Tired of being "The sister he never had"....

[MACgirl2k2]

Dang it. I'm sick of men and their mind games. I am tired of ending up in that "You're like my sister" box. Uggh. I already have one brother and 50 male cousins, and god knows how many male friends that I can talk to. I always get thrown into that friend box. What am I doing wrong? Am I not worthy of love? I'm 30 single, saved, and celibate because I'm tired of playing house. But I can save everyone else’s marriage or give advice to help people get together/stay together. When it comes to me, I'm just a clumsy fool.

Okay. I vented...feel a lil bit better? Any suggestions? Are some people just meant to be alone on this earth?

 

[Bunny77]

Dang it. I'm sick of men and their mind games. I am tired of ending up in that "You're like my sister" box. Uggh. I already have one brother and 50 male cousins, and god knows how many male friends that I can talk to. I always get thrown into that friend box. What am I doing wrong? Am I not worthy of love? I'm 30 single, saved, and celibate because I'm tired of playing house. But I can save everyone else’s marriage or give advice to help people get together/stay together. When it comes to me, I'm just a clumsy fool.

Okay. I vented...feel a lil bit better? Any suggestions? Are some people just meant to be alone on this earth?

I feel ya. I always get put in the friend box too (maybe not the little sister one, but the friend one).

Okay, to answer your last question, the answer is no. But I think you know that... you were just venting.

What I am trying to figure out for this next dude is maybe being a little more mysterious might work. It sounds like you're a really nice person (as am I... every dude has said that I'm soooo nice), but I wonder if there's a way we can still be good people, but kinda keep it interesting and keep them intrigued so that we don't become that "good friend" that we don't wanna be.

I'm not talking games or being intentionally bytchy or anything... but I dunno... maybe not sharing as much about ourselves in the early stages? Maybe cutting some of the looooooooooong all-night talks where we get comfortable with a dude and vice-versa and before you know it, you're playing counselor and not girlfriend?

I'm thinking out loud myself to get some ideas here... but I'm thinking that could help. Maybe.

 

[MACgirl2k2]

I'll take all the help I can get. You're right about the long night conversations. They feel like they can talk to me about anything. Everybody's getting what they want except me. I get that "you are so nice" or the old "Boy, you'd make a good wife." Then they tell me how the hope I find a nice guy and he better not break my heart. LOL. I laugh now but I'm lonely and sad on the inside...

 

[Bunny77]

I'll take all the help I can get. You're right about the long night conversations. They feel like they can talk to me about anything. Everybody's getting what they want except me. I get that "you are so nice" or the old "Boy, you'd make a good wife." Then they tell me how the hope I find a nice guy and he better not break my heart. LOL. I laugh now but I'm lonely and sad on the inside...

The reason I was saying maybe was because I'm trying to figure out the answer to this myself!

I know it's hard to stop those long conversations too and I thought that was a good thing because it meant that dude was comfortable with you. But maybe that's supposed to come later on, and not early.

I'd at least start there (and Bunny tells herself to do the same thing). They don't have to know that you're doing it, but keep a personal time clock going on your conversation and CUT IT OFF at 30 minutes... stuff like, "Hey, it was great talking to you, but I've gotta get to bed!" or whatever. Make him want more... don't be so "available" as an emotional resource for a dude.

And yeah, don't you hate when dudes say stuff like that???? grrr...

 

[Browndilocks]

How can I say this without sounding too ***chie...

Don't be so friendly or so quick to offer advice or acts of kindness. Be just a little more self-absorbed. Make it about you, not him.

 

[oldcrayons]

Try being flirty. Maybe they're not aware of what you want

 

[STLCoverGirl]

How can I say this without sounding too ***chie...

Don't be so friendly or so quick to offer advice or acts of kindness. Be just a little more self-absorbed. Make it about you, not him.

Yes, maybe you should read Why Men Love $%tches...it sounds harsh, but the book gives pretty good advice. Definitely don't be soo available all the time. I can totally relate to how you feel.

 

[amara11]

How can I say this without sounding too ***chie...

Don't be so friendly or so quick to offer advice or acts of kindness. Be just a little more self-absorbed. Make it about you, not him.

Why Men Love B!tches is truly an excellent read. And most ppl have the wrong idea about b!tch when they see that title. I truly truly suggest it. Read it. Own it. Love it.

Do a search here too- there's a great thread on it. I'll ETA later if I can find it.

 

[MACgirl2k2]

Thanks ladies. I am going to look for the why men love..... and check out the thread too. Maybe I am to nice.

 

[Paradox]

Isn't sad when you can't be nice...absolutely sad...
So you'll make a good wife...yet none of them will snatch up a good opportunity at having a good wife.foolishness.

 

[MACgirl2k2]

Yes it is sad. You'd think men would be happy to have a nice woman but know they want a B---- that will kick their butts and take their money. I went out with a guy and paid for dinner once, he looked at me all cross eyed and shook his head. He then had the nerve to say "You're a rare find". I was thinking in my head well then seize the opportunity shoot..lol.

 

[Bunny77]

Yes it is sad. You'd think men would be happy to have a nice woman but know they want a B---- that will kick their butts and take their money. I went out with a guy and paid for dinner once, he looked at me all cross eyed and shook his head. He then had the nerve to say "You're a rare find". I was thinking in my head well then seize the opportunity shoot..lol.

DON'T EVER PAY FOR DINNER FOR A MAN UNLESS HE IS YOUR MAN AND Y'ALL ARE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP AND EVEN THEN, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T!!!

Honestly, I gotta say this... GOOD men don't want a b---h (and I'm talking b---h in the bad sense of the word) that takes their money. The men who seem to go for these types simply like drama.

Then again, I've been out with men who had $$$ and paid for every dinner we ate over a three-month period, which I'm sure cost them hundreds of dollars in total. I was not "taking" their money -- a man who has something and knows how to court a woman will willingly open his wallet for her and not think otherwise about it. Please don't try to be the girl who "won't take his money" -- while that girl is being nice and sweet and paying for stuff or going for the cheap restaurant or the Blockbuster movie date, he WILL shell out the cash for some other chick and take her out, believe that.

Men don't like overly nice chicks who do everything for them either. Men are natural hunters and they want to hunt. If you show up on their doorstep already killed and prepared for mounting, there's no satisfaction in that. They wanna know that they hunted you down, snagged you and dragged you home, even if you wanted them to do that all along.

So Mr. Dinner guy ate his free meal, said you were a rare find and then threw you into the friend category. There was no opportunity to seize because you offered no challenge.

As much as some men get on my nerves, I don't think it's good to fall into the "men play mind games" trap. Yeah, some do, but really, they're acting according to script. They want to chase, they want to "win" you and they want to earn you... and THEN when they get you, they can say what a nice girlfriend/wife they have!

 

[MACgirl2k2]

Lord, no you didn't just beat me
Yes ma'am no more dutch for me..lol. You right, I didn't even think about that part. I'm just going to live it to God, he'll send him my way when I least expect it. Like you said, they like to hunt.

 

[Bunny77]

Lord, no you didn't just beat me
Yes ma'am no more dutch for me..lol. You right, I didn't even think about that part. I'm just going to live it to God, he'll send him my way when I least expect it. Like you said, they like to hunt.

It's cool girl... I just want all of us to be happy!

My last thing... I just want to throw in as well my personal thing about that "least expect it" phrase. I really don't like that cliche and it NEVER has worked for me. I'm almost 31 and kept not expecting it... and not getting a darn thing.

Since I started putting myself out there in places where I can meet a variety of men, I've been dating a lot more and even ended up in my first actual relationship in like, five years. Okay, so it ended, but that was better than what I was doing!

I couldn't just ask God to send a guy my way. I prayed and continue to pray and I also go out and make an effort to meet the types of guys who are interested in dating me and not just being a "friend."

Just food for thought... we all have to do what's most comfortable for us, but I don't think that "when you least expect it," is always the best option! (Not saying you should be worried and stressed either... definitely not that!)

 

[MACgirl2k2]

I hear you, I'm the same age as you. I guess I need to force myself to go out. Work and school has me drained. I don't even have time to do nice stuff for myself anymore. LOL my mom calls me a hermit.

 

[hopeful]

Thanks ladies. I am going to look for the why men love..... and check out the thread too. Maybe I am to nice.

I see it like this, maybe you are being too nice to others but not nice enough to yourself. Don't look at it as being a b**** to others but being nicer to yourself, getting off the phone because you are bored or don't feel like helping, saying no because that's what's best for you at the time, etc.

 

[MACgirl2k2]

Never thought of it that way hopeful. I put other people before me alot. (Family, friends, students, etc) and when I finally decide I am going to do something for myself, I'm too tired or distracted by someone else problems.

 

[hopeful]

Never thought of it that way hopeful. I put other people before me alot. (Family, friends, students, etc) and when I finally decide I am going to do something for myself, I'm too tired or distracted by someone else problems.

Yes, I do this too. It helps if the next time you put yourself first you say I am going to be nice to me, I deserve it, instead of thinking about being mean to others. In other words we have to learn to focus on ourselves too, not just others. It's hard when it's not your nature to be this way, but well worth the effort.

 

[MACgirl2k2]

Thanks Hopeful!

 

[Belle Creole]

Ladies, I say we form a SWWM support group (single woman wanting marriage/man). Somebody say YES Maybe there is one already formed?

 

[Bunny77]

Ladies, I say we form a SWWM support group (single woman wanting marriage/man). Somebody say YES Maybe there is one already formed?

I don't know if we have a formal one or not, but here's my YES to the idea. I'm all for it.

 

[MACgirl2k2]

I vote yes!

 

[Bunny77]

You know, I think the "Rules" challenge thread is kinda one already... good info over there for all of us! But hey, I'm all for new groups too!

 

[hopeful]

Thanks Hopeful!

You're welcome.