Tradition: Children before Marriage...thoughts?

Julessy

Julessy

Well-Known Member
Hey Ladies,

Not sure if a thread on this topic exists already but what are your thoughts on having children out of wedlock? Just curious...

I am engaged, not married yet, and we have a 6 month-old son. Long story short, we got engaged last June and at that time we had been together for 6 years. We found out not long thereafter that we were pregnant. My parents were not bothered by this but did put a little pressure on us to get married before the baby arrived (you know how parents are!). Anyway, with being pregnant and tired all the time, I did not have time to plan a wedding and I certainly did not want to just go to the courthouse so I ended up having the baby without us being married. Here we are 6 months later and we're still not married yet. Reason: I want to plan a small yet elegant ceremony, 50 guests tops, but the baby is taking much of my time and men are HORRIBLE at these kinds of things :ohwell::perplexed:ohwell:...
I'm still at the planning stage and will try to push for December of this year but in the meantime people are constantly asking us for a wedding date and it's driving me nuts! I know that the baby is suppose to come after marriage in traditional talk but I truly feel that having a baby out of wedlock doesn't change who we are... it's just taking us a little longer to get things settled.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS??

((Not knocking those who wed before they had their children, just wanna see the consensus))
 
Last edited:
Julessy said:
Hey Ladies,

Not sure if a thread on this topic exists already but what are your thoughts on having children out of wedlock? Just curios...

I am engaged, not married yet, and we have a 6 month-old son. Long story short, we got engaged last June and found out not long thereafter that we were pregnant. My parents were not bothered by this but did put a little pressure on us to get married before the baby arrived (you know how parents are!). Anyway, with being pregnant and tired all the time, I did not have time to plan a wedding and I certainly did not want to just go to the courthouse so I ended up having the baby without us being married. Here we are 6 months later and we're still not married yet. Reason: I want to plan a small yet elegant ceremony, 50 guests tops, but the baby is taking much of my time and men are HORRIBLE at these kinds of things :ohwell::perplexed:ohwell:...
I'm still at the planning stage and will try to push for December of this year but in the meantime people are constantly asking us for a wedding date and it's driving me nuts! I know that the baby is suppose to come after marriage in traditional talk but I truly feel that having a baby out of wedlock doesn't change who we are... it's just taking us a little longer to get things settled.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS??

((Not knocking those who wed before they had their children, just wanna see the consensus))
Click to expand...

Trust and believe there are threads (LOTS of threads) about this topic. Go to Off Topic and see.

I was born OOW and my parents married about 6 months after I was born. They told me that in this day and age, there is no reason for me to have a child OOW, so I should get married first. I don't want to ever have children, but if I do, it will be long after my wedding ceremony. :look:
 
It happens and its none of my concern either way.

Many many people do it the traditional way. And about 65% of them end up divorced and sharing the kid between two homes. Or unhappily married with children. Happened to me. And we were together 14 years and married before the baby came!

IDK why people sweat tradition like this so much. It's your life. Do you!
 
I did not and would not intentionally have a child outside of marriage, but not because I think it is inherently wrong. For me, it was a practical decision having to do with legalities, finances, insurance, career/schooling, my own vision of the kind of mother I wanted to be, security, societal issues and etc.

Not everyone has the concerns, visions or goals that I do or they feel able to accomplish them being a single and/or otherwise partnered (for lack of a better term) mother and so "mileage varies", of course. I think people should make the best decision FOR THEM as to how and when and whether to get married or build a family. I do not, by any means, have a conventional marriage or family. We do what works for us and it's turned out very well.

Having said that, since I figured out marriage was important to me, if I had found myself pregnant before we got married, you best believe my SO and I would have been at the courthouse before I went into labor. Beautiful ceremonies can happen later.
 
I don't agree with having children before marriage personally. I think parenthood is actually a much bigger commitment and much more work than marriage.

But at this point what's done is done and I would not ask nor care about what people think if I were you as it serves to no benefit for you.
 
Cichelle

I totally agree with you on the point that people operate under different circumstances. Marriage is sacred and yes, should take place before children, but in my opinion, a legal document will not and cannot solidify our union any more than it already is. I truly believe that DS will love us both as parents for being loving to not only him, but to each other as well. We have established a strong base for six years prior to having DS with finances, careers, etc. The only missing was the marriage certificate.
 
I would not want to have a child OOW. Having time to have children, live "like" I'm married, intermingle finances etc., but not have time to get married, makes no sense to me, but that's me. How you choose to live your life is your business. If you were my daughter, I would be bothered, but otherwise I would not be pressed about you getting married or not.
 
I wouldn't have a child out of wedlock. I was taught not to and it's not something I want for myself. But I know tons of people that did, including friends and I don't like them any less.
 
i would never have a kid outside of marriage. mostly because i want marriage more than i want kids so no marriage = no kids.

in my group of friends/family though, it is extremely, extremely rare to have a child after marriage or even get married at all.:lol:
 
It depends on which is more important a happy marriage or a production/wedding? I know too many folks that focused on The Wedding instead of the actual marriage. If you guys were already engaged before the baby I don't understand the reason for waiting for a production. Do what makes you happy not what impresses other.
 
It happens and happened in my fam quite a bit. i dont agree with having kids OOW, but as long as I'm not contributing to someone else's household, i keep my mouth shut
 
Julessy said:
I totally agree with you on the point that people operate under different circumstances. Marriage is sacred and yes, should take place before children, but in my opinion, a legal document will not and cannot solidify our union any more than it already is. I truly believe that DS will love us both as parents for being loving to not only him, but to each other as well. We have established a strong base for six years prior to having DS with finances, careers, etc. The only missing was the marriage certificate.
Click to expand...


Couldn't bring myself to do so without the legal papers for protection..

Congrats on the new baby and good luck with the wedding planning =)
 
Speaking in terms of the black community, I say we really NEED to stop having kids OOWL. We need to start rebuilding and family is where it's at. Asians don't get to where they are because they are Asians. They know how to do it and they know where it's at~~Family!! We really do a disservice to our black children by robbing them of a two parent home, thus resulting in a broken people. But that's my two cents. You have a right to live as you like!
 
Brighteyes35

Very true. However, my situation does not entail a one parent household. We are not separated. I do feel sorry for those children who do have to deal with that mess. Fortunately for me, my SO is here and actively being a great parent.
 
You would think having an OOW child was a death sentence on LHCF! I would never go as far to say that it's ideal however... It happens!!! I say, to each it's own. You and your FH are doing what works for you all! At the end of the day, you all are responsible for that child and no one else!!! I personally wouldn't care what people think of my situation because they don't have to live it! My valleys and mountains as a parent has nothing to do with the next person!

Sent from my iPhone using LHCF
 
yes like everyone is saying do what's best for your family right now. i if i was in your shoes, i'd just go to the courthouse and save the ceremony/rings/money/planning/honeymoon for your 5 or 10 year anniversary or something. that way you're legally married on paper and have the benefits of a wife. like firecracker said, don't try to have a big ceremony and stuff just to please others right now. :)
 
Children before marriage isn't something I would ever do. That just isn't the correct decision for SO and I. We are both traditional and would never entertain that idea in a million years.

Each couple has to do what's best for their relationship.
 
What's the big deal about having a wedding. You two are acting like married people. If you don't have time to plan a wedding, what's wrong with a courthouse wedding? You may have your finances in place, but there are certain legal rights you do not have because you are not married.

I also don't believe in having children out of wedlock for myself.
 
MizAvalon

Yeah, you're right. All couples are different. I was going to wait til December no matter what anyone in my family or his family says (and his side is even worse!)... I was just wondering if there was anyone else on the forum going through what I am going through as far as pressure from friends and family so that I can vent lol...



You brought up very good points though, thank you for your input! =)
 
:look:
MissJ said:
What's the big deal about having a wedding. You two are acting like married people. If you don't have time to plan a wedding, what's wrong with a courthouse wedding? You may have your finances in place, but there are certain legal rights you do not have because you are not married.

You are right and everything in this country all boils down to legal matters!!

Thank you for your input!
Click to expand...
 
MizAvalon

I transitioned for about 11 months. My last relaxer was 6-4-11 and I BC'd on 4-30-12. You're at 14 months which should show a good amount of new growth. I think that if you BC, you will have anough length to do some cute styles, i.e twist outs, bantu knot outs, etc. If you're over the transitioning process (which was very draining to me:perplexed), I say go for it ONLY IF you have a back-up plan...wigs, weaves, braids, and even cute headbands and scarves. At least you know at that point you can start off fresh with your natural hair.:grin::grin::grin::grin:
When do you plan to BC?
 
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