To Divorce or Not to Divorce - 4 kids, 17 year marriage

naturalmanenyc

naturalmanenyc

Well-Known Member
I recently learned of a situation that made me wonder how many women "stay for the kids" when they want a divorce.

Someone that I know has been married for 17 years and has 4 kids with her husband. The kids are 16, 14, 12 and 10. Both parents work full-time and the kids are very active in sports and school activities as well as being active in the community. They have a beautiful 5 bedroom home and a very nice lifestyle.

I always thought the husband was a jerk, just based on the way he acts when I'm there or on the phone. He treats his wife like Cinderella while he sits on his butt most of the time and does not help much around the house or with the kids or the family dog. She does literally everything around the house except maybe clean the pool. This was all confirmed recently in addition to the admission that they have not had sex in 5 years. They live as roommates and the 10 year old sometimes still sleeps with them. I knew something was wrong but I never thought it was that bad.

They know that their kids lifestyle will drastically change if they divorce so they are staying together until the kids are all grown, at least 8 more years. Neither spouse is dating anyone or actively trying to leave the marriage.

Are you or do you know women who are making such a sacrifice? Care to share why?
 
Apparently it must work for them. To each his own. I cant say yay or nay till im in that situation...5 years?

It seems though in these situations, its always about the kids.
 
I know plenty of people who do/did this. As long as there is no fighting going on it seems the most mature unselfish thing to do. A lot of people think of themselves first and the trauma a divorce causes their kids is secondary.

As long as there is no abuse, addiction or adultery, there is no need for a divorce when kids are involved.

YYMV
 
To each their own, but when people (in general) stay together for their children, I hope they are doing so on good terms. I think the disadvantages of seeing two parents who can't stand one another tear each other apart (verbally) far outweigh the benefits of everyone living under one roof.
 
My cousins parents are like this but I think it is because the father is a pastor so they have an appearance to keep up. I went to their home and my cousins old room is furnished with clothes in the closet. When I asked who sleeps there she did not respond, I found out from another family member that the parents don't even sleep in the same room. Some people are not willing to walk away from the lifestyle. It is cheaper and easier to stat especially when you are older. I know many people who are unhappy but stay for the kids but when the kids are older they just get so comfortable there is no point to leave.
 
naturalmanenyc said:
I recently learned of a situation that made me wonder how many women "stay for the kids" when they want a divorce.

Someone that I know has been married for 17 years and has 4 kids with her husband. The kids are 16, 14, 12 and 10. Both parents work full-time and the kids are very active in sports and school activities as well as being active in the community. They have a beautiful 5 bedroom home and a very nice lifestyle.

I always thought the husband was a jerk, just based on the way he acts when I'm there or on the phone. He treats his wife like Cinderella while he sits on his butt most of the time and does not help much around the house or with the kids or the family dog. She does literally everything around the house except maybe clean the pool. This was all confirmed recently in addition to the admission that they have not had sex in 5 years. They live as roommates and the 10 year old sometimes still sleeps with them. I knew something was wrong but I never thought it was that bad.

They know that their kids lifestyle will drastically change if they divorce so they are staying together until the kids are all grown, at least 8 more years. Neither spouse is dating anyone or actively trying to leave the marriage.

Are you or do you know women who are making such a sacrifice? Care to share why?
Click to expand...

How is she handling the bolded? I mean 5 years is a long time...
 
I would divorce if it was a loveless marriage. Like, lots of arguing and hate. But if we could still be friends and partners, and not teach our kids infidelity habits, then I'd stay. I don't believe marriage should be just about love anyways. My mind says that but I think my heart has a difficult catching up, and I bet that's true for a lot of people.
 
naturalmanenyc said:
I recently learned of a situation that made me wonder how many women "stay for the kids" when they want a divorce.

Someone that I know has been married for 17 years and has 4 kids with her husband. The kids are 16, 14, 12 and 10. Both parents work full-time and the kids are very active in sports and school activities as well as being active in the community. They have a beautiful 5 bedroom home and a very nice lifestyle.

I always thought the husband was a jerk, just based on the way he acts when I'm there or on the phone. He treats his wife like Cinderella while he sits on his butt most of the time and does not help much around the house or with the kids or the family dog. She does literally everything around the house except maybe clean the pool. This was all confirmed recently in addition to the admission that they have not had sex in 5 years. They live as roommates and the 10 year old sometimes still sleeps with them. I knew something was wrong but I never thought it was that bad.

They know that their kids lifestyle will drastically change if they divorce so they are staying together until the kids are all grown, at least 8 more years. Neither spouse is dating anyone or actively trying to leave the marriage.

Are you or do you know women who are making such a sacrifice? Care to share why?
Click to expand...

One of my good friends has been living this way for years. I think if you're going to stay together for the kids, you might as well put some effort into making it work. Go to counseling, church, or join marital retreats. Keep family and friends out of it, and go to real professionals who are neutral and trained at diagnosing marital problems. Each person can pick up some hobbies, or invest in some activities that help them destress. Get a sitter and have planned dates and maybe some overnight dates at a hotel. Go on vacays without the kiddies.

If you're going to stay together for the kids, then make a real effort to work at the marriage, for the kids. Otherwise, living as glorified roommates will send its own set of negative messages to the kids, no matter how civil the couple thinks they're behaving.

Marriages have an ebb and flow. Sometimes, its a rough season and if you can ride it out, while working at it, the couple can weather the storm. Your neighbors, coworkers, and friends ALL have issues. Some are more severe than others. Thats the nature of marriage. The only way this "stay together for the kids" arrangement will work is if both parties are honest about their expectations and take a positive approach to fixing it, which takes years sometimes. And after all of that, if you still divorce, at least you would have earned your way out, leaving no stone unturned.
 
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I think they should stay together until the last child is almost out of the house on the way to college. Hell they have been married for 17 years then they can do 6-7 more years. The kids are active and doing well in school and should be able to maintain that lifestyle. The kids would be better off if the parents stayed together so it is worth it. Divorce would dramatically affect everyone and the kids grades could be affected which is a no win for anyone. That would be selfish and if the parents are maintaining for this long then they can last a little longer. Look at the big picture. Once the kids are out of the house then they could go their seperate ways. It is a sacrifice to be married and a sacrifice when you have kids.

I am debating on this right now for my marriage. my children are young 2 and 5 so I would have to stay for 15 yrs:ohwell:. I'll take the 7 years over the 15 anyday.
 
My great aunt stayed until their youngest was 30 years old and then divorced my uncle because he was a "poor communicator". She waited because divorce is frowned upon in our family and even when she finally made the move, my uncle wanted to have a family meeting about the issue (all of us) to try to talk her out of it. They are the best of friends now though.
 
To each his own. I don't think anything is wrong with putting ones life and true happiness on hold for the good of the children. My Mom did it because she had 6 kids and if she would have thrown my Dad out prior to the youngest turning 18 my Dad would have probably been a deadbeat. He didn't have a problem not communicating with us after my Mom gave him the boot so its safe to assume my Mom was right. There was no fighting because my Dad followed my mothers orders.LOL They never divorced and both had other longterm relationships. Both of their SO's wanted marriage but they refused to divorce each other. I really felt sorry for my Dad's girlfriend. My Mom's guy finally left her and found someone that would marry him. My parents were actively married 30plus years by the time my Mom threw my Dad out. I would only do this if I had more than 2 children and the man was a wuss like my Dad was for my Mom. LOL

Unfortunately I know two women in unhappy unfullfilling childless marriages that stay married just to save face and they are both cheating on each other. Now this right here is sickening in my opinion.
 
CocoBunny said:
I know plenty of people who do/did this. As long as there is no fighting going on it seems the most mature unselfish thing to do. A lot of people think of themselves first and the trauma a divorce causes their kids is secondary.

As long as there is no abuse, addiction or adultery, there is no need for a divorce when kids are involved.

YYMV
Click to expand...
My brother said he stayed 4 years extra, so my nephew could graduate high school. He said he just couldn't leave when my nephew was still a kid.
 
i found a blog about a man that had two children at home. he knew he was going to leave his wife as soon as his kids were grown/out of the house. he was actively seeking a female sex partner through online sites. i guess he found someone & they started a blog about it. once i figured out the situation, i stopped reading. but from what i understand, they are currently on a break.


that may or may not be related to this thread, but that's the first thing i thought of.
 
I do. A male nurse that works with me. He has 14 children and wants out but obviously he's stuck. His youngest is 6 months old and wife does not work. I cant imagine being in that situation.
 
I have heard in recent years that MANY people divorce and still live at home with the children (my cousin has done this and still lives with his wife and son) or they dont divorce and just have separate bedrooms.
 
My friend's parents are like this. They do not sleep in the same room. They do not discuss important matters like taking trips across the country or applying for jobs in different cities. It's not a marriage, it's being roommates. But they put on a nice face to the outside world so everyone thinks they're okay except their immediate family.

Whether they divorce or not, the kids still know there's a problem and are affected by the lack of love in the home. The kids think things are their fault, and my friend has felt like he has to hold the family together since he was in elementary school (now in graduate school). The parents don't talk to each other, so they use their kids as "friends" with whom they discuss their marital woes. My friend is overwhelmed. He said that if he listens to one parent for too long, he begins to dislike the other. :ohwell:

Parents think they're doing the right thing by staying "married" (on paper, but in their hearts they are unmarried). Even when parents wait to divorce until their kids are grown, it affects the child. The adult child has been burdened for several years with the impending break up and division within the home.
 
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I don't have a problem with it. My dh and I are the children of divorce and we know what it's like to have to spend our week-ends and holidays away from all that's familiar and have to deal with the heartbeak of seeing your father with a new family. Nope, not for my son. If dh was abusive or a druggie, it would be a different question but "communication issues" or "falling out of love" are just not enough. Some days I hate this man and some days like today I love him so much (mostly because I am not stressed out or on my period). I would hate to make a decision to leave him on one of my off days that would affect my child for the rest of his life.
 
CocoBunny said:
I know plenty of people who do/did this. As long as there is no fighting going on it seems the most mature unselfish thing to do. A lot of people think of themselves first and the trauma a divorce causes their kids is secondary.

As long as there is no abuse, addiction or adultery, there is no need for a divorce when kids are involved.

YYMV
Click to expand...

I agree with you 100%
If they haven't had sex in 5 years that's not normal. I'd advise them to seek counseling or seek the advice of their priest/pastor.


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