Were you physically compatible with him from day one? (kind of long)

[jnicole]

Ladies,

When you met your SO did you have a physical attraction to him from the very start? Did he do everything right in the bedroom? I'm dating a guy whom I enjoy talking to and spending time with but I'm not physically attracted to him. I can see us being friends but I don't know if I want it to go further. He's not really ugly, just not who I would've chosen for myself. I don't know if I see myself being intimate with him. He's talking marriage and having a life together. He's also not very smooth in his approach to intimacy. One night we were "making out" (for lack of a better term) and he was so rough, biting, and grabbing and licking . It was so gross and I was so turned off. I literally felt like I had been in a fight the next day. I thought to myself I could never sleep with this man. I suggested we stop and just watch a movie. Should I try to teach him? He's kind of been growing on me emotionally. He's very attentative and continuously tells me he wants things to work out and he wants to make my happy. I'm waiting to feel that spark. What do you ladies think?

 

[hopeful]

I wish I could help you, that's a tough one. If it were me I would leave him alone because you're saying he has bad technique and you are not attracted to me, imo that is a lot to get past. I'll be interested in what the other ladies say.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

If I didn't just finish watching Waiting to Exhale last night, I probably would have advised you to give him a little time...but nah, kick ol' boy to the curb. Women can be too accepting of undesirable partners...


Re your original question: I have met people who I thought were ugly, who became handsome after I got to know their personalities...It does not seem to be the case with your guy though.

 

[Butterfly08]

There has been more than one guy that I did not immediately feel a spark for. I know now that looks don't pull me in as much as a compatible personality - shared values, great sense of humor, interesting conversation, kindness and compassion, etc.

I don't really see any harm in giving it a little more time to see if anything develops, but the biting licking etc. must stop (since that's not what you like ).

Once (or if) you're sure it's a no-go I'd end it right away, no need in leading him on.

 

[deltadreamland]

My son's father and my ex husband are both very handsome men, but they are exes for a reason. The guy that I'm currently seeing is no where near as handsome as they are, but he's a GOOD man with a nice personality and an excellent father to his sons. So for these reasons, I see no need to leave him. I have learned that everything that glitters is not gold. If he's a good man, perhaps you can take the lead, smooth his rough edges, and slow him down a bit in the intimacy dept.

If you're even considering teaching him, then maybe you should give it a try. If after trying you still feel as though you can't be with him, then at least you can walk away saying you tried.

 

[jnicole]

Thanks for your replies ladies. He does seem like a good man. I don't want to give up too soon when there could be something between us, but my tolerance is so low right now due to dealing with so much nonsense from past men.

 

[daydreem2876]

Thanks for your replies ladies. He does seem like a good man. I don't want to give up too soon when there could be something between us, but my tolerance is so low right now due to dealing with so much nonsense from past men.

I can understand your low tolerance and not really wanting to be bothered teaching anyone anything because of the past. But all of things you have mentioned can be taught. It sounds like he is just a little inexperienced when it comes to intimacy. And that OK, again it can be fixed. But if he is a good man and you feel like you a drawing closer to him, then dont make him pay for what others did in the past. That is not fair to either of you, but especially to him.

 

[swirl]

If you're not feeling that "fiyah" for him, then you need to move him to the friend zone. Trust me on this...I married a good man who I did not feel that "fiyah" for thinking that the heat would come, but it hasn't.

 

[~VicTorIAn~]

I've been in your situation before.
I wasn't attracted to him. His face was particularly hard to look at. He wasn't FUG, he just wasnt...IDK. When we kissed for the first time, I felt nothing. Even though his technique lacked, I later learned to focus on the things I really liked about him. He's sweet, passionate, attentive, his body is on point and he gives the best hugs.

In the course of a year and change, he went from hard to look at, to cute, to sexy, and eventually-perfect. Our emotional bond strengthened and everything else fell into place.

Give it some time. Let "the Jay-Z effect" marinate a little. LOL

 

[janeera1]

When I first met SO, he was definitely not my type. I really loved his personality, but physically he wasn't what I wanted, and he didn't have that swagger that I was used to. But, from the first time we really made out, I've seen him differently. We have a sexual and romantic chemistry that I NEVER had with men that I dated in the past. I'd say to you, if you're questioning yourself then, that is for a reason. I wouldn't just up and leave him if I were you because you obviously see plenty of reasons to stay. Give it some time. Be open and honest, and if he's the man for you, he will accept it and adjust to what your needs are. If he gets offended and places the blame one you, then you know what to do. KIM.....HTH!

 

[weaveologist]

It depends. As you grow feelings for someone they start to develop a sexiness about them they drives you crazy even if you aren't attracted to thier physical attributes. An ex-boyfriend of mine wasn't the finest thing in the world and his penis was even not as big as I would have liked it to be but there were things about his personality that made him sexy. I fell in love with him for who he was on the inside, so the sex was good no matter his size. There was a swagger about him that I grew to love despite the fact that I usually was not attracted to men his skin tone......

But when it comes to love like this you have to be careful because your love for him will be the ONLY thing keeping you in the relationship . Well, that was the situation for me anyway. Because once he starts acting up and/or you fall out of love, the first thing you are going to think or say is "I'm not even attracted to you!"...lmao! Nothing worse than a man you weren't initally attracted to physically or in the bedroom acting a fool on you.

 

[Angelicus]

It's obvious that you two are not compatible.

 

[jnicole]

If you're not feeling that "fiyah" for him, then you need to move him to the friend zone. Trust me on this...I married a good man who I did not feel that "fiyah" for thinking that the heat would come, but it hasn't.

These are my exact feelings. I don't feel that "fiyah", but I'm thinking maybe it will come eventually.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

hmmmm that's a hard one...good luck

 

[Farida]

It would be one thing if you just hated his techinque - that can be learned.

But attraction - if you aren't attracted to him, you can't force yourself to be. Let him go.


Ask yourself, are you not attracted to him period, or are you put off by his technique?

 

[jnicole]

It would be one thing if you just hated his techinque - that can be learned.

But attraction - if you aren't attracted to him, you can't force yourself to be. Let him go.


Ask yourself, are you not attracted to him period, or are you put off by his technique?

I think I'm more put off by his technique than his looks.

 

[hopeful]

...
But when it comes to love like this you have to be careful because your love for him will be the ONLY thing keeping you in the relationship . Well, that was the situation for me anyway. Because once he starts acting up and/or you fall out of love, the first thing you are going to think or say is "I'm not even attracted to you!"...lmao! Nothing worse than a man you weren't initally attracted to physically or in the bedroom acting a fool on you.

This is an excellent point. I have always been very attracted to my dh from the first time I saw him. So even when I want to wring his neck a part of me still wants to him. I have to be really really mad for that feeling to go away. I had a friend who married a "nice" guy who she was not attracted to and I noticed that when things went bad they went bad really quickly.

I think I'm more put off by his technique than his looks.

Hopefully that is it. If not, don't force it. I do have one last comment though. When I was in college I dated this one guy for only a few weeks. He was truly one of the most unattractive men I have ever met. But I still think about him on occasion to this day. He'd always ask me "penny for your thoughts", I was only 18 at the time so I didn't fully appreciate him, after all of these years I believe he was the nicest and kindest man I ever met. At the time I was so unattracted to him I could not even imagine kissing him so I put him in the "friend" zone, but I bet he made someone a really good husband.

 

[jnicole]

This is an excellent point. I have always been very attracted to my dh from the first time I saw him. So even when I want to wring his neck a part of me still wants to him. I have to be really really mad for that feeling to go away. I had a friend who married a "nice" guy who she was not attracted to and I noticed that when things went bad they went bad really quickly.

This is exactly how I felt about my ex.



Hopefully that is it. If not, don't force it. I do have one last comment though. When I was in college I dated this one guy for only a few weeks. He was truly one of the most unattractive men I have ever met. But I still think about him on occasion to this day. He'd always ask me "penny for your thoughts", I was only 18 at the time so I didn't fully appreciate him, after all of these years I believe he was the nicest and kindest man I ever met. At the time I was so unattracted to him I could not even imagine kissing him so I put him in the "friend" zone, but I bet he made someone a really good husband.

I don't want to give up too quickly because it is still in the early stages. I haven't slept with him so I don't know if he's bad in bed, but the stuff leading to that point was horrible. I feel bad because it makes me think about my ex and how we had such a strong physical connection.

 

[hopeful]

I don't want to give up too quickly because it is still in the early stages. I haven't slept with him so I don't know if he's bad in bed, but the stuff leading to that point was horrible. I feel bad because it makes me think about my ex and how we had such a strong physical connection.

Just move really slowly then and see how things go. And be honest with him. Tell him right away if he is hurting you or doing something that feels weird. Just say it straight out then say would you mind doing this instead? I bet he really wants to please you.

 

[dplyrooted]

Yes I thought my husband was attractive when I first met him.
We didn't have sex for like 6 mos though, by that time I had already fallen in love with him so everything was perfect in the bedroom.

 

[harrison]

Ladies,

When you met your SO did you have a physical attraction to him from the very start? Did he do everything right in the bedroom? I'm dating a guy whom I enjoy talking to and spending time with but I'm not physically attracted to him. I can see us being friends but I don't know if I want it to go further. He's not really ugly, just not who I would've chosen for myself. I don't know if I see myself being intimate with him. He's talking marriage and having a life together. He's also not very smooth in his approach to intimacy. One night we were "making out" (for lack of a better term) and he was so rough, biting, and grabbing and licking . It was so gross and I was so turned off. I literally felt like I had been in a fight the next day. I thought to myself I could never sleep with this man. I suggested we stop and just watch a movie. Should I try to teach him? He's kind of been growing on me emotionally. He's very attentative and continuously tells me he wants things to work out and he wants to make my happy. I'm waiting to feel that spark. What do you ladies think?

-
I was not physically attracted to DH initially either. But after months, 6 to be exact, of talking EVERYDAY and hanging out on weekends, I started to take him seriously. We had intimacy before sex came into the pic. Can you follow that concept?
But you will have to make that decision. I'm glad that I didn't let that glitch stop our flow. I know exactly what you mean though. But when we finally got to that point, it was fun learning how to make each other happy.

 

[Naturelle]

You can always teacha nd you would be surprised by some of them who are waiting to learn...

Let him know how you feel, what you want what you enjoy what he can enjoy....if you don't want to come across as too blunt...intorduce new tricks techniques...tell him " I really enjoy when I'm, licked like this....(whatever your it is you want him to lick)" and show him on his body so he can feel the sensation and get an idea

Don't write him off cause his bedroom skills may be lacking, try to show him and let him know what you need to be pleased and also show him what you can offer in return...

If after awhile it seems like it's pointless or he's not willing to try....kick him to the curb and be out!!!!

If the sex aint on point in a marriage/relationship....the likelihood of it succeeding is very unlikely.

IMO - my $0.02.

ETA - I was physically attracted to him...but part of what enhanced that was his personality, his demeanor...he is just one of those "IT" guys around....he just has "IT"

 

[Xerxes]

Ladies,

When you met your SO did you have a physical attraction to him from the very start? Did he do everything right in the bedroom? I'm dating a guy whom I enjoy talking to and spending time with but I'm not physically attracted to him. I can see us being friends but I don't know if I want it to go further. He's not really ugly, just not who I would've chosen for myself. I don't know if I see myself being intimate with him. He's talking marriage and having a life together. He's also not very smooth in his approach to intimacy. One night we were "making out" (for lack of a better term) and he was so rough, biting, and grabbing and licking . It was so gross and I was so turned off. I literally felt like I had been in a fight the next day. I thought to myself I could never sleep with this man. I suggested we stop and just watch a movie. Should I try to teach him? He's kind of been growing on me emotionally. He's very attentative and continuously tells me he wants things to work out and he wants to make my happy. I'm waiting to feel that spark. What do you ladies think?

Don't do it girl! You can do bad or mediocre on your own. If he isn't what you want in a date, get another guy who you are attracted to. Think about it, is he the only man you can attract?

We don't ever have to settle because the more time you spend with this guy, the better he will look to you and by the time you wake up, you might even have some not quite ugly children too! LMAO

I have a guy who wants me who is just like your guy. He's not ugly but I'm not attracted to him at all. I only hang out with him because we are the only 2 blacks in my department at our level, so he makes great company. I just could not see him ever being anything important. Hugging him requires effort, so there's no way I could imagine making out with him.

I'd rather go dateless than give in to starting a relationship with him or any other unattractive man. Being alone is not punishment, it's a sign that you know your own worth and are not giving into societal pressure to mate and date. I truly enjoy my own company and I don't need a man for validation. You should say this to yourself or at least decide if you can live happily alone and single.

Why settle for mediocre company when you are absolutely fabulous in and of yourself? Do you like his kissing/biting sessions? Why did you even let him touch you?

I'm honest with men I don't like and even try to point out other girls who would be better options for them.

Shoot, I'm a girl and I meet several men each day who could be The One and each time that I talk with them and we start engaging in flirtatious conversations, I mentally weigh my options (i.e. Can I do better than him?). If I feel that he has drawbacks and might waste my time, I just keep them on my radar and focus on my own personal goals for my life.

After one bad date with an Internet guy who was cute and had a great sense of humor but was crazy as he**, I am completely intolerant of wasting my time on men that I know aren't right for me. I'm looking for husband material and I will only seriously date men who fit my criteria (i.e. got bank, love Jesus and are attractive).

Otherwise, I will hang out with harmless men who I have placed into the platonic friendzone. "Hanging out" to me is like a date without dessert-- no making out, no touching. So you need to decide how valuable your time is and what you are looking for because I am afraid you might be wasting time with this current dude. And forgive me for venting a bit. Your thread made me think about my own dating practices and I am so happy that I didn't follow my sister's advice and give my unattractive guy friend a "chance" and seriously date him to see if he grows on me like fungus.

 

[Xerxes]

You can always teacha nd you would be surprised by some of them who are waiting to learn...

Let him know how you feel, what you want what you enjoy what he can enjoy....if you don't want to come across as too blunt...intorduce new tricks techniques...tell him " I really enjoy when I'm, licked like this....(whatever your it is you want him to lick)" and show him on his body so he can feel the sensation and get an idea

Don't write him off cause his bedroom skills may be lacking, try to show him and let him know what you need to be pleased and also show him what you can offer in return...

If after awhile it seems like it's pointless or he's not willing to try....kick him to the curb and be out!!!!

If the sex aint on point in a marriage/relationship....the likelihood of it succeeding is very unlikely.

IMO - my $0.02.

ETA - I was physically attracted to him...but part of what enhanced that was his personality, his demeanor...he is just one of those "IT" guys around....he just has "IT"

I call this the "David Alan Grier" effect. Remember his character in "Boomerang"? He liked Halle Berry's character and he was the "good" guy but just not cute or really ugly. He was mediocre, average, not worth noticing and Halle's character went out with him but couldn't deny she felt nothing for him. However, his character ended up alone and her character ended up with the cute lead, Eddie Murphy's character and everyone was happy, except for David. lol


So I'm really happy that your guy worked out, but don't you think that attraction is key? Otherwise aren't you a bit more likely to cheat on your spouse if you never found him attractive to begin with?

 

[angenoir]

If you're not feeling that "fiyah" for him, then you need to move him to the friend zone. Trust me on this...I married a good man who I did not feel that "fiyah" for thinking that the heat would come, but it hasn't.

Swirl... If you dont mind my asking, the heat hasnt come but you stayed on? Are you happy?

 

[Naturallong81]

if he doent turn you on or your not into him you need to end it. your just bockin yourself and him from find true companionship. if you get married you just gonna wake up 10 years from now mad and biiter talking **** about he robed your youth. You should never have to sike yourself up to be with a man. it wont work trust me.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

OMG I had this exact problem!!! The guy is now one of my good friends, but back in the beginning when I first met him I thought I could give him a chance even though physically he wasn't my type. But we ARE NOT compatible in the bedroom. I hate the way he kisses. Way to sloppery. I like kisses to be more lip than tongue. And he's other skills are lacking too. It's sad because he treats me like a queen and is super sweet, but I just cannot teach a man. Maybe other women have the time and the patience to teach a man, however, I do not. The one guy I was physically compatiable with from day one was a total a$$hole. So even though he was AMAZING in bed doesn't make up for treating me bad. It's so hard to find a man who has it all.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

I call this the "David Alan Grier" effect. Remember his character in "Boomerang"? He liked Halle Berry's character and he was the "good" guy but just not cute or really ugly. He was mediocre, average, not worth noticing and Halle's character went out with him but couldn't deny she felt nothing for him. However, his character ended up alone and her character ended up with the cute lead, Eddie Murphy's character and everyone was happy, except for David. lol


So I'm really happy that your guy worked out, but don't you think that attraction is key? Otherwise aren't you a bit more likely to cheat on your spouse if you never found him attractive to begin with?

PPSSSH I aint see cute in Eddie. I must have missed that. Eddie's character just had swagga for days.

 

[jnicole]

Don't do it girl! You can do bad or mediocre on your own. If he isn't what you want in a date, get another guy who you are attracted to. Think about it, is he the only man you can attract?

We don't ever have to settle because the more time you spend with this guy, the better he will look to you and by the time you wake up, you might even have some not quite ugly children too! LMAO

I have a guy who wants me who is just like your guy. He's not ugly but I'm not attracted to him at all. I only hang out with him because we are the only 2 blacks in my department at our level, so he makes great company. I just could not see him ever being anything important. Hugging him requires effort, so there's no way I could imagine making out with him.

I'd rather go dateless than give in to starting a relationship with him or any other unattractive man. Being alone is not punishment, it's a sign that you know your own worth and are not giving into societal pressure to mate and date. I truly enjoy my own company and I don't need a man for validation. You should say this to yourself or at least decide if you can live happily alone and single.

Why settle for mediocre company when you are absolutely fabulous in and of yourself? Do you like his kissing/biting sessions? Why did you even let him touch you?

I'm honest with men I don't like and even try to point out other girls who would be better options for them.

Shoot, I'm a girl and I meet several men each day who could be The One and each time that I talk with them and we start engaging in flirtatious conversations, I mentally weigh my options (i.e. Can I do better than him?). If I feel that he has drawbacks and might waste my time, I just keep them on my radar and focus on my own personal goals for my life.

After one bad date with an Internet guy who was cute and had a great sense of humor but was crazy as he**, I am completely intolerant of wasting my time on men that I know aren't right for me. I'm looking for husband material and I will only seriously date men who fit my criteria (i.e. got bank, love Jesus and are attractive).

Otherwise, I will hang out with harmless men who I have placed into the platonic friendzone. "Hanging out" to me is like a date without dessert-- no making out, no touching. So you need to decide how valuable your time is and what you are looking for because I am afraid you might be wasting time with this current dude. And forgive me for venting a bit. Your thread made me think about my own dating practices and I am so happy that I didn't follow my sister's advice and give my unattractive guy friend a "chance" and seriously date him to see if he grows on me like fungus.

Girl, you are truly no nonsense!

 

[jnicole]

OMG I had this exact problem!!! The guy is now one of my good friends, but back in the beginning when I first met him I thought I could give him a chance even though physically he wasn't my type. But we ARE NOT compatible in the bedroom. I hate the way he kisses. Way to sloppery. I like kisses to be more lip than tongue. And he's other skills are lacking too. It's sad because he treats me like a queen and is super sweet, but I just cannot teach a man. Maybe other women have the time and the patience to teach a man, however, I do not. The one guy I was physically compatiable with from day one was a total a$$hole. So even though he was AMAZING in bed doesn't make up for treating me bad. It's so hard to find a man who has it all.[/quote]

This is so true. My ex was so good in bed but we clashed personality wise and emotionally. I wish I could have my ex's sex appeal and this guys personality. That would be yummy!!