WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?

[HairQueen]

Hi ladies,

I am 32 years old and I've noticed that in the last two years every 'relationship' I have had only lasts about 4 months. After that things start to change and I start to see the real person come out. The pretence is over they cannot hide who they really are anymore. In fact I usually spot signs from the very begining (there are some guys I didn't not even make it to the first date with cos they were just that useless!) others I just spot the signs but put them to the back of my mind and hope the problems will go away or that I am wrong about them.

I do also realise that I may be part of the problem but I genuinely am very self aware and I read a lot of self-help books and am always looking at myself and thinking about how I can become a better person / learn from my mistakes etc. I genuinely think I am 20% of the problem and they are about 80%!

For those of you that always seem to have these long relationships what is the secret ingredient? Why do some people always seem to be in long relationships and not others?

When I have talked to people who I have thought were in 'perfect' relationships for 2 years, 5 years etc, they tell me it isn't as rosy as it seems. Do a lot of people turn a blind eye to things because they don't want to be single? I don't know but sometimes that is the impression I get very often, yet when I am dating and I tell them about my problems everybody gives me advice "dump him" and "you can find someone better" yet they are sticking with their man no matter what!

Sorry I am not meaning for this to be a negative thread I would just like to know the secrets to a long lasting relationship - of course I appreciate that every situation and person are different but I am just talking generally.


Thanks

 

[carcajada]

You're focusing on the wrong thing. How long a couple has been together versus the quality of the relationship are two different things. Since people get annoyed when their posts are over analyzed on this board, I'll stick to what you asked.

WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?

Mine right now. 5 years in 2008. Before DH, my last serious relationship was 4 years.

For those of you that always seem to have these long relationships what is the secret ingredient?

There is none. I think the important thing is just finding someone you want to be with, someone you think will make you happy (whatever your definition of happy is), someone you mesh with, and someone who will love you more than you love them. And from hearing the single women on here talk about the dating game, meeting the right man is the hardest part of the journey.

Why do some people always seem to be in long relationships and not others?

Because they have reasons to stay in the relationship or leave the relationship. You pick and choose what you will tolerate based on the history, emotions, and "seriousness" of the relationship. Some things are worth working on/seeing it through and some aren't. Every situation is different.

Do a lot of people turn a blind eye to things because they don't want to be single?

Your assumptions are what's leading you astray. It's not always the case of someone turning a blind eye out of desperation. Case in point: I cheated on my last serious boyfriend (before DH) and he found out. He stayed with me. I was the one to call off the relationship over a year after the incident. Did he stay because he turned a blind eye to my cheating? No. That was a very hard thing to live with in a relationship. He said he stayed because he loved me. Consider the various variables involved in your own every day actions and see that things aren't always cut and dry when your emotions and actions are involved with another person.

 

[candiel]

Dh and I were dating for six years before we got married.

I don't think there is a secret ingredient. Like ClassyND said, everyone knows what they will/ will not tolerate or work through in a relationship.

I think that some people put up with certain things just out of fear of being alone (I've been guilty of this).

Then you have others who haven't reached a place in their life where they are willing to sacrifice or compromise for another person so, they end up having a lot of failed relationships when obstacles come up.

 

[PhoenixRose360]

My current relationship is my longest one. It'll be 4 yrs on Jan 1st. I only had 1 other relationship that was about 2 yrs, all my other ones were 6 months to a year. What I realized was that a good portion of the problem was me, I was scared. I was scared to really open up and really let anyone in. It wasn't until I realized that I was tired of being alone and made a conscious effort that I needed to change my ways. Funny thing is that my SO was in my life all this time, and kept insisting that we become a couple. Naturally I was scared, but decided to give it a try and here were 4 yrs later, talking about marriage. He hasn't proposed yet, but one day, lol.

 

[*KP*]

WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?

The one I am currently in, a little over 3 years.

For those of you that always seem to have these long relationships what is the secret ingredient?

I think the key BEFORE you start any relationship is to be in a happy place all alone. No man can "complete you" or make you happy if you are not complete or happy without him. Also, know what you want BEFORE it comes along, how else will you recognise it when it shows up? Know what you will and won't accept before you get all lovestruck and your judgement get clouded. And I think when you are in a relationship, one of the most important things is that you are both willing to work it out. No relationship is perfect, you will have your share of ups and downs, but if you are willing to work at it (both of you) you can get through pretty much anything (I think and I hope! LOL)

Why do some people always seem to be in long relationships and not others?

I think I have to agree with Classy here, long does not necessarily mean good. So to have a good & long relationship you have to be willing to make some sacrifices and compromises without compromising your values and without meaning to sound corny, you gotta love yourself first!

 

[sonce]

Long can be too long. I don't believe in relationships that last for more than 2 or 3 years with no mention of marriage. Those types of relationships are a waste of time IMO and while they work for some, the women I have known and heard of who got involved in such relationships ended up unwed baby mamas or single at advanced ages. I've had two relationships last for almost three years each. I was engaged to each guy and broke it off each time.

 

[envybeauty]

When I have talked to people who I have thought were in 'perfect' relationships for 2 years, 5 years etc, they tell me it isn't as rosy as it seems. ............. yet when I am dating and I tell them about my problems everybody gives me advice "dump him" and "you can find someone better" yet they are sticking with their man no matter what!

Don't listen to them. They are telling you what they desire for themselves yet they don't have the guts to pursue for themselves (e.g., a better man).

The length of a relationship means nothing. I would rather walk away from a relationship that will only last 4 months if we don't get along than to spend 4 years with the same guy. Some spend far too many years with a person that they are not happy with.

 

[HairQueen]

Looking at the poll responses looks like most of you have been in some long relationships. Makes me feel like I have been doing something wrongerplexed or maybe I have just been unlucky in relationships. I feel inadequate because I have not had a long relationship except for one that lasted 2 years and that was about 6 years ago all the rest barely hit 4 months.

I gotta stop picking these cute guys they nice to look at but they just nothing but trouble for me I wondering if that is the problem? *sigh*

 

[*KP*]

Looking at the poll responses looks like most of you have been in some long relationships. Makes me feel like I have been doing something wrongerplexed or maybe I have just been unlucky in relationships. I feel inadequate because I have not had a long relationship except for one that lasted 2 years and that was about 6 years ago all the rest barely hit 4 months.

I gotta stop picking these cute guys they nice to look at but they just nothing but trouble for me I wondering if that is the problem? *sigh*

Make a list...actually 3 lists...

1) The qualities of type of man you would absolutely hate to be with, things you would just not stand for (this is usually the easiest to start with - selfish, ugly, etc - YEAH, I SAID IT, UGLY!

2) The qualities of your dream man, then put a * next to the ones that you cannot do without.

3) The qualities of the kind of woman that would attract the kind of man you talked about in list 2.

From here, you compare yourself to list 3 - is there anything you need to work on to attract your dream guy?

Secondly, when you meet a guy, you can judge with your head if he meets your criteria way before you fall head over heels and invest your heart into the relationship because after that stage we as women sometimes lie to ourselves about a man being what we want/need because we have invested too much in the relationship.

 

[HairQueen]

Make a list...actually 3 lists...

1) The qualities of type of man you would absolutely hate to be with, things you would just not stand for (this is usually the easiest to start with - selfish, ugly, etc - YEAH, I SAID IT, UGLY!

2) The qualities of your dream man, then put a * next to the ones that you cannot do without.

3) The qualities of the kind of woman that would attract the kind of man you talked about in list 2.

From here, you compare yourself to list 3 - is there anything you need to work on to attract your dream guy?

Secondly, when you meet a guy, you can judge with your head if he meets your criteria way before you fall head over heels and invest your heart into the relationship because after that stage we as women sometimes lie to ourselves about a man being what we want/need because we have invested too much in the relationship.

Thats a good idea!!! I will def do that.

lol at the UGLY bit:

By the way you never did tell me in your PM where in London you live?

 

[NClady]

Before any of any relationships ended, I ask myself if I am happy, is there anything that we both can do to make this work and can I be with this man for the rest of my life. You know the saying; people come into your life for a reason, season and lifetime. No relationship is perfect, but if you are truly unhappy and things aren’t getting any better, to me personally there is no need to continue to remain in the relationship. A relationship is like a business, the both of you have to work on it together. You just have some people not wanting to be a team player and that is when you have to move on.

 

[MissYocairis]

Hi ladies,

For those of you that always seem to have these long relationships what is the secret ingredient? Why do some people always seem to be in long relationships and not others?

When I have talked to people who I have thought were in 'perfect' relationships for 2 years, 5 years etc, they tell me it isn't as rosy as it seems. Do a lot of people turn a blind eye to things because they don't want to be single? I don't know but sometimes that is the impression I get very often, yet when I am dating and I tell them about my problems everybody gives me advice "dump him" and "you can find someone better" yet they are sticking with their man no matter what!

Sorry I am not meaning for this to be a negative thread I would just like to know the secrets to a long lasting relationship - of course I appreciate that every situation and person are different but I am just talking generally.


Thanks

I have long relationships. I think the main example of why this is for me is that I am VERY selective. I don't want a relationship with just anybody. There have to be butterflies and I need to be thoroughly impressed with a man to even consider seeing him longterm. I don't like wasting time on men "just to see". If I'm unsure that I could really care for you, I'm not wasting any time on you. My filters are up early on and it's hard to get past them.

So, when I get into a relationship, it tends to be long but the breaks in between of me being single are also long because I'm not afraid to be by myself and I embrace that time if I find myself single. Lots of prospects do not get very far with me because by knowing myself well (having embraced my time alone), I know very early what I like and don't like and so I tend not to be confused about who I'd like to invest time in longterm...meaning, I don't kiss too many frogs...my relationships have been wonderful learning experiences and I don't consider any of them a waste of time. BUT...if I seriously dated every man who wanted to....I would feel that I have wasted a lot of time. Do you feel me? Some women take new men into their lives too quickly and readily thinking "let's give him a try!" I'd rather be alone than be conducting constant auditions for the role of "my man!"

Also, because I value friendship and really feel it's paramount to a successful relationship, I spend time cultivating that first before I decide whether this man is good enough for me to consider dating exclusively. What that translates into, is a relationship that weather's bumps and bruises a bit better. We aren't going to break up over things that people who aren't necessarily true friends would break up over.

Lastly, I try not to be a slave to my own expectations....I really try hard to give love without expectation because when we allow our expectations to guide our actions in a love relationship, we place an impossible burden on our partner and we are only in it to see what we can get out of it...not only that...but we wouldn't accept any of that from our man, yet we do it to him. So, I try not to be all, "tit-for-tat" and "keeping score". My longest relationship was my marriage...because we were married but mainly also because we had children. 8 years. Other than that, my relationships are always 3 years at the very least.

 

[adf23]

Before I got married, my longest exclusive relationship was about 6 months erplexed DH and I dated for 1.5 yrs before we got engaged.

 

[mzcris]

My marriage has been my longest relationship...11 years in March 2008.

 

[IntoMyhair]

my marriage 13 years together 1 month married

 

[kbragg]

5 years January 28th The Secret? Prayer, LOTS AND LOTS of prayer, submitting to God, and did I mention prayer. The one life changing thing one minister said to me (well to everyone in service but it felt like it was for me) was, if you have a problem with your spouse, talk to God about it, cuz you fussing, and trying to make your point solves nothing and if anything encourages resistance to where he'll be so stubborn he won't yield to the work God is trying to do in him because his ego is wrapped up in not wanting to hear "I told you so." Well I started doing that and WOW it worked! Imagine that lol. Seriously, one time we were having an argument and just as I was about to do the "Black girl thang" (ya'll know what I'm talking about!) I decided to give the minster's advice a try. So I bit my bottom lip and walked away, went into my girls bedroom and began to weep (I cry when I'm mad lol) and pray before the Lord (hubby couldn't hear me) Well, anyway, I had not been done praying for 10 minutes before hubby walks up to me and apologizes and admits he was not treating me right and asked my forgiveness! I freaked out lol but I was sold on prayer after that!

Also, in my business, a lot of times people looking at my business or product are retirees that have been married like 40-50 years! I always ask them how they made it, and one thing I noticed is that for both men and women there is a deep reverence and respect for their spouse. One man in particulars response really hit me. He didn't say "She makes me warm and fuzzy" or anything like that. He said "That's the mother of my children and my wife, for all she's given me, there's never been anything worth throwing that away for. You compromise, you work together. It's family, it's not just about getting, but giving too."

Ok, that's my long winded reply lol.

 

[sonce]

5 years January 28th The Secret? Prayer, LOTS AND LOTS of prayer, submitting to God, and did I mention prayer. The one life changing thing one minister said to me (well to everyone in service but it felt like it was for me) was, if you have a problem with your spouse, talk to God about it, cuz you fussing, and trying to make your point solves nothing and if anything encourages resistance to where he'll be so stubborn he won't yield to the work God is trying to do in him because his ego is wrapped up in not wanting to hear "I told you so." Well I started doing that and WOW it worked! Imagine that lol. Seriously, one time we were having an argument and just as I was about to do the "Black girl thang" (ya'll know what I'm talking about!) I decided to give the minster's advice a try. So I bit my bottom lip and walked away, went into my girls bedroom and began to weep (I cry when I'm mad lol) and pray before the Lord (hubby couldn't hear me) Well, anyway, I had not been done praying for 10 minutes before hubby walks up to me and apologizes and admits he was not treating me right and asked my forgiveness! I freaked out lol but I was sold on prayer after that!

Also, in my business, a lot of times people looking at my business or product are retirees that have been married like 40-50 years! I always ask them how they made it, and one thing I noticed is that for both men and women there is a deep reverence and respect for their spouse. One man in particulars response really hit me. He didn't say "She makes me warm and fuzzy" or anything like that. He said "That's the mother of my children and my wife, for all she's given me, there's never been anything worth throwing that away for. You compromise, you work together. It's family, it's not just about getting, but giving too."

Ok, that's my long winded reply lol.

This is a fantastic post, Kbragg! Especially the bolded parts--those are real gems.

 

[shelly25]

My longest relationship is the one I'm in now, and we've been together for a year and 8 mos.

 

[Blkprincess]

I've been with my DH for 6 six, we just celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary in Dec, my previous boyfriend and I were together for about 7 years

 

[carcajada]

Don't listen to them. They are telling you what they desire for themselves yet they don't have the guts to pursue for themselves (e.g., a better man).

That's true. I say, (to the OP) consider the source and discern information/advice for yourself because sometimes people see what you don't see.

 

[Whimsy]

over 5 years.

I've been on and off (mostly on) with someone since i was 19. I'm 26.

 

[somethingdifferent]

My husband and I dated off and on for about four years before we married. We will celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary this month.

 

[MzTami]

11 years....with ex-hubby.

Going on 8 years with current hubby. Almost 5 years married.

 

[Ronda123]

5 years January 28th The Secret? Prayer, LOTS AND LOTS of prayer, submitting to God, and did I mention prayer. The one life changing thing one minister said to me (well to everyone in service but it felt like it was for me) was, if you have a problem with your spouse, talk to God about it, cuz you fussing, and trying to make your point solves nothing and if anything encourages resistance to where he'll be so stubborn he won't yield to the work God is trying to do in him because his ego is wrapped up in not wanting to hear "I told you so." Well I started doing that and WOW it worked! Imagine that lol. Seriously, one time we were having an argument and just as I was about to do the "Black girl thang" (ya'll know what I'm talking about!) I decided to give the minster's advice a try. So I bit my bottom lip and walked away, went into my girls bedroom and began to weep (I cry when I'm mad lol) and pray before the Lord (hubby couldn't hear me) Well, anyway, I had not been done praying for 10 minutes before hubby walks up to me and apologizes and admits he was not treating me right and asked my forgiveness! I freaked out lol but I was sold on prayer after that!

Also, in my business, a lot of times people looking at my business or product are retirees that have been married like 40-50 years! I always ask them how they made it, and one thing I noticed is that for both men and women there is a deep reverence and respect for their spouse. One man in particulars response really hit me. He didn't say "She makes me warm and fuzzy" or anything like that. He said "That's the mother of my children and my wife, for all she's given me, there's never been anything worth throwing that away for. You compromise, you work together. It's family, it's not just about getting, but giving too."

Ok, that's my long winded reply lol.

I agree, great post. My longest relationship is my marriage--13 years.

 

[MissJ]

4 years but never again unless I'm married to the person.

 

[dannie]

1 yr and truthfully that was 6 months too long...

 

[miracle]

10 years. We dated for three years, were engaged for one year, and were married for six years.

 

[dona_flor]

My husband and I have been married for 13 years, as of August '07. We got married 2 months after we first met .

 

[MrsBurns82]

My longest relationship was about 4 years it was pretty pointless. Now that I look back at it we were pretty much just bed buddies who went out to eat and to the movies. I've been with my SO a bit short of a year, we've known each other for about 3 years and it already seems so be a much more gratifying relationship. I contribute that to both of our maturity levels at this point as well as where we are and understanding what we want from each other.

I think the length of a relationship doesn't correlate with the success of it.

 

[sxyhairfetish]

7 years and counting