Trust

[Prettymetty]

I didn’t think I had trust issues until today. How do y’all deal with insecurities and trust? I’m currently entangled with my best best friend and we are on an off period. Everything gets me in my feelings. I cry daily. I’m going to see a therapist ASAP because venting to other females can only make **** worse.
I cut off all my guy friends to make him feel more secure. I feel really stupid and alone. I need encouragement and advice. If you e ever been in a situation like this please chime in and tell me that it’ll be ok.
Like why am I up at 5 am crying?

 

[Theresamonet]

Can you provide a little bit more context?

Just by what you’ve written, it sounds like he’s done something to break your trust. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have trust issues. He just may not be trustworthy. Don’t let a man gaslight you into thinking you have all of these issues, when they are doing things that would make any rational person feel uncomfortable.

I may be off base, because I can’t really tell what’s going on from your post. But I hope you feel better soon.

I didn’t think I had trust issues until today. How do y’all deal with insecurities and trust? I’m currently entangled with my best best friend and we are on an off period. Everything gets me in my feelings. I cry daily. I’m going to see a therapist ASAP because venting to other females can only make **** worse.
I cut off all my guy friends to make him feel more secure. I feel really stupid and alone. I need encouragement and advice. If you e ever been in a situation like this please chime in and tell me that it’ll be ok.
Like why am I up at 5 am crying?

 

[awhyley]

I didn’t think I had trust issues until today. How do y’all deal with insecurities and trust? I’m currently entangled with my best best friend and we are on an off period. Everything gets me in my feelings. I cry daily. I’m going to see a therapist ASAP because venting to other females can only make **** worse.
I cut off all my guy friends to make him feel more secure. I feel really stupid and alone. I need encouragement and advice. If you e ever been in a situation like this please chime in and tell me that it’ll be ok.
Like why am I up at 5 am crying?

Sounds like he has some inner work to do also.

 

[Prettymetty]

Can you provide a little bit more context?

Just by what you’ve written, it sounds like he’s done something to break your trust. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have trust issues. He just may not be trustworthy. Don’t let a man gaslight you into thinking you have all of these issues, when they are doing things that would make any rational person feel uncomfortable.

I may be off base, because I can’t really tell what’s going on from your post. But I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you. It’s a lot. We started as friends then became friends with benefits. He wanted me so bad. Then when we became a thing he showed his true colors. He’s constantly upset about something and we just think differently.
My issue is that he has extreme double standards and it seems as if I’m in a relationship and he’s not. Sad face

 

[Prettymetty]

Sounds like he has some inner work to do also.

Yeah definitely. He started counseling a couple weeks ago. I hope he keeps it up.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

<snip>

Are you FWB or are you in a relationship?

 

[kimpaur]

......

Your 5am crying is your heart telling you that you are very unhappy

Also, if he’s over the age of 25/26, I doubt therapy will change HIM. Therapy sort of just helps you manage life and your perspective...it won’t necessarily change a persons personality.

The man that he currently is,is that man worthy of your loyalty and love?

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Thank you. It’s a lot. We started as friends then became friends with benefits. He wanted me so bad. Then when we became a thing he showed his true colors. He’s constantly upset about something and we just think differently.
My issue is that he has extreme double standards and it seems as if I’m in a relationship and he’s not. Sad face

I’m getting the vibe that he has you debating over these double standards when you thought you were on the same page. Perhaps he led you to believe he wanted a relationship but once he had you he started talking different. Maybe the conversation was never had where it was explicitly said that this is a relationship and you’d both stop seeing other people? If so, don’t feel bad. It’s gas lighting. It’s not a misunderstanding. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Get out now and accept that he was probably never your friend. He took advantage of your trust and is benefiting from your confusion.

I’m making a lot of assumptions here so forgive me if I’m way off base.

 

[Prettymetty]

I’m getting the vibe that he has you debating over these double standards when you thought you were on the same page. Perhaps he led you to believe he wanted a relationship but once he had you he started talking different. Maybe the conversation was never had where it was explicitly said that this is a relationship and you’d both stop seeing other people? If so, don’t feel bad. It’s gas lighting. It’s not a misunderstanding. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Get out now and accept that he was probably never your friend. He took advantage of your trust and is benefiting from your confusion.

I’m making a lot of assumptions here so forgive me if I’m way off base.

No that was great. That’s the vibe I’m getting now. He chased me for years. Years! Now that I’m here loving on him he’s switching it up on me and I’m so confused. I should’ve known not to get entangled with this man. Whew child

 

[Prettymetty]

Are you FWB or are you in a relationship?

Currently we are technically fwb but he expects me to still act like his girl. He’s on that “we’re together even when we’re not”

 

[Prettymetty]

Your 5am crying is your heart telling you that you are very unhappy

Also, if he’s over the age of 25/26, I doubt therapy will change HIM. Therapy sort of just helps you manage life and your perspective...it won’t necessarily change a persons personality.

The man that he currently is,is that man worthy of your loyalty and love?

He’s a good person just set in his ways and very old fashioned. I am old fashioned too though. He’s worthy of my love. I’m just sick of the uncertainty and blurred lines at this point. Thank y’all all for responding by the way. It means a lot

 

[Lylddlebit]

Unfortunately friends with benefit situations don't foster trust or entitlement. They enable mutually using one another without commitment. I truly feel bad for you because I know you are sad but if you want to change the dynamic of your relationship you have to be honest with yourself and actually create one(a defined relationship)or let what you actual have be what it is. A man who is a regular and aware source of your tears is not your friend... don't let sex or history confuse that reality. You can be okay, but it may require you letting go of less than you deserve to make it okay or require he rise to the standard of committing to you to keep you. Best wishes.


ETA: I know the board is big on therapy and counseling. Just please make sure you don't use therapy or counseling to accept toxic things or people that your natural feelings, consequences and experiences are nudging you to remove. I truly wish you well.

 

[Theresamonet]

He’s a good person just set in his ways and very old fashioned. I am old fashioned too though. He’s worthy of my love. I’m just sick of the uncertainty and blurred lines at this point. Thank y’all all for responding by the way. It means a lot

A good man, worthy of your love, is not going to keep you in limbo in the FWB zone, knowing you want more. And expect you to give him the girlfriend experience on top of it. This man is playing a good old fashioned game with you. Please know that men will play the long con with a woman. So just because you knew him for years, and he was cool, doesn’t mean anything. Now he’s gotten what he wanted from you all this time, and in your own words— his true colors have been revealed.

You will have to come to this realization on your own though, so good luck to you. At the very least, don’t give him anything he won’t give you.

 

[Alma Petra]

Currently we are technically fwb but he expects me to still act like his girl. He’s on that “we’re together even when we’re not”

What do you want? Do you want to be FWB or do you want to be his girlfriend? If you want to be FWB then simply don't let him make you act like his girl. If he is not happy with that, he can go.
If you want to be his girlfriend, call him now, bring him over, sit him down and tell him that you want an exclusive relationship and that you absolutely refuse to continue as FWB. If he is not happy with that, he can go.

You are already heartbroken and crying. Make use of this opportunity and get rid of him if he won't act right. You are already suffering now so suffer it all out once and for all, and just move on from him.

How can he be a good man and worthy of your love but also decide that "we're together even when we are not"? This is not something that a good man will do. This is something that bad hurtful men do. Also it's not up to him to decide one-sidedly that you are together even when you are not. Where are your boundaries girl? You have a say in this too.

 

[awhyley]

He’s a good person just set in his ways and very old fashioned. I am old fashioned too though. He’s worthy of my love. I’m just sick of the uncertainty and blurred lines at this point. Thank y’all all for responding by the way. It means a lot

He sounds stubborn and unyielding, and based on the described, these are not characteristics of him exhibiting good person behavior.

 

[free2bme]

Life is too short. A man that is making you cry at 5 in the morning is so not worth it. He wants to eat his cake and have it to. He wants to all the perks of being in a relationship but doesn't want to do the work it takes to sustain a relationship.

Please don't make excuses for him, there are lots of old fashioned men out there and their women aren't crying at 5 in the morning. When a man really wants to get with a woman, trust me there is no ambiguity. Old fashioned men don't do ambiguous. They are either in or out.

You have two options, tell him what you want out of the relationship with clear expectations and boundaries. If doesn't agree to them you know exactly where you stand.

Option 2, you downgrade the relationship to a true FWB situation. Only reach out to him when you want to color and that's it. Go on dates and live your life. He serves one purpose and that's to physically please you on your terms.(Only do option 2 if you can emotionally compartmentalize and don't get caught up in your feelings).

 

[Crackers Phinn]

He’s a good person just set in his ways and very old fashioned. I am old fashioned too though. He’s worthy of my love. I’m just sick of the uncertainty and blurred lines at this point. Thank y’all all for responding by the way. It means a lot

He is not a good man and he is not your friend. The situation you have described is 100% pure D boy pooh. There is nothing good, old fashioned or worthy of love about a dude who was your supposed friend proposing a sex only situation where he's got exclusive rights to your vagina but his penis is free to roam.

This is not an entanglement it's a set up. If I were you I would get out of this situation ASAP before he starts asking to borrow money.

 

[cutiepiebabygirl]

You may have been a challenge for him.

From your avatar, you appear to be attractive. He probably got off on the chase or the thought of you. (Hence, chasing you for years.)

Now that he has "won" he may have lost interest.

Rest assured, he likes the idea of having you on hold/in limbo. It further inflates his ego. He may also like knowing he can come in and out of your life whenever/however he we wants.

He's in total control. Some men do this. It has nothing to do with you. It's his ineptitude/weakness trying to do it's best impression of strength/confidence.

Please know you have the power to stop all of this. You control your life, who you allow into it, and how they treat you.

He can only treat you poorly if you allow him.

Grieve the relationship and move on.

Don't be hard on yourself, we've all fallen for a sucker.

Reclaim yourself, your power.

 

[kimpaur]

He’s a good person just set in his ways and very old fashioned. I am old fashioned too though. He’s worthy of my love. I’m just sick of the uncertainty and blurred lines at this point. Thank y’all all for responding by the way. It means a lot

Okay, just now read that you two aren't in a relationship
Don't the FWB rules say you only choose men who can lay pipe but you'd never actually date as FWBs? (Just a joke to lighten the mood lol)

Look, you're a grown woman, so put your big girl panties on (maybe take a shot or two of you have to) and do what @Alma Petra said and sit him down and tell him either yall are together or it's over. Stop making excuses for him, stop waking up crying.Decide right here and now to exercise your power- the next time you two are alone together, do it. But Do NOT warn him with a "We need to talk" text or phone call.You want to have an authentic conversation not give him time to think of ways to manipulate the conversation to his benefit.

Honestly tho, he sounds like he's playing you and lowkey probably doesn't respect you if he's pulling the double standards card. Old fashioned men stand out because they are uncommonly respectful and well-mannered but this sounds like a straight-up disrespectful f-boi.We've all been there.

But to be fair,we don't know everything about this guy, so lay it on the line and see what he says.

 

[LiftedUp]

You don't need encouragement, you need to leave him. Any man who has you up 5am crying and alienating your friends to feel secure isn't worth it

 

[caribeandiva]

This is not an entanglement it's a set up. If I were you I would get out of this situation ASAP before he starts asking to borrow money.

If he hasn’t already!

 

[caribeandiva]

You don't need encouragement, you need to leave him. Any man who has you up 5am crying and alienating your friends to feel secure isn't worth it

Agreed! This dude showed you his true colors and is gaslighting you pretty badly. You’re not even his girlfriend! Stay in this situationship if you wanna be crying over him at 5 am for the rest of your life cuz he’s not gonna change. Otherwise cut your losses and date others.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

This is gonna sound random but your post reminded me of Abraham Hicks and the law of attraction. One thing they always say is that your feelings are like a compass. If you feel bad you're on the wrong path. I know I sound like captain obvious right now but if it's not making you feel good, why stay? One person can't work through relationship issues.

I don't recommend fwb with this man. That only works when you're not emotionally invested. You'll just feel worse because you'll keep bouncing around emotionally from feeling like his girl to feeling like a f buddy. Men know how to treat you when they want the girlfriend experience and they know what to do when they're trying to lower your expectations so they can be out there. This isn't a coincidence or a misunderstanding. He's knows what he's doing and it's straight game.

There's a reason he wanted your male friends out of the picture. He doesn't want competition and he doesn't want you hanging around "friends" like he's hanging around "friends." He also doesn't want you confiding in a man who'll tell you what you're hearing now. Reclaim your male friends or get new ones and tell him you need space. Or cut him off/block/ghost him but it doesn't sound like you're there yet. Definitely agree with @kimpaur - Don't warn him with the "we need to talk" text or phone call. Just tell him him you're not happy and this isn't what you signed up for. Don't let him make the conversation about what you did or didn't say or do back when this started. Tell him you're not happy right now and things need to change (or you need space). Nothing in the past matters. There's really nothing he can say that won't involve minimizing your feelings and gaslighting your expectations. If he tries to make this about how "old fashioned' he is (whatever that means) then let him know that "old fashioned" isn't what you want so it's over but you have to mean it. He's known you for years so he knows this isn't what you're about and he knows you're not happy. He can rise to the occasion or not but don't feel like it's something you have to fix or work through.

Just curious, why didn't you respond to his advances years ago? What changed recently for you to give him a chance?

 

[Prettymetty]

He is not a good man and he is not your friend. The situation you have described is 100% pure D boy pooh. There is nothing good, old fashioned or worthy of love about a dude who was your supposed friend proposing a sex only situation where he's got exclusive rights to your vagina but his penis is free to roam.

This is not an entanglement it's a set up. If I were you I would get out of this situation ASAP before he starts asking to borrow money.

I know you’re serious, but this made me laugh out loud

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I don't recommend fwb with this man. That only works when you're not emotionally invested.

The OP's situation aside, I don't recommend fwb situations period. More times than not these situations turn messy. If "you" must partake in dudes who are unfit for relationships then relegate them to one night stands instead of trying to turn they hoe into bf material. Get your taste and get gone because the longer you deal with them, the harder the reason why you knew that you shouldn't have comes back to bite you.

 

[Prettymetty]

This is gonna sound random but your post reminded me of Abraham Hicks and the law of attraction. One thing they always say is that your feelings are like a compass. If you feel bad you're on the wrong path. I know I sound like captain obvious right now but if it's not making you feel good, why stay? One person can't work through relationship issues.

I don't recommend fwb with this man. That only works when you're not emotionally invested. You'll just feel worse because you'll keep bouncing around emotionally from feeling like his girl to feeling like a f buddy. Men know how to treat you when they want the girlfriend experience and they know what to do when they're trying to lower your expectations so they can be out there. This isn't a coincidence or a misunderstanding. He's knows what he's doing and it's straight game.

There's a reason he wanted your male friends out of the picture. He doesn't want competition and he doesn't want you hanging around "friends" like he's hanging around "friends." He also doesn't want you confiding in a man who'll tell you what you're hearing now. Reclaim your male friends or get new ones and tell him you need space. Or cut him off/block/ghost him but it doesn't sound like you're there yet. Definitely agree with @kimpaur - Don't warn him with the "we need to talk" text or phone call. Just tell him him you're not happy and this isn't what you signed up for. Don't let him make the conversation about what you did or didn't say or do back when this started. Tell him you're not happy right now and things need to change (or you need space). Nothing in the past matters. There's really nothing he can say that won't involve minimizing your feelings and gaslighting your expectations. If he tries to make this about how "old fashioned' he is (whatever that means) then let him know that "old fashioned" isn't what you want so it's over but you have to mean it. He's known you for years so he knows this isn't what you're about and he knows you're not happy. He can rise to the occasion or not but don't feel like it's something you have to fix or work through.

Just curious, why didn't you respond to his advances years ago? What changed recently for you to give him a chance?

Timing. When we met I was 19. Now I’m 37. I always seemed to be in a relationship. I wasn’t that into him back then either. I friend zoned him.

 

[Prettymetty]

Just when he thinks he’s about to lose me he changes and tries to make me believe he still feels the same. I’ve been reading through our old texts and reminiscing, because he used to make me feel like the only girl in the world. So beautiful, so loved. Just everything. He’s a moody Sagittarius so that may have something to do with the blurred lines.
He texted me this morning saying “I hope you know I love you.” It felt good to hear it. It’s been a while...

 

[Lylddlebit]

I hate to say it but you need to know this. Some men try to punish you for stuff like that. If you were child free when you met him or dated other dudes over the choice of him he may resent you for looking his way after kids and failed relationships that you prioritized over the option of him got added to your package. I am not making excuses for his behavior but be leery of dudes who feel like a "safety net" when what you chose first didn't work out. They can be vicious.

Girl I wouldn't fool with that. You might be thinking "He has loved me since we were teenagers! Why Not?"...He might be like " Um...now that she has kids she wants me to be Mr. right... Now that such and such dogged her out now she wanna act like we got a chance" and be seething over feeling like someone you settled for but would have looked over had other options worked out.

True colors you say? Insecure you say? Constantly upset now that he got you huh?! Yeah girl, you will wake up gasping for air with him choking the breath out of your body in the name on of being in his feelings. Apologize for any hurt feelings and leave him alone. I'm dead serious.

Timing. When we met I was 19. Now I’m 37. I always seemed to be in a relationship. I wasn’t that into him back then either. I friend zoned him.

 

[fula97]

Just when he thinks he’s about to lose me he changes and tries to make me believe he still feels the same. I’ve been reading through our old texts and reminiscing, because he used to make me feel like the only girl in the world. So beautiful, so loved. Just everything. He’s a moody Sagittarius so that may have something to do with the blurred lines.
He texted me this morning saying “I hope you know I love you.” It felt good to hear it. It’s been a while...

*sigh* this is classic bait. He knows you are conflicted and he tossed you some bait to keep you hanging on hoping he will reel you in for the catch. FWB's do not get exclusives, you don't give up friends/plans for FWB D. You don't stop dating and you need to be clear if you are down this path. I want xxx you are fun to play with but I'm still looking for my person

 

[caribeandiva]

I wasn’t that into him back then either.

You said it. You’re not that into him this time either. What’s going on in your personal life that any crumb of attention from this dude gets you excited? Ticking time clock? Last one of your friends who’s still single? Fear of dying alone? You feel incomplete or unworthy unless you have a man? Etc... I don’t know you like that so I’m just guessing. Until you figure out why your love tank is so empty you’ll keep going back to him. You’ll eventually come to the realization that only you can give you the love you’re desperately searching for. You don’t need this fool.