Were you able to get closure with the person who broke your heart?

[longhairlover]

I am happily married now, but I find myself having dreams about my first love/my first. No not dreams that i'm in love but dreams that I was able to get closure, years ago when I last saw him I tried to get the reason, the why's etc. But he just refused to be truthful. I feel like that part of my life is still haunting me.
My mother was going nuts at the time because my grandmother had died, she destroyed her marriage with a younger man, just turmoil around me. I used his house to stay at to hide from what was going on in my life. I was 18,19 at the time. Things were just bad at that time, and if my mother hadn't lost it temporarily I would have never dealt with him, but his house moreso than him was a crutch to get away.

I have been dissed other times when I was younger but this was my first love etc. and I never got that closer.

To the ladies out there, were you able to get that closer from your first love? or the person who hurt you?

I know I need to move on and I have but these haunting dreams that I have make me feel like i need closure. Or maybe something has happened to him....who knows.

Now I don't miss him, i'm actually happy that I now have a wonderful man who is not out to harm me, I just needed to get this off of my chest.

 

[tiara76]

I broke my first love's heart and we didn't really get any closure, I tried and cried and he was just too hurt and asked me to stop trying to reach him.....

I had dreams of him all the time, and when he got married I had dreams of him and his wife, I knew her as well and it was always him reaching out to me, her crying and me trying to comfort both of them....for 7 years he refused to talk to me, then when he finally did he said he still had unresolved feelings and he wasn't able to talk to me just yet....a year later we talked again and he finally said he forgives me and wants to let go of everything......I stilll had the dreams for a lil while after that, so I communicated once more and he said he really has closure and I haven't had the dreams since then.....the last one was about a year ago or so.....

I think closure is necessary because as long as one or both people still have lingering issues with another they have yet to completely shut the door on one experience and let it go...it has nothing to do with wanting to get back with the person necessarily, just to forgive and let go of emotions, pains, hurts, etc that serve your well being no good

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I made my own closure...couldnt rely on him for it.

 

[indigodiva]

I made my own closure...couldnt rely on him for it.

Me too...I had dreams also. I think that's the brains way of trying to make sense of things. My dreams would entail me demanding answers from him, but I would never get anything out of him. (This was when the break-up was fresh)

But now I realize that my closure came in the realization that I would have been even more miserable than I was at that time if I continued that relationship, and I'm lucky to have gotten away from that mess of a person.

 

[vivEz daNs lamouR]

Yes. I've had quite a few break my heart, but for the most part, they came back into my life in some way, shape, or form, and apologized profusely along with explaining why they did what they did.

For some others, I never got the closure but did it on my own.

And for the ones who's hearts I've broken, I explained why I was breaking up with them from jump, so they really had no reason to feel unsettled.

 

[Lady Esquire]

My hs sweetheart broke my heart. He came back years later when I was DH and eight months pregnant. He went to one of my best friends' house, asked her for my number, called, and told me he would take care of me and my upcoming baby. I politely told him, thanks but no thanks. We shot the sh!t for a few minutes after that, catching up on mutual friends, and that was my closure.

 

[Caramela]

I'm not sure I completely accept the concept of closure ... I tend to believe that love is such a strong emotion that if you ever truly loved a person, you will always love that person (you might have to accept you can't be with them - but the love will always be there.) I will always love my first love and that's not something I will ever try to get over.

 

[NYAmicas]

We broke with each other on bad terms but I always missed his friendship. I thought about him a lot, still do from time to time but remind myself that he had plenty of time to reach out. It took him about a year and by that time I met DH so it was too late for him.

 

[tiara76]

I'm not sure I completely accept the concept of closure ... I tend to believe that love is such a strong emotion that if you ever truly loved a person, you will always love that person (you might have to accept you can't be with them - but the love will always be there.) I will always love my first love and that's not something I will ever try to get over.

I think that would depend on what closure means to different people.....I have never stopped loving anybody I have ever loved even if our lives went different paths....and still its letting go and appreciating the experience you shared with somebody and make it able so that you both can go on to experience other things if it so happens your life paths aren't aligned to experience together

People who need closure can tend to still holding on to something thats inhibiting them from completely moving forward, even if they know its over and already have other things going on and it doesn't necessarily mean they want to go backwards or rekindle anything, and its usually on relationships where all communication is lost or communication is refused by one party or the other

with my first love, my love is still strong as ever...for the 7 years he cut me off I was only hurting because I knew he was hurting....I knew his wife was hurting because there was a part of him she didn't have because even though he was holding onto the hurt, he was still holding onto me..and she knew it, his family and friends knew it and I knew it....I don't think it was so much he wanted to get back together but I do know that he wouldn't be able to be free of me until he got his closure and understanding of us

 

[MizAvalon]

No, not really. I finally got an apology years later but I still never got the whole truth about the breakup.

Ancient history though, I'm onto bigger and better things.

 

[longhairlover]

thanks ladies, mizavalon your right about going on to bigger and better things, I have enjoyed my relationship with my husband dearly, I don't know why the heck these things pop into my head, i need to snap out of it and move on, I bet he has moved on with his triflent life and probably doesn't even think about his first and how he did me wrong.

I hate that I am soooo freaking sensitive with things, I have had other dudes do me wrong and I could care less about them. Maybe it's just the whole he was my first crap and other stuff I was going through at that time that I always think back to that part in my life.

I need to look forward because constantly looking back causes me to be mad and start ish with my hubby.

I have a nice life now, and that guy was really a bum, I'll ask God to take him out of my memory.

Thanks ladies for your comments, they all brought me back to reality that these things happen and it's up to me to move on and enjoy the great man that God has blessed me with.

 

[Theo]

Nope. That bloody bastard.

 

[gymfreak336]

Yeah. I still have love for my ex but I am not in love with him. It wasn't until much later after we had broken up that he tried to reach back out to me and I finally saw him for the lame he really was. We were both young and made dumb mistakes but I just came to the point where I realized that if I went back, I would always be stuck in a relationship where I would be putting in 150% and getting out 40%. He has a lot of growing up to do and I hope he finds a woman that can help him do that. It just won't be me.

 

[CarLiTa]

Yes, worked on a lot of the closure myself, then he came back and i wanted to know the Why's... unfortunately, a lot of the reasons broke me/hurt me even worse. Made me doubt even the things that I hadn't thought to forgive him about.

I've forgiven, because I just don't have the energy to be focusing on him (waste of time) and I just don't care enough.


Unfortunately I have turned some of the blame on myself and become too cautious
I try to control situations a little too much, and can't be emotionally free.

Now i'm working on getting full closure with myself, realizing that I was just young and it doesn't mean that I am stupid for having dealt with a lot of this crap. Watching out for myself doesn't have to mean shutting myself off to a lot of people.

I want to regain a lot of the innocence, the carefree spirit, and all the laughter I lost during the ordeal. I'm too young for this.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Closure....Man I learned over the years that I don't need any closure unless it means closing that door behind me and opening a new one. "Closure" ends up with me back talking to the guy....I just erase replace and embrace new face now. It's 2009 time for changes lool

 

[taj]

I think that would depend on what closure means to different people.....I have never stopped loving anybody I have ever loved even if our lives went different paths....and still its letting go and appreciating the experience you shared with somebody and make it able so that you both can go on to experience other things if it so happens your life paths aren't aligned to experience together

People who need closure can tend to still holding on to something thats inhibiting them from completely moving forward, even if they know its over and already have other things going on and it doesn't necessarily mean they want to go backwards or rekindle anything, and its usually on relationships where all communication is lost or communication is refused by one party or the other

with my first love, my love is still strong as ever...for the 7 years he cut me off I was only hurting because I knew he was hurting....I knew his wife was hurting because there was a part of him she didn't have because even though he was holding onto the hurt, he was still holding onto me..and she knew it, his family and friends knew it and I knew it....I don't think it was so much he wanted to get back together but I do know that he wouldn't be able to be free of me until he got his closure and understanding of us

Well stated and I totally agree!!

 

[ryanshope]

This is post is ironic---this is a situation i am dealing with right now...I got closure for myself from this guy that I hurt. He is still sore so he is a jerk about it. I miss the times we shared; but at the end of the day I apologized and that is all I can do--I let him know that I am here whenever he is ready to talk but no turning back.

 

[Vinyl]

I ended up getting closure with my ex, but I don't know if it was worth it. He admitted to me that the reason he pretended to hate me was because he was hurting and wanted to push me away. Then he told me the reason he wasn't more cooperative about moving in together was because of his pride; he told me he knew he'd made the wrong decision but didn't want to backpeddle because his pride was hurt, so he just pretended he thought his decision was right.

He told me this hoping to get back with me; once I told him that couldn't happen he started treating me coldly again. At that point I knew it was just to protect himself though, so while it still hurt I knew the "why" and it wasn't a question mark like it was before.

The reason I say I'm not sure it was worth it is because I ended up hurting him by rejecting him. It makes me wonder if he really was pretending or if he truly dislikes me now for breaking his heart.

 

[sylver2]

i learned the hard way tht closure with him is overated. Its within me.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

I made my own closure...couldnt rely on him for it.

You SOOO hit the nail on the head. I just went through the same thing recently. I cut all communications with this man, etc. I was so hurt. I was hurt to the point of feeling numb. The numbness went away, but then the hurt settled in like vinegar on an open wound.

9 months passed. Like an idiot, I called him. I wanted some type of closure but didn't know how to go about doing it. He had something of mines that I wanted back. I really didn't want it back, but I wanted to see him....as BillsBackerz mentioned, I had to get my own closure. We met up over his place, and he was glad to see me, we hugged, talked, but I never touched on the issue. We spoke several times over the phone, and a part of me was fooling myself because I was trying to convince myself that we could be friends. Well, lightening struck twice. Once during one of our conversations, it hit me that I didn't need or want him anymore. The confirmation came during the next conversation we had and that was it for me. Nothing was said out of place, etc., but I dummied up and it dawned on me that he was not it and that I shouldn't put myself through the situation again.

Now, today, I have the closure I need without him having to say a word. Even as I type this, I'm thinking to my self...I was way too good for him. Still am. Saw him recently, and realize that I ain't missin nuffin!

In short, a lot of times, it is not about getting closure from him, for he has already "closed" the relationship, moved on, or whatever. It has to come from you...from within. Because see, when you get it from him, he may say things that you do not want to hear that may hurt you even more. Why go through that. It's not worth it. Let the sleeping dog lie and move on.

You are more important and to good in terms of trying to figure him out. Should always be the other way around.

The only other closure piece I want to know about is this weave I think imma get next month....don't want any hairs exposed....

 

[MzLady78]

i learned the hard way tht closure with him is overated. Its within me.

I agree.

I wanted a detailed explanation from this last guy so badly, I was making myself look like a fool trying to get it.

It finally hit me that the who, what, where, why and how didn't matter. He walked away for one reason and one reason only- because he didn't want me.

So I told myself it was time to let it go and close this chapter of my life.

 

[it_comes_naturally]

No, not really. I finally got an apology years later but I still never got the whole truth about the breakup.

Ancient history though, I'm onto bigger and better things.

Me, too. 6 years and a marriage later. He still tried to get me back knowing that I'm married and that he still won't be totally honest about his cheating ways.

He did tell me that he got married and after about 2 months, she told him she didn't want to be married anymore. She wanted the single life back. Payback is something else, lol

 

[lynndiallo]

I agree.

I wanted a detailed explanation from this last guy so badly, I was making myself look like a fool trying to get it.

It finally hit me that the who, what, where, why and how didn't matter. He walked away for one reason and one reason only- because he didn't want me.

So I told myself it was time to let it go and close this chapter of my life.

You are so so right! Why do you need closure from someone who HURT you? Maybe I would say that I need closure with someone that I HURT, if I feel guilty and would like to apologize. But if the guy hurt you and left you, then there is nothing he say to change that. It is what it is no matter what his reasoning was and you cannot change the past. You to just move on and you want to forgive him...you can do that on your own. Forgiveness does not mean the next person has to hear it.
IDK...I may be wrong.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

erm the guy who brok emy heart wasnt my first love and i didnt get closure from him but now bout 3 yrs later it doesnt matter anymore i got over him, i mean it would have been good to get closure but sometimes you have to do it on your own and i did and its all behind me now, i wouldnt even want him to come back and tell me reasons to why he was a jerk its ancient history

 

[SunySydeofLyfe]

I never want anyone to give me 'closure' I have always felt my thoughts are my own and I dont need someone to tell me what I want to hear or just plain lie, IMHO you never know for certain what anothers persons rationalle is and I decided a long time ago....to keep my own sanity (some call it delusional) I decide the reason for a break up and and I have always felt when DD father and I ended that it was his loss and no matter what relationship he got in she would never be me and he would never be happy (smile)...my thoughts are my own and I think what I want to think........and I am always going to feel that it was the other persons loss...I am the best thing since sliced bread!!!