Weird Question: Isn't the Guy supposed to make the frist move

[sunshine91496]

Ok so I've been out with this guy a few times over the last several months, we work in the same company and have become good friends I think. THere was a strong attraction initially, lots of eye contact, playful touching, him making excuses to talk with me or text me, etc. He came over a few times, we had great time, but nothing happened. It's about six months later, and we still hang out most at or after leaving work about 3-4 days a week. Still have great conversation, and all that, he pays for our lunch and drinks at least a few times per month, I made lunch for about a month for the both of us, but that got people talking at the company, so he squelched that one, took me out on my birthday and really is just a solid person in my life. He also does most of the gentleman thing, holding doors, paying for parking (we work in the city), doesn't stare or flirt with other women when he's with me (though he does do the phone thing a lot- but he will usually tell me what it was about when he gets of), has confided a lot of personal details abouthis life and past with me, etc. He did once ask me if I think of him like a girlfirend, I was perplexed of course and told him no, apologized if he thought so, and I guess, I started trying more without trying to make sure he knew I was interested.

All this to say, is that we did have some "close" moments in the past, but I always just figured it was best to let the guy make the move. I've never really made a move on a guy before. The most I've ever done with this guy is I gave him a massage a couple times, he seemed to enjoy it, but usually something happened to interrupt the moment. Plus I just don't know really how to make a move, I think he would have been cool with it if I did, but I really just wanted him to initiate. I don't know if its because we work in the same company, or if I should just think "he's just that into me" My cousin who is a single guy said, he probably could be interested, but just sees me as wife material, and he still wants to play around. In one sense I can understand this because I don't sleep around, its not that I am opposed to it per se, just that I really need to feel something happening before I go to that level, but I still think he would try something.

Anyway like I said its been six months and now where in this sort of limbo.. we still do the same stuff every week. I understand if he just wants to be friends, but unless he's stupid, and he's not, he's got to know that I like him.. I just don't get it. I do like this person as a friend and we could be BFFs, but how do I bring this up, or do I just become unavailable. I'm sorry for the silly questions, but I just don't know what to do.

 

[LovinLocks]

Honey, wooo chile. As one who has been where you are, as one who has made a myriad of mistakes in this area (and has learned from them), as one who has read, "He's Just Not That Into You!" . . . .

You are correct in allowing him to take the lead (not condoning fornication as I have also learned WHY it's not good for you nor for the other person, i.e., "encroaching upon the rights of others to approach God with a clean conscience"). However, I did want to speak to the woman's role and how I have found out (the hard way) details about just WHY this man/woman dynamic is to be carried out and in a way that leaves YOU, the woman, with her self-respect and self-esteem in-tact.

Just food for thought, lil sis, from your big sister who has nothing but love for womanhood and wants to see "us" raise the bar, raise the bar of self-respect.

 

[sunshine91496]

Thanks for the advice, but I probably should clarify a bit. There has really been no intimacy (e.g., kissing etc.) let alone full on fornication...lol..One of my friends, who is white (not sure if that's relavant or not) told me this ship has sailed and move on. Yet one of my older friends (a black woman in her 70s), told me that this guy is actually courting me, he said he's doing it the old-fashioned way. I am all for tradtional, but it would be nice to know if he wants to be just friends or something else. I guess I am too chicken to ask outright. But thanks again LovinLocks for the affirmation, I'll keep waiting and see where he goes with this..

 

[itismehmmkay]

Hmmm...six months??

I'd pull back a bit. Don't see him this weekend or whenever ya'll usually get together. If he seems to step it up a bit, just hold it there and see what he does. If he doesn't, pull back even more to get your thoughts and feelings together before things get messy.

 

[scorpio70]

it looks like you're saying that you guys only hang out at or after work a few times a week. did i read that right? if so, this guy either has a wife or a serious girlfriend. the fact that he hasn't made a move physically indicates to me a conflict with his availability. one of the rules about courting is that it has to be discussed and agreed upon up front. a man isn't going to be your boyfriend without a conversation, but unfortunately some women put themselves in the girlfriend role before they are asked. so, i agree with the poster that suggested being less available. he needs to either step up and initiate a conversation with you about his intentions (he needs to initiate this) and you need to stop letting him hog up so much of your time without that discussion.

 

[scorpio70]

getting rid of double post.

 

[hopeful]

I think I would fall back just a bit too. The relationship sounds strange to me. After 6 months he has not shown you if he likes you likes you? The two of you have not discussed whether you have boyfriends/girlfriends, etc. I am really confused. But for sure, I would not make the first move.

 

[Bunny77]

You know, I agree with your single guy friend and your white friend... and sad to say, some of the worst relationship advice I've gotten recently has been from older black women... usually because they've been out of the game so long that they don't know what these men are doing nowadays!

This situation is really not about you. You may indeed be wife material and your friend knows it but HE'S not ready for something serious. I have been in this situation TOO MANY TIMES... a man is courting me, taking me out, saying I'd make a great girlfriend but it never goes anywhere...

Why is that? Because for whatever reason, HE doesn't want it to, but he likes the idea of having a pseudo-girlfriend without having to truly go all the way into the relationship zone.

In one case with me, the guy was recently divorced and didn't want to be serious with ANYONE. In another case, well, uh, same thing (which is why I now avoid most divorced men like the plague). Another guy was very nice and flirtatious, but he never made a move and I found out he had a girlfriend.

If a man was really trying to court you, he would make his intentions clear and say that he wanted to be your man. In the cases where I've ended up in a real relationship, the man has ALWAYS brought up the conversation and stated my intentions without me even having to ask.

So my advice is to be less available and stop acting in girlfriendish ways (no close moments, no playful touching, no regular dates). Don't tell him "why" you've changed... just do it. And then if HE decides he misses all of that, HE can step up to the plate and make an honest girlfriend out of you.

But no matter what you do, do NOT make a move on him!!!

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

Ok so I've been out with this guy a few times over the last several months, we work in the same company and have become good friends I think. THere was a strong attraction initially, lots of eye contact, playful touching, him making excuses to talk with me or text me, etc. He came over a few times, we had great time, but nothing happened. It's about six months later, and we still hang out most at or after leaving work about 3-4 days a week. Still have great conversation, and all that, he pays for our lunch and drinks at least a few times per month, I made lunch for about a month for the both of us, but that got people talking at the company, so he squelched that one, took me out on my birthday and really is just a solid person in my life. He also does most of the gentleman thing, holding doors, paying for parking (we work in the city), doesn't stare or flirt with other women when he's with me (though he does do the phone thing a lot- but he will usually tell me what it was about when he gets of), has confided a lot of personal details abouthis life and past with me, etc. He did once ask me if I think of him like a girlfirend, I was perplexed of course and told him no, apologized if he thought so, and I guess, I started trying more without trying to make sure he knew I was interested.

All this to say, is that we did have some "close" moments in the past, but I always just figured it was best to let the guy make the move. I've never really made a move on a guy before. The most I've ever done with this guy is I gave him a massage a couple times, he seemed to enjoy it, but usually something happened to interrupt the moment. Plus I just don't know really how to make a move, I think he would have been cool with it if I did, but I really just wanted him to initiate. I don't know if its because we work in the same company, or if I should just think "he's just that into me" My cousin who is a single guy said, he probably could be interested, but just sees me as wife material, and he still wants to play around. In one sense I can understand this because I don't sleep around, its not that I am opposed to it per se, just that I really need to feel something happening before I go to that level, but I still think he would try something.

Anyway like I said its been six months and now where in this sort of limbo.. we still do the same stuff every week. I understand if he just wants to be friends, but unless he's stupid, and he's not, he's got to know that I like him.. I just don't get it. I do like this person as a friend and we could be BFFs, but how do I bring this up, or do I just become unavailable. I'm sorry for the silly questions, but I just don't know what to do.

I think the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is a MUST HAVE for ALL women. My feeling is that if a guy is interested than nothing, and I mean NOTHING, will prevent him from trying to start a relationship. Also if what your cousin said is actually true, why would ANY female want to waste her time and energy on some trifling SOB that "still wants to play around?????" If this is his real attitude then f**k him and find yourself a mature, intelligent man that recognizes a good thing when he sees it!

 

[sunshine91496]

New wrinkles kind of:

1) one of our other co-workers (female) blatantly brought up our "close" relationship about how we disappear every day for lunch or after work etc. and why do we do everything in secret because everyone knows we go out everyday... I guess she was trying to figure out if there was something going on between us.. I was so shocked to be called out in front of so many people, so I just sat there with this deer in headlights look..apparently she says stuff all the time ( I had suspected but was never sure) its just that this time she yelled it from the mountaintop... he was pretty much laughing with everyone else most of the time, but watching me also . I guess to see my reaction, he and try to change the conversation back to her. It was very weird, because the next day I wanted to bring it up, but I chickend out.. (sigh).. but he actually was more attentive than usual.

2) we are going out for his birthday next week, my treat (he took me out for my birthday,etc.). I picked this cool lounge place, kind of pricey, but its the place to go right now.. I figure this will be the break it or make it deal for me not because I am paying for dinner and expect him to do anything differently, but its an opportunity for us to be alone in person, not for a limited time (i.e., not just over are lunches or breaks) but to really relax and talk. I'm thinking I should just bring up my feelings and see what he does or says. .. it may be embarassing, but at least I will know and if he's not interested, or if he's seeing someone I can move on knowing. What do you ladies think. Oh and yes I did read the rules thread, but I already invited him out... not sure how the rules would work in that situation.

 

[CurliDiva]

Sorry but he sounds GAY to me, and not because of the typical "if he isn't trying to f**k you then he's gay" mindset.

I have gay friends and the best way I can describe it is that they do like being around "female energy".

My gay friends are very "gentlemanly" towards me - hold doors, pay for meals, etc. I’m actually safe for them to be “manly” around if that makes sense.

I've so been around 'down low' men and witness their excuses for just going with the flow regarding the women in their lives.

Every story I heard the woman was the "aggressor" - they would have been fine with staying platonic.

One guy said that he picked a church girl (for appearance sake) because he thought she would not want to have sex until after marriage, and now she is pressuring HIM to sleep with her.

The clincher was when he asked if you viewed him as a "girlfriend" - IMO this expression would never come out of a straight guy’s mouth.

He may be GAY or BI and is now afraid to come out to you because he senses that you have feelings for him.

Also, the fact that you work together complicates things more - he may be afraid that you will "out" him at the job!


You may also want to bring up your feelings on "down low" men and that you would respect a man for being honest.

Even a shy dude is not that SHY (6 months) when it comes to sex!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Seems like you are overanalyzing EVERYTHING. Go read my thread about my experience with my study partner. If he was wanting to take things to the next step he would have brought it up by now. Why should you be the one to put your feelings out there and set yourself up for disappointment? He's a man, he should take charge.

Wouldn't you rather be with someone who was so into you that he just had to make you his so that no other guy would sneak in and snatch you up? I've had this experience too many times, where a guy would take me out, hug me, kiss me, call me baby names, etc...but never ask me out. Lo and behold he would soon start dating another chick and be chasing her all around town.

If you feel like you can handle whatever revelations he has about his feelings for you, then by all means get it off you chest if it'll make you feel better. But if a relationship does come of it, you'll have to live with the fact that YOU had to make it happen ultimately. He's had ample opportunity to ask you out.

 

[SpyCats]

Since you already asked him out I say go ahead and have a good time. HOWEVER, DO NOT HAVE THE DISCUSSION THAT YOU ARE PLANNING. He should pour out his feelings to you...not the other way around. Believe me, if he was interested YOU WOULD KNOW!

 

[Kiki82]

Since you already asked him out I say go ahead and have a good time. HOWEVER, DO NOT HAVE THE DISCUSSION THAT YOU ARE PLANNING. He should pour out his feelings to you...not the other way around. Believe me, if he was interested YOU WOULD KNOW!

I agree with this. It may be hard to do, but trust me don't say it....

 

[Cincysweetie]

I agree...don't even bring it up!

I also am a little suspect about his sexuality...that line about "girlfriend" raised red flags for me too.

 

[BlueNile]

Sorry but he sounds GAY to me, and not because of the typical "if he isn't trying to f**k you then he's gay" mindset.

I have gay friends and the best way I can describe it is that they do like being around "female energy".

My gay friends are very "gentlemanly" towards me - hold doors, pay for meals, etc. I’m actually safe for them to be “manly” around if that makes sense.

I've so been around 'down low' men and witness their excuses for just going with the flow regarding the women in their lives.

Every story I heard the woman was the "aggressor" - they would have been fine with staying platonic.

One guy said that he picked a church girl (for appearance sake) because he thought she would not want to have sex until after marriage, and now she is pressuring HIM to sleep with her.

The clincher was when he asked if you viewed him as a "girlfriend" - IMO this expression would never come out of a straight guy’s mouth.

He may be GAY or BI and is now afraid to come out to you because he senses that you have feelings for him.

Also, the fact that you work together complicates things more - he may be afraid that you will "out" him at the job!


You may also want to bring up your feelings on "down low" men and that you would respect a man for being honest.

Even a shy dude is not that SHY (6 months) when it comes to sex!

Phew. I'm so glad you said exactly what I was thinking.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Any Updates?

 

[Cincysweetie]

Bumping.....

 

[neyhla]

girl I think that im experiencing the same thing with a collaegue... : he often talks about me with other close colleagues like he wants to know more about me (he is a new employee)... recently we were both invited in a party but we didn't even have time to dance together ...and the next morning a (close) colleague told me: M. said that he was disgusted cause he didn't even dance with you....alos, we take the habit to chat together by mail when we are at work(our offices aren't too close, he is upstairs...) ..everyday we chat like teaneger on msn lol and when it happens that he doesn't have any news of me ...he calls to see if im at work.and if im ok..But in fact when im trying "to push" him a little just to encourage him to make the first move(by first move i mean a rendez vous, a kiss or a declaration) he reacts like there is something, i mean like he only wants us to be just friends. but I it's been 3 months and still nothing .....But girl you can't even imagine how i wanna him to make this first move...I dream of it at night but i also wondering if the something that makes him hesitat...isnt a woman !