Virgin Jaded about dating game

[natstar]

Ladies-

I am starting to feel like there is no hope for me in finding a relationship. I am a virgin and everytime I tell a guy that I am waiting until I am in a committed relationship or in a marriage to have sex, they just want to be friends. I always say that I have enough friends. I just feel really frustrated and down for some reason, like its not even worth it. I know I deserve to be w/someone who will wait but I am starting to think that that will never happen and all guys are a**holes and that maybe I should take whatever I can get.

I really do think I'm starting to get jaded and that scares me. I just needed to vent and get over this. It's as though some guys act like they are all interested in a long term relationship but then turn around and do a Dr. Jekyll/Hyde routine. I'm just really tired of this. I feel like crying and screaming all at once cause I got my head on straight, I'm in school, I'm a nice person, I am giving, yet that isn't enough. If anyone has been through this plse share your wisdome/advice for me and anyone going thru a similar situation.

 

[carcajada]

Just giving my support!

It's a wonderful thing you are sticting to your convictions.

 

[Much2much41]

Ladies-

I am starting to feel like there is no hope for me in finding a relationship. I am a virgin and everytime I tell a guy that I am waiting until I am in a committed relationship or in a marriage to have sex, they just want to be friends. I always say that I have enough friends. I just feel really frustrated and down for some reason, like its not even worth it. I know I deserve to be w/someone who will wait but I am starting to think that that will never happen and all guys are a**holes and that maybe I should take whatever I can get.

I really do think I'm starting to get jaded and that scares me. I just needed to vent and get over this. It's as though some guys act like they are all interested in a long term relationship but then turn around and do a Dr. Jekyll/Hyde routine. I'm just really tired of this. I feel like crying and screaming all at once cause I got my head on straight, I'm in school, I'm a nice person, I am giving, yet that isn't enough. If anyone has been through this plse share your wisdome/advice for me and anyone going thru a similar situation.

I'm not in your situation, but I believe it's nice that these men are respecting your wish to wait and aren't attempting to seduce you. It could be worse than them just wanting to be your friend. Don't think you have to take whatever you can get. If you give in and STILL don't get a husband, I think you'll be even more upset. There are men out there that will wait for you. If he isn't willing to wait, he isn't deserving, and it's best not to waste your time on him. He's doing you a favor by moving on. Also, don't discuss your virginity too soon. Be proud of it, for sure, but it's not the only thing about you, and men don't get a chance to really know you well enough to decide if they are willing to wait if they know about your chastity up front. Let the relationship flow naturally, and it keeps some of the pressure off. If he learns to really care about you before he finds out you're a virgin, he'll be more apt to consider staying in the relationship. I don't know where you're looking, but perhaps getting out and going to different places will put you in a place to find a different calibre of men. Don't be "giving". A man that truly wants you will give to YOU. Broaden your scope, and have a positive outlook. He's out there, and he'll be happy to have you.

 

[locabouthair]

I'm not in your situation, but I believe it's nice that these men are respecting your wish to wait and aren't attempting to seduce you. It could be worse than them just wanting to be your friend. Don't think you have to take whatever you can get. If you give in and STILL don't get a husband, I think you'll be even more upset. There are men out there that will wait for you. If he isn't willing to wait, he isn't deserving, and it's best not to waste your time on him. He's doing you a favor by moving on. Also, don't discuss your virginity too soon. Be proud of it, for sure, but it's not the only thing about you, and men don't get a chance to really know you well enough to decide if they are willing to wait if they know about your chastity up front. Let the relationship flow naturally, and it keeps some of the pressure off. If he learns to really care about you before he finds out you're a virgin, he'll be more apt to consider staying in the relationship. I don't know where you're looking, but perhaps getting out and going to different places will put you in a place to find a different calibre of men. Don't be "giving". A man that truly wants you will give to YOU. Broaden your scope, and have a positive outlook. He's out there, and he'll be happy to have you.

ITA!! Op, I am in the same boat as you. I agree dont talk about the sex thing too soon wait until it comes up and then let him know. You can pm me if you like!

 

[janiebaby]

I applaud you on saving yourself for the right person at the right time. This is my opinion, I think men are scared off when they find out that you're a virgin because they think if the men that you've seen didn't measure up then they won't possibly be able to either so they don't even try. They just want to date but they feel pressured into talking about marriage and jumping into a commitment.

Personally, I don't think the fact that you are a virgin should come up in a conversation with a suitor. Not just that you're a virgin but any sex talk whatsoever virgin or no virgin esp. in the beginning. Now I don't know about your situation but I don't think any man has asked me if I was a virgin so are you just coming out and telling them? Hun, you don't need to. Trust me once you've started dating and when the sex talk comes up after a commitment has been made, your potential dh will be thankful. Just tell em you haven't given yourself to anyone yet because you keep running into playas don't get all deep with it.

 

[SEMO]

I applaud you on saving yourself for the right person at the right time. This is my opinion, I think men are scared off when they find out that you're a virgin because they think if the men that you've seen didn't measure up then they won't possibly be able to either so they don't even try. They just want to date but they feel pressured into talking about marriage and jumping into a commitment.

Personally, I don't think the fact that you are a virgin should come up in a conversation with a suitor. Not just that you're a virgin but any sex talk whatsoever virgin or no virgin esp. in the beginning. Now I don't know about your situation but I don't think any man has asked me if I was a virgin so are you just coming out and telling them? Hun, you don't need to. Trust me once you've started dating and when the sex talk comes up after a commitment has been made, your potential dh will be thankful. Just tell em you haven't given yourself to anyone yet because you keep running into playas don't get all deep with it.

ITA . You shouldn't give up intimate and personal details like that until a man has made a serious commitment to you. I also agree that you shouldn't adopt a "take what I can get" attitude. You're worth more than that.

 

[natstar]

ITA . You shouldn't give up intimate and personal details like that until a man has made a serious commitment to you. I also agree that you shouldn't adopt a "take what I can get" attitude. You're worth more than that.

The unfortunate thing is that it did come up really early. I didn't proactively give the info, but he wanted to get more intimate with me and I had to tell him. We were close (petting,kissing) which he willfully did even knowing what the deal was, but afterwards he said he didn't feel right unless he had sex.

Thank you ladies for your suggestions/comments. I will avoid mentioning my situation until later in the relationship. But at the time I had to give him a reason.

 

[Bunny77]

The unfortunate thing is that it did come up really early. I didn't proactively give the info, but he wanted to get more intimate with me and I had to tell him. We were close (petting,kissing) which he willfully did even knowing what the deal was, but afterwards he said he didn't feel right unless he had sex.

Thank you ladies for your suggestions/comments. I will avoid mentioning my situation until later in the relationship. But at the time I had to give him a reason.

The ladies all gave good advice. I'll add this...

The fact that the issue came up THAT early with this dude was a warning sign that he needed to be let go. If you want to wait until marriage (or whenever), that type of behavior should not be happening "early."

Don't get "close" to men in that way if you're not ready, because one thing leads to another.... many a committed virgin has suddenly become a non-virgin because of a little kissing and petting!

 

[AfroKink]

I'm in the same boat as the OP so I don't have much advice to offer. One of the guys I'm talking to now hasn't brought up sex at all. We've been getting to know each other better since January, but we've known each other for a few years. There's something really comforting about it. I don't feel pressured by him.


And guy number two I met through a friend in the summer, and we went out for the first time about a 3 weeks ago and have talked on the phone a few times. In our last conversation he made two sexually suggestive comments, I think he was trying to feel me out. He also gave me an open invitation to go over to his place. He suggested we hang out at his place sometime and drink tea.erplexed I don't think bruh's ready for the years of celibacy that dating me would entail.

oh I do have advice for the OP "don't start what you cant finish" I found that out the hard way. Left both parties confused and frustrated. Had to end those relationships quick.

lys

 

[Farida]

Instead of feeling jaded take it as a blessing. Those men aren't what you needed and at least they respected your decision instead of trying to change it.

It could be worse as people say - some men would just lie to get you in bed - and it is easier than you think.

I would say yes, hold off on bringing up sex, but don't hold off too long. If they ask, just be honest. You don't want to have the sex discussion when he has already jumped into giving you physical affection - which, in a moment of temptation would be hard to say no to.

It seems you are strong in your conviction. For this reason if you compromised yourself just to get a man I think you would eventually resent him and feel really badly about yourself as well.

There are plenty of good men ready to wait. Just be patient. A good gauge is where do you meet the men you date?

 

[meia]

Hey Natstar!
I too was the lonely virgin until I turned 19....its bad.
Everyone around you (Especially if you're in college and even if you're not) are doing each other like wild rabbits and laugh because you have morals and convictions.

Men used to play the friend card with me. There is a reason though. A lot of men want to think sex is an option for them when they get together with you. Knowing you're a virgin does either of three things to a man:
A. Lets him know that you're "one of THOSE types of girls" and that you won't put out immediately so he'd have to wait long for what he could probably get tonight at a club, attachment-free
B. A lot of men think of taking one's virginity as a burden- some men just don't want the burden of being someone's 1st. Let's be honest here ladies, most women never forget their first and if they aren't feeling you like that they'd rather forgo the situation entirely.
C. Some men just want sex and don't want to go through the emotional connection of waiting and being "gentle" with a virgin since it is their first time so they opt entirely out of it.

Don't worry Nat- there is someone out there for you....
It is worth it to be a virgin. I waited longer than anyone else i've known because I didn't want that responsibility of all the things that come with sex. Then I decided for myself that the one man I was with (who i'm with now currently- 3 years later) was worth it because I figured he was my soulmate so I did it.

It will happen Nat, it just takes time to find that person who respects your wishes. Don't give in... I guarantee you'll regret it for a long time thereafter....do it only when you feel the time is right. I know a lot of women who just gave it up easily without thought and later on in life, they used to tell me that they were jealous I kept it for so long and that I could do that for myself.

Men only know how to be Jekyll & Hyde....its easier than being reliable, and three times as easy as being honest with themselves and their prospective partners.... Don't let it get you down. Please, please, wait until you feel, instinctively, that this is something you want to engage in...

You don't want to regret that first time because it should always be special to you and your partner....wait until you know a man long enough first otherwise once its gone you can't ever get it back. I'm with you all the way- you sound just like I did. Be that special girl and don't give up to anyone...Its so easy for women to open their legs (I know I knew quite a few *fast* women back in college) but it takes more discipline and self love to keep something as beautiful as your virginity. A lot of people wish they were as pure and innocent.

Trust me when I tell you all of this-
You're worth it. And the respect and dignity you have for yourself is more than most people will ever have for themselves.
You're one lucky girl and the man that gets to have you when you're ready will be one of the luckiest men on this earth!

 

[gabulldawg]

GIRRRRRL, let me tell you. I was a virgin until I was 23!! I'm 24 now, so this has been recently. I started dating my current SO my Senior year of college. He already knew from the beginning that I was a virgin and that STILL didn't scare him away. He admitting that it really intimidated him and that he was really scared to approach me but he eventually did. He didn't ever pressure me to have sex and we were together TWO YEARS before it happened. I can only thank God for him because he was so patient with me, and still is since I still have issues sometimes with sex. I also had to put up with guys who couldn't leave fast enough when I told them that I was a virgin and why. Don't give up. I prayed to God for the right one to come my way and I really feel that he is the right one for me.