TRUST...when it's broken!

N

naturallgurl

New Member
Okay guys,
Ive been dating this guy for a little over a year. We have definitely had out ups and downs, but somehow managed to make it through. I've had always had a lot of male friends and he is very jealous of them. I have even let one of them go, to satisfy him. They (sorry I just have 2 male friends, one of which is gay!) live in another state, but he doesn't want me to call them, text them or anything. Yes, I've lied about talking the them because I didn't think it was that big of a deal. They both know about my current bf, but one of them was a lil disrespectful and called late at night despite my requests for him to stop.

He will blow up over the littlest thing so I did try to hide things from him, that only made it worse.
He goes through my cell and even called someone(it was my ex though)!

He is 11 yrs older than me too, i am 22 and he is 33. (i know, i know)

i dont know if he'll ever trust me again, or if he ever did for that matter

I need constructive criticism not ppl to be judgemental!

Can you rebuild broken trust? Is it worth the effort?
 
Last edited:
Start by asking urself what u want in a relationship, how u want ur SO to treat u. If ur current SO does not meet ur needs communicate what u feel is not working. Compromise is good if both parties do it but if only one person is always doing the compromising i.e. giving up male friends, etc. the relationship is not balanced.
 
Edited after rereading...

The relationship does seem 2 b a lil controlling...I didnt notice u said he doesnt want you 2 contact them @ all...thats a no-go
 
Last edited:
there's more to it,
he knows he's wrong for going through my phone, but he feels that " i give him a reason to". i told him that i didn't think it was that big of a deal and the friend that would call late, i no longer speak to him anymore. i am constantly telling him that the past is just that, the past, but he can't seem to get over it. I agree with you 1000% that this is keeping us from moving ahead. I trust him, however i think that we need to have that final talk, because i cant keep arguing over the same thing...we are wasting our time if we cant work towards moving ahead, i saw it going somewhere, but it takes 2 to tango, i love him...i dont know. i feel like im at a crossroads... thank you
 
coconow2007 said:
Start by asking urself what u want in a relationship, how u want ur SO to treat u. If ur current SO does not meet ur needs communicate what u feel is not working. Compromise is good if both parties do it but if only one person is always doing the compromising i.e. giving up male friends, etc. the relationship is not balanced.
Click to expand...

i do feel like i have compromised more than he has, my family dislikes him and its caused issues in my home...im getting to the point where im about ready to throw in the towel, one last cry...
 
Whether he trusts you or not isn't the issue. The fact that this man invaded your privacy and blamed it on you is disturbing to me. My SO had trust issues because he was hurt really bad. Time, patience, a strong pimp hand :lachen:, and alot of love healed both of us. It's the best relationship we've ever had... but we BOTH had/have to work at it. It's not right for you to make concessions in the name of peace and for him to make demands. Don't pay for someone else's sins.

You are too young to spend a majority of your life dealing with someone else's insecurity issues. Sounds like someone else put him through hell and he's making you pay the fines. If you're being 100% true (and I don't doubt that you are) then part of the problem lies within him. You can't make a man trust you.... and you definitely shouldn't cut off friends and family for anyone, much less an insecure man. I can't tell you what to do... but I can tell you that you have to do some serious soul searching and look beyond the emotions. My dad always said,"Love is blind but it ain't so blind that I can't see."
 
naturallgurl said:
there's more to it,
he knows he's wrong for going through my phone, but he feels that " i give him a reason to". i told him that i didn't think it was that big of a deal and the friend that would call late, i no longer speak to him anymore. i am constantly telling him that the past is just that, the past, but he can't seem to get over it. I agree with you 1000% that this is keeping us from moving ahead. I trust him, however i think that we need to have that final talk, because i cant keep arguing over the same thing...we are wasting our time if we cant work towards moving ahead, i saw it going somewhere, but it takes 2 to tango, i love him...i dont know. i feel like im at a crossroads... thank you
Click to expand...

I was really disturbed when I read the bolded. I believe his behavior will escalate. He is making you pay for the mistakes of others and if he can't get over it, this relationship will not be successful. A good partnership consists of two, whole, healthy adults that BOTH make sacrifices.

You two need to have a serious talk about everything. Get to the root of the problem before something else happens. I hope he doesn't try to control you by making you cut off contact with everyone you're close too. Do you think your family's dislike of him is warranted? Just curious.
 
I don't think it's worth the effort. You are 22, and you should be with a man who trusts you, and who believes you when you say that your male friends are just that - friends.

:nono:

There is nothing attractive about a jealous man, and even less attractive about a jealous man who blows up at you and tries to limit who you can stay in contact with.
 
I think you are his jackpot. He found a young girl he can control and not only control but actually have you here typing and confused as to what you have done wrong when he has asked you to :
-cut off people you are close to for no reason than his insecurity
-invade your privacy (you are not married) this is way over the line
-Embarass you and himself by contacting people he has found on the phone
This will only get worse as the relationship progresses. Either nip his behavior in the bud or cut him off.
 
This is bad....all the signs are there. Cutting off communications with people who live in a different state??? Going through your telephone??

Are you flattered by his actions (attention)???
 
Hold up...Hold up... *i would light up a newport but momma tryna stop*

dis bama pullin game on u chile. see, lemme tell u sumfin. GAME KNOW GAME...trust me. I've been there, done dat, n sold da rights to it.

first of all, imma need u to understand dat he gotchu right where he wants you. how dare you allow him to have that much control over you, but then again, i understand because you're 22 years old. second, you're not the only one he's dealing with, i don't think. you're the only one he pullin rank on.

if i were you, and this is on da real, dump him. don't even be all emotional about it. dump dat bama thru a text message. he ain't even worthy of a phone call, in person meeting, etc. he ain't worth the time. just be like...it's ova, i don't want to be bothered no more n mean it. get control back...don't let no man run ova u like that. it ain't like he payin bills and takin care of ALL your needs (i.e., financial, etc.). phuck him n feed him beans...
 
naturallgurl said:
there's more to it,
he knows he's wrong for going through my phone, but he feels that " i give him a reason to". i told him that i didn't think it was that big of a deal and the friend that would call late, i no longer speak to him anymore. i am constantly telling him that the past is just that, the past, but he can't seem to get over it. I agree with you 1000% that this is keeping us from moving ahead. I trust him, however i think that we need to have that final talk, because i cant keep arguing over the same thing...we are wasting our time if we cant work towards moving ahead, i saw it going somewhere, but it takes 2 to tango, i love him...i dont know. i feel like im at a crossroads... thank you
Click to expand...
I think you've answered your own question. ;)
 
Look a lot of us have heard this before. Some have the t-shirt.

Older, controlling, manipulative, jealous and possessive. Red flags galore. Isolating you from your family, too? You're 22... you have the opportunity to move on with your life, up your expectations and be happy. Just do it.

And he sounds a touch 'crazy' so you might have to call for back-up when you decide to leave. I'm just saying. I wish you the best. :yep:
 
Trust can be regained, but there are some serious issues in this relationship.

Why is he in your phone? It's your property and the contents of it are none of his business. I do, however, feel that you need to check your male friends. They should not call your house at all kinds of hours. It is disrespectful.

In regards to what he said about your giving him a reason to look through your phone, that is utter nonsense. He clearly has control issues.

You have to stand up for yourself. Don't put up with foolishness--at all!

It is possible to have a loving and balanced relationship, even with an age difference of 11 years. My husband is 11 years older than I am, and he doesn't act like the man you've described.
 
You should be tired of talking at this point and next time don't talk...ACT.
I don't believe that he doesn't trust you. He doesn't trust the situation.
He's too old to give you drama, and he's trying to control and manipulate you.
I suggest the cut off in this situation. No talking just actions.
He's the one with the problem and it sounds like he has you right where he wants you.
He's sucking the life out of a younger woman with his insecure immature ways.
No more attention for him.
 
Have you met any of his friends? What do they say about him? Any of his ex-girlfriends? No man should even think that he can tell you who not to talk to or text at ANY hour of the day. How were his past relationships? Either way, you've already wasted a year with this dude. I wouldn't waste another one.
 
Last edited:
Ms Red said:
Look a lot of us have heard this before. Some have the t-shirt.

Older, controlling, manipulative, jealous and possessive. Red flags galore. Isolating you from your family, too? You're 22... you have the opportunity to move on with your life, up your expectations and be happy. Just do it.

And he sounds a touch 'crazy' so you might have to call for back-up when you decide to leave. I'm just saying. I wish you the best. :yep:
Click to expand...


Gosh, I wasn't going to go there....but I'm mighty fearful!

By the way I disagree with setting a time in which her "friends" are allowed to call to please him. It's what they have established as part of the relationship. If it is bothersome to her by all means she should stop it. I wouldn't have a "boyfriend" calling me at all the hours but it just so happens that my friend(he's gay) and I only have crises between midnight and 2am! If I'm on the phone at midnight DH knows it's either my sisters or "Earl" is having a major depression moment.
 
Last edited:
He sounds borderline abusive and testing the waters to see how far he can get away with manipulating you.

My motto - if he/she not adding anything positive to your life then he/she needs to get ta movin'!
 
allygreeneyes said:
He sounds borderline abusive and testing the waters to see how far he can get away with manipulating you.
My motto - if he/she not adding anything positive to your life then he/she needs to get ta movin'!
Click to expand...

Isn't this the beginning plot of all Lifetime Movies for Women? It's culminates with

a) friends testifying at his trial of how they tried to get her to leave, or

b) she's the subject of crime reenactment on "Women Who Snap"
 
Oh man - do I sound like that much "drama"??

Anyway, just re-evaluate your situation. I would have a big problem if my boyfriend was checking my phone etc.
 
ThatJerseyGirl said:
Hold up...Hold up... *i would light up a newport but momma tryna stop*

dis bama pullin game on u chile. see, lemme tell u sumfin. GAME KNOW GAME...trust me. I've been there, done dat, n sold da rights to it.

first of all, imma need u to understand dat he gotchu right where he wants you. how dare you allow him to have that much control over you, but then again, i understand because you're 22 years old. second, you're not the only one he's dealing with, i don't think. you're the only one he pullin rank on.

if i were you, and this is on da real, dump him. don't even be all emotional about it. dump dat bama thru a text message. he ain't even worthy of a phone call, in person meeting, etc. he ain't worth the time. just be like...it's ova, i don't want to be bothered no more n mean it. get control back...don't let no man run ova u like that. it ain't like he payin bills and takin care of ALL your needs (i.e., financial, etc.). phuck him n feed him beans...
Click to expand...

True to the 10th power! Bravo!
 
Guys... I laid all of the cards on the table, and gave him an option. Get with the programme or get the steppin, because after all,

I CAN DO BAD BY ALL BY MYSELF!!!

Thank you ladies for everything!
 
Just take note, it's not what he says that he's going to do, it's what he ACTUALLY DOES that you're looking at to see whether (or not) he has changed. Keep us posted.
 
Girl tell grandpa to chill he is 11yrs your senoir he want to put you on lock cause you are young fresh and green

I will tell you now run like hell because i had an ex too that wanted me to give up my male friends. Aint happening

If you were a true friend you would not drop your friend for no man being it male or female
This is a form of control he is trying to isolate you from your outlets dont let this happen next thing you know he is following you to the bathroom and crap.
 
newbiemom said:
I think you are his jackpot. He found a young girl he can control and not only control but actually have you here typing and confused as to what you have done wrong when he has asked you to :
-cut off people you are close to for no reason than his insecurity
-invade your privacy (you are not married) this is way over the line
-Embarass you and himself by contacting people he has found on the phone
This will only get worse as the relationship progresses. Either nip his behavior in the bud or cut him off.
Click to expand...


Let me make this as clear as a bell. Because Newbiemom has cut to the quick.

These are ALL RED FLAGS!!!!!

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? You have only been on this planet for 22 years can you see yourself dealing with this when you are 32, 42, 52?
 
Last edited:
ThatJerseyGirl said:
Hold up...Hold up... *i would light up a newport but momma tryna stop*

dis bama pullin game on u chile. see, lemme tell u sumfin. GAME KNOW GAME...trust me. I've been there, done dat, n sold da rights to it.

first of all, imma need u to understand dat he gotchu right where he wants you. how dare you allow him to have that much control over you, but then again, i understand because you're 22 years old. second, you're not the only one he's dealing with, i don't think. you're the only one he pullin rank on.

if i were you, and this is on da real, dump him. don't even be all emotional about it. dump dat bama thru a text message. he ain't even worthy of a phone call, in person meeting, etc. he ain't worth the time. just be like...it's ova, i don't want to be bothered no more n mean it. get control back...don't let no man run ova u like that. it ain't like he payin bills and takin care of ALL your needs (i.e., financial, etc.). phuck him n feed him beans...
Click to expand...

The End. :yep:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

M
New trust after broken trust..how long did it take?
Replies
14
Views
318
nicole625
nicole625
aribell
Broken Engagements.
Replies
23
Views
1K
ThirdEyeBeauty
ThirdEyeBeauty
gabulldawg
TRUST ISSUES
Replies
10
Views
274
Farida
Farida
B
Be honest: Do you trust your Dh/SO??
2 3
Replies
65
Views
2K
Qtee
Qtee
twilight80
Has anyone married a man with trust issues?
Replies
22
Views
842
StarScream35
StarScream35
Back
Top