What is it with men not properly planning first dates?

[FemmeFatale]

why did that place close FemmeFatale

I read something about the landlord suing the owner for back rent causing them to go bankrupt, smh.

naturalmanenyc might have the scoop.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Im not in Nyc, but me and DH went to a fab place with an indoor outdoor garden. Pure food and wine.

http://oneluckyduck.com/pages/pure-food-and-wine/

I've heard of that spot but I want to cheat on my diet this weekend.

 

[JewelleNY]

I've heard of that spot but I want to cheat on my diet this weekend.

This is a nice spot up near the Cloisters

http://newleafrestaurant.com/#13746870694091&true

 

[1QTPie]

Man, I just want a man (MY man) to understand location. Proximity is important when you're wearing heels. I had blisters on my toes from our first date for MONTHS because he told me to meet him one place near my job, saying the restaurant was nearby. Ummm no it wasn't. grrrr...

 

[barbiesocialite]

barbiesocialite I'm surprised that you're an introvert. What's your MBTI, if you don't mind sharing?


To answer the OP, I usually tell them that I'm really indecisive and I'd feel more comfortable if they'd plan it all out.

I've been told I'm an Alpha Female in that I don't give to a man that isn't giving to me first. In spite of this, I wouldn't consider myself an Alpha though. I prefer traditional gender roles. But I'm realizing that might be why I attract very strong Alpha Men. I need an aggressive man. I can easily eat the others for breakfast.
So most men usually take charge with me....and if they don't..I usually lose interest.

INTJ.

I'm def not an alpha female, I'm just stubborn with too many opinions.

You HAVE to be aggressive with me as a rule. I'm VERY indecisive and unpredictable. Nothing would happen or ever get done if you wait on me. You are better off pulling a needle out of a haystack then getting me to make a definitive decision. So I attract a lot of extremely masculine men (some women might consider them kinda sexist). Some alphas, some betas. ALL extroverts. Part of this is bc even tho I'm a walking contradiction: although opinionated, believe it or not, I'm kinda passive IRL. (at least glamazon386 thinks so ) I NEVER initiate anything, not even with my girlfriends. I don't make the plans. I don't like calling shots, having too much power/power or verbal confrontation/arguing in my relationships/friendships etc. Too much pressure and feels overwhelming. At the same time, I have low-tolerance & stubborn. I'm not going along with anything I dont like but I'm not going to discuss it either. Mixed with introverted self-centeredness, makes me a professional ignorer/avoider. lol A man has to "man-up" if there is ever any progress with me......

Its like this: If I have to take precious hours away from myself (introvert) to be inconvenienced by another person, it better be good and easy for me. like, I need a valid tangible reason to like someone & spend time with them, something that makes it clear they are in my best interest. Men like the guy in the OP would have automatically relegated themselves to my disinterest list. disinterested indefinitely. That comment is offensive to me. I already know in advance I'm not making any plans.......so yea, men that I date usually make most of the decisions. I damn sure aint making em. I dont even wanna contribute to the process.



eta: sorry for hijacking your thread Femme. men like that annoy me lol

 

[PeaceFlow]

I've never had that happen.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

I had this problem with some guys and i talked to. they said they prefer the woman to choose the place because they dont know your taste. After they're more familiar with your tastes, then they can choose and plan accordingly. Makes sense but that aint my job

 

[sj10460]

FemmeFatale
I can't think of any garden style restaurants, that place you posted looks beautiful, I might have to get someone to take me. If you're looking for outdoors, I would suggest:
Riverpark- It's on 29th and 1st? It's sooo beautiful and it overlooks the hudson river

 

[larry3344]

barbiesocialite I like how in tune you are with yourself.

 

[CarLiTa]

That's why I prefer to have enough conversations before date 1. My tastes are pretty clear and I'm decisive about them, so if we have talked enough, the guy will know.
I've dated a couple of people who are like: I don't care where we go, only the company matters... Pick any place

That's when I kinda cock my head to the side, furrow my brows a little and say oh, hm, I think I'll enjoy myself better if you plan it That seems to have worked in the past. The stubborn ones...hm, their loss. I'm not planning anything. I'll give you enough info for the guy to know what to do. That's it.

The worst date I went on was with a kang who planned nothing at all! It was terrible. He kept telling me how excited he was about the date and about seeing me, and it was sooo disappointing I couldn't believe how bad it was. Never again.

There's someone else who would say: where would you like me to take you on our next date? For whatever I really like it when the question is posed like that but generally I would make HIM come up with the suggestions. I might have told him that I think it is more romantic if he makes some suggestions, and he would oblige. I.wouldn't be surprised if he asked his assistant sometimes

 

[barbiesocialite]

barbiesocialite I like how in tune you are with yourself.

Thank you. I sincerely appreciate that bc sometimes it bothers me but that just made my day

 

[JewelleNY]

That's why I prefer to have enough conversations before date 1. My tastes are pretty clear and I'm decisive about them, so if we have talked enough, the guy will know.

@ the bolded. I totally agree I find that guys like this often haven't put in the time to get to know you and find out what you like. That was my problem with the guys I mentioned, they showed very little interest in getting to know me, my like, dislikes, etc, which is why I am not with either

 

[AnjelLuvs]

barbiesocialite, are you a cancer? dont recall if you said it in past, but you remind me of self... Like to a T, Lol... I am a cancer...

 

[FelaShrine]

She's not a crybaby so hardly a Cancer

 

[barbiesocialite]

barbiesocialite, are you a cancer? dont recall if you said it in past, but you remind me of self... Like to a T, Lol... I am a cancer...

well hellllerrr fellow water sign. I'm a Pisces, Virgo rising.

water signs are the best tho, arent they???

She's not a crybaby so hardly a Cancer

oh really. hmmm I hide it well, glad to hear it lol

oh yea, and you're a hater.

Pisces have the powers of all the signs. save the best for last.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I'd prefer he choose cause I want to experience new things. I could do my own thing by myself.

 

[FemmeFatale]

That's why I prefer to have enough conversations before date 1. My tastes are pretty clear and I'm decisive about them, so if we have talked enough, the guy will know.
I've dated a couple of people who are like: I don't care where we go, only the company matters... Pick any place

That's when I kinda cock my head to the side, furrow my brows a little and say oh, hm, I think I'll enjoy myself better if you plan it That seems to have worked in the past. The stubborn ones...hm, their loss. I'm not planning anything. I'll give you enough info for the guy to know what to do. That's it.

The worst date I went on was with a kang who planned nothing at all! It was terrible. He kept telling me how excited he was about the date and about seeing me, and it was sooo disappointing I couldn't believe how bad it was. Never again.

There's someone else who would say: where would you like me to take you on our next date? For whatever I really like it when the question is posed like that but generally I would make HIM come up with the suggestions. I might have told him that I think it is more romantic if he makes some suggestions, and he would oblige. I.wouldn't be surprised if he asked his assistant sometimes

Reading this made me chuckled. I actually prefer to meet up pretty soon for the first date (like a week after meeting) anything longer than 2 weeks and my interest decreases dramatically.

 

[FemmeFatale]

FemmeFatale
I can't think of any garden style restaurants, that place you posted looks beautiful, I might have to get someone to take me. If you're looking for outdoors, I would suggest:
Riverpark- It's on 29th and 1st? It's sooo beautiful and it overlooks the hudson river

That restaurant (Barolo) has closed down

Riverpark is BEAUTIFUL! Thanks for the rec.

 

[CarLiTa]

Reading this made me chuckled. I actually prefer to meet up pretty soon for the first date (like a week after meeting) anything longer than 2 weeks and my interest decreases dramatically.

Same. Save for that one baaad first date with the kang, i haven't had issues. Also, most of my first dates are very laid back, like going out for a drink or hot chocolate. So, it is less about the food and more about the conversation and if it isn't going well, then it can be short (but that hasn't been a problem in a while). In the rare occasion we decide to do dinner, I've gotten lucky in that they ask what cuisines I like, and we go from there. From that point on, the ball is in their court... even if that means going to the same place 2 nights in a row, which has happened

But frankly, my very best dates are at cozy coffee/hot chocolate shops, ice cream parlors, speakeasy bars, followed by long walks somewhere, or just sitting somewhere semi-secluded and having a long conversation about us

 

[sj10460]

]I just realized I wrote hudson river instead of east river!, I'm an authentic nyer I promise! Oh, I just remembered Kittichai! I went there last year for my birthday. It's really beautiful inside. Since my bday is in the winter, we sat inside but I do recall them having outside seating as well. It's a thai restaurant and they have the best jasmine rice ever!

 

[FemmeFatale]

]I just realized I wrote hudson river instead of east river!, I'm an authentic nyer I promise! Oh, I just remembered Kittichai! I went there last year for my birthday. It's really beautiful inside. Since my bday is in the winter, we sat inside but I do recall them having outside seating as well. It's a thai restaurant and they have the best jasmine rice ever!

Yes I love Kittichai! Their Thai food is amazing way better than Spice that people keep yapping about

 

[Afro Puff]

Since I believe we're talking about date spots in NYC (think we are :-/), I'd like to recommend my fave homey spot. It's like that one favorite sweater you tend to grab when you're a bit chilly:

http://www.yelp.com/biz/heidis-house-new-yorkHeidi's House!


And y'all, there are only like 4 tables & a bar so this is our little secret ;-)

 

[Holla]

My thoughts exactly!

1) Not all men are this way. These men were spoiled by women who did everything for them (or their fathers so they expect the same as their daddies).

2) I'm not planning anything for the first date. I love me some me and if you are so dull that you can't plan ONE outing, then boy bye! I'll plan a birthday date or anniversary trip but the first date. Nah.

3) Workaholic dudes plan too. They have places in mind that they love to frequent or they want to go to a hot spot their boy went to the month before. Most workaholic guys I know do not want to chance the woman wasting their free time (bc that's extremely valuable to them) so they will take charge to make sure they are going to do something relaxing and enjoyable in their time off.


OP, demand more and you'll attract the guys you want.

I feel you. Men can be so lazy and self-entitled. smh lol I don't know who these women are that enabled this laziness mindset where they dont have to make an effort. But that ish doesnt work for me. ...

 

[naturalmanenyc]

FemmeFatale

Just saw this. I was out of town for work.

I think it's sheer laziness on their part. Seriously, http://lmgtfy.com/ or use yelp for a restaurant recommendation? And even for a busy guy, he can ask his assistant to pick a nice place for a first date.

It definitely can be a warning sign that he won't make decisions or his expectation is you do the planning. I personally love it when DH takes the initiative to plan a date or pick out a gift. He's only bought me one gift that I really didn't like early in our relationship, but I still kept the gift.

Date spots depending on the budget: River Cafe (Brooklyn), Becco (midtown west), Blue Water Grill (Union Square); One if by Land, Two if by Sea (Village), David Burke Townhouse (upper east side), Isabella's (upper west), City Crab (Flatiron).

If you decide to pick a place, I've been to and enjoyed all of these (some were first dates) although OIBL didn't have the red velvet pancakes I wanted.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Thanks naturalmanenyc

Ok so my cousins recommended the Mandarin Hotel and the Hudson Terrace. We were on a conference call and my male cousin confirmed that this guy (based off what I told him) is trying to figure out my taste and doesn't want to blow it so he's being safe by letting me choose.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

FemmeFatale

Hudson Terrace is nice but I don't think of it as a date spot. I was just there a couple of weeks ago with colleagues. We always go there for mixers on the garden terrace.

Is this just a drink date? I'm not sure they serve dinner. The sliders are good but the drinks are over priced.

 

[Zaynab]

naturalmanenyc Zaynab you guys are good w/ this stuff, get in here.

I'm on my phone and can't see mentions sorry.

Well of course I don't know any dating spots in NY But as far as dating and date planning, I EXPECTED and REQUIRED. If a man didn't plan, I would feel like I'm asking or begging, not sure why. But that's how I've always viewed dates/planning dates, et al and asking men out- I just don't have to. Also, I mostly dated/married alpha men and they were controlling enough where they plan dates. The only thing I do now is plan vacations but DH mostly handles bigger dates/plans. I'm an extrovert and I need to be surprised and doted on so the thought of planning a date just annoys me, like I'm too awesome for that and you should know every little detail about me and what I like. Even of its a new dating person, they should have an idea of nice spots to take a date or what you may like.

The few men I encountered that would not plan or would ask where I wanted to go, I politely let them know I'm a lady that doesn't have to make her own plans and that as a woman I defer to the man to take the lead. Most men would follow suit. Actually I can only think of two that asked me about where I wanted to go and I didn't date them long. Men are lazier now but only if you let them. Just push it back on him.

Sent from yacht with Beyonce & Blue

 

[FemmeFatale]

FemmeFatale

Hudson Terrace is nice but I don't think of it as a date spot. I was just there a couple of weeks ago with colleagues. We always go there for mixers on the garden terrace.

Is this just a drink date? I'm not sure they serve dinner. The sliders are good but the drinks are over priced.

I was for the scenic/garden ambience since that's what I'm thinking of.

After this no more date planning..UGH!

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

That's why I prefer to have enough conversations before date 1. My tastes are pretty clear and I'm decisive about them, so if we have talked enough, the guy will know.

I agree with you there. But I've been out with enough guys who took time to plan dates to not even mess with a guy who won't. It's sheer laziness, IMO. One guy kept calling me to set up a date but it never happened because I picked up on that he wanted me to plan it, which ain't happenin. Another guy went out of his way to pick a place neither him nor I had been to before.

Another reason I won't put up with it is my mom is always fighting with my dad about it. They go out at least twice a week but she's always complaining that he never initiates it, she always has to. I have less patience than she does and I'm more self-reliant. So if my SO relies on me to always plan and initiate dates he'll be spending a lot of time alone while I'm out having fun. Interestingly I find the more I make clear I have a busy life and can keep myself occupied, most guys tend to step up more.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

LOL @ y'all planning OP's date! Stop enabling