What can you do now to find love in the future?

[cutiebe2]

I am young and not looking to get married now (20, in college). But from some of the recent threads I am realizing that you cannot wait until the exact day you are ready to get married to start looking for love or getting yourself together...things take time.

What things do you wish you had done when you were younger to get the ball moving or prepare yourself for marriage down the road? Yes, I am working on the physical (hair, skin, body), but I feel there is more to it than that.
Any thoughts or advice?

 

[Bunny77]

I am young and not looking to get married now (20, in college). But from some of the recent threads I am realizing that you cannot wait until the exact day you are ready to get married to start looking for love or getting yourself together...things take time.

What things do you wish you had done when you were younger to get the ball moving or prepare yourself for marriage down the road? Yes, I am working on the physical (hair, skin, body), but I feel there is more to it than that.
Any thoughts or advice?

-Date for marriage. Don't get caught up in the cycle of friends with benefits or being with some dude for four years just going with the flow and thinking you'll get married some day. Now this doesn't mean that you can't just go out on "fun" dates with men, but keep your feelings protected and don't get emotionally caught up with someone who is not on the same page as you about marriage and long-term relationships.

Don't forget too that even if you aren't looking to marry right now, if you are with a man for MANY years and then you break up, you'll then have to go through the boo-hooing/depressed/healing cycle that happens after a relationship falls apart. That takes away even MORE time that you could have spent with the right man.

 

[inthepink]

Listen to Bunny, she has great tips!

 

[awhyley]

Bunny77 speaketh truth. All I can add is to make sure that you're the best you that you can be. This "better half" or "other half" nonsense is just that. You're a whole person before you meet him and after. It's okay to have your own interests, opinions, etc. and it's okay if you don't agree as a couple all of the time. Just ensure that you're not relying on a man to 'complete you' as it were when you're ready to get married.

 

[gn1g]

if your a christian read anything on relationships by Myles Monroe. He has awesome insight.

 

[awhyley]

^^^ Myles Munroe is a Bahamian, just wanted everyone to know that.

 

[Syrah]

- I gotta second Bunny on the notion of "date for marriage". It doesn't mean that you date with the purpose of getting married, but that don't waste your time dating men that aren't marriage material. What's the point?

- Don't fall into the trap that a car + a job + an education + your own place to live = ideal marriage material.

- Establish open communication early in relationships.

HAVE FUN!!!! Dating doesn't have to be a chore, and it can actually help reveal things about yourself that you might not have been aware of...and it can cement things you were on the fence about.

 

[scarcity21]

Great advice ladies! now i need tips on how to date for marriage 101...break it down for a sista... how can u not get emotionally attached when say uve been seeing someone for close to a year or do u advise to break it off it isnt headed in the "marriage" direction???

 

[Bunny77]

Great advice ladies! now i need tips on how to date for marriage 101...break it down for a sista... how can u not get emotionally attached when say uve been seeing someone for close to a year or do u advise to break it off it isnt headed in the "marriage" direction???

Hi!

What's your definition of "seeing someone?" How close/not close are you two? Are you officially boyfriend and girlfriend (had the exclusivity talk?) Are you intimate but haven't had the talk? Or intimate, but have had the talk?

Thanks!

 

[cutiebe2]

these are all great! Keep them coming!!!!! Shout out to Bunny77, you know your stuff girl!

 

[envybeauty]

Trust your gut and walk away early. If he is doing something wrong now (sneaking, lying, etc), then leave. Don't go back.

Relationships are not meant to be a struggle. So, no you don't have to have little arguments all the time, etc. Ignore people who say if you don't argue, then you have a problem. Those people are used to drama in their lives. It is one thing to argue about why he lied about x, and another to say we have different preferences when it comes to x. You wouldn't stay friends with someone you argue with all the time so why stick with a guy you have to argue with.

You will always have more than enough sista friends so quit trying to make more. Go to events and join organizations where men participate. Do not donate a lot of time to women only organizations post graduation if you didn't before graduation (like Junior League, women's usher ministry, most art/fashion events, etc). Some women go to mostly women only events and wonder why they don't meet men. You have to diversify your time and organizations. Go to Urban League and Junior League events. Include happy hours, political events, and sporting games.

Don't be anybody's fb. Ever. Women in those situations (don't even call that a relationship) always attract the worst men. They try to rationalize it by saying they have needs, etc but really those women aren't fulfilling anything. Makes no sense to me when I read stuff like that on here. Most of those women don't have good relationships much less any proposals.

 

[scarcity21]

Hi!

What's your definition of "seeing someone?" How close/not close are you two? Are you officially boyfriend and girlfriend (had the exclusivity talk?) Are you intimate but haven't had the talk? Or intimate, but have had the talk?

Thanks!

Bunny it was the same guy I was talking about in the other post...yes, he wanted to be in a relationship with me..he asked me twice before I agreed. We met July 4th...he just broke up with me last week 3/3, so yea, we were in a serious relationship for 7 months...we had the talk, intimacy all that. Im asking for future reference. so when I say "seeing someone"...I mean, when the 2 people involved are in a serious exclusive relationship...TIA

 

[locabouthair]

Don't be anybody's fb. Ever. Women in those situations (don't even call that a relationship) always attract the worst men. They try to rationalize it by saying they have needs, etc but really those women aren't fulfilling anything. Makes no sense to me when I read stuff like that on here. Most of those women don't have good relationships much less any proposals.

Someone just told me 5 minutes ago, I didnt get the title because I didnt give up the "cookie".erplexed

 

[sexyeyes3616]

In my opinion stop looking for it, and it will come. They say the women who focus on themselves and don't necessarily look for somebody are the ones who end up falling in love. This may not always be true, but I think it is the case sometimes.

 

[envybeauty]

Someone just told me 5 minutes ago, I didnt get the title because I didnt give up the "cookie".erplexed

He wasn't looking for marriage anyway. He'll still be single (or cheating on his wife ) while you'll be happily married years from now.

 

[Bunny77]

Lots of responses below!

these are all great! Keep them coming!!!!! Shout out to Bunny77, you know your stuff girl!

Thanks! Although I didn't figure these things out until, oh, like 2 years ago! I'm pretty analytical and when I noticed similar patterns ALWAYS happening in my dating life/relationship life, I really started doing some studying to see how I could change things. So far, so good!

Don't be anybody's fb. Ever. Women in those situations (don't even call that a relationship) always attract the worst men. They try to rationalize it by saying they have needs, etc but really those women aren't fulfilling anything. Makes no sense to me when I read stuff like that on here. Most of those women don't have good relationships much less any proposals.

I agreed with your whole post, but especially this. Yes, I know that there are some woman who can do FB and be fine and blah blah blah, but most women are lying to themselves that it's just about fulfilling a need. When you really start asking someone about their FB or potential FB, they usually admit that there's more interest there than just being an FB, but they settle for FB since they can't get anything else right then and there.

Bunny it was the same guy I was talking about in the other post...yes, he wanted to be in a relationship with me..he asked me twice before I agreed. We met July 4th...he just broke up with me last week 3/3, so yea, we were in a serious relationship for 7 months...we had the talk, intimacy all that. Im asking for future reference. so when I say "seeing someone"...I mean, when the 2 people involved are in a serious exclusive relationship...TIA

Sorry about the break up. That actually sounds like my story last year... the guy did the talk, we were official, etc. So it doesn't always work out, but at least you didn't lose too much time!

I'd say for the future, spend your dates talking and getting to know where the guy stands on a variety of things relating to marriage and relationships. Also, depending on your age, see if he's in a position where he'd feel comfortable enough to consider marriage. That guy who's talking about grad school or about moving might not be the one... I mean, you don't necessarily have to rule him out because he's saying those things, but don't ignore those factors because they could come into play later.

Wait a while on intimacy as well so you can get to know the guy and know where he stands on these things. A non-marriage minded man might jump ship -- which doesn't necessarily make him a bad guy, but just not what you're looking for.

Someone just told me 5 minutes ago, I didnt get the title because I didnt give up the "cookie".erplexed

Who is this "someone"? Folks always have **** to say... you know what folks say about opinions, right?

All I know is that every time I got the "title," it was BEFORE cookies. NEVER got a title when cookies came first.

Yes, there are exceptions -- including some on the board -- but you do you.

In my opinion stop looking for it, and it will come. They say the women who focus on themselves and don't necessarily look for somebody are the ones who end up falling in love. This may not always be true, but I think it is the case sometimes.

And there are women in their late 30s and 40s and beyond who have never "looked for it" and it "never came." Cliches are not universal and can get folks into trouble.

No, you shouldn't be desperate and chase dudes, but the OP's question wasn't about looking for someone. She asked about the best ways to find love in the future if she's marriage minded. Men will likely approach her in a variety of ways and she's wondering how to make the right decisions so that she can experience a healthy love relationship.

That doesn't have anything to do with her "looking for somebody."

 

[locabouthair]

He wasn't looking for marriage anyway. He'll still be single (or cheating on his wife ) while you'll be happily married years from now.

Who is this "someone"? Folks always have **** to say... you know what folks say about opinions, right?

All I know is that every time I got the "title," it was BEFORE cookies. NEVER got a title when cookies came first.

Yes, there are exceptions -- including some on the board -- but you do you.

The person that said that was a female friend. She was speculating as to why the guy I was dating didnt want a rlp. Basically in Steve Harvey's book he says that everyman thinks about how much work he has to do tio get the cookie and if he the cost of the cookie is too high, he bounces. So she said my cookie was too high. Idk. I was like ok, how many women have "low cost cookies" and still arent in rlps?

 

[scarcity21]

Lots of responses below!



Sorry about the break up. That actually sounds like my story last year... the guy did the talk, we were official, etc. So it doesn't always work out, but at least you didn't lose too much time!

I'd say for the future, spend your dates talking and getting to know where the guy stands on a variety of things relating to marriage and relationships. Also, depending on your age, see if he's in a position where he'd feel comfortable enough to consider marriage. That guy who's talking about grad school or about moving might not be the one... I mean, you don't necessarily have to rule him out because he's saying those things, but don't ignore those factors because they could come into play later.

Wait a while on intimacy as well so you can get to know the guy and know where he stands on these things. A non-marriage minded man might jump ship -- which doesn't necessarily make him a bad guy, but just not what you're looking for.


Thanks so much Bunny

 

[hopeful]

The person that said that was a female friend. She was speculating as to why the guy I was dating didnt want a rlp. Basically in Steve Harvey's book he says that everyman thinks about how much work he has to do tio get the cookie and if he the cost of the cookie is too high, he bounces. So she said my cookie was too high. Idk. I was like ok, how many women have "low cost cookies" and still arent in rlps?

The cost of your cookie was too high...for him. The right guy will be willing to put in the work and wait for your sweet, gourmet cookie .

 

[hopeful]

Bunny it was the same guy I was talking about in the other post...yes, he wanted to be in a relationship with me..he asked me twice before I agreed. We met July 4th...he just broke up with me last week 3/3, so yea, we were in a serious relationship for 7 months...we had the talk, intimacy all that. Im asking for future reference. so when I say "seeing someone"...I mean, when the 2 people involved are in a serious exclusive relationship...TIA

I'm sorry things didn't work out. I agree with Bunny that it's best to wait a little longer for intimacy and even then to never start behaving like you are married until you are married. IMO there should always be a level of intimacy that should be saved for marriage. Not saying you did this, just throwing some ideas out there.

 

[Miss_Luna]

-Date for marriage. Don't get caught up in the cycle of friends with benefits or being with some dude for four years just going with the flow and thinking you'll get married some day. Now this doesn't mean that you can't just go out on "fun" dates with men, but keep your feelings protected and don't get emotionally caught up with someone who is not on the same page as you about marriage and long-term relationships.

Don't forget too that even if you aren't looking to marry right now, if you are with a man for MANY years and then you break up, you'll then have to go through the boo-hooing/depressed/healing cycle that happens after a relationship falls apart. That takes away even MORE time that you could have spent with the right man.

I didn't even read the whole thread, but I just wanted to say that I wish that someone would have told me this 4 years ago, when I was 20. Mentally getting over someone takes about 1.5 times longer than the actual time you were together. The bitter phase itself takes at least 6 months to a year, for me at least. erplexed

 

[aribell]

You will always have more than enough sista friends so quit trying to make more. Go to events and join organizations where men participate. Do not donate a lot of time to women only organizations post graduation if you didn't before graduation (like Junior League, women's usher ministry, most art/fashion events, etc). Some women go to mostly women only events and wonder why they don't meet men. You have to diversify your time and organizations. Go to Urban League and Junior League events. Include happy hours, political events, and sporting games.

That whole post was really on point, but I will second the above. That can really get you into trouble, constantly hanging out with other women. It can be subtle. And the bad part about it is that I think it tends to attract the same type of people, either women who are married and not looking, or other younger women who tend to cluster with other females only.

 

[cheetarah1980]

You will always have more than enough sista friends so quit trying to make more. Go to events and join organizations where men participate. Do not donate a lot of time to women only organizations post graduation if you didn't before graduation (like Junior League, women's usher ministry, most art/fashion events, etc). Some women go to mostly women only events and wonder why they don't meet men. You have to diversify your time and organizations. Go to Urban League and Junior League events. Include happy hours, political events, and sporting games.

I agree with this 1000%. Also, learn to hang out alone. Rolling with the pack tends to be man repellent. You're much more approachable solo or with just one friend. It's best to learn how to meet men and interact with them now. There are so many women who weren't ready for dating/marriage and focused on other pursuits (education, career, etc.) that years later when they are ready to be married they can't even get a date because they never meet anyone and don't know how to.

 

[CarLiTa]

I agree with this 1000%. Also, learn to hang out alone. Rolling with the pack tends to be man repellent. You're much more approachable solo or with just one friend. It's best to learn how to meet men and interact with them now. There are so many women who weren't ready for dating/marriage and focused on other pursuits (education, career, etc.) that years later when they are ready to be married they can't even get a date because they never meet anyone and don't know how to.

gaaah i'm in that boat!!!

i have very very few male friends... or the ones I know, i haven't really developed my friendships with them. Once they start dating someone, I figure out that building a friendship with them at that state REALLY isn't possible/wise. Don't want to be accused of homewrecking or whatever.

Going to a woman's college doesn't really help either... jeez. I gotta try to make some male friends this summer I sound extra urgent and flustered, don't I?

I am one of those girls who tends to hang out with young women a LOT. This summer, I am looking forward to branching out on my own and putting more effort into my relationships with males.

I think it's easier when you're at a co-ed school though. No one really gets ideas when you just hang out with a male classmate. If you're meeting each other in other settings, how do you separate the friendship aspect from a date?

 

[cutiebe2]

gaaah i'm in that boat!!!

i have very very few male friends... or the ones I know, i haven't really developed my friendships with them. Once they start dating someone, I figure out that building a friendship with them at that state REALLY isn't possible/wise. Don't want to be accused of homewrecking or whatever.

Going to a woman's college doesn't really help either... jeez. I gotta try to make some male friends this summer I sound extra urgent and flustered, don't I?

I am one of those girls who tends to hang out with young women a LOT. This summer, I am looking forward to branching out on my own and putting more effort into my relationships with males.

I think it's easier when you're at a co-ed school though. No one really gets ideas when you just hang out with a male classmate. If you're meeting each other in other settings, how do you separate the friendship aspect from a date?

I know what school you go to, and I always thought you girls met tons of guys lol. Don't guys come there for parties? Although I guess partying is different than studying together, eating together and all that?

 

[Bunny77]

There are so many women who weren't ready for dating/marriage and focused on other pursuits (education, career, etc.) that years later when they are ready to be married they can't even get a date because they never meet anyone and don't know how to.

You know I agree with ya!

Women get so much bad advice on this issue... "Focus on school and the boys later," blah blah blah... or then women assume that because they have the education, career, finances in place, then the men will come a' runnin'.

It's a rude awakening all of a sudden to have gotten those achievements everyone told you to get and to be a good person and then you notice how dateless you are and how a bunch of people dated and might have even gotten married AT THE SAME TIME they were getting their education and building their careers.

I know I've learned so much recently about dating... I'm pretty good at getting dates (wasn't always), but it's been hard trying to cross from buddy-buddy with men to girlfriend. I didn't even realize this was an issue, but just being out there has helped me be a better dater and deal with some of these things!

 

[CarLiTa]

I know what school you go to, and I always thought you girls met tons of guys lol. Don't guys come there for parties? Although I guess partying is different than studying together, eating together and all that?

how do you know?
Yes, they come here for parties. Studying together, eating together and all that is different and would be much better. It happens for some people though. I guess I never put it as much effort. The effort that I sometimes see put in seems a little excessive, to be honest, but I guess it works?

 

[SpiritJunkie]

I agree with this 1000%. Also, learn to hang out alone. Rolling with the pack tends to be man repellent. You're much more approachable solo or with just one friend. It's best to learn how to meet men and interact with them now. There are so many women who weren't ready for dating/marriage and focused on other pursuits (education, career, etc.) that years later when they are ready to be married they can't even get a date because they never meet anyone and don't know how to.

This is the best thing to do. I noticed some female friends are always trying to be ALL UP in my biz. be careful of that. intentions aren't necessarily positive.

So rolling solo is much better or 1 person max.

 

[countrychickd]

Such great advice on this thread! I'm taking notes ladies.

 

[MissNina]

You know I agree with ya!

Women get so much bad advice on this issue... "Focus on school and the boys later," blah blah blah... or then women assume that because they have the education, career, finances in place, then the men will come a' runnin'.

It's a rude awakening all of a sudden to have gotten those achievements everyone told you to get and to be a good person and then you notice how dateless you are and how a bunch of people dated and might have even gotten married AT THE SAME TIME they were getting their education and building their careers.

Yeah, I definitely agree with that quote though. I did that and it paid off for me. But I think the key is not taking it SOOOO literally, to the extreme.

In HS I def wasn't worried about guys like that, I had maybe like 2 bfs? They didn't last long The first like year and a half of undergrad, I was just having fun with my girls. . .I had maybe one LDR in the midst of that. That was great bc it allowed me to focus while still feeling like I was "with somebody". My guy friends were able to give me just enough (non-fam) male attn while I was focusing on school.

The mid of Jr yr is when I started really focusing on dating/relationships. . .and eventually that focus switched to casual dating. I think once you have your educational foundation set, you should start focusing on boys but not a moment sooner. lol I'm prob a lil boy crazy now bc I missed out on it for so long but it's fun and I like it . . .and my business (school) is basically over with so my lil mood swings don't mess me up. I had a tough break up with an ex and my grades DROPPED, but b/c I had done so well the other 2 yrs, that semester wasn't the end of the world as far as GPA is concerned. Dating can really mess you up if you're not careful!

I feel like, esp when you're in school, you need to be about your business and truly be about it. I can't imagine having the types of complex relationships I had the past few yrs when I was a freshman or sophomore and still having the kind of educational focus I had then.