What Would You Do If You Were Demoted At A Wedding?

ms-gg

ms-gg

Aka frostoppa
So you have a really good friend, and they ask you to be their maid of honor and you accept it....she asks you to come with her when she tries on her wedding dress (she has set up one date before and cancelled that you agreed to go to) and gives you a date two weeks away.

You tell her that you will come with her if you are off work that day. She then says "I think I need a new maid of honor." You then explain that you have told her in the past that in order for you to take off from work, you have to be told a few weeks in advance. She then makes you a bridesmaid. What would you do?

Back info:

all communication was done via text messages. I am taking care of a mother with dementia, at the time of these exchanges I was dealing with a car that was on it's last legs. A relative moved in and life has just been CRAZY. I forgot to get back to her once on if I could come to one dress fitting. My fault. Other than that, and also her asking me if I could come to two dates she had already made plans for and I could not attend because I was working, I cannot think of any other reason for her doing this.

Speaking of work, I have to go to work now and I will be ready to answer questions when I come back.

We have been friends for well over 13+ years and I really do not appreciate the passive aggressiveness and will not let it slide. In all honesty, I thought she was joking about finding a new maid of honor...but she wasn't.

Now here is for me putting my business out in the internets lol
 
That's how I feel. I am honest to you all. I have not done anything to this chick other than one day she asks me could I come with her when she tries on dresses and I told her I have to check my work schedule and I just now realized I didn't get back to her and she asked me a few days later could I come and I told her I had to work.

To ask someone to be your MOH then to later switch them to a bridesmaid over something like that is petty. And to me, it points to her character. I love her to death, but I would never in my life do something to her like that. Not worth risking a friendship over.
 
I would still be the bridesmaid..after asking her if there was a reason for her demoting you. Better to have a conversation about it then to let some bad blood start brewing between you considering how long you've been friends. It seems that weddings put some people into over entitlement/hyper sensitive mode (she being the entitled one not you btw :) )
 
You seem busy OP.

Being a maid of Honor can be a lot of work and if you have a lot going on then you would be doing her and yourself an injustice to accept the position when you can't fulfill it. Just gracefully bow out now knowing that you were her first choice but you can't offer her the support she is looking for right now.
 
It sounds like both you and her are under a lot of stress so I would try not to make a decision that would ruin a long and close friendship when emotions are high.

Brides are notoriously stressed, and I recall when I had my wedding thinking that if I was ever asked to be in a person's wedding I would do my best to just be as supportive as possible and roll with the changes that they are going through.

She needs someone who can be there for fittings, etc. If you are not available to come, even with two week's notice, due to what is going on in your own life, then being the maid of honor may not be a reasonable expectation for you right now, as much as you and her may want that.

At the same time, she values you and wants you to be in her wedding, so she asked you to be a bridesmaid. I would do it. I would also ask her why she wanted a different bridesmaid and let her know that you are sorry that you can't be more available and that you really were not trying to be unsupportive but just have a lot going on right now.
 
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ms-gg said:
My mother told me not to go, especially since I would have to pay for my own dress. My boyfriend said to distance myself afterwards but go and act like everything is cool
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If you were the maid of honor you would have still needed to pay for your own dress, correct? Even though you don't have the time to be the maid of honor, being a bridesmaid and investing the money to do so, and the time you do have would show your support in my opinion.
 
ms-gg said:
My mother told me not to go, especially since I would have to pay for my own dress. My boyfriend said to distance myself afterwards but go and act like everything is cool
Click to expand...

So the bride pays for the maid of honor's dress? Learn something new every day.

I think people have given good advice already but I would add that you could go just to keep the peace and speak to her afterwards and tell her how it made you feel. Then put the distance between you and her if you feel distance is still warranted.
 
ms-gg said:
That's how I feel. I am honest to you all. I have not done anything to this chick other than one day she asks me could I come with her when she tries on dresses and I told her I have to check my work schedule and I just now realized I didn't get back to her and she asked me a few days later could I come and I told her I had to work.

To ask someone to be your MOH then to later switch them to a bridesmaid over something like that is petty. And to me, it points to her character. I love her to death, but I would never in my life do something to her like that. Not worth risking a friendship over.
Click to expand...

I think you're hurt because she is not working within your schedule and you feel like she is being unreasonable.

But you have to look at this from the brides point of view. There are a lot of exciting things going on and the maid of honor is supposed to be the right hand woman...which requires you to be reasonably available. You mentioned forgetting to get back to her and not being able to attend two fittings. That's three instances of the brides time being impacted because of your schedule.

What you think is petty is actually pretty smart and could save your friendhsip. Because as she gets closer to the wedding date there will be more demands and more things that can't necessarily be planned two weeks in advance.

Remember...every part of the wedding process, especially the dress, is important and special to the bride. So rearranging dates multiple times is a big deal. She didn't kick you out...she just relegated you to a position you could handle.
 
Being a new bride I totally agree. My maid of honor is my best friend but it really pissed me off she didn't take off work or make time to really share in my special day. Hell she really could have been a bridesmaid for what she did. When I really needed her she was busy or miles away. I understand the reason (she's in school) but I really wish she would have gracefully declined instead of saying she couldn't make it to engagement after engagement.

CoilyFields said:
I think you're hurt because she is not working within your schedule and you feel like she is being unreasonable.

But you have to look at this from the brides point of view. There are a lot of exciting things going on and the maid of honor is supposed to be the right hand woman...which requires you to be reasonably available. You mentioned forgetting to get back to her and not being able to attend two fittings. That's three instances of the brides time being impacted because of your schedule.

What you think is petty is actually pretty smart and could save your friendhsip. Because as she gets closer to the wedding date there will be more demands and more things that can't necessarily be planned two weeks in advance.

Remember...every part of the wedding process, especially the dress, is important and special to the bride. So rearranging dates multiple times is a big deal. She didn't kick you out...she just relegated you to a position you could handle.
Click to expand...
 
How much are brides asking their MOH and bridesmaids to do?! I don't expect mine to help with anything to be honest. I just want their company on the big day.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Don't let it stress you out. Be a bridesmaid and be glad you don't have to deal with bridezilla as much.
 
Personally I need to go sometime soon, but I will arrange the best date between us like a considerate adults. Especially when dealing with a friend that has multiple commitments and barriers. If she needs someone that can get time off work easily for specific dates then it was on her for picking the wrong friend in the first place.

I'm not into that bridezilla **** though.
 
If this is the biggest problem you guys have I would talk to her and get her P.O.V about the situation. If she is a true friend but is stressed I would try to be understanding and I would also tell her how I feel just try to work through it.
 
I probably would have declined knowing that I could not dedicate the time to being the MOH she desires.

Maybe wait a few days and cool down because I'm sure that did come across rude. Tell her the truth. Is she right? Does she need a new MOH?
 
https://www.theknot.com/content/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail

Maid of Honor Duties in Detail
Help! What do you do as the maid of honor? Don't worry, we've got your job description down to a science.
By Wendy Paris


f625b30f-8531-44ae-884b-94a32d76e59c~rs_768.h

PHOTO BY STEVE STEINHARDT
The maid/matron of honor is part worker bee, part emotional lifeboat. Chosen for your energetic, get-the-ball-in-motion qualities, you should also remember that listening to the bride, making her laugh, and offering emotional and logistical support are also part of your honor attendant package. Here's what's expected:

  • Lead the bridesmaid troupe. It's the maid/matron of honor's (MOH) job to direct the other maids through their duties. Make sure everyone gets their bridesmaid dresses, go to dress fittings, and find the right jewelry. Also provide them with the 411 on all prewedding parties.
  • Help shop for dresses (the bride's and the bridesmaids'). And the MOH pays for her own entire wedding outfit (including shoes).
  • Offer to help the bride with prewedding tasks, from addressing invites to choosing the wedding colors and nodding enthusiastically when she waxes poetic about wedding cake.
  • Spread the news about where the bride and groom are registered.
  • Help the bride change for her honeymoon and take charge of her gown after the ceremony. Arrange for storage in a safe place until she returns.
  • Lend an ear. Whether it's about the planning, the marriage, or the registry china patterns, the MOH should assure the bride that she has someone with whom she can share her thoughts. Even if she seems to dwell on the same subjects repeatedly, the MOH keeps listening.
  • Host or cohost a bridal shower for the bride.
  • Attend all prewedding parties.
  • Keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and showers (or delegate a bridesmaid to handle this).
  • Plan the bachelorette party with the bridesmaids.
  • See to it that all bridesmaids get to the rehearsal; coordinate transportation and lodging, if necessary.
  • Make sure that all bridesmaids get their hair and makeup done, get to the ceremony on time, and have the correct bouquets.
  • Hold the groom's ring during the ceremony. Safest place to put it? On your thumb.
  • Arrange the bride's train and veil before the ceremony begins and just after she arrives at the altar. The MOH might also need to help her bustle the train for easy dancing at the reception.
  • Hold the bride's bouquet while the couple exchanges vows.
  • Sign the marriage license as a witness, along with the best man.
  • Stand next to the groom in the receiving line (this is optional; the bride may decide to have attendants circulate among the guests instead).
  • Play hostess along with the other bridesmaids at frequent points during the reception: show guests where to sit, direct them to restrooms, tell them to where to put presents, invite them to sign the guest book, etc.
  • Collect any gift envelopes brought to the reception and keep them in a safe place.
  • Make sure the bride takes a moment to eat something -- refresh her drink, get her a plate of food from the buffet table, or instruct the wait staff to keep her entree warm.
  • Dance with the best man during the formal first-dance sequence and possibly be announced with him at the beginning of the party. Also dance with other groomsmen, the groom, and others.
  • Toast the couple after the best man. (This is optional, but it is a nice touch.)
  • Troubleshoot emotional crises. In most cases, this will require lots of tissues, hugging, and hair-smoothing. The MOH continues to be a trusted friend, a good listener, and a smart advisor.
  • Keep the bride laughing. For the stressed-out bride, laughter can be as effective as venting.
 
OP I'm sorry you are in this position. It sounds like she didn't realize how inflexible your schedule was and that you didn't realize how demanding the role would be. When I got married years ago I didn't expect alladat from my maid of honor or bridesmaids. They bought their dresses and threw me a bridal shower. I didn't expect people to take off from work and rearrange their lives for me. I thought moms and sisters did that. Anyway, times have changed I guess. I would be hurt if someone flippantly said they needed another MOH, but she was probably hurt that you didn't seem more excited about seeing her try on her dress. I think you need to have a 30 minute talk and try to clear the air. I'm not sure what I would do, but based on what you shared here I would consider passing on being in the wedding. But maybe that's being too dramatic-- idk.
 
So um...thank you everyone for your responses....I just said *** it and talked to the chick once again through text. I basically said we've been friends for a long time, I don't appreciate how you just demoted me like that lol.

She said she was confused and didn't know what I was talking about. I told her she said she was going to get a new maid of honor and made me a bridesmaid. She said I was slow and that she was joking.

What led me to believe that she did demote me was she was sending me group texts with her bridesmaids and after that exchange we had I thought she was serious. It happens through text and that's why it sucks as a main form of communication.

I misunderstood her, we back in love again. That's what happens when you communicate through text, stuff gets misinterpreted. Thank you everyone for your comments...don't judge me :blush2::blush2::blush2:...blame it on impersonal forms of communication.
 
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Briabiggles said:
How much are brides asking their MOH and bridesmaids to do?! I don't expect mine to help with anything to be honest. I just want their company on the big day.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Don't let it stress you out. Be a bridesmaid and be glad you don't have to deal with bridezilla as much.
Click to expand...
I haven't asked mine to do anything but go with me to try on dresses for them
 
ms-gg said:
So um...thank you everyone for your responses....I just said *** it and talked to the chick once again through text. I basically said we've been friends for a long time, I don't appreciate how you just demoted me like that lol.

She said she was confused and didn't know what I was talking about. I told her she said she was going to get a new maid of honor and made me a bridesmaid. She said I was slow and that she was joking.

What led me to believe that she did demote me was she was sending me group texts with her bridesmaids and after that exchange we had I thought she was serious. It happens through text and that's why it sucks as a main form of communication.

I misunderstood her, we back in love again. That's what happens when you communicate through text, stuff gets misinterpreted. Thank you everyone for your comments...don't judge me :blush2::blush2::blush2:...blame it on impersonal forms of communication.
Click to expand...

HILARIOUS!!!! :lachen: I am happy it was a misunderstanding.
 
That is one daunting MOH list!!! I guess I was lucky when I was a MOH because the bride was extremely chill throughout the whole thing. Even on the wedding day when the wedding party was starting to get concerned about time (make-up artist was late) she was all like "relax, everything will be fine", lol. She insisted on buying my dress because I was a college student at the time and had to purchase a plane ticket to attend all the festivities. She even let me off bachelorette party planning duty since I wasn't local to the area but her bridesmaid planned such a sad bachelorette party that I end up throwing another one for her when she visited me in my hometown. :lol:
 
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