We Found Love In A Hopeless Place

justicefighter1913 said:
Same here. The last relationship that I was in was intense. The relationship wasn't exactly like the video (no drug use), but I never thought that I'd find myself in a relationship like that at all. I was young and completely in love...totally unequally yoked...and blind. When we broke up the first time, I thought that I was going to die...seriously. My body ached, I didn't want to sleep...nothing. Got over that break up by getting back together again. The whole relationship was a vicious cycle.

I knew the relationship wasn't right in the beginning, but I had no idea that it would continue for so long. I honestly think that I just didn't have much self-esteem...kind of ironic b/c few people would've ever thunk it. I finally ended up moving from OH to TX and cutting off all communication...although he tries to contact me via text messages.

I don't ever want to be involved in anything like that ever again in my life...and I won't. I know my worth. Thank God he got me outta that mess.
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@justicefighter1913 I'm very glad you're out of that situation.

The bolded is very similar to what I experienced but I didn't want to share because I don't see what I experienced as good at all and I don't miss it. It was "intense" but in a bad way. The passion and all that "love" only felt more intense because he was a horrible person. If someone treats you bad and then gives you even the smallest ounce of niceness, it makes that ounce of niceness seem like a pound when reality it's not much at all. The worse he got, the more "intense" the love got. I was just blind to it and when someone has that type of hold over you it makes it so hard to leave (and in my case, sometimes there was fear that kept me from leaving), so I got over the break-ups by getting back together. I also felt crazy but that was part of his manipulation. He felt crazy, each time he realized he could not control me and then he called his actions "love" and "caring too much". It was going to DV support groups and working on my self-esteem that helped push me out of the cycle and know my worth, and while I'm still healing (physically and mentally) I at least know I'm worth more than that and I'm not in denial about what it really was. I don't ever want to experience anything like that again.

And I haven't watched the video so I'm just going based on comments here, so sorry if I missed something. :) I refuse to watch it because I'm still healing and I don't want to be triggered, that's why it took me so long to even post this (I think this thread only had 3 posts the first time I read it) and I left out like 95% of the details.
 
classoohfive: Thank you for sharing your experience. I didn't want to share either, but it's part of the process. ...being thankful that you're out of the situation and resolving to never go back there again. I'm glad that you're on the road to recovery. It can be tough, but the future is ooooh so much brighter.

(((Big Hugs)))
 
@justicefighter1913 @classoohfive

Our stories are very similiar, and I promise I will stay single before go through that hsit again.

@runwaydream, no judgement from me. If your ex is anything like mine, I most definitely understand. When it's good,it's great but when it's bad, it's unbearable.

You know the cycle. Fight, make up, now life is great until the next fight:look: Well after we fought, oh correction his tirade last night, he apologized and had the nerve to say"you will always be mine." I was thoroughly disgusted by his words, so I decided I am through with his arse. He thinks he has a hold on me, but I am going to show him better than I can tell him.




Sent from my HTC Glacier using HTC Glacier
 
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:needhug: my last relationship was catastrophic. i'm surprised that i didn't end up in a mental institution after that. i went to a dark place. i felt like i was going to die, like i wanted to die. the pain i felt was so excruciating and i cried more tears in one night than i did in my previous 22 years of existence (broke up in '09). there were plenty of times where i wish i'd never met him but i know now that that was a lesson i had to learn. love shouldn't hurt or be that damaging.

i watched this video like 10 times in a row when it first premiered. i was like this is insanely beautiful but yet so broken. i didn't even like the song but i do now just because of the video. lol


​
 
justicefighter1913

Thank you for sharing too, because I seriously wasn't going to. :bighug: Things are tough and I have bad days, but those bad days are nothing compared to where I was. You're right, taking is part of the process since it's something we tend to keep completely quiet about when it's going on.

Do_Si_Dos said:
You know the cycle. Fight, make up, now life is great until the next fight:look: Well after we fought, oh correction his tirade last night, he apologized and had the nerve to say"you will always be mine." I was thoroughly disgusted by his words, so I decided I am through with his arse. He thinks he has a hold on me, but I am going to show him better than I can tell him.
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Yes, that's the cycle. Rinse and repeat. :(

I've heard that "You will always be mine" or "You will always be my [nickname]" line sooo many times. At one point I saw it as "love" because I thought he was saying he would always love me and couldn't leave me but eventually I saw it for what it was, "You can leave me but I still own you." During our break-ups that's what it was. Even though I wasn't with him or living with him he went out of his way to control me. I was depressed from the break-up and stressed out dealing with his reaction, so it was just easier to accept his "love" and take him back. I think once the good part of the cycle started happening less and less I was able to see the relationship for what it was and it was no longer that "intense love with bad days". Then I slowly starting pulling myself away from him and once that "You will always be mine" line started to disgust me I was done.

And your last line is pretty spot on for how I thought. I was tired of him controlling me so I took it as a challenge to go be me without him. I could tell him, but I told him before and ended up back with him. Proving him wrong by doing it works so much more. It's only been a few months but I've grown so much. During our relationship his life was going downhill and instead of controlling his life, he tried to control mine and take me down too. He hates that I'm doing better.

:bighug:


complexsimplicity :needhug:

While I would be better off never knowing him, I know what you mean about learning from it. I wouldn't wish this on anyone and there are times I wish I never met him, but I'm trying to take it as something to learn from.
 
classoohfive said:
@justicefighter1913

Thank you for sharing too, because I seriously wasn't going to. :bighug: Things are tough and I have bad days, but those bad days are nothing compared to where I was. You're right, taking is part of the process since it's something we tend to keep completely quiet about when it's going on.



Yes, that's the cycle. Rinse and repeat. :(

I've heard that "You will always be mine" or "You will always be my [nickname]" line sooo many times. At one point I saw it as "love" because I thought he was saying he would always love me and couldn't leave me but eventually I saw it for what it was, "You can leave me but I still own you." During our break-ups that's what it was. Even though I wasn't with him or living with him he went out of his way to control me. I was depressed from the break-up and stressed out dealing with his reaction, so it was just easier to accept his "love" and take him back. I think once the good part of the cycle started happening less and less I was able to see the relationship for what it was and it was no longer that "intense love with bad days". Then I slowly starting pulling myself away from him and once that "You will always be mine" line started to disgust me I was done.
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this reminded me a lot of our relationship. there were times when it became too much for me and i tried to break it off but he wouldn't let me. after awhile i already knew that there was no leaving him. half the time i didn't really want to anyway, i just needed a break from the intensity of it all, but he wouldn't even allow me that.

he would often tell me that i belonged to him. i didnt mind it though, bc im my mind he was mine and i didn't want anyone else anyway. this is probably dangerous thinking. i know you're not supposed to allow someone to feel like they own you. but i guess at that moment, i wanted him to own me.

smh, young and dumb i suppose.
 
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I just watched the video and wow...i can relate as well, sans the drug segments.

Just got out of a relationship like that. Met him 8 years ago in the military, it was quite a whirlwind romance. I fell head over heels in love with this guy, our lives revolved around each other, and the distance only fueled our frustration and desire to be together. He went as far as asking me to mother his child, in which i agreed. But i later told him i couldnt, and the first round ended terribly. The six months after he left me were the worst. I tried to be civil and try to maintain a friendship, but he got stranger and stranger in his speech through MySpace-ing. I got over him after two years or so, and the fact that his appearance started to deteriorate helped too(i know thats messed up lol)

Fast forward to 2010, we became friends in FaceBook. Still over him at this point, but we reconnected once we found out we both were in pharmacy school. We talked for days how life had been after we broke up, and how awful his life had been since(bad girlfriends, a failed marriage, a false baby, his family turned his back on him, attempted suicide). I also found out he had mental issues(he has DID) After all that time apart, i finally got an apology, and bam, we were joined at the hip again. Talking all day everyday, his mom was happy i was around, because she saw how happy i made him. However that xcame to another crashing halt when i found out he was sending harasssing messages to my last exboyfriend. He manipulated the situation to place the blame on me, took no responsibility, and essentially told me to *** off for not trusting his word.

Its over again, im feeling the same pain i felt back in 2004. I really thought he matured and saw the light. Hes all over Facebook carrying on, "I dont give a F" and "im happy and drama free." It hurts, but i know it will be for the best.

Forgive me for rambling, this is all very recent.
 
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runwaydream said:
after awhile i already knew that there was no leaving him. half the time i didn't really want to anyway, i just needed a break from the intensity of it all, but he wouldn't even allow me that.
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My ex even commented before about how we always end up back together during a break-up I thought was the last. The break-ups did become more of just breaks away.

I think on the other side, their idea of "own" was different from ours because I did want to be his and I wanted him to be mine. I wanted him to be part of who I was, not someone to rule over me.



SoopremeBeing

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I begged my ex to get mental help because I thought something was wrong with him, he never did because it was always someone else's fault. The break-ups are very hard and painful but it gets easier in the long run. You don't deserve to put up with this, no one does. Dealing with the long healing process and moving on hurts less than spending years going back and forth. :needhug:
 
Came across this quote, which reminded me of this thread:

"Soul mates is the karmic interlocking of one person's fears, and the other person's virtuosic ability to trigger those fears."
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IME, intensity doesn't necessarily come from a good place.
 
I also forgot to add that I also love the video because of the metaphors in it. The drug scenes remind me about how you can become addicted to someone. That can be dangerous which is why at times you feel like you are not your normal self when you had those "intense moments".
 
hmmm I've been in more than a few relationships like this over the years. It's actually the norm for me...

I'm a passionate person. Both my real friendships, familial relationships and romantic relationships are intense almost tragedy/dramas. I'm overly sensitive in a weird kinda way, temperamental, fragile, explosive, and emotionally volatile. I'm always just being myself and things get out of hand. My life is like another universe (LOL), people are enticed by it and get sucked in. IDK. When people love me it's hard to for me to show them that I love them back in an appropriate manner. I love hard and fast. Then I'm gone. Things tend to get prolonged because I'm always running, they are always chasing me and won't let me go, but you can't save me unless I want to be saved.....crash & burn.... people don't believe me when I tell them that I'm bad for their health :lol:
 
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tinkat said:
I also forgot to add that I also love the video because of the metaphors in it. The drug scenes remind me about how you can become addicted to someone. That can be dangerous which is why at times you feel like you are not your normal self when you had those "intense moments".
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The bolded is the exact and most accurate sum of my relationships. I have an addictive personality in a way, and I'm admittedly a love addict. Naturally, I attract what I am: other love addicts. There's a lot of narcissim on both sides of my relationships. As a result, causes me to struggle with codependent relationships. They need me because I stroke their ego and build them up to make them feel like a superhero and I tend to need them because they play savior by rescuing me all the time. We validate each other so there is a need there that the love/relationship is feeding. Sometimes it's healthy, just as often it is not. Either way, it is what it is.....
 
ive been in a relationship like this. no drugs or abuse but it was intense.

we were together 2 years and even after we broke up we still had an odd off again on again "romance" for the next 8 years:nono:
im STILL not really over him. i just cant get him out of my system. i never think about him during the day but at night he stays in my dreams:nono: i miss the love i felt for him and the love i think he felt for me. i have NEVER felt that was again.

i was so stupidly in love with him that i would hang on his every word.
i remember after we broke up i went to a different school and even stopped talking to our mutual friends to get away from him. it didnt work lol. everywhere i turned there he was or there someone else was asking me are we still together.

i remember when i first found out he had a daughter, i literally felt my heart crumble. i couldnt stop crying.

he still goes out of his way to hurt me though so i just stay away from him.
 
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chebaby said:
ive been in a relationship like this. no drugs or abuse but it was intense.

we were together 2 years and even after we broke up we still had an odd off again on again "romance" for the next 8 years:nono:
im STILL not really over him. i just cant get him out of my system. i never think about him during the day but at night he stays in my dreams:nono: i miss the love i felt for him and the love i think he felt for me. i have NEVER felt that was again.

i was so stupidly in love with him that i would hang on his every word.
i remember after we broke up i went to a different school and even stopped talking to our mutual friends to get away from him. it didnt work lol. everywhere i turned there he was or there someone else was asking me are we still together.

i remember when i first found out he had a daughter, i literally felt my heart crumble. i couldnt stop crying.

he still goes out of his way to hurt me though so i just stay away from him.
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that may not be true. Believe it or not, some people are really that self-absorbed and have virtually NO emotional intelligence. They might be nice people or even sympathetic but their empathy level = zero. What they do has nothing to do with you because they aren't even thinking about you when they do it. Some people truly can't see or relate to how the things they do might affect other people....
 
oh and i think its great that many of you have lt go of the anger and moved on. i havent been able to do that yet. i JUST threw away our prom pics like last weekend and i looked so happy in those pics. i haven been the same since we broke up. im tearing up just thinking about it.
yes he did a lot of hurtful and flucked up things to me and i would be a fool to even think about going back to him but i loved that boy so much. soooooo much.

i remember about 4 months ago he got on facebook and didnt know how to work it. instead of typing my name in the search engine he typed it as his status. i was on cloud nine thinking he was thinking about me and how i must have been on his mind lol. all my friends were calling me like "did you see your name is his status" lol. pathetic i know but the love i had for him, i have never felt again.

and you know what really hurts? it hurts to know that he USED to love me. which makes me think what is wrong with me that he just didnt love me anymore?
 
chebaby said:
oh and i think its great that many of you have lt go of the anger and moved on. i havent been able to do that yet. i JUST threw away our prom pics like last weekend and i looked so happy in those pics. i haven been the same since we broke up. im tearing up just thinking about it.
yes he did a lot of hurtful and flucked up things to me and i would be a fool to even think about going back to him but i loved that boy so much. soooooo much.

i remember about 4 months ago he got on facebook and didnt know how to work it. instead of typing my name in the search engine he typed it as his status. i was on cloud nine thinking he was thinking about me and how i must have been on his mind lol. all my friends were calling me like "did you see your name is his status" lol. pathetic i know but the love i had for him, i have never felt again.

and you know what really hurts? it hurts to know that he USED to love me. which makes me think what is wrong with me that he just didnt love me anymore?
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probably still loves you. but that has nothing to do with it. Particularly when you've been through a lot in your life, it's a dog-eat-dog world and survival of the fittest. When making life or romantic decision this tends to take precedence over people like your ex (and myself which is why I have so much to say bout it) in their decision-making.....again, has nothing to do with you, he has issues he has to work on and through becaue he will continue hurting himself & the people he loves, like you....

I doubt that helped soothe anything or maek you feel better because those types of wounds are hard to heal and take time. There is a lot of trauma that occur, you probably have Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome from the whole ordeal. But here's a :bighug: I hope things get better....
 
barbiesocialite said:
that may not be true. Believe it or not, some people are really that self-absorbed and have virtually NO emotional intelligence. They might be nice people or even sympathetic but their empathy level = zero. What they do has nothing to do with you because they aren't even thinking about you when they do it. Some people truly can't see or relate to how the things they do might affect other people....
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you may be right. but sometimes i think he just wants to hurt me after all these years. i think he wants a reaction out of me but im the type to act like i dont notice what hes doing.

for example. when we were in school i would always be with my bff. whenever me and the ex were on bad terma and bff and i were walking down the hallway he would pull her to him and give her a huge long hug. hes done this for years and i would just ignore it and not give a reaction.
last year me and bff were in a club and so was he and his friends. we are walking and she was like "someone keeps touching my butt". of course it was him. i never said anything.
so we are standing on the side and he comes to her and leans in real close and says to her "do you think chebaby will be mad if i take you home?". the whol time hes whispering in her ears hes nudging me so i can see how close he is to her.

so sometimes it does seem like he goes out of his way to hurt me.
 
chebaby said:
you may be right. but sometimes i think he just wants to hurt me after all these years. i think he wants a reaction out of me but im the type to act like i dont notice what hes doing.

for example. when we were in school i would always be with my bff. whenever me and the ex were on bad terma and bff and i were walking down the hallway he would pull her to him and give her a huge long hug. hes done this for years and i would just ignore it and not give a reaction.
last year me and bff were in a club and so was he and his friends. we are walking and she was like "someone keeps touching my butt". of course it was him. i never said anything.
so we are standing on the side and he comes to her and leans in real close and says to her "do you think chebaby will be mad if i take you home?". the whol time hes whispering in her ears hes nudging me so i can see how close he is to her.

so sometimes it does seem like he goes out of his way to hurt me.
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IDK. maybe but I've been accused of that a lot in my life my family & loved ones and that was never my intent AT ALL. Actually I find those accusations one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me.....

I don't want to try to marginalize your experience at all, it's unfortunate you went through that....
 
barbiesocialite said:
probably still loves you. but that has nothing to do with it. Particularly when you've been through a lot in your life, it's a dog-eat-dog world and survival of the fittest. When making life or romantic decision this tends to take precedence over people like your ex (and myself which is why I have so much to say bout it) in their decision-making.....again, has nothing to do with you, he has issues he has to work on and through becaue he will continue hurting himself & the people he loves, like you....

I doubt that helped soothe anything or maek you feel better because those types of wounds are hard to heal and take time. There is a lot of trauma that occur, you probably have Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome from the whole ordeal. But here's a :bighug: I hope things get better....
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thank you. i so appreciate your kind words and the big hug. this thread just brought back so many memories.
 
barbiesocialite said:
IDK. maybe but I've been accused of that a lot in my life my family & loved ones and that was never my intent AT ALL. Actually I find those accusations one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me.....

I don't want to try to marginalize your experience at all, it's unfortunate you went through that....
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i understand what you are saying.and you are probably right.
 
just had another memory lol. gosh it makes me want to cry. i was so pathetic. .

he would call me(before i had a cell phone) on my house phone and say "be ready by so and so time im coming to get you to go to the movies". i would put on my cutest outfit and sit on the couch and wait and i would be sitting there for hours and he would never show.
my parents would be in the basement and i already told them i was leaving. several hours later my dad would come upstairs and see me sitting on the couch and my heart would just break:nono:
 
speaking of memories, this reminds me how I've been known to leave people in the middle of the night while they were sleeping and would never talk to them ever again. Gettin me to explain myself either never happens or takes YEARS. I'm queen MIA. I will say I'm coming & mean to but "things would happen" and I'd never show and wouldnt cal to say I wasn't because I felt bad or ashamed....

I remember one time I was madly infatuated with my ex-gf and I made her leave her gf for me, then the entire time I had no intent of being with her and was dating other people. Anyway, one time she took me on vacation, I didnt like the experience so I waited until she was asleep and caught a flight home in the middle of the night. I deleted her from everything and still havent discussed it since. She wanted to go out to dinner one day a year and half or so later but I never showed :nono: I feel/felt bad but I had so much going on in my life and with myself, now is not the time I want to discuss it.....
 
barbiesocialite said:
that may not be true. Believe it or not, some people are really that self-absorbed and have virtually NO emotional intelligence. They might be nice people or even sympathetic but their empathy level = zero. What they do has nothing to do with you because they aren't even thinking about you when they do it. Some people truly can't see or relate to how the things they do might affect other people....
Click to expand...

This is so true. Having a relationship in general (family, friend, SO) is very difficult when its like this. Sometimes you have to just let go unless they can acknowledge the problem and are working on it.
 
chebaby said:
just had another memory lol. gosh it makes me want to cry. i was so pathetic. .

he would call me(before i had a cell phone) on my house phone and say "be ready by so and so time im coming to get you to go to the movies". i would put on my cutest outfit and sit on the couch and wait and i would be sitting there for hours and he would never show.
my parents would be in the basement and i already told them i was leaving. several hours later my dad would come upstairs and see me sitting on the couch and my heart would just break:nono:
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umm what an *******! he deliberately hurt you in the past and I do believe that he goes out of his way to do it now. you have to release this hold he has on you. He knows he has control of your emotions and is just waiting on the day he can get a reaction out of you. what a phucking jerk! ugh!
 
danibeeja_gyal said:
umm what an *******! he deliberately hurt you in the past and I do believe that he goes out of his way to do it now. you have to release this hold he has on you. He knows he has control of your emotions and is just waiting on the day he can get a reaction out of you. what a phucking jerk! ugh!
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i want to get over him so bad. i guess its true when they say you never get over your first. i think he knew he had me the minute i gave him my virginity. he had me wrapped around his finger ever since.

and i date other people its not like i sit at home praying that he calls. its just that i always dream about him, or run into him or his friends. like hes always there.:nono: the world is such a small place.
 
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