What would you do if...

[Mena]

Thanks. I know my mom is going to be pissed it is their 28th wedding anniversary. My little sister seems like she is handling it better than me.

I wish you all the best. Like I said it will be hard, there will be arguing, you will want to curl up and cry, and sometimes (if you do tell, which I strongly suggest you do) you will wish you didn't...but realize - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Your father brought this on himself! You can also take the advice of the other ladies here and tell him that he has until such and such date to tell her or else you will. I wish you all the best of luck. And remember we are here for you.
Please let us know how things go.

 

[TowsonGirl]

it can def be done!

 

[jturner7156]

I personally dont understand how anyone could NOT do something if they knew a parent was cheating on the other? What if the mother doesnt know??? How do you think she would feel if she knew her own child knew about it and didnt at least do something?

Its like if my mother knew my husband was cheating on me and didnt tell me...just let him keep on being a dog and puttin my life in danger..Should she keep quiet because "I probably already know" ??? I dunno about yall, but if i found out my mom knew and didnt tell me, I would cut her off just like the no good negro!

In the OP's situation, I wouldnt necessarily go to mom inititally, but I would tell the dad that I knew what the deal was and that he better 'fess up, before I go to mom..Thats what I think you should do. Just my opinion!

You can say that again! If my mom knew the whole time and then something bad happens...(love child, short-term STD, long-term STD) and then she tells me. Him and her will be left in my past and that is the truth!

 

[GeorginaSparks]

I acted like the woman he and my mother raised me to be.

When it was my turn, I gave my dad until the end of that day to tell my mother or I would.

And then I told my sister to prepare her for what was coming.

Most parents raise their children not to lie and not to hurt people. So it should come as no surprise when their children choose not to lie and not to hurt people. Especially when "people" is their other parent.

I'll be Daddy's Girl until the day I leave this earth. But I could not help him disrespect my mother.

Thank you...

 

[Mena]

Countdown until ish hits the fan...i told

 

[song_of_serenity]

Countdown until ish hits the fan...i told

GOOD for his tail!! I sincerely hope things work out and I don't blame you ONE bit. If the scenario pitched by TowsonGirl of the tables being turned and it was YOUR situation and your mum knew doesn't put things in perspective to anyone, I don't know what would!
Keep us updated. And no matter what, it wasn't you who did it, so don't feel guilty at all. He did it to himself and betrayed a marriage he was supposed to be rebuilding due to HIS infidelity.
~*Janelle~*

 

[fuchsiastar]

This is an excellent stance on the topic at hand.

I acted like the woman he and my mother raised me to be.

When it was my turn, I gave my dad until the end of that day to tell my mother or I would.

And then I told my sister to prepare her for what was coming.

Most parents raise their children not to lie and not to hurt people. So it should come as no surprise when their children choose not to lie and not to hurt people. Especially when "people" is their other parent.

I'll be Daddy's Girl until the day I leave this earth. But I could not help him disrespect my mother.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

It has already happened.

My parents have been married for 30+ years. Christmas Day 2006, the entire family found out, because my mom flipped after keeping the secret for years, left the house right before dinner, and refused to come back. (I still don't know ALL of the details of WHY she flipped this particular day... I think it was because my dad lied and said he was going into the office for a lil' bit and instead was with his "other woman.")

After all of the fireworks... and our Christmas dinner was ruined... my daddy had the nerve to ask if me and my sisters were angry with him. WTF do you think, Negro? If some dude had cheated on us, you would be ready to rip their throat out, but you can carry on an affair for years? Reeeeeaaaalllllllll convenient.

My parents are still together, I don't know how much has truly changed in their marriage , but yeah, I'm STILL pissed. This event, as well as another, totally changed my opinion of him and the concept of a "good man." Prior to then, my dad had been one of the "good Black men" who worked hard, stayed by his family's side, blah, blah, blah, blah... till his cover got blown.

I'm sure this has changed my overall opinion of men... Surely made me extra disillusioned... I really just don't know anymore...

 

[Mena]

It has already happened.

My parents have been married for 30+ years. Christmas Day 2006, the entire family found out, because my mom flipped after keeping the secret for years, left the house right before dinner, and refused to come back. (I still don't know ALL of the details of WHY she flipped this particular day... I think it was because my dad lied and said he was going into the office for a lil' bit and instead was with his "other woman.")

After all of the fireworks... and our Christmas dinner was ruined... my daddy had the nerve to ask if me and my sisters were angry with him. WTF do you think, Negro? If some dude had cheated on us, you would be ready to rip their throat out, but you can carry on an affair for years? Reeeeeaaaalllllllll convenient.

My parents are still together, I don't know how much has truly changed in their marriage , but yeah, I'm STILL pissed. This event, as well as another, totally changed my opinion of him and the concept of a "good man." Prior to then, my dad had been one of the "good Black men" who worked hard, stayed by his family's side, blah, blah, blah, blah... till his cover got blown.

I'm sure this has changed my overall opinion of men... Surely made me extra disillusioned... I really just don't know anymore...

I feel you on this!

 

[NYAmicas]

We're the same age! I had a feeling since I was about 16 that my dad was cheating, but never had "proof" (It was there, I just didn't want to see it because 'My dad would never do that") Well, it all finally came out about 2 years ago. Now I have a 4 year old half sister. I wish I had opened my mouth. Maybe it would not have gotten this far

Apparently your dad doesn't really care about working things out with your mother. If he did, he would stop the nonsense. He got caught once already and doesn't think enough of your mother or the family he made with her to stop doing it. Remember the saying 'Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." Nip this in the bud now. He'll be fine. If the other woman/ women are that important to him that he needs to keep running back, let them catch him when he falls. You need to think about your mother. She will need you.

ITA! Great post.

 

[NYAmicas]

It has already happened.

My parents have been married for 30+ years. Christmas Day 2006, the entire family found out, because my mom flipped after keeping the secret for years, left the house right before dinner, and refused to come back. (I still don't know ALL of the details of WHY she flipped this particular day... I think it was because my dad lied and said he was going into the office for a lil' bit and instead was with his "other woman.")

After all of the fireworks... and our Christmas dinner was ruined... my daddy had the nerve to ask if me and my sisters were angry with him. WTF do you think, Negro? If some dude had cheated on us, you would be ready to rip their throat out, but you can carry on an affair for years? Reeeeeaaaalllllllll convenient.

My parents are still together, I don't know how much has truly changed in their marriage , but yeah, I'm STILL pissed. This event, as well as another, totally changed my opinion of him and the concept of a "good man." Prior to then, my dad had been one of the "good Black men" who worked hard, stayed by his family's side, blah, blah, blah, blah... till his cover got blown.

I'm sure this has changed my overall opinion of men... Surely made me extra disillusioned... I really just don't know anymore...

wow......I would be crushed and upset with my dad. I know some "good men" myself.

 

[Mena]

wow......I would be crushed and upset with my dad. I know some "good men" myself.

yea are there really good men these days?

im seriously doubting it...my parents started of strong but life happened and they grew apart...

 

[fuchsiastar]

OP, I just wanted to give you my support and hope that you are feeling better soon.

 

[Moonxyz]

i was/am in the current situation.
my mom involved me in it and maked me pick sides.
she knows I have a soft spot for her but i really wish i didn't know about it all.

she made me come with her follow my dad and spy on him.
I was angry at him at first but now with perspective I realise that I shouldn't get as involved as I was.

And he has been cheating for years. And she stayed knowing this
On the other hand I love my mom and I want to see her happy .

 

[chinadoll]

i was/am in the current situation.
my mom involved me in it and maked me pick sides.
she knows I have a soft spot for her but i really wish i didn't know about it all.

she made me come with her follow my dad and spy on him.
I was angry at him at first but now with perspective I realise that I shouldn't get as involved as I was.

And he has been cheating for years. And she stayed knowing this
On the other hand I love my mom and I want to see her happy .

ITA with everything in the bold, and plus I don't trust men easily.

 

[Mena]

i was/am in the current situation.
my mom involved me in it and maked me pick sides.
she knows I have a soft spot for her but i really wish i didn't know about it all.

she made me come with her follow my dad and spy on him.
I was angry at him at first but now with perspective I realise that I shouldn't get as involved as I was.

And he has been cheating for years. And she stayed knowing this
On the other hand I love my mom and I want to see her happy .

My mom does this too my little sister.
My dad says keep the kids out of this and she will tell us everything that happened. I really dont want to know myself. I know I will probably hear it the rest of my life now.

 

[PassionFruit]

Countdown until ish hits the fan...i told

My mom does this too my little sister.
My dad says keep the kids out of this and she will tell us everything that happened. I really dont want to know myself. I know I will probably hear it the rest of my life now.

so you told last night-ish and today you tell us about your mom involving your little sister?? so your mom already knew, as a lot of us suspected... now that she knows you know she wants to tell you EVERYTHING??
yeah, thats what ya need to hear... NOT!!!

I wish you'd stayed out of it for real now... put on your seatbelt for the rocky ride...

 

[princess me]

i think it all depends on the relationship you have with your mother and father, im closer to my father than i am to my mother. BUT, i always think its best to stay out of their business. i couldnt see myself starting such a problem like that in the family and it isnt my battle to fight.

from what i've read in most of the threads on here about a man cheating on the woman, females always say- if you have to question it, you already know the answer or even, you can just tell if a man is cheating simply from being a woman.... i think-- chances are, your mother already knows.

my dad has cheated on my mom for the past 10 yrs (with different women). i've even met a couple of them (he doesnt think i know who they are exactly but im not stupid). i would never tell my mom because i dont think its right for me to put myself in their problem.

 

[Evolving78]

I went through that a lot of times with my parents. Sometimes I would keep things to myself or wait until my mother found something out on her own and then I would give details. my father and I didn't get along because of it. He felt like I was causing problems and like I was putting things into my mother's head. I didn't have much respect for him either. His cheating really messed up homelife for us and he is one of the main reason why I hate cheating so much and have the issues that I do with men. My father and I are cool now, but when I was younger and living at home, it was total kaos! I started losing respect for my mother for a minute too. I used to think she was weak for staying with him or letting him come back home. I don't feel that way anymore and I have more respect for my mother for trying to keep her family togher and holding it down. My parents are married anymore and my dad is getting remarried and my mother is in a good healthy relationship so far. They got divorced in 06'

 

[Evolving78]

I think it is hard to stay out of it because your father isn't just cheating on your mother. He is cheating on his whole family. Because of the things that he is doing he could tear up his family, lose the respect of his kids. It is all of his fault. Nobody wants their mother to get treated badly. I will always look at my father differently, like he is all of the rest of the no good men out there.

 

[lizjoseph]

That's exactly how I feel. Every last word!

1.) Yes, he not only cheated on my mother, but our family as well

2.) Yes, he did lose my respect

3.)Yes, it is all his fault

4.) No, I don't want to see my mother treated badly (I don't think anyone does.)

5.)Yes, I look at him differently

6.) And yes, he is now one of those 'no good men".

I think it is hard to stay out of it because your father isn't just cheating on your mother. He is cheating on his whole family. Because of the things that he is doing he could tear up his family, lose the respect of his kids. It is all of his fault. Nobody wants their mother to get treated badly. I will always look at my father differently, like he is all of the rest of the no good men out there.

 

[Mena]

I am kind of worried about the financial impact this will have on the family. erplexed My mom is going through a court case and doesnt know squat and depends on my dad to make sure she doesnt get screwed over by the other people involved. She almost lost $200k until my dad stepped in. Then, I am worried my dad will just be trife and is keeping the marriage alive so he can get his piece and leave. I don't know. Then, my little sister is in the midst of applying to college and studying. I know divorces are ugly and expensive...I do not want to see her end up getting screwed over. It would probably hurt her the most since she is under age.

 

[Mena]

so you told last night-ish and today you tell us about your mom involving your little sister?? so your mom already knew, as a lot of us suspected... now that she knows you know she wants to tell you EVERYTHING??
yeah, thats what ya need to hear... NOT!!!

I wish you'd stayed out of it for real now... put on your seatbelt for the rocky ride...

She is not involving her yet. She did the last time it happened.

 

[Mena]

I hate my dad for puuting me through this. I undestand he is not happy with the marriage. You either fix it or leave. Stop leading people on.

 

[poetist]

I am kind of worried about the financial impact this will have on the family. erplexed My mom is going through a court case and doesnt know squat and depends on my dad to make sure she doesnt get screwed over by the other people involved. She almost lost $200k until my dad stepped in. Then, I am worried my dad will just be trife and is keeping the marriage alive so he can get his piece and leave. I don't know. Then, my little sister is in the midst of applying to college and studying. I know divorces are ugly and expensive...I do not want to see her end up getting screwed over. It would probably hurt her the most since she is under age.

I understand where you are coming from but this could be a blessing in disguise for your mom. She is going to have to learn how to deal with her own finances. Even if things were fine with your dad, and God forbid he got sick or passed away, she would need to know how to manage her money. These type of situations (cheating, divorce, death) often put women in situations where they have to quickly learn how to manage their finances. Maybe she could get some legal advice or help from a financial planner.

When I was younger my mom let my dad handle all the finances. She got sick, took a leave of absence from work and my dad started acting shady with the money. My mom vowed that when she got better, she would take control of her own finances. Up until that time, she had no credit bc all the credit cards were in my dads name. Now, years later, moms aint no joke. She took classes on investing, budgeting, and real estate and even though she and my dad are still together, she is financially independent. But it took a wakeup call for her to realize that she needed to get her stuff together.

 

[Tinky]

Confront him and make him tell her (before I did). Me and my mom are super close and I would not take his betrayal lightly.

That's what I would do.

ETA: I see you already did it. If your parents start trying to make you too involved you should just tell them you are going to be there for support, but you do not need to hear all of the details. Especially if they just telling you to vent and aren't going to do anything about it. You should not have to carry that burden.

 

[carcajada]

you found out your dad was cheating on your mom?

Nothing.

1) It's not my business. I have married business of my own to tend to before meddling in someone else's.

2) My mother is very smart. She most likely already knows and is doing what she wants to do about it. No need to stir it up.

Recent talks with my mother about marriage has formed my opinion about this subject.

 

[carcajada]

My mom does this too my little sister.
My dad says keep the kids out of this and she will tell us everything that happened. I really dont want to know myself. I know I will probably hear it the rest of my life now.

That's terrible! Your mom seems to want a sympathetic ear, but is going to the wrong people for it. I hope your situation gets better.

 

[treybaby2005]

My mom already knew and knew for years.YEARS.He would leave for a couple months out the year and come back for years.My mom would tell us every single time after she realized he wasn't coming home that month.This began when I was about 8y that I can remember but it was way before that and continued til I moved out at 17y.All the kids he had from the same woman,she knew about that too.Sometimes,I think this is the very reason why I just can't open up to men with my ALL.I always have in the back of my head that they will either cheat till they make you lose your mind or they leave and then you lose your mind.Its sad to think that way but it keeps me from losing my mind.

 

[Moonxyz]

I hate my dad for puuting me through this. I undestand he is not happy with the marriage. You either fix it or leave. Stop leading people on.

aww i hope everything works out.

My dad might be a serial cheater but I can't fault him on his parenting.
He's an excellent father to me and my siblings.
That factor definately makes me ever more hesitant to intervene.
But I don't know how my mom will react though