar and it's not just me. Because that's what I did when I was in a similar situation and didn't think it was going to go anywhere. However, I'm quicker than most people to 'cut my losses and move on' so just trying to make sure I'm not being unreasonable here since I do consider myself to be rational as well - I realize just because it's what I would do doesn't mean my way is always best.

 

[zzirvingj]

^^^^^^^^^^
What they said....he may be dating others you never know. But to date someone for 8 months without having any commitment discussion seems awfully fishy to me.

I think they had this whole talk about a month or so ago. She told me about it a few weeks ago so it's been the topic of several discussions with her since it's been weighing heavy on her mind and she hasn't made any moves yet.

 

[jazzerz]

Whew... 8 months (possibly 7)?

To throw another idea out there: Has he been married or engaged before? Maybe he has been hurt and is trying to still feel things out.


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[BeautifulFlower]

Only way she'll know if he's going to commit is to cut it off.

He'll have two options 1) pursue her until she's satisfied (i.e. getting the commitment she deserves) or 2) he won't pursue her and better she leave now then get dropped later.

 

[zzirvingj]

Whew... 8 months (possibly 7)?

To throw another idea out there: Has he been married or engaged before? Maybe he has been hurt and is trying to still feel things out.


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Good question you ask. I say this because we talked about him a long long time and we did talk alot about this conversation that they had together a month or so ago...She did mention that when they talked about relationships, he mentioned he was engaged in his 20s and it didn't work out. He also mentioned he was in a 2-year-or-so relationship with a woman he was in love with but he lost her to someone else. I don't have all the details but when I asked her about that part, all I remember her saying is something to the effect of him not moving the relationship forward, so another man came into her life and they got married.

 

[Zuleika]

NO, she is wasting her time, SHE has control over this whole situation.

True. It's all on her. She should know what she wants upon entering a relationship and shouldn't have to speculate as to where they are. She should have told him from the beginning what exactly it is she was looking for and what she would and wouldn't tolerate.

Also, I'd never be caught dead asking a guy "where are we?" Take responsibility for your own life! Find someone on the same page as you. Sigh

 

[Zuleika]

Whew... 8 months (possibly 7)?

To throw another idea out there: Has he been married or engaged before? Maybe he has been hurt and is trying to still feel things out.


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Irrelavant! If he has all these issues then he's got no business dating and she's got no business seeing him until he's past whatever it is that's hindering him.

 

[zzirvingj]

Irrelavant! If he has all these issues then he's got no business dating and she's got no business seeing him until he's past whatever it is that's hindering him.

Hhhmmm...good point there.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Good question you ask. I say this because we talked about him a long long time and we did talk alot about this conversation that they had together a month or so ago...She did mention that when they talked about relationships, he mentioned he was engaged in his 20s and it didn't work out. He also mentioned he was in a 2-year-or-so relationship with a woman he was in love with but he lost her to someone else. I don't have all the details but when I asked her about that part, all I remember her saying is something to the effect of him not moving the relationship forward, so another man came into her life and they got married.

I understand that men have issues and all but I have learned me lesson in this the HARD way.

You can not deny yourself what you want because of someone elses issues. He could very well keep her in limbo forever.

Two, if he lost a women he was in love with to someone because of his procrastination....uhhh HELLO....he's a procrastinator and thats not gonna change.

Unless she'll willing to wait and deny herself in hopes of a possible commitment (not even marriage), I say move the he!! on.

 

[allmundjoi]

Good question you ask. I say this because we talked about him a long long time and we did talk alot about this conversation that they had together a month or so ago...She did mention that when they talked about relationships, he mentioned he was engaged in his 20s and it didn't work out. He also mentioned he was in a 2-year-or-so relationship with a woman he was in love with but he lost her to someone else. I don't have all the details but when I asked her about that part, all I remember her saying is something to the effect of him not moving the relationship forward, so another man came into her life and they got married.

So he has a history of "not closing the deal." It sounds, and this may be wrong, that what he is doing to your friend he may have done to another woman he admitted to loving (for 2 YEARS).
Head for the heels, unless she is ok being in limbo for 2 years too.

Sent from my DROIDX

 

[zzirvingj]

So he has a history of "not closing the deal." It sounds, and this may be wrong, that what he is doing to your friend he may have done to another woman he admitted to loving (for 2 YEARS).
Head for the heels, unless she is ok being in limbo for 2 years too.

Sent from my DROIDX

^^I share the same sentiments.

 

[zzirvingj]

I understand that men have issues and all but I have learned me lesson in this the HARD way.

You can not deny yourself what you want because of someone elses issues. He could very well keep her in limbo forever.

Two, if he lost a women he was in love with to someone because of his procrastination....uhhh HELLO....he's a procrastinator and thats not gonna change.

Unless she'll willing to wait and deny herself in hopes of a possible commitment (not even marriage), I say move the he!! on.

So I take it you've been in a similar situation? How long were you with the person and at what point did you realize you had to just let it go if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Zuleika]

He also mentioned he was in a 2-year-or-so relationship with a woman he was in love with but he lost her to someone else. I remember her saying is something to the effect of him not moving the relationship forward, so another man came into her life and they got married.

Well she's got her answer. He's a commitment phobe. This could very well be her 2 years down the line if she sticks around. Or she could do what the other lady did, move on to someone worthy of her time.

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

She can continue to date him if she likes, but if she does, she should be dating other men as well. This is a situation where you definitely should not put your eggs in one basket.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

So I take it you've been in a similar situation? How long were you with the person and at what point did you realize you had to just let it go if you don't mind me asking?

I stuck around for 4 years but I will in my late teens, early 20s so I had time to waste. I got a 'commitment' for about 9 months. He cheated during those 9 months.

Oh does he regret it now and he should.

We were together all the time. We were like best friends. We had chemistry. We wasnt jealous, possessive, controlling. We got along pretty great and his family liked me. Still no commitment. He would treat me like I wasn't good enough to be his girl.

But he always had a reason for not committing and I didn't know any better. So I wanted and just pretended like he was my man because he was the only one around and he was there so long. I realized he wouldn't give me what I deserve after he impregnated someone else and tried to keep me around because he knew he messed up with gettin with her.

When I told him to make a choice, he hestitated. At that point, there's nothing left to say but get out.

If I would have walked away and stayed away before I let things get so far, I would have saved myself alot of grief.

If a man wants you, HE WILL COMMIT. If he does not, HE WILL NOT COMMIT. If he's confused, LEAVE IT ALONE and let him figure it out.

And even if she gets a commitment, if she puts up with more than she feels she should, she WILL resent him and the commitment will mean nothing.

I am telling her...LEAVE...and do not come back until she gets a commitment. If she stay, she tells him its ok to have a girlfriend without the title.

 

[zzirvingj]

So should she simply not return his calls/etc.?

 

[zzirvingj]

I stuck around for 4 years but I will in my late teens, early 20s so I had time to waste. I got a 'commitment' for about 9 months. He cheated during those 9 months.

Oh does he regret it now and he should.

We were together all the time. We were like best friends. We had chemistry. We wasnt jealous, possessive, controlling. We got along pretty great and his family liked me. Still no commitment. He would treat me like I wasn't good enough to be his girl.

But he always had a reason for not committing and I didn't know any better. So I wanted and just pretended like he was my man because he was the only one around and he was there so long. I realized he wouldn't give me what I deserve after he impregnated someone else and tried to keep me around because he knew he messed up with gettin with her.

When I told him to make a choice, he hestitated. At that point, there's nothing left to say but get out.

If I would have walked away and stayed away before I let things get so far, I would have saved myself alot of grief.

If a man wants you, HE WILL COMMIT. If he does not, HE WILL NOT COMMIT. If he's confused, LEAVE IT ALONE and let him figure it out.

And even if she gets a commitment, if she puts up with more than she feels she should, she WILL resent him and the commitment will mean nothing.

I am telling her...LEAVE...and do not come back until she gets a commitment. If she stay, she tells him its ok to have a girlfriend without the title.

Thanks for sharing.

Maybe one positive thing I can say is that you went through this at a young age, so now you know this is something you will not ever put up with again.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

^^^Exactly, she should give herself an internal date (do not tell him). Say, "After 3 more months (an exact date is better), if he does not commit, I will leave and not contact him at all."

 

[BeautifulFlower]

So should she simply not return his calls/etc.?

She could explained to him that she is looking for a long-term committed relationship and since he is not sure about them after 8 months, she believes it is best for her that she not be involved with him anymore. Roll out and do not contact him at all. If he contacts her, its her choice to accept or ignore however under no circumstance cave until he's talking commitment. Period.


It will hurt but better now than later. If he feels like doing something about it, he will.

 

[hopeful]

Sounds like he likes her, enjoys "dating" and knows how to behave, BUT he's just not THAT into her. Like she'll do until "the one" shows up. Not sure I'd tell her that though. But that's what I'm thinking.

 

[jazzerz]

So should she simply not return his calls/etc.?

I'd suggest that she think about exactly what she wants, why that is what she wants, and when she wants it. She should figure out what she wants to do if he doesn't want the same. Then tell him and ask if he is ready for that. If he isn't, she needs to do what she said she would (move on, wait around a little longer, date other people). Only she can decide what's best for her.


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[NYAmicas]

8 months? Naw son, she needs to get the black book out stat.

 

[LiftedUp]

I wouldn't date someone for 8 months! After 1 month, 2 months max, it should be decided if we are in a relationship or not.

IMO, he's wasting her time, waiting to see if someone better comes along before he totally commits.

If it were me, I'd probably end it after 2 mths and start dating someone else or if I let it go on for 8 mths, I'd looking into dating other people as well as him.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Eight months and he doesn't even want to commit to being her boyfriend? Next!

 

[Crystal]

She needs to walk away. But she won't. She'll try to make it work and next thing you know she'll be late 30's, clock ticking and she'll be mad when he breaks it off for god and marries some girl he's known for a few months.

My advice for you is to stay out of it. Say your peace and then leave it alone. Women can be funny sometimes about them men.