Ultimatums

[Menina Preta]

I follow Demetria Lucas (Belle in Brooklyn blogger and Blood, Sweat and Heels reality personality) on Facebook. She posted this yesterday:

Question: "If you've been in a relationship for 5 years, should you have to give an ultimatum for your man to propose? Talked about marriage thru the years, he keeps saying he isn't ready yet."
Answer (Demetria): "No. He either wants to marry you or he doesn't. You don't want a husband you have to force to marry you. You want someone who considers himself ready and is willing, not under duress. You want an actual marriage that lasts, not just dope wedding pictures. If you're tired of waiting, you always have the option to leave?"

Do you agree? I scanned the comments and saw another popular 30+ Black woman blogger (from the book "B**** is the New Black") ask if this technique has ever worked for them and some women chimed in...I don't think telling a man that he must do XYZ or else is helpful, but I do think a woman should be clear with what they will and will not tolerate and not wait for him to figure it out on his own. What say you? Like when does it turn from stating your expectations to giving ultimatums?

 

[lesedi]

Only give an ultimatum if you are prepared to leave if things don't go as planned. If you stay, you wont be taken seriously.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I'd give myself an ultimatum.....mentally.
And if someone gives me one it would piss me off...and I'd stoop to being petty and spiteful. So nah I don't believe in them

 

[SlimPickinz]

I agree. Telling a man to marry or else leads down a road you do not want to be on. Like if Bae said I wanna do XXXXXX or else I would just chuck the deuce. He'd call me the next day like sike. I'd be like nope. That is ultimately a recipe for extreme disaster. Like nothing good will come from it. If you want a marriage why begin under dire circumstances?

 

[Menina Preta]

I agree with everything you all posted. I just wonder when does it turn from "I love you, but I can't move in with you unless we are married" to "If you don't propose in a month, then we are done." I didn't give my DH a true ultimatum, but as soon as he asked me to move in with him, I said cool and my very next question was about when were we going to get engaged...lol. Like you shouldn't force someone's hand, but I don't think it's in a woman's best interest not to be very clear about her overall relationship goals.

 

[LiftedUp]

No. Why would you want to force a man to marry you? If after 5 years you desire marriage and he doesn't at that point in time then make the decision to leave.

That type of marriage is conducive to women who like to chase men.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I agree with everything you all posted. I just wonder when does it turn from "I love you, but I can't move in with you unless we are married" to "If you don't propose in a month, then we are done." I didn't give my DH a true ultimatum, but as soon as he asked me to move in with him, I said cool and my very next question was about when were we going to get engaged...lol. Like you shouldn't force someone's hand, but I don't think it's in a woman's best interest not to be very clear about her overall relationship goals.

Yeah there's a fine line and tbh it's really all in how you word it. We all know that the best way to persuade someone is to not strong arm them, you have to let them think it was their idea .lol.

But for real, I think you have to be on the same page with your partner from the start and have open dialogue. Be honest about what you want unapologetically.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Marriage ultimatum? No way.
Being clear upfront is better than waiting 5 years to give an ultimatum.

 

[NOEChic]

I would have a timeline in my head. If he don't poop or get off the pot by my timeline in my head, I'm bouncing. When/if he asks why, I'd be honest and tell him that I wanted to be married and you didn't. Thanks for the memories.

 

[Foxglove]

5 years and still ambiguous lol
Wasted half a decade of her childbearing years and there's still a question of where the relationship is headed? She's better than me

ETA I don't believe in ultimatums, especially for something this big

 

[movingforward13]

No ultimatums.

Just sit him down and tell him why the relationship is over. Then do the NC and move on. If he really wants you- he will come find you. But telling him why is very important- "We aren't in same page. Expected/wanted to be engaged after 5 years together/ I am wasting my time and youth"...

 

[bklynbornNbred]

You don't tell him you show him. if you're marriage minded don't give husband privileges to a boyfriend.
Make him earn your time and attention.

Don't get caught up with possible excuses without action as backup. There's plenty of people selling women wolf tickets and excuses to settle but there's a difference between he's finishing school or aiming for partner and some underemployed dude dreaming about a business he hasn't even started.

And if there is delay then stay where you are and circle the gf lane. No moving in to save money so he can buy ring for next woman. No buying house or car and absolutely don't purposely have a baby to inspire a ring because you're practically married. Because you're not. You're not his legal next of kin.

By year 3 when he wasn't making moves she should have told him since he wasn't sure about his timeline it would only make sense for them both to start dating others again. She has a position to fill and if he is ambivalent then she has every right to continue interviewing. Then actually do it. If his reasons for delay were BS he'll step up. If not she's already ahead of game and would have wasted 3 years instead of 5. (The older you get the less time should be allowed for foolishness. A couple straight out of college gets more leeway than couples in their thirties.) Trust, when he meets and marry the next woman in less than a year those 5 years will burn.

 

[jerseyhaircare]

Ultimatums will only bring trouble. A man will marry you once he's ready. However, you don't have to wait around while he makes up his mind. Dated DH on and off for two years, didn't take him seriously because he was playing too many games. Moved out of state and changed my number-ghosted his behind and moved on. Three years later, he found a way to hunt me down-called me in June and bought the ring by September married in July. You can't play games with men, if you know your worth, he will be the one begging you to settle down. Don't let them think they are the prize.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I didn't give dh an ultimatum but I did tell him that I wouldn't be his gf for more than a year. He propose after 5 months.

The guy I dated prior to dh told me that after a year of dating he thought the next step was to give his gf a key to his place. I broke up with him 2 weeks later (I didn't want to do it the week of his bday ).

 

[okange76]

18 months should be the absolute max unless there are extenuating circumstances. How much more does he need to know about you to decide? By then he should have seen the good, the bad and the ugly if you are seriously dating. An extra 2 or 3 yrs is not going to change who you are. Many couples are still learning about each other 25 years after marriage. You can never be 100 % certain about a person. Take a leap of faith and let the chips fall where they may.

 

[movingforward13]

You don't tell him you show him. if you're marriage minded don't give husband privileges to a boyfriend.
Make him earn your time and attention.

Don't get caught up with possible excuses without action as backup. There's plenty of people selling women wolf tickets and excuses to settle but there's a difference between he's finishing school or aiming for partner and some underemployed dude dreaming about a business he hasn't even started.

And if there is delay then stay where you are and circle the gf lane. No moving in to save money so he can buy ring for next woman. No buying house or car and absolutely don't purposely have a baby to inspire a ring because you're practically married. Because you're not. You're not his legal next of kin.

By year 3 when he wasn't making moves she should have told him since he wasn't sure about his timeline it would only make sense for them both to start dating others again. She has a position to fill and if he is ambivalent then she has every right to continue interviewing. Then actually do it. If his reasons for delay were BS he'll step up. If not she's already ahead of game and would have wasted 3 years instead of 5. (The older you get the less time should be allowed for foolishness. A couple straight out of college gets more leeway than couples in their thirties.) Trust, when he meets and marry the next woman in less than a year those 5 years will burn.

This spoke to my soul- wish this thread existed 8 years ago when I was dating my ex.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

This spoke to my soul- wish this thread existed 8 years ago when I was dating my ex.

So do I girl but you live and learn and hopefully help others to do better. Your good egg years are GOLD. Do not waste them being frustrated with someone that is behaving lukewarm about your wishes.

 

[Browndilocks]

No ultimatums...and no warning.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

just give yourself a mental ultimatum and start planning and ACTUALLY follow through. But straight up telling the guy, you'll be signing divorce papers sooner or later.

 

[BGT]

Only give an ultimatum if you are prepared to leave if things don't go as planned. If you stay, you wont be taken seriously.

I listen to this daily morning called The Kidd Kraddick Show. One of the co-hosts broke up with her boyfriend over vacation last year and told him not to come back unless he was ready for a commitment. Then she went on living her life, going on vacations, and dating other men. He knocked on her door during Thanksgiving, asked her to move in, and proposed.

 

[NinaShamone]

I listen to this daily morning called The Kidd Kraddick Show. One of the co-hosts broke up with her boyfriend over vacation last year and told him not to come back unless he was ready for a commitment. Then she went on living her life, going on vacations, and dating other men. He knocked on her door during Thanksgiving, asked her to move in, and proposed.

Aww, I stopped listening because I can't take Big Al. But was this Jenna? Good for her.

 

[BGT]

Aww, I stopped listening because I can't take Big Al. But was this Jenna? Good for her.

Yes Jenna!

 

[NinaShamone]

Good for her! ^

 

[PeaceFlow]

Lol the white dude I used to sit next to was talking about his wedding day.

I asked if he was nervous speaking in front of all the people and he was like "NERVOUS??? I was shaking like a leaf and sweat was dripping off me. Not because of the people.... because I didn't want to sign my life away! She told me to marry her or **** off and so I did what I had to do"

Think they've been married about 20 years now, but it made me laugh.

The other day I saw a picture of a black friend of a friend on Facebook, looking around 45 years old. He posted a picture of him with his new wife at the wedding with the comment "Well I suppose I'm married now...I guess...." I can't believe people were thanking that and totally ignoring his confusion and disappointment xD

 

[TwoSnapsUp]

If you are clear with your intentions of getting married, then you shouldn't have to provide ultimatums. He knows you expect marriage within xxx time and he shows you that he isn't on your time line. Move on. He doesn't want to marry you.

This is a question I am asking men now. Where do they see themselves in a year and in 2 years when it comes to relationships. If I don't like the answer, I move on, since he clearly isn't dating with the intention to get married. After telling one man I was looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage, he told me that "marriage is cool, but I need to get to know her for a while". I left him in the dust. Getting to know someone is a given, but marriage clearly isn't on your mind.

 

[Fine 4s]

@Sumra

OMG! I've always told myself that if I had to announce a major life event like marriage or baby, I'd probably say itnlike he did. But I'm also weird with showing emotions.

 

[Fine 4s]

I think of my friend...
I'm holding my breath right with her. I hope it's coming soon.

 

[LdyKamz]

This could be my friend. They've been together for coming up on 4 years and just now going on their first vacation together. They are already living together and she's hoping for a ring by Christmas. The way she talks is like she doesn't expect it to happen. She said "it would just be nice to take the next step ya know". I'll wait until after New Years to tell her to make him move out because I know no ring is coming.

 

[movingforward13]

This could be my friend. They've been together for coming up on 4 years and just now going on their first vacation together. They are already living together and she's hoping for a ring by Christmas. The way she talks is like she doesn't expect it to happen. She said "it would just be nice to take the next step ya know". I'll wait until after New Years to tell her to make him move out because I know no ring is coming.

I have given my friends like her this article to read---
http://www.tonygaskinsblog.com/2015/04/why-wont-he-marry-you.html?m=1

 

[Fine 4s]

When I read stuff like this:
"I'll speak for myself as a man. I married my wife after only 10 months of dating. I knew from the first 6-hour conversation we had that she was my wife. I married her at 23 years old. I wasn't ready for marriage but I knew she was the one and I didn't want to let her get away. We grew together in marriage and we built everything we have together."

I feel pretty shitty about my love life.
I wanna be that girl that they just know....