We fight mostly when we're away from each other...

[Everything Zen]

After a famously intense fight last night that left me in tears and yelling, MisterMan texted this morning to say Good Morning and to apologize and tell me he loves me and that he wants to cook dinner for me when I come over on Thursday to stay for the weekend.

I apologized as well but when I think back over all the times that we fight (which is not often) it almost alway happens at night when I am back at my own place or out of town or something. He usually calls me late and I recognize that normally I don't want to have a long drawn out conversation because I'm tired and want to chill out and go to sleep. The conversations start very genially and have a tendency to go south after that. If we don't fight, I'm drained and tired of talking and having serious conversation so I have a tendency not to be in a good mood after the call.

What gives? Is this a bad sign? When we're together we get along almost too well and I stay with him for days or a week at a time. We've been together more than 9 months. I hope this isn't the beginning of the end because I am too lazy to start over and find someone new and this is my first real relationship.

 

[Syrah]

What are the fights about??

My dad has always said, the surest sign of an idiot is someone who "Does the same thing, expecting different results". Fights are about a difference of opinion - they happen and they will continue to happen. But if a blow up over something relatively little has got you in tears, quite frequently, you need to really look at your relationship.

How do you contribute to the fights? What of those things (contributing factors) are you willing to change? Note: the only reason I'm focused on the things that YOU do because YOU are the only person you can control. You've got ZERO control over him.

My ex-man didn't understand when he would repeatedly ask me to do _______ (I don't want to go into details) and I would tell him straight up "I know I need to make that change, but I'm honestly not ready to - and I'm letting you know this STRAIGHT UP" he didn't get it. He thought I was being a smart ass and trying to be controlling and didn't realize that it wasn't about that. I was just trying to tell him what MY PLANS were - and hey, if you can't handle the current plan...you've got some serious thinking to do.

But yea - you need to look at how you contribute and if you're willing to change those things. If not, its time to re-evaluate the relationship.

I will say this - the first year of a relationship is all about courting. If he's got you crying, he's not courting right. Homeboy needs to think about what HE'S DOING.

 

[MizzBrown]

I'm just mad you call him "MisterMan"....LOL

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

Do you tell him that you're tired and don't want to talk, or do you just "try to get through" the convo?

 

[Everything Zen]

I'm just mad you call him "MisterMan"....LOL

Well I have a knack for coming up with the best nicknames- Just ask "Frat Daddy", "Fashion Nugget", "Water Baby", and "Mr. Eagle Scout Man Boy of Vengeance"

 

[Everything Zen]

What are the fights about??

My dad has always said, the surest sign of an idiot is someone who "Does the same thing, expecting different results". Fights are about a difference of opinion - they happen and they will continue to happen. But if a blow up over something relatively little has got you in tears, quite frequently, you need to really look at your relationship.

How do you contribute to the fights? What of those things (contributing factors) are you willing to change? Note: the only reason I'm focused on the things that YOU do because YOU are the only person you can control. You've got ZERO control over him.

My ex-man didn't understand when he would repeatedly ask me to do _______ (I don't want to go into details) and I would tell him straight up "I know I need to make that change, but I'm honestly not ready to - and I'm letting you know this STRAIGHT UP" he didn't get it. He thought I was being a smart ass and trying to be controlling and didn't realize that it wasn't about that. I was just trying to tell him what MY PLANS were - and hey, if you can't handle the current plan...you've got some serious thinking to do.

But yea - you need to look at how you contribute and if you're willing to change those things. If not, its time to re-evaluate the relationship.

I will say this - the first year of a relationship is all about courting. If he's got you crying, he's not courting right. Homeboy needs to think about what HE'S DOING.

Well the convo went south after I mentioned feeling empathy for a coworker/friend/associate of ours that he hates. Long story- this friend is both in his band and is his boss and they both work for this really shady corrupt company and I worked there for a time and this friend caused a lot of grief for him when he wanted to start dating me. He threatened him under the guise of being his boss not to talk to me (turns out he likes me). So there's a lot of drama. Anywho, I feel sorry for the friend because he has a gambling addiction. He's starting a new job soon so he's going to quit the band and cut this guy out of his life and it's hard because I don't know the best way for me to do the same because this friend and I knew each other long before MisterMan.

The first year should be about courting. Girl! This man started talking about our SECOND CHILD ON THE FIRST DATE!!! I couldn't even eat dinner I lost my appetite. If he wasn't a friendly associate before this I might not have ever talked to him again. Months later I took his assertiveness to mean he was a man that knew what he wanted and was forthcoming about his intentions with me and no one I've ever been involved with has ever done that before. I don't cry very often and he treats me better than anyone I've ever been with- almost to the point of being annoying.

We ended up fighting over finances. He was being critical of me buying a concert ticket to see a band we both like on their last tour ever when the money could be going to paying down CC debt (I had a total of 8,000 dollars of debt). Nevermind the fact that every two week pay period I put at least 500.00 down on it. I lost it because after running his big mouth about cutting down on spending and tightening his belt he went and bought a 1,300.00 bass. Now I can appreciate his purchase because I am a musician and a guitar player as well and I never gave him grief about that bass until he start acting super critical about me. That was quite a fight. I went over to his house at 4 am and sat on the bed and told him everything about himself from the fact that he needs to lose weight to the truth about the issues he has with his father.

I really don't care what a person does until they start trying to point the finger at me. I will verbally undress you if you mess with me.

 

[Everything Zen]

Do you tell him that you're tired and don't want to talk, or do you just "try to get through" the convo?

We both love to mentally spar a bit too much I think so I just try to get through the convo as best I can. I don't mind talking but I hate to see things go south.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

We both love to mentally spar a bit too much I think so I just try to get through the convo as best I can. I don't mind talking but I hate to see things go south.

Wouldn't telling him that you're not int he mood to chat make things less difficult? How about setting up a different routine that's less likely to cause an argument and works for the both of you.

 

[Everything Zen]

Wouldn't telling him that you're not int he mood to chat make things less difficult? How about setting up a different routine that's less likely to cause an argument and works for the both of you.

I've asked him to call me earlier if he wants to talk but I haven't been very demanding. The trouble is that I am always very happy to hear from him until I get that feeling that this convo is about to get heavy...

 

[tada1]

im so excited about this new feature! I dont have to go to a whole other page to respond!!! :\ ::

OK back to the topic. How did things work out for you? were you able to resolve the differences? sorry i dont have any real advice to offer, but i think i can learn from your experience. gracias

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Sounds like frustration and a bit of sexual tension{whether you two are getting it in or not!} Voice your concerns and get this mess outta the way..don't want to mess up a good thing due to some distance.

 

[Everything Zen]

Sounds like frustration and a bit of sexual tension{whether you two are getting it in or not!} Voice your concerns and get this mess outta the way..don't want to mess up a good thing due to some distance.

Ha! Got to use my first new feature. Thanks Brooklyn! We haven't done the deed yet and we've been together over a year. I've always thought that could be part of it.