What is this? Insecurity? Control? Age/background difference?

[fluffylocks]

I just dont understand this behavior.

One of my best friends, 21 years old, shes very pretty, but she also plain in her appearence (jeans and tshirt and ponytail girl), very sweet, and reserved. She and I have been living in the same area for a long time-going to the same schools, and she def. not a "loose" girl.
She likes to stay home alot, but every now and then me and her would go out to clubs and stuff....When she went out, she did it all up though, her makeup ect on point and you couldnt tell she was reserved, we had fun

Shes been dating this dude for like almost 2 years now, hes 26, and isnt all that looking, nice but kind of arrogant or really confident, outgoing and likes to show off alittle. Hes traveled alot, has had lots of different girlfriends of different backgrounds, and isnt shy at all when it comes to women.
He doesnt like to stay home alot, and goes out more than her (even though I can say that he doesnt go out as much as other guys I know)

But, when I try to take my friend out to the clubs every now and then (Like tonight, we had planned it 2 days ago)-- he gets really pissed off, to the point where she doesnt even like to go anymore at the last minuete.

And she complains to me that he doesnt take her anywhere, and that alot of times when he does go to clubs and stuff, he lies about it and tells her later.
When they were first talking, he actually got on the phone, asked me who I was, told me she wasnt going anywhere, and hung up in my face.
Sometimes, if me and her are talking, she'll just hang up if he comes around because he always wants to know who shes talking to, what about, what for ect.
She told me when they argue he gets really into name calling and rudeness.
He also asked her to move into his house and marry him...

She said he told her he lies because hes "scared of her" because when he goes out, he just wants to have fun and to come back home, and he might not even be able to dance with any girls and he basically just watches, but for her and females its different because everyone will be hitting on her ect
And I cant even remember why he said he doesnt take her out.


I dont understand...
Does this sound like age difference, or him being insecure, or over controlling, or like he wants to have his cake and eat it too....what do you think?

Or could it be because he has alittle money, and she doesnt?

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

CONTROLLING , she needs to wake up and see him for who he really is.

 

[hopeful]

He's a controlling jerk. Hopefully she will eventually see the light. He is also a manipulator and emotionally abusive.

 

[shenitab]

I'm trying to figure out why she is still with home. Do her parents know what is going on in this relationship?

 

[Bmack]

He is an arsehole that is obviously up to no good.

 

[aribell]

I would delve deeper with her to see if anything else is going on behind the scenes that she's not being open about.

 

[VioletWylde]

This sounds very controlling and scary. He's trying to convince her that he is controlling her out of love. I pray that she doesn't fall for that mess because in time he will have her totally isolated from anyone but him.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

Controlling. Def. The insecurity you see is both his and hers. I feel those are the type of men that end up abusing women. Not saying he's currently doing that.. just saying

 

[Duff]

he is definitely controlling and it appears that he's at the moment verbally abusive to her. I hopes she sees this and leaves for herself.

 

[chickle]

Sometimes girls can take that controlling behavior as him caring deeply for her, I know I did. Maybe this guy knows that you are on to his behavior. These types of situations are tricky, it doesn't appear that she wants to leave him, the only thing you can do is tell her what you think about him and hope that she knows you are only looking out for her best interest and hopefully your insight will open up her eyes.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

He is foul but again there is always more to the story..but from his actions he isn't right..be would be the type to get her knocked up and still go out and club knowing he won't ever go without..

 

[ladysaraii]

Nah, she needs to get away from this dude.

He told you she wasn't going anywhere and hung up on you? I wish a negro would.

My sister's last bf was controlling like that. he didn't like for her to go out or even come see her family. worthless arsehole was nothing but trouble.

 

[twists]

Yea he is definitely trying to control her. She needs to get away fast before he really starts getting crazy, which it seems like he probably will eventually. You need to tell your friend to get away from him because it will only get worse and no he will not change.
She can't stay in hiding, trying not to make him angry forever.

 

[fluffylocks]

I'm trying to figure out why she is still with home. Do her parents know what is going on in this relationship?

No she doesnt tell her parents.

I try to figure it out too. I also wonder if he might end up abusing her physcially.

I thought him being controlling is the answer too....but I cant figure out why.

What causes a man to get controlling like that? If you have a beautifull girlfriend and are scared she would get hit on all the time, why wouldnt you atleast take her out with you? Whats the point of trying to keep her away from everyone? Why does he want to have fun, but doesnt want her to have any? If he found her, and thinks shes ideal enough to marry, why wouldnt he treat her right?
I just dont get it.

The only reason I think its working with her, is because she is a homebody and reserved anyway, I dont think he could pull it off with a girl who is very social and dresses up all the time. I dont think she really realizes whats going on because she doesnt care, untill maybe one day she realizes she doesnt have a life anymore.

She only really talks about it if shes pissed off, then she says shell leave, other than that she wont really talk about him, and i can tell she gets agitated if I try to bring it up.

 

[fluffylocks]

Nah, she needs to get away from this dude.

He told you she wasn't going anywhere and hung up on you? I wish a negro would.

My sister's last bf was controlling like that. he didn't like for her to go out or even come see her family. worthless arsehole was nothing but trouble.

Yes he did.
I called back, and he hung up in my face again then turned the phone off.
And hes sneaky, she didnt even know untill I called her a couple of days later and told her, he had erased my number, and I think hid her phone for the night.

Why not even the family though? I am truely confused by this behavior. What threat is family...I could see maybe being annoyed at her hanging with a group of her single female friends or something...family? Im going to ask her if he acts crazy with that too.

 

[Sasha299]

Abusers start by alienating friends then family. This is because the friends and family will see what he is about and tell the victim. Often the victim does not listen but the abuser KNOWS that this will be planting a seed so they want to get the victim alone and powerless.

 

[awhyley]

Yes he did.
I called back, and he hung up in my face again then turned the phone off.
And hes sneaky, she didnt even know untill I called her a couple of days later and told her, he had erased my number, and I think hid her phone for the night.

Well, I'll be . . .

She is in a path of an abuser, who she needs to get away from PRONTO! I'm wondering how she met this guy, and whether he has any ex-girlfriends that she could talk to to find out more about him. There's no age or background difference to speak of. He's just a controlling loser, (which everyone here has already eluded to).

 

[panamoni]

Unfortunately, you can't do it for her, she'll have to do it for herself. However, you can tell her what you think and give her the choice to act on it. And...maybe some resources, like the book by Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That," and depending on if you think it's necessary, the numbers to some domestic violence hotlines, literature on domestic violence, emotional abuse, etc.

I wish your friend the best. At the rate it's going now, it can only get worse for her if she doesn't demand an intervention.

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

Way beyond over-controlling, if he's intercepting her calls.

 

[ladysaraii]

Yes he did.
I called back, and he hung up in my face again then turned the phone off.
And hes sneaky, she didnt even know untill I called her a couple of days later and told her, he had erased my number, and I think hid her phone for the night.

Why not even the family though? I am truely confused by this behavior. What threat is family...I could see maybe being annoyed at her hanging with a group of her single female friends or something...family? Im going to ask her if he acts crazy with that too.

Girl family is the biggest threat, b/c we are the ones looking the hardest and making sure you are going to do right.

At one point, they were living in hotels so she could strip and he did nothing. he didn't want her to come visit me b/c he know that I would take her behind to my house and leave his sorry &^* there. He was not welcome in my house for a variety of reasons and he wasn't allowed in my parents house after he showed his true colors. And the sad thing was my dad did try to reach out from him.

That's why these guys cut you off from friends and family. They know that we are going to point out what they are doing and convince you to leave, so they have to isolate you and essentially brainwash you.

 

[LongTimeComing]

IF she marries him she will become a Lifetime story. She needs to walk away from that mess ASAP.